Big (1988)
VERDICT:
8/10 Caviar Dinners
Angels & Demons comes out today, and since it costs a gold doubloon for a movie ticket in NYC, and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be a piece of crap, and I still haven’t read the book, I think I’m gonna skip it. So what better time than now to take a look back at a Tom Hanks classic that won’t offend your religious beliefs.
Big is about a boy who stumbles upon a fortune-telling machine at a carnival that grants his wish to be…wait for it…big!
The story’s been done a million times but Big is the only movie that does it right. I haven’t seen 17 Again, but I don’t think I’m jumping the gun here. The only exception that even comes close to matching Big is the 2003 remake of Freaky Friday. You heard me right, Freaky Friday. Check it out. Jamie Lee Curtis kicks ass in it.
It doesn’t hurt either that Big is backed up by great writing and some classic one-liners, but Tom Hanks playing the most believable 12-year-old-in-a-grown-man’s-body of all time is what sets this movie apart from the rest. The writers absolutely nail what a kid would do if he ran away from home and shacked up in New York City and Hanks has a blast acting it all out.
It’s hard to describe why you’ll like Big so much without really sitting down and watching it for yourself. Like all these kinds of movies, it’s about growing up, but there’s a lot of real heart in this movie that hits home on a lot of simple, innocent emotions that get put on the back burner somewhere around the time your parents sat you down for the “birds and the bees” talk.
This is one of the more under appreciated movies of all time and it’s one of the best reminders of how freaking great it was to be a kid. It’s a movie that you should watch every couple of years, not just because it’s one of those movies you could watch again and again, but as a healthy reminder to not take yourself too seriously.
Big is simply two hours of pure fun that only gets better as you get older. There’s too much drama that comes with being an adult and it can be easy to forget how awesome it would be to play “Chopsticks” with your feet on a life-size piano. Know what I mean?
Do The Right Thing (1989)
VERDICT:
8/10 Ghetto Blasters
I’m not really sure how I feel about Spike Lee. Wasn’t crazy about him talking smack about Clint Eastwood over the whole “There’s no Black people in Flags of Our Fathers” thing and his movies can be pretty hit or miss.
But if there’s a Spike Lee joint worth pointing out, it’s this one.
Do The Right Thing follows a day in the life of a pizza delivery man in late-1980’s Brooklyn on the hottest day of Summer as he crosses paths with the local residents that are mad as hell and just waiting to snap.
The movie plays out as a slow boil of racial tension that culminates in one final scene that will undoubtedly put you on one side of the fence or the other in regards to whether you’ll like this movie or not.
But it’s a cool movie, it’s a time capsule back to a Brooklyn where Public Enemy was flooding the airwaves, social standings were measured in Air Jordans, and L.A. was about to riot over the Rodney King verdict. This was all very interesting to me, not just because I’ve had a Public Enemy phase, but because I was too busy watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I grew up in Brooklyn to know about any of this stuff at the time it was happening.
There’s a lot of great dialogue amongst the residents of Bed-Stuy about love, hate, racism, Mike Tyson, paying a dollar for extra cheese on your pizza, and remembering to do the right thing among many other topics. The characters are engaging and memorable because they all come together to form a community where everyone’s connected and it’s a place that you can actually believe existed. Everyone gets their say and they’ve all got a lot on their mind. They curse a lot, too, but that’s alright.
Aside from being a cool period piece, it’s one of the more challenging movies I’ve ever seen. The first time I saw it I really didn’t know what to think of it, it wasn’t until the second viewing that things started coming together for me. Do The Right Thing doesn’t provide you with any easy answers, so get ready to be shaken up.
Spike Lee doesn’t just let you sit back and form your own opinions casually, he gets in your face, slaps around your moral compass and howls, “What the fuck now?” Do The Right Thing has a message that demands to be heard, so if you’re going to give it a chance, you’re in for an earful. Man, I remember literally tensing up in my seat as the anger built up over the course of those two hours.
