The Fountain (2006)
VERDICT:
9/10 Preventable Deaths
A wildly under-appreciated stroke of brilliance…even if I’m the only one who thinks so.
The Fountain is about a 16th Century Spanish Conquistador who sets out to find the Tree of Life in the name of his Queen and restore Spain to its former glory before it’s conquered by outside forces. It’s also about a modern-day brain surgeon of sorts who copes (or doesn’t) with his wife’s fatal illness by spending every waking hour working to invent a cure for her instead of spending their final hours together by her side. And since everyone knows that two cross-generational intertwining story lines is never enough, it’s also about a man traveling through space with a big ol’ tree in a bubble to find a dying star that is said to bring people back from the grave.
And as I came to find very early on, this is exactly what divides the world in terms of those who regard this movie as a confusing mess and those who continue to preach the gospel of Darren Aronofsky from on high. As you’ve probably gathered by now, I’m situated quite nicely in the latter camp, but I’d be nothing short of the most pompous douche on the planet if I claimed to know what the hell is going on here even after two viewings. This was one of those rare instances where I had a movie on the brain to such an intense degree that the first thing I did when I walked through my front door was boot up my computer and spend the next two hours scouring message boards trying to figure out what I had just sat through. The only other time that’s ever happened was when I unsuccessfully tried to decode what the hell The Architect was rambling about in The Matrix Reloaded, but the lesson to take away from all this is that it’s rare for me to happen upon a movie that doesn’t quite make sense but keeps me coming back for more.
Granted, Aronofsky hasn’t exactly made a name for himself by being one of the most accessible directors out there, but that right there is so much of the draw. From Pi to The Wrestler, all his movies are a mental and emotional challenge that make you work for it, it’s never an easy trip getting there (“ass to ass”, anyone?), and The Fountain is no different. The plot is almost non-sequential to a fault, it’s extremely hard to make heads or tails out of the characters and whether or not they’re real/all the same person since they’re all played by the same two actors, and when the time finally comes where you think you might have a grasp on what’s going on, the last ten minutes or so will confirm your suspicions that you have no fucking clue whatsoever.
This is the same reason I’m still very hesitant to give Mulholland Dr. a second watch, but for some reason it works here and I love how it just adds to the ambiguity of it all. It really is a fascinating mediation on living in the face of death and the timeless pros and cons that come with the notion of immortality, and for the complaints I can pick out of here in terms of structure and whatnot, the wholly original, relatable and borderline profound insights this script poses on a subject that will always be a topic of discussion completely overshadow the weaknesses (which I happen to consider selling points anyway).
But the most immediately apparent strength that Aronofsky has going for him here are his visuals. Man, these freakin’ visuals, I don’t even know what to say. Just such a painstakingly crafted and utterly jaw-dropping feast for the retinas that completely blows away all the smoke and mirrors that we’ve grown so used to over the past couple years. God, I really can’t spell this out, it’s impossible, but the best I got is that it’s like watching an artist at work and if there’s any one quality about The Fountain that the haters and lovers can agree upon, it’s this. Absolutely unreal, worth seeing for this alone regardless of what you think of everything else.
Same goes for the soundtrack by Clint Mansell. Breathtaking stuff, right up there with Jonny Greenwood’s There Will Be Blood score in how I have no idea how it got snubbed for an Oscar nom. One of the few soundtracks I actually own.
And playing our tragic, star-crossed lovers are Hugh Jackman as Tommy and Rachel Weisz as his wife, Izzi. Now, there’s not a whole lot that needs to be said about Weisz, because Weisz the simply bomb and she’s solid as usual here. Good character and good counterpoint to Tommy. But the real surprise is Jackman. For a guy who’s probably never gonna escape his Adamantium skeleton and the claws that came with, he gives a great, tortured and very emotional performance that I had no idea he was capable of. Would love to see more stuff like this from him, dude carries the story along wonderfully.
But as much as I love this movie and consider it one of the greats of the past decade, that’s just me. After I first saw this movie and found myself flat-out floored by it long before the credits rolled, I went ahead and started recommending this to family and friends high and low, and much to my surprise, everyone was very polite in agreeing that I owed them all twelve bucks for passing up The Departed in lieu of this…thing. So with that being said, I can very much understand how newcomers might not fawn over The Fountain, but I still say give it a shot. Not every day you see something like this, and those visuals really are something else.
And if anyone’s interested, here’s my take on the stories: the Spanish Conquistador thing didn’t actually happen, that’s just Izzi’s story being acted out, but the rest – Wolverine discovering the Tree of Life growing out of his wife’s grave, getting all semi-immortal thanks to all the bark he eats, inventing a space bubble as he tattoos the shit out of himself while heading towards Xibalba way in the future – that all happened. No idea if it’s right or what, but I’m going with it. Talk amongst yourselves.
