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Grown Ups (2010)

March 29, 2011

0/10 Shattered Memories

Dude, what the fuck happened to these guys?

Grown Ups is about five childhood friends who get older, start families, and reunite down the line after their basketball coach kicks the bucket. So they all head off to a lakeside cabin, catch up on old times, and start taking a good hard look at the stupid stuff that’s been cluttering their otherwise happy lives.

Jesus, I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Sitting through this was like the first time I tried to watch Caddyshack 2. For all intents and purposes, this had all the potential to be a hilarious movie because at one point and time, at least two of these guys were the funniest people on the planet. But then Jackie Mason took over for Rodney Dangerfield, Kevin James took over for Chris Farley, and I curse this blog of mine since it’s the only reason I didn’t press STOP at the ten-minute mark.

There really isn’t much to say about Grown Ups because the trailer kinda said it all. This is just your textbook example of edgy dudes who grew up, sold out, had kids, and then made a movie that they could take the whole family to. In short, F that S. Every time, F that S. Here’s why:

Adam Sandler used to be funny, now he’s not, but that one’s been a long time coming. Chris Rock used to be funny, and he still is, but just not in movies. David Spade used to be funny (at least I thought he was in Just Shoot Me), now he’s just creepy. Rob Schneider had his moments, I suppose, now he’s even creepier than Spade. Kevin James has never been funny, and Chris Farley rolling in his grave. I don’t know what else to say, folks. The proof is in the pudding and it has been for a while.

And I can’t believe Steve Buscemi got dragged into this just because he played Crazy Eyes. Thank God he’s kicking ass on Boardwalk Empire to even things out.

Going off that, the humor here is painfully unfunny. The whole effing script is just watching these guys make inside jokes that no one in the audience can join in on, and it wouldn’t be so bad if the inside jokes didn’t seem so stupid to begin with. They tell Chris Rock that he looks like Michael Vick a lot, they tell Adam Sandler that he got fat a lot, they tell Kevin James that he got really fat a lot, they tell David Spade that he’s a horny drunk a lot, and they tell Rob Schneider that he’s got a nasally voice that sounds weird when he calls corn “maze”. Mix all that together with dudes doing nosedives into piles of shit, old women who fart a lot and have bunyons the size of an eggplant, Rob Schneider knocking boots with other old women, and chicks spraying each other in the face with projectile breast milk straight from the tap, and that’s your movie.

Honestly, why did they do this to themselves? This God-awful script and this whole damn production was just an excuse for them to go on vacation for a couple weeks and get paid while doing it. Part of me can’t blame ’em, but most of me wants to slap these fools in the mouth and remind them that they were once legendary…at least two of them were. The truth of the matter is that they’ve just stopped trying and have resorted to cashing in on their A-list statuses instead of doing what they do best: making people laugh. I can’t remember the last time I laughed less at a comedy, I’d be shocked if they laughed either, and they should really be ashamed of themselves.

A sense of humor doesn’t just mysteriously go away like that. That shit is a choice.

Look, if Paul Blart, Joe Dirt and Zohan are the only memories you have of this crew, then Grown Ups might just suck a little less. But if you’re like me and vividly remember wasting hours in front of the TV watching SNL reruns on Comedy Central because Canteen Boy, Nat X and that bit where David Spade got a tattoo from Sean Penn nearly made you wet yourself every time they came on, then Grown Ups will suck like no other and will make you sad. Maybe I’m just too young to understand this movie, maybe I need to have myself some kids before I start bashing the very people who gave me such joy back in the day, but for the time being, I’m disappointed in these guys and I think I speak for the majority when I say that we deserve better.

If this is what happens when you have a mid-life crisis, then I am freaking the fuck out, man.

25 Comments leave one →
  1. March 29, 2011 6:55 am

    These guys were all hilarious, but here, nothing is funny one bit. I just sure hope these guys don’t hang out like this in real life, that would really be a bummer. Nice job bro!

    • April 10, 2011 9:24 pm

      Thanks, man. And I hear ya’, if this is what these guys are like off-screen nowadays, that’s just sad.

