Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983)

VERDICT:
6/10 Slaves Gone Wild

Talk about a bad omen.

Return of the Jedi picks up with Luke and the gang trying to rescue their frozen friend Han from the lair of notorious crime boss/general freak of nature Jabba the Hutt before the Rebel Alliance makes one final push to take down the Empire once and for all by using an awfully familiar plan of attack on an awfully familiar weapon.

So, after recently receiving a refresher course on the fact that A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back are nothing short of cinematic masterpieces that still kickass and are as amazing as the day I first saw ’em, I’ve been looking forward to finally rounding out the original trilogy with good ol’ Jedi. My hopes were high, the time had come, my once-fond memories of Luke and Darth’s final battle were helping to alleviate my fears that the Ewoks couldn’t have been that bad, and since Admiral Ackbar still holds a special place in all our hearts, I pressed PLAY and soon realized that I had just entered a crushing world of disappointment and sadness.

Folks, if there was ever a sign that George Lucas should have been stopped before any more damage was done, this one was pretty much lit with fluorescent neon. I know I’m gonna get some major shit from my friends for giving Revenge of the Sith a higher score than this, and while it’s not all bad, there really is so much here to hate.

Alright, let’s start with the obvious: fuck Endor.

God, after Yoda ended up being the best thing that could have possibly happened to the reputation Muppet-like creatures across the solar system, it’s absolutely beyond me as to why Lucas decided to ditch his original idea of centering the story on the Wookie homeland of Kashyyyk (which would have been freakin’ awesome) and instead re-wrote the damn thing to go with these teddy midgets instead. Honestly, what in the world could have been going through that guy’s mind? Wookies are awesome, Wookies tear shit up, so why replace ’em with glorified Care Bears who fight off chicken walkers by dropping rocks from hang gliders? Absolutely beyond me and this was the last place I wanted to see everyone celebrating their ultimate victory when it was all said and done.

But the speeder chase was sweet. I’ll give it that.

And then there’s Lucas’ script, and lord is it weak. With the exception of 3P0 who’s still consistently amusing, none of the characters here have any of the wit and charm that made them so memorable in the first place. Leia is nothing short of a cardboard cutout in a metal bikini who has completely lost all her badass broaditude (but I did dig her “I know,” to Han’s, “I love you,”), Han doesn’t have any good one-liners (and I hate how his stupid bumbling around ends up leading to Boba Fett’s outrageously lame death), and Luke (who somehow went from Jedi Chump to Jedi Master without any extra training) just isn’t any fun to be around anymore, dude needs to lighten up. Once again, there’s too much focus on the Rebellion and not enough on the folks leading it, but it was good to see the father and son dynamic with Darth and Luke brought to the forefront.

Also wasn’t a fan of the whole first Act in Jabba’s hideout which felt more like an excuse for Lucas to see how many different species he could make to look like they had dicks coming out of their heads than anything else. Jabba’s laughing pet “rat”? Stupid. That whole extra scene that Lucas added with the anteater jazz singer and that red douche who yells into the camera during his solo? Double stupid. If it weren’t for Hayden Christensen being added to play Vader’s ghost (it’s totally not a ghost, but the word’s not coming to me right now) at the end, this whole musical interlude would have easily been the worst thing about the Special Edition remakes. The rancor scene hasn’t exactly aged all too well either. I don’t know, the whole thing just felt like a bizarre note to start the movie out on and I couldn’t wait for the crew to get out of there.

And speaking of scenes that haven’t aged well, wasn’t all that crazy about the final showdown either. Luke and Darth’s red and green lighsabers look awfully sweet against their blacked-out wardrobes, but in comparison to their emotionally legit fight in Empire, this looked almost too choreographed up until Luke starts wailing on his pops like a goddamned lumberjack. Maybe I need to see it again because I definitely remember liking it back in the day, but it just didn’t do it for me this time around. That Emperor was a dick though, man.

Yoda’s death was also way too drawn out and I hate how Luke drops the bomb to Leia that they’re siblings like it’s no big deal. That’s a big reveal, man, that should have been given more weight.

But one of the most glaring issues I had with this script was that it feels kinda rehashed. I mean, Death Stars are pretty cool, anything that can kill a planet in one shot usually falls into the “pretty cool” category, but sometimes one planet-sized instrument of sheer annihiliation is enough. For all his imagination and vision, I’m pretty surprised that Lucas couldn’t come up with a new weapon that wasn’t the exact same thing that the Rebels already took out. Would have been a perfect time to think outside the box and up the ante for us loyal fans.

Well, the best way I can sum it all my complaints and woes about this unfortunate end to an otherwise legendary trilogy is that the magic is gone. My friend Mike put it best when he told me that rediscovering A New Hope and Empire after all these years was, “Like meeting a long-lost friend again.” From start to finish, those two movies had me cheering, smiling and falling back in love with Star Wars all over again in ways I never expected and I’m sure that when I go back and watch them again in another ten years, I’ll still be singing the same tune. But all that wonder, all that enjoyment, all those key ingredients that made Lucas the King of the Geeks that he is today was gone in Jedi, only to be replaced by shit that probably sold more Happy Meals than I could possibly imagine.

I don’t know, guys. I really don’t have a lot of good things to say about this movie since it stands as more of a sign of things to come than it does a fitting conclusion to a mind-blowingly awesome story, and that’s really a shame. But since it’s Star Wars and its got a whole lot of nostalgia factor going for it, Return of the Jedi gets a 6 and I can’t bring myself to drop it any lower despite the bad taste in my mouth. Snafus and all, it’s still one of the best trilogies you’ll ever find, just wish it had taken itself more seriously by the end.

And what fuck was with this guy?