And the ultimate cowboy is…
CLINT!
Can’t say I was expecting a landslide in the least, but it’s never easy to go up against a god, now is it? You’re still the man, Johnny, but the people have spoken.
RESULTS:
– Eastwood: 30 votes
– Wayne: 7 votes
Man, what a badass.
Mother (2009)
VERDICT:
8/10 Helicopter Moms
Man, chalk up another one for South Korea.
Mother is about an aging back-alley acupuncturist whose mentally handicapped son winds up being scapegoated for the murder of a local High School girl. She goes to the cops, they turn out to be corrupt and unwilling to re-open the case, she goes to a lawyer, he’s about as useful as a noose, and before long she realizes that if she’s ever going to vindicate her boy, she’s gonna have to take matters in her own hands, whatever the cost may be.
So this here is the sophomore full-length effort by South Korean wonder boy Bong Joon-ho (or Joon-ho Bong, I really have no idea), a guy who I hear has been kicking a whole lot of ass since his debut, The Host, ended up being the biggest thing to hit S.K. since…well, I don’t know what. They did host the Summer Olympics back in ’88, so that was probably a big deal. God, I’m sheltered…
Anyway, I wish I had more to say on the guy, but as it sometimes happens when I try to multitask watching a subtitled movie while surfing the internet (horrible idea), I never really gave The Host the fair shot it deserved and still to this day don’t have much of opinion on the matter outside walking away from it with a vague sense of satisfaction that I couldn’t put my finger on. But after learning from my mistakes and giving Mother my full, undivided attention this past weekend, I think I’m gonna be following suit with The Host again any day now.
Now, this is one crazy little movie. Based on the trailers, I went into this thinking I knew exactly what the tone was gonna be and what I was setting myself up for (something along the lines of The Lives of Others), but then the opening credits boot up and we’re treated to a completely unexplained and strangely awesome solo interpretive dance routine from our vigilante mom in the middle of a beautiful open field. It’s weird, it definitely isn’t the way The Lives of Others starts out, and as soon as I double-checked to make sure I popped in the right disc, I smiled and realized that I was in for something else.
And that right there is kinda Mother in a nutshell. It blends this otherwise very serious situation about a seemingly victimized kid who has no means of defending himself from the fate that befalls him and his poverty-stricken mother who will walk to the ends of the Earth and back to prove to the world that her helpless son is an innocent man with this quirky, deadpan and oddly tragic sense of humor that does a great job of taking the edge off and in turn accentuating the seriousness of the situation when there really isn’t a whole lot to laugh about. It can’t be easy to juggle these conflicting tones from start to finish while cranking up the suspense and keeping the audience guessing with each new turn, but Bong’s pretty much the man when it comes to this and it’s a big reason why this movie stands out from your everyday South Korean murder mystery.
It’s also a visual stunner not only when it comes to the cinematography, but apparently the South Korean countryside is effing gorgeous, too. Who knew?
The acting is also great from everyone involved, and considering that I tend to have a hard time judging whether or not someone’s got chops when I have to read all their lines at the same time, that sure counts for something. But the real dramatic force here is Kim Hye-ja as the mother, and not just because she’s such a kickass dancer. She’s an emotional powerhouse who gets it done without going overboard and it really is that much cooler when the junior detective on the case is the one woman you’d probably never imagine in the part. Great job.
I thought I knew exactly what to except from Mother, but aren’t the best surprises always the ones you don’t see coming? It takes a bit to get going, but once things start to unravel, it gets awfully intense and it’s hard not to get caught up in wanting to see how it all plays out.
Bong Joon-ho, man. This guy’s alright. Probably the coolest guy named “Bong” that I know.
Big Fish (2003)
VERDICT:
9/10 Tall Tales
One of the best movies out there about the universal power of storytelling.
Big Fish is about a middle-aged journalist with a son on the way who tries to make amends with his dying father in the hopes of hearing the real story of his long, unique life after being told nothing but grandiose fiction mixed with hints of reality about every little detail since the day he was born. Granted, those stories are absolutely fantastic, but
Now, when Tim Burton strikes out, he tends to strike out hard. Alice in Wonderland, Planet of the Apes, Mars Attacks! – you get the idea. But more often than not, Tim Burton is kinda the man and for a guy who’s made a career out of bringing nightmares to life in the most wonderful ways, it’s a little weird that one of his few “non-Burtonian” (copyright Cut The Crap Movie Reviews, 2010) efforts which doesn’t set out to traumatize out every last child in the room is actually one of the crowning achievements of his career. It’s a tonal mix between Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood and if there was ever a movie to come out in the past decade that reminds us why stories make the world go ’round, I think you’d be hard-pressed to find one that fits the bill any closer.
