And the worst movie by M. Night Shamalamadingdong is…
THE HAPPENING!
I’ve been trying to refrain as of late from polls on a living director’s life work, but since I can’t see this guy’s career getting any worse than it already is, let alone someone actually entrusting him with their money, I think I’m doing the guy a favor.
Never saw this one, probably never will, but if I ever get around to doing a shitty movie marathon, that might very well change. All I know is that the wind is killing everyone. Sorry if that’s news, but you should probably thank me anyway.
The wind? Jesus Christ. Guy should have stopped while he was ahead.
RESULTS:
– The Last Airbender: 5 votes (didn’t see it, won’t see it)
– The Happening: 16 votes (didn’t see it, won’t see it)
– Lady in the Water: 6 votes (didn’t see it, won’t see it)
– The Village: 0 votes (would have been my vote)
– Signs: 2 votes (not bad)
– Unbreakable: 0 votes (actually really liked this one)
– The Sixth Sense: 1 vote (sounds like someone’s still mad about that restraining order from Haley Joel)
– Wide Awake: 1 vote (someone saw this?)
– Other: 1 vote for “It’s all been flaming hot crap the past decade, I can’t distinguish th” (too much hate, got cut off unfortunately).
Any predictions on what the hell his next “project” might be outside of living in a constant state of shame?
Despicable Me (2010)
VERDICT:
5/10 Daddy Warbucks
Well, folks, this one’s for the kiddies.
Despicable Me is about a supervillain named Gru who comes up with a plan to pull off the greatest crime of the century by stealing the moon. So he adopts three orphan girls to sneak inside the lab of an up-and-coming supervillain named Vector, steal his shrink ray and beat him to the punch before he winds up broke as a joke. Only problem is that Gru never expected these three little’uns to warm his cold, dead heart the way they do and he eventually has to decide what’s more important to him – being evil or being loved.
Awwwwww.
For the most part, I’m totally on board with animated movies these days. Pixar is arguably at the top of their game right now and continue to put out some of the best – if not the best – movies each year, and with How to Train Your Dragon landing itself on my Top Five of 2010 list for the time being, it’s nice to see Dreamworks following suit, too. The point is, the bar has been raised. Animated movies aren’t just for kids anymore, they’re some of the funniest, affecting and well-written ways to spend 12 bucks and two hours regardless of age or gender and they’re a hell of a lot better than most of the movies out there featuring real-life human beings.
Unfortunately, Despicable Me does not meet this standard.
Then again, I almost feel kinda bad railing on this movie because it’s not exactly aiming to please all the twenty-something, foul-mouthed movie critics in the house. On the other hand, fuck that noise. If Pixar and Dreamworks can make me laugh and cry just as hard as my seven-year-old brother, then why shouldn’t this movie?
But they must be doing something right because the producers here rangled up one hell of a cast of voice actors.
Steve Carell is good as Gru, Jason Segel is intolerable as Vector, an unrecognizable Russell Brand is great as Gru’s assisstant, Dr. Nefario, Will Arnett gets the most out of that “club sauce” voice of his as a Bank of Evil (formerly Lehman Brothers) loan officer, Mr. Perkins, Julie Andrews as Gru’s Mom, Kristen Wiig as the orphan queen, Miss Hattie, Miranda Cosgrove who’s actually really good as the oldest orphan, Margo, and then there’s bit roles from Jemaine Clement, Danny McBride and Mindy Kaling to top it all off.
Yes, that is an awesome cast, but the real bummer of it all is that in the long run, it doesn’t even matter. With the exception of one comment from Brand about the impracticality of inventing a fart gun, I didn’t laugh once during this movie. Sure, I smiled here and there, but it’s one of those weird situations where it’s at once trying way too hard and not really trying at all. Just so many on-the-nose gags where someone shoots a squid onto someone head and then the guy goes, “Someone shot a squid on my head!” and we’re all supposed to laugh but I just sit there silently thinking, “Any one of these second graders could have written that.” It’s just hard to laugh when you’ve heard it all before, I guess.