Something to keep in mind. After I saw this movie for the first time, I read an interview with Spike Lee about the general reception towards the movie’s most climactic scene that I mentioned earlier. I don’t remember where it was published, but he said something along the lines of, “It’s funny, because every time a White person asks me about Do The Right Thing, they always ask about that scene. But not a single Black person has ever asked me about it.”
That quote might sound cryptic now, but it really does speak volumes.
When you watch this movie you need to keep a couple things in mind. 1. What race-relations were like in America during the time Do The Right Thing takes place. And, 2. Think about what your impression of this movie would be if you were of a different ethnicity. The title of the movie may seem pretty straightforward at first, but you’re going to be running it through your head for days after it’s over.
Even with all that said, Do The Right Thing is a movie that will still throw you for a loop when you see it for the first time. So give it a watch, you’re brain could use a working over amidst all the mindless “My robot’s bigger than your robot” movies coming out this Summer.
Crash (2004)
VERDICT:
4/10 Racial Slurs
I’ve always been pretty suspect of the Oscar voting polls. But 2005 had me scratching my head when Crash won for Best Picture, Best Original Screenplay and Best Editing, with The Academy almost completely overlooking a much better movie that came out that year, Brokeback Mountain.
But now is not to the time to go on an Oscar rant. Maybe I’ll do that next February.
Taking place in modern-day Los Angeles, Crash follows a day in the life of about a dozen different people from various ethnic, racial, and social backgrounds as they struggle to cope with racism when it’s staring them right in the face.
It’s a good idea but it’s executed poorly. My main issue isn’t with the technical aspects of Crash, which are top-notch for the most part, but rather the storytelling aspects of it.
The thing with Crash is that it plays out more like a racially charged soap opera instead of a meditation on what fosters racism to begin with. Racism is not a black-and-white issue (no pun intended), but Crash tries to break it down for the audience so that everyone’s motivations and mindsets are practically crystal clear.
The characters are embodiments of extreme racial stereotypes and there’s not a whole lot of subtlety to be found outside of their constant yelling and screaming about how everyone in L.A. is a bigot. And to no fault of the actors, the dialogue tends to feel very forced, like they’ve been saving up a laundry list of sharp, racist comebacks and now they’ve finally gotten to use them all. I was waiting for the audience in the theater to start cheering “Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!” after a while.
It doesn’t help either that the situations they are put into are unbelievable extremes aimed to out-do the scene prior, hoping to tug at the heartstrings of the audience until they snap.
The one real saving grace of the movie that runs counter to all these problems is Matt Dillon’s performance as a racist L.A. cop. If the whole movie were about him, this would be a much better review.
I know a lot of people who liked Crash, and I’m not really one to say whether you’ll like it or not. It’s important that movies like this get made, but it’s even more important for people to form and vocalize their own opinions on what this movie has to say. If Crash does one thing really well, it gets people talking.
But look, if you want to see a good, challenging movie about race relations in modern-day America, go watch Do The Right Thing. Crash‘s heart is in the right place, but the way it goes about getting it’s message across is all wrong.
Star Trek (2009)
VERDICT:
9/10 Vulcan Nerve Pinches
“Holy shit!”
I could probably leave the review at that, plus the image of me grinning from ear to ear with my thumbs up in the air, but I’m just gonna keep on going because I have been giddy as all hell to write this since I walked out of the theater last night.
First off: Where did this come from? How did this happen? I have maybe watched a handful of episodes from Star Trek: The Next Generation in my life along with some of the more recent Trek movies that have come out over the past 15 years, and I’ve always gotten the impression that the whole thing was pretty much a poor man’s alternative to Star Wars. Sorry if I’ve offended any Trekkies out there, but just keep reading, I’ll redeem myself.
Now, out of nowhere, J.J. Abrams comes along and says to the world, “You know what, enough of this bullshit! Trek is getting an overhaul and it is going to blow your goddamn minds.” And let me tell you, folks, that’s exactly what he did. He has put this franchise in the electric chair and cranked the dials up to 11.
The movie revolves around the origins of Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the Enterprise crew during their humble beginnings as Star Fleet recruits who are forced to protect Earth from a Romulan mental case called Nero. Sounds a lot stranger than it actually is, but even I who has a pretty limited knowledge of the Star Trek universe could follow along without raising an eyebrow.