It’s a complicated meditation on fathers and sons, it’s a sprawling fairy tale that’s as strange as it is beautiful, and if Lost in Translation hadn’t come out the same year, this would have been an easy winner for Best Pic of ’03. The wildly imaginative script by John August paired with Burton’s signature way of bringing the barely imaginable to life in some truly vivid ways from a vast field of daffodils to Siamese twins performing in front of a Communist China SEO show makes for a great team that helps to move the plot along even when it starts to drag. There aren’t too many moments where you think, “That’s so Tim Burton,” but this thing’s got spectacle to burn all the same.
But unfortunately, the only somewhat questionable aspect of this movie is the cast.
Don’t get me wrong, Albert Finney is excellent as always as our aging man-for-all-seasons himself, Edward Bloom, (even if he does seem to be acting way older and more decrepit than he looks) and while I’m not a huge fan of Billy Crudup as his son (mainly because of that whole thing where he cheated on his pregnant wife to hook up with Claire Danes for a week, which is so incredibly lame), the real question goes back to whoever casted Ewan McGregor as Edward in his prime. See, Edward Bloom is a Southern boy, Albert Finney can pull off a deep Southern accent, and as much as I love Ewan McGregor, nothing about the guy helps me to bridge a connection between his real-life Scottish roots and Edward’s good ol’ boy pride. I don’t why I never really picked up on this until recently, but McGregor cannot pull off a deep Southern accent.
It’s an easy complaint to keep coming back to throughout the movie because it’s more or less inescapable, but since Edward Bloom is such a great protagonist and his life is so endlessly fantastical, McGregor does well to rise above his oral handicap and throw himself head first into Edward’s lust for life. The great thing about Edward is that even though a lot of what happens in his life probably doesn’t, that’s the big appeal and he makes you embrace the flavor in lieu of the facts.
I don’t know, have you ever just met someone who can turn the most mundane, happenstance occurrences into something bigger and more awe-inspiring than it probably has any right to be? That’s Edward Bloom. He’s mastered the art of story telling and, in a sense, it’s thanks to people like him and the folks who brought him to life that we watch movies in the first place. Stories are universal, stories well-told are timeless, and the life of Edward Bloom sure is one worth hearing.
So, writing about this movie seven years after it was first released and watching it for probably my fifth time this past week, Big Fish isn’t quite the surreal experience it once was, but there’s still so much to absolutely adore about this beautiful journey that it’s hard not to keep falling back in love with it. Up until the final Act, this was hovering at a solid 8, but, man, seeing this for the first time really is something else and hopefully it’ll speak to you on a very familiar level as it continues to do to me. In a world where story more often than not take a backseat to whatever’s gonna land the next sucker and their friends into a repeat viewing of the next Michael Bay masterpiece, it’s great to come across a movie that embraces it through and through. Geez, we need more Edward Blooms in the world.
The Happy 101 Award
Man, been a long time since a meme’s come across these parts, but big thanks to Dan the Man for sending the love my way. So after covering movies, music, desert islands and video games, here we’ve got a new little spin on things: ten things that bring me joy.
Not sure what the “101” is all about, but this here’s a thing of beauty all the same. Well, get out the Kleenex. This one’s gonna be emotional.
10. Folks, there is nothing like drinking an ice cold beer in a hot shower. One of the great simple pleasures in life that too few people have had the pleasure to indulge in. Right up there with taking a bath in the dark and lying on the beach with absolutely nothing on your agenda outside of lotioning up, so don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.
9. Blogging. For all the days I just want to veg out and hurl my computer through the window before someone slips me the red pill and I find myself jacking into The Matrix, can’t really think of a whole lot of other accomplishments that have made me feel so productive and proud as Cut The Crap Movie Reviews has. Would place it higher on the list if it didn’t completely dominate any and all free time I have any more, but thanks to an all-star community of movie buffs and the lingering dream of some day moving in to Peter Travers’ office, the payoff is so worth the effort.
8. Music. Just went to see Arcade Fire at Madison Square Garden the other night, it was one of the Top Three best shows I’ve ever been to, and I’ve been to some good ones in my day. Been a music junkie for as long as I can remember and it’s mindblowing moments like these that remind me how effing awesome music always has been and will continue to be. Just wish we didn’t live in an age where Justin Bieber is taken seriously let alone worshipped like the golden-calf-with-a-bowl-cut that he is.