And then there’s the emotional aspect of the script, and that was a mess, too. You’d think Gru or Vector would be the ones with the most evil tendencies going for them, but for some reason they pale in comparison to some of the more minor characters. First there’s the woman who runs the orphanage who puts the girls in cardboard “Boxes of Shame” and makes a point to remind them, “You know you’re never going to be adopted, right?” Well, that’s subtle. And then there’s a theme park carnie who effing shoves it one of the orphan girl’s faces when she can’t win the game at his concession stand like she just called his mother a whore. Ugh, just aggravates me when movies beat me over the head with this kind of crap. And while it does get unbelievably weepy and lovey-dovey towards the end, it’s better to be on that end of the spectrum than the one this starts out on.
I don’t know, if I had seen this as part of my second grade birthday party instead of feeling like I had just crashed some kid’s second grade birthday party, I probably would have gone absolutely bananas overDespicable Me. But with the way things are now, I didn’t find a whole lot worth enjoying not being anywhere near the target audience. All the same, there were a lot of parents in the crowd who seemed to be laughing right along with the kids, and I don’t know if that’s just ’cause parents don’t get a whole lot of opportunities to go to the movies, but whatever, I seemed to be in the minority. It’s not very original, it’s not very funny either, but it’s got sweetness to spare and your kids’ friends will be talking for years about how it was “The Best Second Grade Birthday Party EVER!!!”
Oh, and even though I just saw it good old fashioned 2-D, I’m gonna go ahead and recommend you don’t waste your money on the hi-tech Roy Orbison shades this time around. Just more gimmicky crap that looks like it’s about to stab you in the eye or fool you into thinking you’re on a roller coaster. Just go to Six Flags and stare at the tip of a pencil for a while. Trust me, it’s a freakin’ rush.
Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005)
VERDICT
7/10 Change of Hearts
The best of the new trilogy even if that’s not saying a whole lot to begin with.
Revenge of the Sith takes place three years after the start of the Clone Wars with long-haired Anakin and scruffy Obi-Wan hunting down the leaders of the Separatist Army across the galaxy as Chancellor Palpatine plots to take over senate and reclaim galactic rule for the Sith with the help of a new padawan of his own.
When I first saw this back in ’05, sitting in a theater next to my friend who was dressed in a child’s Darth Vader costume, I thought this movie kicked all kinds of ass. I think I paid for admission another one or two times, all my friends followed suit and I’m pretty sure that at one point I made the regrettably idiotic statement of saying that it was “better than A New Hope and slightly worse than Empire.”
What can I say, you get to college, you think you’re hot shit for reasons unknown, so you say and do dumb crap that makes you feel shame when the time comes for you to pass along the fake ID. Live and learn, folks. Live and learn.
Anyway, watching it again five years later being the mature bastard that I am now, Episode III still stands as an improvement over George Lucas’ first two offerings, but once again, all the same problems are right there staring me in the face.
To his credit, it seems like all that hate mail finally got to Hayden Christensen and from the start it feels like he’s toned it down a bit as Anakin. Not as whiny, less of a hotshot even though his skills have vastly improved and he’s got a pretty badass mystery scar going on over his eye. Good start. But then the movie continues, Anakin starts to turn to the Dark Side, Christensen burns all the hate mail in a backyard bonfire and, whaddaya know, Anakin winds up being a total douche by the end ’cause Christensen can’t act for shit. God, listening to him belt out “I HATE-CHOO!” to Obi-Wan in that assclown voice of his while riggling around like the maimed freak he is made freakin’ skin crawl. Well, once a douche, always a douche, I guess.
Really wish that lava fire hadn’t gone out so fast.
And if that wasn’t enough, the same damn thing happens with Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine. For a while there, he was pretty damn good as Chancellor and he really brought that same sinister drawl that made him such an evil bastard in Jedi, but then he goes full-out Sith, he starts making the most laughable and bizarro facial expressions the second he pulls out his lightsaber and then he gets cornered by Mace and displays what might be the worst acting of the whole series. Embarrassingly bad performance and it is nothing short of flaming bullshit the way he nonchalantly offs those three Jedi when they’re trying place him under arrest. Just awful.