The cast is fantastic, the writing is just as good, it’s visually mind-boggling, and the movie does a really great job of creating a completely new reboot of the series while still maintaining what people loved about it to begin with.
I can just picture the writers sitting around putting this thing together and saying, “What is the most awesome thing we can do next, and how can we make it even more awesome, and then do it even better ten minutes later?” Star Trek is one of the few occasions where this line of thinking actually comes through and delivers.
I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun going to see a movie. I was ready to start high-fiving everyone around me long before the credits rolled. Star Trek is an adventure movie if there ever was one and it is an adrenaline junkie’s wet dream.
If you’re not going to see Star Trek but are still curious to see what all the fuss is about, go do a ten-foot line of cocaine, chug 20 Red Bulls, jump out of an airplane without a parachute and get hit by a roller coaster on the way down…twice. You’ll almost be there.
Doesn’t matter if you’ve never seen an episode of the thirty different Star Trek TV series’, this movie is the best time you’ll have in the theaters all Summer. You are flat out delusional if you think that G.I. Joe and the new Transformers are even going to hold a candle to this bad boy.
And do not wait for it to come out on DVD. You will be very sad.
VERDICT:
10/10 Tear-Drenched Tissues
Dear Zachary: A Letter to A Son About His Father is hands down the best movie of 2008. You probably didn’t hear about this movie when it came out, but don’t let that phase you. It’s better than The Dark Knight, it’s better than Slumdog, and it’s one of the best documentaries I have ever seen. I kid you not, this is not a test.
Dear Zachary is a documentary about a man who is killed by his pregnant girlfriend before she flees to Canada to raise their son, Zachary, and to avoid being tried for the murder on US soil. This synopsis doesn’t really do the movie justice, but I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t let you experience the story for yourself.
The movie is written, directed, edited and produced by Kurt Kuenne, the life-long best friend of the man who is killed. Kuenne structures the plot so that the audience experiences the events of what happens in the same way that he did, and it’s astounding how well it all works. Dear Zachary moves along at a breakneck pace that grabs you by the collar right from the start and you’ll find yourself more than willing to let it drag you along for the ride. It’s incredibly well put-together from a film making standpoint and is unlike any documentary you have ever seen.
If you don’t like documentaries, then do yourself a favor and completely disregard all your pre-formed notions of what you think Dear Zachary is going to be. Put this at the top of your Netflix queue immediately. There is nothing boring about Dear Zachary and you won’t be able to take your eyes off it.
But aside from the technical aspects of what makes Dear Zachary so enthralling, it’s really the story itself that’s beyond belief. You intimately care about the people involved, you want to see where the story’s going, and the whole time you’ll be thinking “Why the hell haven’t I heard about this before?”
I cannot recommend this movie enough, but be warned, it is the emotional roller coaster to end all emotional roller coasters. I’d be laughing out loud one moment and doing the whole “I’ve got something in my eye” bit to hide my manly tears five minutes later. This is not a sappy movie, this is not the documentary of Beaches, but if you can get through this movie without getting a lump in your throat, you might be a Terminator.
This is a movie that anyone can relate to because it’s a real story about real people placed in tragic circumstances that we as human beings can all empathize with. These kinds of movies don’t get made nowadays.
The point is: See. This. Movie. Dear Zachary is why documentaries exist.
VERDICT:
2/10 Nuked Fridges
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is arguably the worst movie of 2008 and it currently holds the record for being the only time that I’ve ever felt bad about someone else paying for my movie ticket.
The movie follows Dr. Jones as he goes off to uncover a new archaeological discovery, only to end up finding an alien UFO while fighting off Nazis. Yup, that’s what it’s about.
Okay, here’s a short list of my grievances against this horrible, horrible disappointment of a movie:
– Shia Lebouf is in it…as Indy’s bastard son.
– Shia Lebouf swinging on vines with dozens of wild monkeys like a bizarro mixture of Tarzan and the Fonz.
– Shia Lebouf having a sword fight with head nazi Cate Blanchett…across two cars moving at full speed.