7. Movies. I think you get the idea.
6. Good food. Ladies, the way to a man’s heart is truly through his stomach. Don’t let those fascists at Cosmo sell you into eating their “600 NEW WAYS TO PROBE YOUR MAN!” horse shit. Put some shepherd’s pie in front of me and you have yourself one truly happy Aiden.
5. Meeting new people and experiencing new things. Life is too short and there’s a lot going on, gang, so step outside that comfort zone and broaden those horizons, you’ll be amazed by who and what you find. So deep, I know.
4. Reminiscing about college. Don’t long for it anymore like I did when I first entered into the dreaded “Real World”, but talk about an upgrade from High School. Best four years of my life (so far).
3. The friends. Living proof that good people attract good people. And, damn, do we know how to party.
2. The fam. Continually astounds me how many parents, aunts, uncles and cousins of mine actually read these foul-mouthed ramblings of mine, but even if they didn’t and chased me into the mountains for publishing this sick filth, I’d still be crazy about ’em. Awesome parents, awesome step-parents, an awesome brother who’s 15 years my junior and is just getting into Star Wars in a big ol’ way, and an awesome extended family who couldn’t be closer if they tried. I consider myself very, very lucky.
1. My girlfriend, Audrey. Best friend, best roommate, best cook, best lookin’, best master ninja, best everything. No one else I’d rather pay to drag along to obscure foreign films and watch Father of the Bride marathons with. What a peach.
Boy, a good meme if I do say so myself.
And now for the next ten wonderful souls I’m forcing this thing upon. Forgive me for any repeats, but you are just loved that much more.
– Dan @ Top 10 Films (I love you)
– The Hatter @ The Dark of the Matinee (let’s get married)
– Darren @ the mOvie blog (I feel like I’ve known you all my life)
– Castor @ Anomalous Material (God, you’re awesome)
– Red @ Anomalous Material (you’re double awesome, just don’t tell Castor)
– Fletch @ Blog Cabins (why won’t you answer my calls?)
– Anna @ Breathing Movies (::high five::)
– Peter @ The Magic Lantern (I’m pregnant)
– Ross McG @ Ross v. Ross (::high thirty w/ McD::)
– Ross McD @ Ross v. Ross (::high thirty w/ McG::)
A “high thirty” is where three people stand in a triangle and all simultaneously give each other “high tens”. Just made that up. So epic.
Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983)
VERDICT:
6/10 Slaves Gone Wild
Talk about a bad omen.
Return of the Jedi picks up with Luke and the gang trying to rescue their frozen friend Han from the lair of notorious crime boss/general freak of nature Jabba the Hutt before the Rebel Alliance makes one final push to take down the Empire once and for all by using an awfully familiar plan of attack on an awfully familiar weapon.
So, after recently receiving a refresher course on the fact that A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back are nothing short of cinematic masterpieces that still kickass and are as amazing as the day I first saw ’em, I’ve been looking forward to finally rounding out the original trilogy with good ol’ Jedi. My hopes were high, the time had come, my once-fond memories of Luke and Darth’s final battle were helping to alleviate my fears that the Ewoks couldn’t have been that bad, and since Admiral Ackbar still holds a special place in all our hearts, I pressed PLAY and soon realized that I had just entered a crushing world of disappointment and sadness.
Folks, if there was ever a sign that George Lucas should have been stopped before any more damage was done, this one was pretty much lit with fluorescent neon. I know I’m gonna get some major shit from my friends for giving Revenge of the Sith a higher score than this, and while it’s not all bad, there really is so much here to hate.
Alright, let’s start with the obvious: fuck Endor.
God, after Yoda ended up being the best thing that could have possibly happened to the reputation Muppet-like creatures across the solar system, it’s absolutely beyond me as to why Lucas decided to ditch his original idea of centering the story on the Wookie homeland of Kashyyyk (which would have been freakin’ awesome) and instead re-wrote the damn thing to go with these teddy midgets instead. Honestly, what in the world could have been going through that guy’s mind? Wookies are awesome, Wookies tear shit up, so why replace ’em with glorified Care Bears who fight off chicken walkers by dropping rocks from hang gliders? Absolutely beyond me and this was the last place I wanted to see everyone celebrating their ultimate victory when it was all said and done.
But the speeder chase was sweet. I’ll give it that.
And then there’s Lucas’ script, and lord is it weak. With the exception of 3P0 who’s still consistently amusing, none of the characters here have any of the wit and charm that made them so memorable in the first place. Leia is nothing short of a cardboard cutout in a metal bikini who has completely lost all her badass broaditude (but I did dig her “I know,” to Han’s, “I love you,”), Han doesn’t have any good one-liners (and I hate how his stupid bumbling around ends up leading to Boba Fett’s outrageously lame death), and Luke (who somehow went from Jedi Chump to Jedi Master without any extra training) just isn’t any fun to be around anymore, dude needs to lighten up. Once again, there’s too much focus on the Rebellion and not enough on the folks leading it, but it was good to see the father and son dynamic with Darth and Luke brought to the forefront.