But on the other hand, Ewan McGregor is the bomb as Obi-Wan and does one hell of a job channeling Sir Alec Guinness throughout. It’s just nice to at least have one actor here who actually got better by the end of the trilogy instead of continually upping the suck, but after all, when does Ewan not kick ass? I rest my case.
And Yoda‘s pretty damn awesome, too. The way he walks into Palpatine’s chambers at the end and knocks out his guards with an effortless force push before they even knew what hit ’em, the brief scene where he chucks his lightsaber into a clone tooper’s chest, jumps on top of him, pulls it right back out and keeps on dicing, the double-decapitation backflip he pulls off when he’s about to be the next victim of “Order 66” – yeah, Yoda’s the man. Only problem is that he’s given some pretty annoying lines that don’t sound anywhere near as cool as they probably should thanks to his backwards grammar, but other than that, way to go, Yoda.
But let’s go back to the script, the one that still blows. Yeah, it’s still cool to see new places like Wookieville on Kashyyyk and Lavaland on Mustafar and it’s neat to see how everything connects between the trilogies, but it’s so hard to buy Anakin’s motivations for turning to the Dark Side because that love story between him and Padme is still absolutely horrendous. I don’t really know how Lucas could have fixed this problem since he essentially dug his own grave in Episode II in this regard, but since I could never buy their attraction from the get-go, it’s impossible for me to accept Anakin being so completely weak-willed, gullible and desperate over her survival as a result. And how about that ridiculous “She’s lost the will to live” excuse for killing off Padme during childbirth? What a hackjob plot device.
Like I said, new movie, same problems, but the whole “Order 66” sequence really was great. Man, talk about one of your all-time bummers. The Jedis really should have seen that coming once the clone army fell into their laps though.
And as for the epic, very well-choreographed final battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin, it’s probably the best of the series, even better than Episode I. But can anyone explain to me why Jedis can predict and deflect lightsabers strikes like it’s nobody’s business but have apparently never received training in avoiding kicks to the face? Sounds like an awfully flawed way to train if you ask me.
Alright, I’ve rambled enough.
In short, going through the new trilogy again has been an interesting, if somewhat depressing experience. There are just so many snafus to count over the course of three movies, from Jar-Jar’s existence to horrendous casting calls to really, really unfortunate scripts and what might be the worst romantic arc I’ve ever come across that when push comes to shove, it’s hard not to feel disappointed by Lucas.
More often than not, I try my best to review movies on their own accord rather than compare them to a director’s past efforts, but, folks, this isn’t the works of Uwe Boll we’re dealing with, this is effing Star Wars. The trilogy as a whole isn’t bad and it definitely has its moments in terms of bringing the story full-circle and expanding the SW universe, but in light of knowing the kind of quality product that Lucas could have given us and the sixteen years he had between Episode VI and Episode I to put together something even better makes it feel that much more half-assed and fucked up for a franchise with so many eager, devoted fans.
Yes, Episode III is my favorite of the new trilogy, but now that I’m not of the “Holy crap, it’s the last Star Wars movie!” mindset like I was back in the day, it’s a pretty disillusioning ride. But, hey, what’s done is done and I’d still rather have this than nothing at all. Still think we all deserved better, but all’s not lost and it’s nice to have some closure, I suppose.
Eden Lake (2008)
VERDICT:
7/10 Tire Fires
About as brutal as they come.
Eden Lake is about a British couple who head out to the countryside for a romantic weekend getaway and everything goes just peachy for all of five minutes until they start getting accosted by a gang of dickhead teens who eventually vandalize their car and leave them stranded in the woods for no real reason at all. So the lovely couple confront the daft punks, the meeting does not go very well, the shit immediately hits the fan and they soon find themselves fighting for their lives.
It’s the debut effort by one James Watkins, and I don’t think a whole lot of people saw it to begin with let alone know who the hell James Watkins is, but when it comes to horror movies, this evil bastard is hard to forget. It probably falls somewhere in the vacinity of Hostel mixed with Children of the Corn, only all the kids wear tracksuits, say the C-word a lot and probably watch Kids a lot.
