Wait until tomorrow…
So after experiencing an epic weekend the likes of which few ever live to tell about, I’m giving myself one more day to relax, recover and carefully plan out how the hell I’m gonna describe going to a midnight screening of The Room. So apologies for the delay, but the crap will be up and running again in no time. Have a kickass Monday!
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)
VERDICT:
10/10 Geekouts
Probably helps if you’ve been playing Zelda all your life, but either way, this is without a doubt one of the best damn things that’s happened to 2010 so far. That federal bailout stuff doesn’t even come close.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is about a 23-year-old bass player in a garage band who starts going out with a 17-year-old after being dumped my his long-time girlfriend who ended up being a stone cold bitch. Then one day he has a dream about a girl with pink hair and rollerblades, then he actually sees her in the library, then he puts the moves on her with the old “Do you know the history of Pac-Man?” line, somehow it kind of works, then they start going steady and all is right in the world. So, things are going swell, but then everyone’s favorite Canadian bassist finds out the hard way that in order to date the girl of his dreams, he first has to destroy her seven evil exes who are hell-bent on controlling her love life by any means necessary.
Quite the bummer, but he man’s up to the challenge like the love fool he is.
Now, I’ve never read the graphic novels this movie is based off of, but with my birthday coming up in October, they just made the cut in a big way along with The Ultimate Clint Eastwood Collection (one of the many perks of having your parents read your reviews). With that being said, I didn’t really know what to expect going into this, but the second I heard that Edgar Wright was attached to direct, I was on board, I was excited, I’m pretty sure I shit my pants and didn’t even care.
Folks, this is the guy behind Shaun of the Dead, the movie that reinvented the wheel and more or less deemed all horror comedies made from that point on to suck royally in comparison to its greatness. This is also the guy behind Hot Fuzz which also reinvented the wheel, that finally brought something new to buddy cop genre and helped us to hate the prospect of Rush Hour 4 that much more than we already did. Point is, Wright’s a natural born Earth-shaker, a guy who knows how to work a camera like it was fused into his umbilical cord and I don’t care if he never gets around to making a drama ’cause he’s one of the few great directors out there who refuses to settle for all the crap that’s already been done. We should be kissing his Keds for providing us with this much-needed service.
Not surprisingly, everything he’s always done better than everyone else is more or less brought to a point of near-perfection with Scott Pilgrim. In terms of pacing, this baby MOVES. I was highly doubtful that Wright would manage to fit seven boss battles into the span of a reasonable time constraint without leaving room for a sequel, but he does it like a pro and it’ll make you wonder why the rest of these directors have been taking so much damn time going from one scene to the next all these years. And the action scenes are freakin’ unreal, some of the coolest and freshest throwdowns I’ve seen in ages that flat-out pimp slaps anything that king hack Michael Bay has ever had to offer.
But the wonderful thing about this movie that literally had me smiling and laughing for two hours straight is that it’s not exactly grounded in reality and it takes so much pleasure in breaking down that fourth wall like it was never even there. It’s like watching a live-action comic book where finishing blows are accompanied by a giant on-screen “K.O.” and the sound of someone reaching an epiphany is the same ditty Link finds when he opens a treasure chest. It’s like discovering raw awesome in its purest, most undiscovered form. Yet so much of why it all works is because the writing is so endlessly sharp, witty, and original. The dialogue, the characters, the scenarios, the story – absolutely amazing, just wild stuff that’s non-stop fun.
And Michael Cera has earned himself a big ol’ shout-out for his turn as Scott Pilgrim because he has finally shed George-Michael and blossomed into a total badass who looks more natural wielding a flaming sword than anyone could have possibly imagined. He’s still the nice guy we all know, he still has a couple moments that made me think back to Superbad, but this is a huge step in the right direction for the kid and I’m happy to report that my typecasting worries have been put to rest. Absolutely perfect casting choice to convey the rampant dry humor of the script.
But everyone else is great, too.
Mary Elizabeth Winstead is awesome as Romana Flowers, the girl with absolute worst dating record I’ve ever seen. Kieran Culkin of all people is a rip as Scott’s gay roommate, Wallace. Newcomer Ellen Wong is a peach as Scott’s obsessive High School squeeze, Knives Chau. Crawling out from the rock he’s been hiding under since taking on the mantle of Clark Kent, Brandon Routh is great as one of Ramona’s evil exes with the absolute best powers of the mighty seven, and the same goes for Jason Schwartzman as Gideon, the M. Bison of the evil exes. Also features two kickass Arrested Development cameos from Ann (her?) and Homeless Dad (who still just wants his kids back) in roles that I’d rather keep secret for the time being.
