Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005)

VERDICT
7/10 Change of Hearts

The best of the new trilogy even if that’s not saying a whole lot to begin with.

Revenge of the Sith takes place three years after the start of the Clone Wars with long-haired Anakin and scruffy Obi-Wan hunting down the leaders of the Separatist Army across the galaxy as Chancellor Palpatine plots to take over senate and reclaim galactic rule for the Sith with the help of a new padawan of his own.

When I first saw this back in ’05, sitting in a theater next to my friend who was dressed in a child’s Darth Vader costume, I thought this movie kicked all kinds of ass. I think I paid for admission another one or two times, all my friends followed suit and I’m pretty sure that at one point I made the regrettably idiotic statement of saying that it was “better than A New Hope and slightly worse than Empire.”

What can I say, you get to college, you think you’re hot shit for reasons unknown, so you say and do dumb crap that makes you feel shame when the time comes for you to pass along the fake ID. Live and learn, folks. Live and learn.

Anyway, watching it again five years later being the mature bastard that I am now, Episode III still stands as an improvement over George Lucas’ first two offerings, but once again, all the same problems are right there staring me in the face.

To his credit, it seems like all that hate mail finally got to Hayden Christensen and from the start it feels like he’s toned it down a bit as Anakin. Not as whiny, less of a hotshot even though his skills have vastly improved and he’s got a pretty badass mystery scar going on over his eye. Good start. But then the movie continues, Anakin starts to turn to the Dark Side, Christensen burns all the hate mail in a backyard bonfire and, whaddaya know, Anakin winds up being a total douche by the end ’cause Christensen can’t act for shit. God, listening to him belt out “I HATE-CHOO!” to Obi-Wan in that assclown voice of his while riggling around like the maimed freak he is made freakin’ skin crawl. Well, once a douche, always a douche, I guess.

Really wish that lava fire hadn’t gone out so fast.

And if that wasn’t enough, the same damn thing happens with Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine. For a while there, he was pretty damn good as Chancellor and he really brought that same sinister drawl that made him such an evil bastard in Jedi, but then he goes full-out Sith, he starts making the most laughable and bizarro facial expressions the second he pulls out his lightsaber and then he gets cornered by Mace and displays what might be the worst acting of the whole series. Embarrassingly bad performance and it is nothing short of flaming bullshit the way he nonchalantly offs those three Jedi when they’re trying place him under arrest. Just awful.

But on the other hand, Ewan McGregor is the bomb as Obi-Wan and does one hell of a job channeling Sir Alec Guinness throughout. It’s just nice to at least have one actor here who actually got better by the end of the trilogy instead of continually upping the suck, but after all, when does Ewan not kick ass? I rest my case.

And Yoda‘s pretty damn awesome, too. The way he walks into Palpatine’s chambers at the end and knocks out his guards with an effortless force push before they even knew what hit ’em, the brief scene where he chucks his lightsaber into a clone tooper’s chest, jumps on top of him, pulls it right back out and keeps on dicing, the double-decapitation backflip he pulls off when he’s about to be the next victim of “Order 66” – yeah, Yoda’s the man. Only problem is that he’s given some pretty annoying lines that don’t sound anywhere near as cool as they probably should thanks to his backwards grammar, but other than that, way to go, Yoda.

But let’s go back to the script, the one that still blows. Yeah, it’s still cool to see new places like Wookieville on Kashyyyk and Lavaland on Mustafar and it’s neat to see how everything connects between the trilogies, but it’s so hard to buy Anakin’s motivations for turning to the Dark Side because that love story between him and Padme is still absolutely horrendous. I don’t really know how Lucas could have fixed this problem since he essentially dug his own grave in Episode II in this regard, but since I could never buy their attraction from the get-go, it’s impossible for me to accept Anakin being so completely weak-willed, gullible and desperate over her survival as a result. And how about that ridiculous “She’s lost the will to live” excuse for killing off Padme during childbirth? What a hackjob plot device.

Like I said, new movie, same problems, but the whole “Order 66” sequence really was great. Man, talk about one of your all-time bummers. The Jedis really should have seen that coming once the clone army fell into their laps though.

And as for the epic, very well-choreographed final battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin, it’s probably the best of the series, even better than Episode I. But can anyone explain to me why Jedis can predict and deflect lightsabers strikes like it’s nobody’s business but have apparently never received training in avoiding kicks to the face? Sounds like an awfully flawed way to train if you ask me.

Alright, I’ve rambled enough.

In short, going through the new trilogy again has been an interesting, if somewhat depressing experience. There are just so many snafus to count over the course of three movies, from Jar-Jar’s existence to horrendous casting calls to really, really unfortunate scripts and what might be the worst romantic arc I’ve ever come across that when push comes to shove, it’s hard not to feel disappointed by Lucas.

More often than not, I try my best to review movies on their own accord rather than compare them to a director’s past efforts, but, folks, this isn’t the works of Uwe Boll we’re dealing with, this is effing Star Wars. The trilogy as a whole isn’t bad and it definitely has its moments in terms of bringing the story full-circle and expanding the SW universe, but in light of knowing the kind of quality product that Lucas could have given us and the sixteen years he had between Episode VI and Episode I to put together something even better makes it feel that much more half-assed and fucked up for a franchise with so many eager, devoted fans.

Yes, Episode III is my favorite of the new trilogy, but now that I’m not of the “Holy crap, it’s the last Star Wars movie!” mindset like I was back in the day, it’s a pretty disillusioning ride. But, hey, what’s done is done and I’d still rather have this than nothing at all. Still think we all deserved better, but all’s not lost and it’s nice to have some closure, I suppose.