See, this here isn’t a scary movie, this is a horror movie. It’s twisted, it’s effing vicious and what it lacks in scenes that pop out of nowhere and make you scream like a little bitch (or is that just me?), it goes all-out in the jaw-on-the-floor department. Watching adults torture adults can be bad enough, and adults torturing children is a whole ‘nother whacked out ball game, but children torturing adults/children torturing children can prove to be a pretty unsettling medium when you push the envelope to the point of tearing it right in half.
I can’t give away any of the specific scenes here that made my good buddy Fred have to re-evaluate me as a non-homicidal maniac after I suggested he sit down to watch it with me, because that wouldn’t make me much of a bloodhungry film critic worth turning to, but trust me, this stuff is Bonkers. In one aspect, it’s kinda hard to like this movie and even go so far as to award it a 7 given some of the deviant shit it brings to the table, but all its qualities that might trigger your gag reflex are also the ones that make it work as well as it does.
And therein lies the drawback to Eden Lake, that it’s almost too damn nuts for it’s own damn good.
If our protagonists were running from ghosts, goblins or leprechauns, whatever, it’s just a movie, but since it’s all human-on-human violence that’s continually upping the ante on itself, it feels a lot more realistic than I expected it to be. There is a point, actually a couple points, where I can imagine viewers turning this off and immediately booting up a Care Bears DVD in the hopes of balancing out what just destroyed any last trace of innocence lingering around in their souls, but for those of us with iron stomachs and a healthy confidence that England’s youth aren’t actually this warped, you might just see the appeal.
Our man gal is played by Kelly Reilly and considering the stuff she gets put through by Watkins over the course of 90 minutes, she ends up being pretty convincing as a borderline badass by the Third Act. Never seen her in anything before, but she’s A-okay.
And we’ve also got good ol’ Michael Fassbender as her fiancee-to-be, and even though he’s fine here, I’m turning into quite the Fassbender fan. That dude kicks ass.
But, folks, Eden Lake is no effing joke. It’s definitely not for everyone, but if you’re jonesing for some funked up shit, this is gonna whet your appetite like a Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t tend to have conversations about movies the way I did in the wake of witnessing this bloodbath, but they were short, sweet and I couldn’t help but feel like everyone hated me a little for introducing it to them even if they all liked it. So see it, be appalled by it, recommend it to your sicko friends and revel in the terror. That right there is the mark of good horror.
Whip It (2009)
VERDICT:
5/10 Broken Records
Wasn’t expecting much, didn’t get much back in return.
Whip It is about a meek girl from Bumfunk, Texas who spends her days getting walked all over at school, work and home as she enters one beauty pageant after another at the stern encouragement of her mother despite her complete lack of interest in the “sport”. Then one day she walks into the Southern version of Hot Topic, she spots a flyer for a local roller derby, she tries out for the team, makes the team and discovers a skill and passion for it that she never knew existed. She hides it from her parents since they totally wouldn’t approve, she meets a boy, and she hip checks chicks left and right while gaining a confidence of most epic proportions.
It’s the directorial debut by Drew Barrymore – which is neat, I guess – and while she ain’t half bad behind the camera, I can’t kick the feeling that I’ve seen this movie before…like, thirty times before.
With the exception of the whole roller derby thing, everything about this movie has already been done to the point of exhaustion. It’s Rudy, it’s Rocky, it’s The Karate Kid, it’s every coming-of-age-despite-the-odds movie you loved growing up and by the time you finish watching the trailer, you know exactly how it’s gonna play out. And the worst part about it? The roller derby stuff is actually kinda lame.
Yeah, it’s nice to see our girl Bliss go from pipsqueak to Babe Ruthless and I’m pretty sure the desired effect was for me to be able to dig the whole roller derby thing right alongside her, but all it did was remind me how boring and unentertaining the sport is to begin with. Double leg whips? Nope, not cool. Jumping over chicks on roller skates? Yup, I can do that. Girls with hemorrhaging nosebleeds? SO HOT.