– Mutant fire ants.
– Aliens.
To add insult to injury, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has none of the signature charm or wit of the first three movies, not even in the character of Indiana Jones. By some horrible twist of fate, Indiana Jones has turned into a boring old fart who has completely lost his sense of humor. And unfortunately, the writers aren’t entirely at fault for this either. Harrison Ford is the man and he always will be, but someone needs to send him the memo to stop doing action movies. It’s been 12 years since Air Force One and you’re not getting any more limber, Har. Time to pass the torch.
Another one of the big things that made the original trilogy so much fun was that they didn’t rely on special effects to keep the audience amazed. It was just Indy whipping shit, running from boulders, and avoiding snakes. It wasn’t exactly fancy or high-tech, but it was great and it was suspenseful as hell. Even though they’re pretty and everything, all the special effects in Crystal Skull ultimately just take away from what made Indiana Jones so believable and exciting to begin with.
With all that aside, you can blame the writers for almost everything else. The dialogue is pathetic, the actors deliver their lines with a “Why am I doing this to my career?” demeanor, the plot is a shitty mess, and the whole thing is just boring. I’m not placing a whole lot of blame on Spielberg here, because he’s also the man, but he should have known when to say when.
I could go on, but you get the idea. Go watch the first three Indy movies instead if you haven’t seen them already. I hope to God that this has been enough to turn you away from seeing this bag of crap.
Earth (2009)
VERDICT:
7/10 Duck Billed Platypuses
It was probably a good move on Disney’s part not to all call this movie Earth: Why It Sucks To Be An Animal. Because man, they got screwed.
Earth is a documentary that follows a family of polar bears, a tribe of elephants, and a pod of whales over the course of a year as they migrate across the globe in order to survive. That’s right, I knew it was called a pod.
I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that Earth is essentially a highlights reel of the mini-series Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel. I’ve while I’ve only seen about half of Planet Earth (the best thing to happen to Discovery since Cash Cab), a lot of the footage in Earth was very familiar. So with that being said, if you’ve seen Planet Earth, then you can skip this and go see Star Trek again.
The only big difference between the two is that Earth is narrated by James Earl Jones. Ever sit down to read a National Geographic and wish that Darth Vader could read it to you instead? All your wildest dreams have finally come true.
From a filmmaking standpoint, thinking about how the cameramen managed to get some of the shots in this movie will make your head spin. I can’t remember the last time I watched a movie and found myself uttering “Unreal” every fifteen minutes.
Earth is a movie that amazes more than it entertains. But that’s not a bad thing, just depends on what you’re in the mood for.
If you’re like me and inevitably find yourself falling asleep by the second rerun of the Planet Earth marathon, then this is exactly what you’ve been looking for. And if you hated earth science in school, or if you’re worried about walking into a movie where you’re going to have to learn about nature or get preached to about global warming, then put your mind at ease, sweet child. Earth isn’t out to bore you.
Earth is very much worth the price of admission and you’ll be disappointed if you don’t see it on a big screen.
Gran Torino (2008)
VERDICT:
8/10 Grumbling Scowls
When I first saw the trailer for Gran Torino, my immediate reaction was somewhere along the lines of “this is the best thing that’s ever happened to this planet”. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself, but Clint Eastwood is quite frankly a God among men and I’d pay the price of admission to watch him grunt on a toilet for two hours.
The movie follows Clint as an aging Korean War vet/angry bigot that becomes the unlikely friend his next-door neighbor, a Hmong Vietnamese teenager whose family is being terrorized by local Hmung Vietnamese gangsters. Story of my life.
The writing is simple but effective, it’s funny in an Archie Bunker kind of way, and the movie sticks with you after you leave the theater. But when push comes to shove as to what makes this movie so kick-ass, it’s Clint.
If you liked Clint in his badass prime (Dirty Harry, Unforgiven, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly), then even more reason to see Gran Torino. When he’s not sitting on his porch tossing back Pabst Blue Ribbon like it’s going out of style, he’s patrolling town to make sure every thug and hoodlum shits their pants when he so much as points at them…angrily.