And those are just the ones that are coming to mind, think I left out a good half-dozen others who all rock as hard. Just perfect casting all around. A thing of beauty, I tell ya’.
All the same, I admit it, I don’t expect everyone to walk out of this and have the same uber-ecstatic reaction that I did, but have you ever seen a movie that feels like it was made just for you? It’s as though Edgar Wright and co-writer Michael Bacall read through the graphic novels, agreed that they were most excellent, sat down at a table with pens in hand and said (in unison, of course), “Let’s come up with as many references, gags and general nerd-power tributes that Aiden is going to flip his God damn lid over.” From obscure Akira references to knowing exactly what hell a Bob-omb is without even having to think about it; from the way all the evil exes turn into coins after being defeated to the way the whole damn experience is hands-down the best thing that’s happened to video games and movies since Tron. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is simply a movie after my own heart.
But lucky for everyone who has no idea what the hell I’m talking about, it’s not an experience reserved for all of us who still consider that Sega Genesis the best Christmas present we ever got. Point in case, I happened to see this with my good buddy Fred who’s favorite Christmas present of all-time was an American Girl Doll and who didn’t pick up on any of these anime/Nintendo/Street Fighter cues – although he is a pretty mean Mario Karter and can shred on Guitar Hero like you wouldn’t believe – and he ended up being crazy about it, too. So everybody wins! YAY!
Man, I’m just in love with this movie. If Pee-Wee Herman told me to marry it, I probably would and then we’d have ten freak children that we’d love to pieces. So get excited, gang, this is the movie of the Summer, maybe of the year.
Gotta get this soundtrack, too. Epic tunes.
Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
VERDICT:
10/10 Parent Traps
Yup, it’s the best of the bunch.
The Empire Strikes Back picks up with Darth and his endless supply of incompetent Admirals combing the galaxy for Luke Skywalker and his Rebel Alliance buddies after some wizard architect thought the Death Star just had to have an exhaust port (I imagine the boss was pretty pissed about giving that one the go-ahead). Soon enough, Vader smokes ’em out of their ice cave, so Han, Leia, Chewie and the droids get the eff outta’ there and look for a place to lay low while Luke peaces out to go train with a Jedi Master on a glorified swamp.
Alright, after recently revisiting A New Hope (or Star Wars for all you fogies out there) and immediately remembering how phenomenal it’s always been, I gotta say, I was a bit skeptical about how this one would measure up. I’ve always said Empire was the best of the series, and while it’s not quite the mindblowing spectacle of sorts that the trilogy started out with, turns out I was right all along.
The thing is, A New Hope is the best introduction to this far, far away galaxy that anyone could have possibly asked for and if you’re gonna start anywhere with these movies, that’s the place. On the other hand, it’s an introduction that’s first and foremost about the Rebel movement and secondly about the memorable characters. What Empire does is turn that formula on its head and makes it all about the characters, The Force, and the sad truth that smoking the Death Star wasn’t exactly the crushing blow we all thought it was.
Folks, this is when shit gets real, and by the time it all wraps up, things aren’t exactly turning up Rebels. Luke is half-machine after finding out the hard way that his family sucks way harder than he could have ever imagined, he still hasn’t finished his training, Han’s getting shipped off to IKEA which means that Leia and Chewie are all heartbroken, in a nutshell, the Empire is running train.
But like I said, this one’s about the characters.
The first thing worth mentioning is how awesome it is to have Han at the forefront this time around. During that opening scene where Luke’s getting a facelift from a Wampa, I couldn’t help but wonder why Han wasn’t the one heading things up in this trilogy. Nothing against Luke, but what’s not to love about Han? What a wiseass, what a badass, he’s cooler than cool, he’s ice cold, and whenever he’s not on-screen, you really wish he was.
And in comparison to the atrocity that was Anakin and Padme’s “romance” in the new trilogy, the dynamic between Han and Leia is just awesome. The whole cat-and-mouse thing is endlessly entertaining from the moment she says, “I’d just as soon kiss a Wookie,” and he yells back, “I could arrange that. You could use a good kiss!” And by the time she finally wises up to the fact that she actually is crazy for him, he drops the two impossibly irresistable words that would make any woman in her position melt like butter for this scruffy-lookin’ scoundrel.