Also wasn’t a fan of the whole first Act in Jabba’s hideout which felt more like an excuse for Lucas to see how many different species he could make to look like they had dicks coming out of their heads than anything else. Jabba’s laughing pet “rat”? Stupid. That whole extra scene that Lucas added with the anteater jazz singer and that red douche who yells into the camera during his solo? Double stupid. If it weren’t for Hayden Christensen being added to play Vader’s ghost (it’s totally not a ghost, but the word’s not coming to me right now) at the end, this whole musical interlude would have easily been the worst thing about the Special Edition remakes. The rancor scene hasn’t exactly aged all too well either. I don’t know, the whole thing just felt like a bizarre note to start the movie out on and I couldn’t wait for the crew to get out of there.
And speaking of scenes that haven’t aged well, wasn’t all that crazy about the final showdown either. Luke and Darth’s red and green lighsabers look awfully sweet against their blacked-out wardrobes, but in comparison to their emotionally legit fight in Empire, this looked almost too choreographed up until Luke starts wailing on his pops like a goddamned lumberjack. Maybe I need to see it again because I definitely remember liking it back in the day, but it just didn’t do it for me this time around. That Emperor was a dick though, man.
Yoda’s death was also way too drawn out and I hate how Luke drops the bomb to Leia that they’re siblings like it’s no big deal. That’s a big reveal, man, that should have been given more weight.
But one of the most glaring issues I had with this script was that it feels kinda rehashed. I mean, Death Stars are pretty cool, anything that can kill a planet in one shot usually falls into the “pretty cool” category, but sometimes one planet-sized instrument of sheer annihiliation is enough. For all his imagination and vision, I’m pretty surprised that Lucas couldn’t come up with a new weapon that wasn’t the exact same thing that the Rebels already took out. Would have been a perfect time to think outside the box and up the ante for us loyal fans.
Well, the best way I can sum it all my complaints and woes about this unfortunate end to an otherwise legendary trilogy is that the magic is gone. My friend Mike put it best when he told me that rediscovering A New Hope and Empire after all these years was, “Like meeting a long-lost friend again.” From start to finish, those two movies had me cheering, smiling and falling back in love with Star Wars all over again in ways I never expected and I’m sure that when I go back and watch them again in another ten years, I’ll still be singing the same tune. But all that wonder, all that enjoyment, all those key ingredients that made Lucas the King of the Geeks that he is today was gone in Jedi, only to be replaced by shit that probably sold more Happy Meals than I could possibly imagine.
I don’t know, guys. I really don’t have a lot of good things to say about this movie since it stands as more of a sign of things to come than it does a fitting conclusion to a mind-blowingly awesome story, and that’s really a shame. But since it’s Star Wars and its got a whole lot of nostalgia factor going for it, Return of the Jedi gets a 6 and I can’t bring myself to drop it any lower despite the bad taste in my mouth. Snafus and all, it’s still one of the best trilogies you’ll ever find, just wish it had taken itself more seriously by the end.
And what fuck was with this guy?
Breaking Away (1979)
VERDICT:
9/10 Slacker Uprisings
A tragically forgotten and entirely timeless coming-of-ager.
Breaking Away is about a kid who graduates from High School and decides to take a year off to hang with his “bum” friends and pursue his one true passion in life: competitive cycling. But since his friends aren’t exactly the most upstanding citizens in the township and the kid’s father doesn’t give half a rat’s ass about anything having to do with Ities and bicycles, he’s forced to tread his own path and find out the hard way how to lead his life despite what others expect of him.
So, as mentioned earlier, I think I’m grabbing at sticks right now in regards to finding folks who actually know what the hell this movie even is. I’m thinking some of y’all are looking at those “CUTTERS” T-shirts on the poster and thinking, “Those there young’ins could afford to stop listening to so much of that ’emo’ music I keep hearing about, ” but that really has nothing to do with why this movie is nothing short of seminal for anyone who feels like they’re the biggest fish in the smallest pond. And for the record, they’re referring to granite cutters, so that should be the least of your worries anyway.
