Grown Ups (2010)

VERDICT:
0/10 Shattered Memories

Dude, what the fuck happened to these guys?

Grown Ups is about five childhood friends who get older, start families, and reunite down the line after their basketball coach kicks the bucket. So they all head off to a lakeside cabin, catch up on old times, and start taking a good hard look at the stupid stuff that’s been cluttering their otherwise happy lives.

Jesus, I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Sitting through this was like the first time I tried to watch Caddyshack 2. For all intents and purposes, this had all the potential to be a hilarious movie because at one point and time, at least two of these guys were the funniest people on the planet. But then Jackie Mason took over for Rodney Dangerfield, Kevin James took over for Chris Farley, and I curse this blog of mine since it’s the only reason I didn’t press STOP at the ten-minute mark.

There really isn’t much to say about Grown Ups because the trailer kinda said it all. This is just your textbook example of edgy dudes who grew up, sold out, had kids, and then made a movie that they could take the whole family to. In short, F that S. Every time, F that S. Here’s why:

Adam Sandler used to be funny, now he’s not, but that one’s been a long time coming. Chris Rock used to be funny, and he still is, but just not in movies. David Spade used to be funny (at least I thought he was in Just Shoot Me), now he’s just creepy. Rob Schneider had his moments, I suppose, now he’s even creepier than Spade. Kevin James has never been funny, and Chris Farley rolling in his grave. I don’t know what else to say, folks. The proof is in the pudding and it has been for a while.

And I can’t believe Steve Buscemi got dragged into this just because he played Crazy Eyes. Thank God he’s kicking ass on Boardwalk Empire to even things out.

Going off that, the humor here is painfully unfunny. The whole effing script is just watching these guys make inside jokes that no one in the audience can join in on, and it wouldn’t be so bad if the inside jokes didn’t seem so stupid to begin with. They tell Chris Rock that he looks like Michael Vick a lot, they tell Adam Sandler that he got fat a lot, they tell Kevin James that he got really fat a lot, they tell David Spade that he’s a horny drunk a lot, and they tell Rob Schneider that he’s got a nasally voice that sounds weird when he calls corn “maze”. Mix all that together with dudes doing nosedives into piles of shit, old women who fart a lot and have bunyons the size of an eggplant, Rob Schneider knocking boots with other old women, and chicks spraying each other in the face with projectile breast milk straight from the tap, and that’s your movie.

Honestly, why did they do this to themselves? This God-awful script and this whole damn production was just an excuse for them to go on vacation for a couple weeks and get paid while doing it. Part of me can’t blame ’em, but most of me wants to slap these fools in the mouth and remind them that they were once legendary…at least two of them were. The truth of the matter is that they’ve just stopped trying and have resorted to cashing in on their A-list statuses instead of doing what they do best: making people laugh. I can’t remember the last time I laughed less at a comedy, I’d be shocked if they laughed either, and they should really be ashamed of themselves.

A sense of humor doesn’t just mysteriously go away like that. That shit is a choice.

Look, if Paul Blart, Joe Dirt and Zohan are the only memories you have of this crew, then Grown Ups might just suck a little less. But if you’re like me and vividly remember wasting hours in front of the TV watching SNL reruns on Comedy Central because Canteen Boy, Nat X and that bit where David Spade got a tattoo from Sean Penn nearly made you wet yourself every time they came on, then Grown Ups will suck like no other and will make you sad. Maybe I’m just too young to understand this movie, maybe I need to have myself some kids before I start bashing the very people who gave me such joy back in the day, but for the time being, I’m disappointed in these guys and I think I speak for the majority when I say that we deserve better.

If this is what happens when you have a mid-life crisis, then I am freaking the fuck out, man.