While the concept of catfights on rollerskates definitely sounds like the coolest thing right behind naked catfights on rollerskates, it’s actually pretty tame and slow thanks to some lackluster choreography and poor buildup during the one thing that should set this movie apart. Then again, I don’t really know how you make something like roller derby look cool, maybe turn it into a life-and-death competition like in Rollerball, but something tells me that this ancient mystery may never be truly solved.
But the script isn’t exactly helping matters either.
The dialogue goes from painfully unspectacular to eye-rollingly corny, and while this here picture’s got girl power to spare, I think I would have cared a little more if the characters and the stuff they had to say wasn’t so blah. Although it does touch upon that universal desire to have our parents be proud of us even if it’s not what they had in mind or even if they don’t quite understand what the big deal is, and those parts are good. But since those scenes only roll around towards the last half hour, the pros don’t outweigh the cons. Just felt sloppy in a lot of ways, doesn’t have a very good sense of humor either.
The cast isn’t too bad though.
The great Ellen Page is fits the bill as Bliss even though she doesn’t have a whole lot to work with, Marcia Gay Harden is good as her mom, Maeby from Arrested Development is fine as her best friend, Pash, and Daniel Stern (the wet bandit himself) is arguably the best of the bunch as her dad. Most of the best scenes this movie has to offer all include him and it’s just one more example of how there isn’t enough Daniel Stern in the world anymore.
Look, Whip It does have a good message that I’m all about and it also has some decent performances to back it all up, but other than that, it’s just kinda…there. For a moment there towards the end when everything finally comes to a head (shocker), this was bordering on a 6, but since I’ve had it up to here with unoriginality in movies these days, a 5 is where it stays. Sorry to all you biker gals in the crowd, it just wasn’t my thing.
Please don’t kick my ass.
And the best Chris Farley movie is…
TOMMY BOY!
Well, that was easy.
Good voting, y’all. No more SNL polls for a while, I promise.
RESULTS:
– Tommy Boy: 17 votes
– Black Sheep: 1 vote
– Beverly Hills Ninja: 2 votes
– Billy Madison: 2 votes
– Almost Heroes: 1 vote
Chris, buddy, you are still missed. Totally would have seen Grown Ups if you were in it.
Escape from New York (1981)
VERDICT:
8/10 Dead Men Walking
Not quite on par with The Thing, but it is a Russenter collaboration, so therefore it kicks much, much ass.
Escape from New York takes place in the distant future of 1997 where the crime rate has quadrupled and the best idea we could come up with to get things back on track was to move all the damn yuppies out of Manhattan, sanction it off on all sides and then throw all the criminals in there to go apeshit for the rest of their days. But then some yuppie gets pissed, hijacks Air Force One, crashes the sucker into the Big Apple, the President survives, he gets held for ransom by Isaac Hayes and so the military rangles up a notorious decorated war vet/bank robber who was on his way in there anyway to rescue the Prez in 24 hours before everything pretty much goes to hell.
I think I’ve already said everything that needs to be mentioned about how deeply I long for the glory days of when John Carpenter and Kurt Russell used to be best buds and made badass movie after badass movie after badass movie, but if this is all news to you, trust me on this one, those two were glorious together. The one noteworthy thing about this entry in their relationship that I haven’t already gone off about in reviews past is that this is where it all started, back in good ol’ ’81, and oh what a year that was.
On the other hand, there’s some pros and cons to that nifty little factoid.
The main con is that Carpenter’s not exactly at the top of his game from a directorial standpoint with this one, which is kind of strange considering that The Thing came out just one year later and that was an effing horror masterpiece. The main drawback is that this isn’t exactly the prettiest, most professional-looking movie at times, and sometimes that works in its favor since Carpenter’s not exactly taking himself dead seriously to begin with, but it’s hard not to notice how slowly the first half-hour crawls by and how rough around the edges the whole package tends to be. Point is, John’s not at the top of his game just yet with this one even if some aspects are very much on-point.