So what if he’s 78? You’d shit your pants too.
Unfortunately, the only thing holding Gran Torino back is everyone but Clint. The Hmong neighbors that he befriends are all untrained actors and it shows. Normally these kinds of things are easy to overlook, but every conversation I’ve had about the movie always leads back to one horrendous display of acting on behalf of the Hmong teenager that Clint takes under his wing. One of those situations where the theater starts laughing instead of shutting up.
Anyway, go see Gran Torino. I’ll admit, I’m a little biased, but it really is a great movie and Clint gives a hell of a performance that’s a far cry from “Dirty Harry: Broken Hip“.
I Love You, Man (2009)
VERDICT:
7/10 Bro Hugs
Simply put, you’ll probably like I Love You, Man.
The movie follows Paul Rudd as he goes on “man dates” to find a best man for his wedding because he doesn’t have any male friends. And that’s about it. It’s a feel-good, crude, date movie of sorts, so if you’re looking to share a laugh with the boyfriend/girlfriend/pillow, then saddle up and enjoy.
Most of the humor in the movie revolves around Paul Rudd being painfully awkward and uncomfortable around everyone on Earth; think Michael Scott from The Office “awkward”, but less of a dick. But it works, especially when Jason Segel is around. For most of the movie I was more or less smiling and chuckling to myself, but there were at least two belly-laughs in there, so that’s enough to get my stamp of approval.
Jason Segel is a funny bastard, Paul Rudd’s a charmer to boot, and the whole supporting cast is generally pretty funny too. Jon Favreau (Swingers) plays a bit role and he is a goddamn riot. He’s the reason this movie went from 6 Bro Hugs to 7.
This movie isn’t breaking new ground or anything, but it’ll make you laugh. Isn’t that the whole point? No surprises, no big plot twists, just “let’s watch two funny guys be funny for two hours”. Nothing wrong with that.
I wish I had more to say about I Love You, Man, but I feel like this is one of those movies where you pretty much know what you’re getting into from the start. Just look at the poster. Speaks for itself, folks.
Watchmen (2009)
VERDICT:
5/10 Blue Schlongs
Maybe it was my high expectations after reading the book twice and loving it. Maybe it was the Harlem movie theater packed with crying infants and Soulja Boy ring tones. Maybe I should have known how this review was going to turn out before I even walked into the theater. But the cold hard truth is that I’ve had a good two months to mull this one over and I’m still bummed out about it.
In a nutshell, Watchmen is about a group of former-vigilante superheroes who try to uncover a murder plot after one of their superhero buddies is killed. There’s a thousand other things that go on, but whatever, not gonna waste my time getting into it because the movie didn’t either. There’s too much shit going on all at once and not enough time to do it all justice.
The movie is gratuitously violent to the point of laughter/idiocy; and not like Kill Bill gratuitous, which actually worked, but more like “Sin City-mixed-with-Bum Fights” gratuitous. Like unnecessarily brutal rape scenes in your movies? Watchmen‘s got you covered.
It’s got a really, really stupid sex scene in it too. I’m not kidding, it’s fuckin’ bad. Does anyone really listen to “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen during sex? Does that happen?
Needless to say, these are not good things.
On the other hand, the movie looks awful pretty. And if you like watching everything in slow motion, then you have hit the jackpot my friend. Great characters supported by good acting is the movie’s other saving grace.
Look, I really wanted to like this movie and I was really pumped to see it. Because, in theory, watching your favorite scenes from a book acted out on screen should be awesome. But man, it sucks when those scenes get butchered for reasons beyond my understanding.
I could keep going on about how Watchmen missed the mark, but it ultimately comes down to two things: 1. The overall tone of the movie is as subtle as getting punched in the face by a stranger. And, 2. It’s an action movie, and it’s not supposed to be an action movie. And it’s not even a good action movie at that. Go see Wanted instead.
So if you’ve read the book, you’ve probably already seen the movie by now anyway.
If you haven’t read the book, get ready for a brain aneurysm of confusion.
You know what, screw that. Just read the damn book. Don’t let the movie ruin it for you.
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