On the one hand, Breaking Away is a tried and true sports movie. It’s Rudy, it’s Rocky, only it’s with bikes instead of football, and while I’m thinking that most of us Americans wouldn’t lose a whole lot of sleep without getting the latest update on the Tour de France, you’d be surprised at how engrossing this sport becomes even if you haven’t so much as hopped on an elliptical machine in your time. I mean, you put an underdog in any kind of situation, how in the hell can’t you root for ’em like gangbusters? Face it: we’re suckers for ’em and there’s nothing we can do about it.
The protagonist of our story is Dave Stoller, played by the one-hit-wonder himself, Dennis Christopher. The reason he’s a one-hit-wonder in the first place is because he’s done absolute jack crap since this came out roughly 30 years ago, but all the same, he’s one memorable individual. For a good long while he’s got this Italian kick going where he talks like he’s right off the Pinta, shaves his legs like his idols on the Cinzano cycling team and refuses to call his parents anything other than “Mama” and “Papa”, but as annoying as it may seem in one sense, it’s entirely endearing in another. Even though there were times when I wished he would just stop singing opera music and try to hit on girls like a normal human being, Stoller as a whole adds a lot to what makes this movie so unique and fun in the first place and I really have no idea why he phased out so quickly in the wake of his initial fame.
But for all his quirks, the thing to love about Dave Stoller is that he’s not “normal”. He’s more on the weird side than anything else, but there’s a passion and flame to it that you can’t deny no matter how out there he may be. He’s a guy you stick by, someone who’s stamina makes you feel like a beached whale for all the right reasons, someone who makes you want to stand up and scream, “If Dave can do it, so can I!” and that’s something else.
And then there’s Dave’s niche of friends played by the now-great Jackie Earle Haley, Daniel Stern (who very much needs a comeback) and Dennis Quaid (who continues to kick ass whenever present) and this is one of those instances that should make us all wonder why it took so long for them to be household names in the first place. Granted, Daniel Stern isn’t much of a household name outside of “That ‘Wet Bandit’ guy from Home Alone,” but all these guys have talent to spare which continues to go untapped.
And bonus points to Paul Dooley (the ultimate ’80s dad) as Dave’s father who’s waking nightmare is providing refunds for customers at his used car dealership.
Look, Breaking Away isn’t just a great sports movie, it’s a movie about believing in yourself and not buying the bullshit when others tell you that you’re never going to amount to the person you know you’re gonna be. We’ve all gone through periods in our lives where he spend Summers being professional hanger-outers, but we also all have that spark within us that’s just waiting to get set ablaze like an effing inferno, and this is one of those stories that’ll keep it burning strong. Man, I grew up on this movie and as often as I’ve seen it over the years, it’s still breaks me down like an infant with each viewing and it still keeps me plugging along towards reaching all my goals that I know I can reach. The pacing might not be as razor sharp as one might expect these days, but it stands the test of time like no other and it’s about time it got its due.
Proud Cutter for life over here.
The Little Mermaid (1989)
VERDICT:
8/10 Hot Crustacean Bands
Not quite up to par with Beauty and the Beast, but it’s no wonder that this is what put Disney back on the map.
The Little Mermaid is about a mermaid (bet you didn’t see that one coming) that has bigger things on her mind than being daddy’s little princess after a chance encounter with the hunkiest buccaneer that ever did sail the ocean blue who she naturally goes ape for the moments she lays eyes on his dashing good looks and lack of gills. So then dear old dad finds out about the crush, he totally over-reacts and starts waving his trident around all willy-nilly, and in totally stupid, angsty move, our girl sells her soul to the one half-human, half-octopus you shouldn’t even sell your seaweed to so that she can have three days as a human to get the man of her dreams…or else.
So, much like my recent return to the aforementioned masterpiece that is Beauty and the Beast, it had been quite a while since I’d given is movie a look because I’d more or less thought that people would question my having “boy parts” if I dared to talk about it in public. ‘Tis a shame really, but I’ve come around thanks to the help of Waking Sleeping Beauty and the fellas over at Pixar, and better yet, I’m proud to announce that everything is still very much in order. That was a close one.
Anywho, the real star of the show here, even more than my man Sebastian, even more than the seashell bikini craze this started, is the music. Wasn’t all that crazy about “Part of That World” or Ursula’s jam, but then there’s the holy trinity of “Under the Sea”, “Kiss the Girl” (best of the bunch) and the French chef’s “Poisson” song (hilarious), and that pretty much sealed the deal for me. The lyrics are great, the instrumentals are catchy as sin and up until that Jamaican crab starts orchestrating those turtles whose shells sound suspiciously similar to steel drums, this movie was actually hovering somewhere around a 7.