  2. Ryan permalink
    March 29, 2011 9:02 am

    Geese, were you in a bad mood when you watched this? The movie wasn’t good, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. A zero? Damn.

    • April 10, 2011 9:25 pm

      Haha. Dude, that’s a bold move defending Grown Ups. Really was that bad, homey.

  3. Pablo Chiste permalink
    March 29, 2011 11:07 am

    A spot on review. It’s one of the laziest movies I’ve ever seen. It’s like they decided let’s go rent a cabin, bring a film crew, and we’ll distribute the results and still make a $100 million bucks.

    • April 10, 2011 9:25 pm

      Thanks, man, and that’s exactly what this was all the way to the bank. For shame.

  4. March 29, 2011 11:15 am

    Everything about the trailer made me want to run as far way from this film as I could. Glad there’s confirmation that it’s awful

    • April 10, 2011 9:26 pm

      Yeah, the trailer was more than a dead giveaway for what to expect. Truly abysmal.

  5. March 29, 2011 12:04 pm

    Couldn’t agree more…Possibly the worst movie of the year, and probably the most cynical review that I’ve put on AM. This was basically a 100 minute version of a Comedy Century Roast, and it wasn’t one bit funny.

    • April 10, 2011 9:28 pm

      Yeah, if I had actually seen this last year, it may very well have bumped Alice in Wonderland as the worst of the year. And you’re dead on about the roast thing, their asses would have gotten booed off in true Situation fashion.

  6. March 29, 2011 12:33 pm

    I knew from the trailer that I needed to stay far away from this!

    • April 10, 2011 9:29 pm

      So did I. No idea why I betrayed my gut.

      • April 27, 2011 2:13 am

        I have stayed true to my gut. Feeling pretty, pretty good about that decision right now…

  7. March 29, 2011 5:33 pm

    A friend made me watch this instead of seeing Inception.

  8. March 29, 2011 8:21 pm

    Cool review!
    I thought exactly the same, I also gave it a 0/10, one of the few films I have ever given that too. It was easily the worst film I’d seen for a very long time.
    I suppose it was king of shock as I rarely watch really bad films, for example, I haven’t seen any of the films in your current poll…

    Great blog by the way!

  9. March 30, 2011 7:01 am

    Wow I usually stay far away from anything that has Adam Sandler in it. I used to work at a movie rental place, and every time someone rented Zohan my soul died a little.

  10. March 31, 2011 11:38 am

    this was bad, yes. but it wasnt that bad. id say its worth at least three or four. once you get down that low though, who’s counting? but seriously, ive seen much worse films than this.
    yep, ive seen Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes

  11. March 31, 2011 9:08 pm

    I love that last photo of the whole group and then Chris Rock dejected on the end with what has to be one of the all time “token black guy again, son of a bitch!”

  12. March 31, 2011 10:13 pm

    Kudos to you for actually watching this crap. I’m not sure I could make it through the entire thing, even for the sake of the blog!

  13. April 1, 2011 1:21 pm

    You’re one tough S.O.B. for watching this drivel on purpose.

  14. April 3, 2011 3:49 pm

    Your midlife crisis is in your own hands, man 😉

    I didn’t plan to watch this movie, but it sounds so bad, I feel I have to see it.

  15. HermioneO permalink
    April 4, 2011 3:10 pm

    eh . i’d give it a 2.

    But the sad part for me was seeing Maria Bello in that crap. What happened to the person we saw in Ransom? What happened to the fiery lawyer we saw in History of Violence? What happened (god help me) to the brassy bar owner of Coyote Ugly, or the siren who’d blow you as soon as look at you in Duets?

    And I liked Joe Dirt, dude.

  16. May 13, 2011 8:53 am

    Okay, I’ve never seen this and probably never will thanks to your review Aiden. But by the sounds of things it stars four actors who used to be funny but now, fatally for the film, aren’t. I hated Funny People starring Adam Sandler, haven’t seen a film I’ve loved by him since…erm…a long time ago. I’m off the watch The Wedding Singer.

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