But whatever, it’s all part of the experience and pretty much everything else is the shit.
Carpenter’s story is cool as hell, his characters are all cool as hell, and while it’s not exactly The Road Warrior or Children of Men, the whole post-apocalyptic vision of New York is pretty cool, too. The dialogue is pretty choice for the most part and it does start to get pretty intense once the clock starts tickin’, but for all the flaws you can pick out about this movie, they all more or less get rendered null and void when Isaac Hayes rolls down the street a Cadillac pimped out with chandeliers for headlights.
And then you’ve got Snake Plissken, and that kinda sums it all up in a nutshell.
No, it never hurts to have a killer supporting cast backed by the likes of Ernest Borgnine, Lee Van Cleef, Harry Dean Stanton, Donald Pleasence and Isaac Hayes as the A-#1 Duke of New York, but come on, folks, it’s Snake Plissken. In what is arguably the best role of his whole damn career, Kurt Russell brings the one-man-army, just-don’t-give-a-fuck, don’t-I-sound-like-Clint-Eastwood-with-an-eyepatch pain in the way only he can and if there’s any reason to see this movie, it’s probably him. Dude was the inspiration for Solid Snake, guys, and with the exception of John Rambo, that’s a pretty boss statement that I’ll never be making again.
Whatever, you get the point. Kurt was the man, we need him back in top form. As if making it onto the banner wasn’t enough.
Yeah, Escape from New York is kinda dated roughly thirty years down the road, it’s very ’80s and it’s still an unabashed B-movie for all intents and purposes where our heroes often find themselves getting awfully lucky in some tight situations, but hell, it’s a personal favorite and it might fall somewhere into the realm of guilty pleasure if it wasn’t so flat-out fuckin’ awesome. A truly outstanding way to spend two hours even if it wasn’t until later that things really started to gel for John and Kurt. If only Escape from L.A. was of the same caliber…
I think we need another Escape from Russenter if you ask me.
Happy Belated Independence Day!
So I realized a day too late that it’s a lot harder to get out of a hot tub than I thought, so no review today, but the crap will be up and running as usual tomorrow. And with that out of the way, enjoy your Mondays, folks!
Atta boy, Billy.
The Killer Inside Me (2010)
VERDICT:
7/10 He-Man Woman Haters
It’s a Southern Fried American Psycho that makes Patrick Bateman look like Atticus Finch.
The Killer Inside Me follows a 1950′s Deputy Sheriff in a small Texas town who’s played the role of upstanding do-gooder in the public eye for as long as anyone can remember, but thanks to a mean personal grudge against the local oil tycoon and a warped upbringing that’s developed into an insatiable appetite for rough sex, our good ol’ boy’s dark side starts creeping to the surface as the body count rises and no one but the victims know where to point the finger.
So I’m kinda torn about this movie right now. Managed to go into it blind without knowing a damn thing about what I was setting myself up for, and while I can’t help but love so much of what it has to offer, folks, this here is one sick puppy.
It’s the latest effort by director Michael Winterbottom, a guy whose work I’m terribly unfamiliar with outside of the awesome 24 Hour Party People, and while this movie is wildly different in every way from that one, boy, does he know what he’s doing. This here is film noir through and through, a dark, no-frills, straight-up sinister trip through one man’s psychosis that gets real bad real fast and only shows signs of improvement right before things get even worse. Right up my alley. And it looks great, I thought it flowed perfectly even though I can see how some folks might think it drags here and there, and Winterbottom makes for a swell compliment to Jim Thompson’s badass source material even if there are times where you just wish the camera would cut the hell away, but I’ll get to that in a minute.
Our said closet killer Deputy Sheriff Lou Ford is played by Casey Affleck, and even after liking him in Gone Baby Gone and hearing great things about him in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (what a terrible title), it wasn’t until now that I realized that he’s kinda the shit. He’s very unbecoming and he doesn’t look the part of a cold stone homicidal maniac, but that’s acually the whole point of why he works in the role and why he keeps dodging one bullet after another. Dude’s got nerves of steel and he gives one hell of a subtle, crazed performance to boot. Lou Ford is an endlessly twisted and strangely fascinating guy to watch and, truth be told, big brother Ben could afford to start taking notes.
