Watchmen (2009)

VERDICT:
5/10 Blue Schlongs

Maybe it was my high expectations after reading the book twice and loving it. Maybe it was the Harlem movie theater packed with crying infants and Soulja Boy ring tones. Maybe I should have known how this review was going to turn out before I even walked into the theater. But the cold hard truth is that I’ve had a good two months to mull this one over and I’m still bummed out about it.

In a nutshell, Watchmen is about a group of former-vigilante superheroes who try to uncover a murder plot after one of their superhero buddies is killed. There’s a thousand other things that go on, but whatever, not gonna waste my time getting into it because the movie didn’t either. There’s too much shit going on all at once and not enough time to do it all justice.

The movie is gratuitously violent to the point of laughter/idiocy; and not like Kill Bill gratuitous, which actually worked, but more like “Sin City-mixed-with-Bum Fights” gratuitous. Like unnecessarily brutal rape scenes in your movies? Watchmen‘s got you covered.

It’s got a really, really stupid sex scene in it too. I’m not kidding, it’s fuckin’ bad. Does anyone really listen to “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen during sex? Does that happen?

Needless to say, these are not good things.

On the other hand, the movie looks awful pretty. And if you like watching everything in slow motion, then you have hit the jackpot my friend. Great characters supported by good acting is the movie’s other saving grace.

Look, I really wanted to like this movie and I was really pumped to see it. Because, in theory, watching your favorite scenes from a book acted out on screen should be awesome. But man, it sucks when those scenes get butchered for reasons beyond my understanding.

I could keep going on about how Watchmen missed the mark, but it ultimately comes down to two things: 1. The overall tone of the movie is as subtle as getting punched in the face by a stranger. And, 2. It’s an action movie, and it’s not supposed to be an action movie. And it’s not even a good action movie at that. Go see Wanted instead.

So if you’ve read the book, you’ve probably already seen the movie by now anyway.

If you haven’t read the book, get ready for a brain aneurysm of confusion.

You know what, screw that. Just read the damn book. Don’t let the movie ruin it for you.