The writing for the most part is good, but it’s really through the tunes that the humor, connections and personalities of the characters and the story as a whole comes to life. The only exceptions to this statement being the continually amusing seagull, Scuttle, and the scene where Ariel starts acting a fool at the dinner table by forking her hair and ashing out a pipe on some rich dude’s face, but the magic really is in the music. Man, that Howard Ashman and Alan Manken really knew what the hell they were doing and do a great job of elevating an otherwise charming and fun script into a real treat that had me smiling right along.
But I don’t know, the characters aren’t bad, they just aren’t as memorable as I once remembered the being. Flounder is just kind of there, Triton seemed like a pretty canned father figure, and while Ariel does seem to have the perfect look to match the persona, there have been better Disney princesses. She made some pretty dumb decisions. Ursula’s a pretty solid villain though, but these mermaid folk must be as gullible or desperate as they come if they didn’t turn tail as soon as they swam through her trophy hall of trapped souls. Wouldn’t strike me as the best way to lure in customers, but, hey, can’t say it didn’t work for the gal.
And I don’t know about you, but I was sweating bullets during the last Act here. Honestly, once Ursula got the upper hand in a most serious of fashions, I really had no freaking’ clue how our gang was gonna get back in top. That chick was bigger than Godzilla and she had Triton’s trident, and as far as I could tell, there wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do about it. Big fan of how that situation got resolved though. Chalk one up for the humans.
Alright, it’s not the emotional roller coaster or trip down nostalgia lane like some of these Disney classics are, but The Little Mermaid still very much deserves a place in the “classic” canon. It’s still beautifully animated, it’s worth revisiting if only for the music and it’s hard not to get swept up in any experience when it makes you feel just like a kid again. And if you haven’t seen Ponyo yet, check that joint out, very cool remake of sorts.
And Nic Cage’s worst haircut is in …
DRIVE ANGRY 3-D!
Man, I had my money on Bangkok Dangerous, was not expecting a movie that hasn’t even come out yet. Then again, just look at the freakin’ rats nest on that guy’s head. Ridiculous.
Someone please tell that guy to fire his stylist already.
RESULTS:
– Drive Angry 3-D: 15 votes
– The Sorcerer’s Apprentice: 5 votes
– Kick-Ass: 0 votes (what a pedo mustache)
– Bangkok Dangerous: 6 votes (did anyone see this?)
– Next: 6 votes (did anyone see this?)
– Adaptation.: 8 votes
– Con Air: 6 votes
– Raising Arizona: 2 votes (arguably his best haircut)
– Peggy Sue Got Married: 0 votes
– Valley Girl: 3 votes
– Other: 1 vote for National Treasure, 1 vote for Rumble Fish and 1 vote for whatever the hell this movie is from…
Any thoughts on the remote possibility of a movie called Drive Angry 3-D being good?
The Room (2003)
VERDICT:
9/10 Audience Participation Awards
You gotta see it to believe it.
If you’ve never heard of it before, The Room is a thing of legend. The story more or less revolves around a woman who’s sleeping with her fiancee’s best friend, but I’ll just leave it at that because trying to legitimize anything this movie has to offer would be to miss the point entirely. In fact, the point isn’t the movie at all, it’s the experience that only “The Citizen Kane of bad movies” could offer to a legion of people who have helped writer/director/producer/star Tommy Wiseau slowly earn back the $9 million he spent out-of-pocket to create this monster.
My introduction to The Room started a couple months back when I came across a news report featuring Alec Baldwin in front of the Village East Cinema theater in New York. He sings the movie’s praises, he’s grinning like it’s Christmas morning, the camera pans to the moviegoers that are wrapped clear around the block, for some reason they’re tossing around footballs and Tommy Wiseau himself has stopped by to greet his “fans”. I am intrigued, I want to know more, but time goes by, my Netflix queue continues to grow and I start forget about the mystery that is The Room.
Then I come across this post by Tom Clift over at Plus Trailers and I’m forced to read it in intervals because the laughter is disturbing my co-workers. I can’t believe what I’ve been missing, the fascination returns ten-fold and from that point on, I’m sold, I need this in my life.
Months go by and I finally snag tickets for the midnight showing on July 30th. I get three friends on board, the longest week ever goes by, Judgment Day arrives.
9:00 – We start off the evening with a couple drinks at a bar around the corner, we figure this will help us stay awake or something, I’m not really sure, but alcohol doesn’t seem like the worst way to start this night out.
11:15 – The beer is working, we’re doing alright, so we close out or tabs and head back to Village East only to find a line that made us hope and pray that this theater was way effing bigger on the inside than it looked on the outside.
11:45 – The line has nearly tripled in size, at least we’re not those guys. We’re not even inside and footballs are being thrown, Tommy Wiseau look-alikes are walking around in tuxedoes, the quoting has begun and I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into. This may very well be a disaster.