Also features Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson in some pretty racy and surprisingly non-shitty roles as Ford’s main squeezes. Couldn’t believe it when they popped up on-screen and ended up being good because it’s sure been a long time comin’ for those two. More power to ‘em.
But here’s the thing about The Killer Inside Me, the thing that’s gonna be the dealbreaker for a lot of people who go to see this – it is totally, totally fucked up.
Nowadays, movie violence doesn’t do a whole lot to phase me and, more often than not, can usually be written off as shock value for the sake of shock value. No big deal, seen it all before. But then this movie comes along and leaves my jaw on the floor, utterly shocked and appalled at some of the most vicious displays of mysoginistic brutality that I nearly checked my ticket to make sure I hadn’t just walked into a snuff film. I’m sure that it was doubly surprising not knowing that this was waiting for me ahead of time, but even if you’ve read the source material or have already heard all about it from your friend who works at the indie theater downtown, there’s really nothing you can hear or think up to prepare yourself for what could easily pass as torture porn.
And that’s why I’m torn about this movie. It’s easy to give it a 7 because it’s so well-made, it’s so unabashedly morose and the acting is just fantastic, but those select few scenes where the killer comes out are some of the most offensive and borderline nauseating displays of violence against women that have ever been put to screen. Really hard to justify their presence outside of how they bring certain characters’ true colors to the surface, but if this little tirade has been enough to put you off from seeing it, just keep on movin’, the positives will not outweight the negatives for ya’ on this one.
With that being said, The Killer Inside Me definitely isn’t for everyone and it might not be for all the pulp novel and Chinatown junkies it’s aimed at either, but for all its faults, I couldn’t help but really like everything else. Don’t get me wrong, parts of it are nearly impossible to condone if it weren’t for the sake of character development- and even that’s pushing it – but this isn’t a movie you’re likely to forget whether you hate it, love it or just wish you’d never seen it in the first place. Very good writing, very good directing and very good acting, just a totally wacko source material that is followed a bit too religiously at times.
Oh, and there’s a Bill Pullman cameo. Can’t forget that.
Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002)
VERDICT:
6/10 Pity Parties
Hayden Christensen, this is why people hate you. George Lucas, thanks for not listening to your kids this time.
Attack of the Clones takes place ten years down the road from Episode I, Anakin – now a full-fledged, hotshot Jedi padawan under Obi-Wan’s tutelage – is tasked with protecting Queen Amidala (or Padme, as Ani likes to call her while rubbing her soft, smooth back, that dog) after a failed assassination attempt while the Galactic Republic and Jedi council try to prevent an all-out war from a separatist movement with the help of a clone army.
So, after getting all my Jake Lloyd and Jar-Jar hate out of the way and being nothing short of shocked at how generally abysmal Episode I was, I was pretty skeptical going into Episode II again even though I was pretty sure it couldn’t get any worse. Was expecting to come out of it with something along the lines of a 3 or a 4 ready to go, but to my surprise, this one actually kinda feels like a Star Wars movie. Granted, a lot of the same problems that screwed the pooch in Episode I are still awfully apparent here, but the fact that this isn’t a movie crafted for all the Dora and Spongebob fans in the crowd sure does go a long way.
The most prominent example of this overhaul being Jar-Jar’s comfortable new spot on the backburner. Not quite sure why he doesn’t just get a blaster to the brain – because I’m pretty sure that would have garnered this movie a 10 – but now that he’s not at the forefront of things, it’s a little easier to forget how shitty Lucas’ sense of humor has become. Amazing how much of a difference that one little change makes, even if it’s still totally absurd that he’s now Padme’s senatorial representative.
But like I said, there are still two issues that hold Episode II back in a big ol’ way.
The first snafu was casting Hayden Christensen as Anakin. Everyone warned me that he was worse than Jake Lloyd, and everyone was absolutely right. It’s one thing to suck at acting when you’re ten, it’s another thing to be 19 and still suck harder than the fourth-grader you nabbed the part from. God, Christensen is just such a whiny bitch and it’s twice as bad since this is the kid who’s supposed to become Darth Vader, the ultimate ruthless badass of the Star Wars universe. Honestly, no one would give a shit about Vader to begin with if all his dialogue in the original trilogy fell along the lines of:
“I hate Obi-Wan! Why won’t he let me do the Jedi trials!”
“I miss my mommy. I think I’m gonna cry again.”
“I hate sand! It gets everywhere!”
“Mommy, don’t die!”
“I’ll show that Obi-Wan! Someday I’m gonna be the most powerful Jedi ever!”
“MOMMYYYYY!”
“Fuck your well thought-out plan of attack, Obi-Wan! I’m gonna kick Dooku’s ass by myself, leave you out to dry and announce my attack as I run over to him. He’ll never see it coming! Okay, here I go…GYAAAAHHHHHDAMMIIIIT!!!!! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT FORCE LIGHTNING!“
Worst. Padawan. Ever.
Such terrible, terrible acting that’s beyond forced the whole damn time, I have no idea why they kept him around and I don’t think I’ve seen an individual bitch and moan this much since Greenberg. If Anakin were anywhere near as cool as he was in the Star Wars: Clone Wars animated micro series from Cartoon Network that came out a couple years after the fact, this complaint would be null and void. Man, Lucas could have taken a lot of pointers from that series.
The other big hiccup is Lucas’ shitty script. Just like with Episode I, it’s very cool to see the whole story unfold in regards to the intergalactic politics leading up to the Clone Wars and knowing how it all eventually plays out in the original trilogy, it’s awesome to see the Star Wars universe expanded from a visual standpoint and it’s good to see that things are much more Anakin-focused now. But also like Episode I, the dialogue, humor and character development are still crap.
I mean, honestly, what the hell was with Padme and Anakin’s relationship? Why is it that she falls for him further after he drops it on her that he single-handedly massacred an entire population of Tusken Raiders? That’s like those crazy chicks who sent marriage proposals to Jeffrey Dahmer after he got locked up for turning hobos into makeshift zombies. What in the hell does she see in this guy that would eventually lead her to marry him?
Ridiculous.
And I don’t know if we were just supposed to forget about little Ani or what, but why the fuck does Anakin look just as old as Padme now? Damn, puberty must hit those Tattooine folk like a bastard.
Also, forgot to mention itin the Episode I review, but aren’t those battle droids the most pathetic things you’ve ever seen? They’re terrible shots, they look dumb as hell, they’re voices suck and unless the odds are 200 – 1, they’re pretty much fish in a barrel. Hard to believe that those were the best designs that Lucas and his creative gaggle of apes could come up with.
But the one aspect where Episode I has the upper-hand is the action. For the most part, the action here is pretty meh and while the CG quality has been improved a smidge, it definitely doesn’t hold up to the pod racing or Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan/Darth Maul fight scenes. The opening chase through Coruscant felt like Lucas had been taking notes like gangbusters during The Fifth Element, the only thing relatively cool about the final showdown was Yoda and his mini-flips against Dooku’s limp-dick lightsaber, and am I the only one who thought that the fight in the dark between Anakin and Dooku just looked like two guys stuck in rave party? What was that about?
Then again, the chase through the astroid field with Obi-Wan and Jango Fett was great (also glad that the Fetts play such a significant role in this since Boba only had so much going for him in the original trilogy despite how effing boss he was).
But as much as I can shit on Episode II, it’s still a big step forward from Episode I. The overall tone is a lot darker and a lot more serious, Obi-Wan‘s getting to be the shit even though Anakin is clearly not heading down that road, it’s cool to see how the Clone Wars started both on and off the battlefield and, again, it’s a movie that can be appreciated by nerds young and old. Yeah, it’s still the second-worst in the series, but I’m pleasantly surprised by how much better it was than I remember it being. Extra screen time for Yoda and Mace always helps, too.
All the same, I really can’t believe how big of a pussy that Anakin is.
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 