11:50 – They start to let us in, the line erupts in cheers.
12:00 – The theater is in fact enormous, we find four seats together and proceed to applaud with everyone else as the Wiseau doppelganger in the front row throws touchdown passes to the soccer hooligan in the back of the mezzanine.
12:10 – Two guys walk to the front of the theater with microphones in hand and hold a contest to see who in the crowd can come up with the best Tommy Wiseau origin story. A dozen people line up on stage, the crowd doesn’t seem too impressed by their answers, one of the contestants yells “TOMMY WISEAU IS THE MAN!”,he is soundly booed by the entire theater and ordered to “GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE!” Clearly, everyone already knew that about T-dubbs. The winner says something about how he was born in two suitcases at an airport, everyone goes nuts, it goes right over our heads. She wins a pillow or something, I can’t really remember.
12:20 – The lights dim, the crowd goes fucking bonkers. I stop looking at my watch, the rest is a blur of utter madness, but here are the highlights.
– Wiseau’s name appears on-screen, the applause is defeaning each time it comes up. Wiseau himself appears on-screen, the theater erupts like Kramer just walked into the room. The same thing happens for each new character, except for Wiseau’s cheating fiancee, Lisa, who everyone just calls a slut and a whore.
– For some reason there are framed pictures of silverware all around Wiseau’s apartment. Each time they appear on-screen, everyone screams “SPOON!” and begins throwing waves of plastic silverware at the screen. My face is already in pain from laughing.
– Wiseau is having sex with his fiancee, it is outrageously awkward. Lots of strange thrusting, he is all about the rose petals, we see his bare ass, it is disgusting.
– We are treated to footage of cars driving across the Golden Gate bridge, the crowd starts chanting ”GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!” until the camera reaches the other end. We all start clapping. This never gets old.
– Wiseau is having sex again, the same footage from before is being used here. His ass is still hideous. Wouldn’t be surprised if this turned up on Skinemax.
– Wiseau starts tossing a football around with his friends, everyone in the theater who has a football stands up and follows suit until the scene finishes. This happens a good three or four more times.
– One of the characters is being shaken down by a drug dealer on a roof. Why? No one knows, but Wiseau and the gang show up just in the nick of time and save him before he gets a bullet to the brain. This is never brought up again.
– One of the characters matter-of-factly reveals that she has breast cancer, she doesn’t seem to care, it is never brought up again.
– Wiseau’s best friend is sitting on the roof in a Canadian tuxedo, the camera pans down to his waist, one of the guys in the audience begins screaming “THAT IS A BONER! THAT IS A BONER! THAT IS A BONER!” Lo and behold, it is totally a boner. It seems like he’s the first to notice this, we all appreciate the astute observation.
– Wiseau sets up a ghetto wiretap on his answering machine, the audience starts singing the Mission: Impossible theme song. Awesome.
– A psychiatrist randomly becomes a main character, everyone yells, “WHO ARE YOU?” He accidentally looks into the camera, everyone yells, “LOOK AT THE CAMERA!” He turns away, everyone yells, “DON’T LOOK AT THE CAMERA!” I’m short of breath.
– A birthday party is held for Wiseau, he walks in and his friends yell, “SURPRISE!” Everyone in the crowd throws glowsticks into the aisles. I lose it.
– Another psychiatrist randomly becomes a main character, everyone wonders aloud who he is.
– Wiseau starts trashing his apartment, it’s not very convincing, but he does lift a TV over his head and chuck it out the window with the strength of ten men. Very realistic.
2:30 – The end credits roll, everyone applauds, we leave the theater changed men.
But even after all this, describing what I went through last Friday night is nothing compared to experiencing it for yourself. It’s a long night, the novelty of a constantly screaming audience tends to wear a bit thin towards the last Act, and the kicker is that The Room really is a terrible movie, an absolute atrocity on every front. But like I said, this isn’t about the movie to begin with.
Almost always, going out to the movies or watching them in the comfort of my own home isn’t exactly the most…exciting experience to write home about. As much as we’d all love to hear about the dirty details behind my latest Star Wars marathon, something tells me that what’s going down with the Empire is a hell of a lot more interesting than the mac and cheese I’m eating in my boxers. But then something like this comes around and reminds me of how much fun going to the movies can be. I haven’t had a blast like this in a theater since Kill Bill: Vol. 1 and if someone asked me to go again, I wouldn’t think twice.
Folks, if you ever get the chance, go for it. Can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard and there’s still a ton of other stuff I forgot to mention, but don’t wait for this to arrive from Netflix, you need to actively seek this out. And most importantly, remember to bring spoons.
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 