Leia: “I love you.”
Han: “I know.”
Dude, what a freakin’ stud. That’s why we love Han.
But the big addition to the old gang here is Yoda, and make no mistake, Yoda is THE MAN. I am just crazy about his whole ridiculous intro where he’s rooting through Luke’s supplies and slapping around R2 with his cane because you can’t help but treat him as a joke. It’s one of those moments where you go, “Well, Lucas is officially losing it,” but then you realize that this Gremlins reject is actually the Jedi Master that Luke’s been looking for, the tone of the situation does a complete 180 and you revel in the epic wisdom and power of this half-pint who can lift X-Wings with his mind like it’s no big thing. And then he puts on his serious voice and starts laying down the law:
Luke: “Alright, I’ll give it a try.”
Yoda: “No. Try not. Do…or do not. There is no try.”
Luke: “I don’t, I don’t believe it.”
The Yodester: “That is why you fail.”
Luke: “I won’t fail you. I’m not afraid.”
El Yoderino: “You will be. You…will…be.”
Good lord, I really have no idea how Yoda lost that “Best Jedi” poll to Qui-Gon. Dude never dropped that kind of knowledge on Obi-Wan.
But the one thing that still throws me for a loop and must have made everyone flat-out mess themselves when they first saw this in theaters goes right back to Luke and Darth. Strangely enough, I really can’t bring myself to talk specifically about the said bomb-dropper for fear of any well-read toddlers who might stumble across this highly innappropriate blog that their parents surely wouldn’t approve of, but I don’t think I’m over-stepping any bounds when I say that it may very well be the biggest shocker in movie history. Lucas really deserves a high-five or something for doing such a kickass job of misleading the hell out of his audience so that they wouldn’t see it coming by a long shot and no wonder why it’s become such a iconic moment in movie history. Well played, good sir.
Also really dug their lightsaber duel in Cloud City. It wasn’t until now that I realized what’s so great about the fights in this trilogy: they actually look like Jedi Knights instead of Jedi Parkour Acrobats. Less flipping, less choreography, just serious guys duking it out and you can really feel the power and rage that goes along with it. Yes, Luke did look ridiculous swatting at all the debris that Vader was throwing his way, but other than that, pretty solid stuff that seemed to be abandoned entirely in the new trilogy.
And as much as I’d like to agree that Luke is kind of a whiny bitch here, I gotta say, I feel for the kid. I mean, damn, I’d be anxious, too. Probably wouldn’t pull the whole “You ask the impossible,” shtick on my teacher and mope off into the woods, but if my friends’ lives were in danger, if I was being hunted by the Empire like Dog the Bounty Hunter was behind the wheel, if the fate of the galaxy was resting on my shoulders and I could barely use The Force to stack rocks, hell yeah I’d be frustrated. I don’t know, I think we could afford to cut him a break. At least he’s not crying about sand and shit like Anakin.
And how about Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian, the biggest space pimp around? Man, I’d buy whatever that guy was selling. I’d ditch Han and let him woo my ass ’til kingdom come without thinking twice. Something about that mustache/cape combo…truly pimptacular.
So even though watching The Empire Strikes Back again didn’t quite have the same magically nostalgic effect on me that re-visiting A New Hope did, this is still very much one of the all-time great sequels and it was the perfect direction to take the story and characters in. Just one more glowing and terribly bittersweet example of the kind of quality that Lucas was capable of.
Now can anyone enlighten me on the symbolism behind everyone getting their arms lopped off?
A Boy and His Dog (1975)
VERDICT:
9/10 Man’s Best Friends
Why didn’t anyone ever tell me how good this was? Jesus, what the hell else have I been missing out on all these years?
A Boy and His Dog takes place in the distant future of 2024 where modern civilization’s been wiped clear out by the five-day nuclear orgy that was World War IV. Wandering around the said wasteland are an uneducated, reckless teenager and his telepathic mutt who are searching high and low for the only two things that they and everyone else seem to give half a shit about any more: food and tail. But since one isn’t exactly at their sharpest while hungry and horny, this unlikely team soon find themselves caught up in a well-planned scheme aimed to divide them and foster a new breed of “society”.
Man, the last time I saw a dark comedy set around the apocalypse like this was probably Dr. Strangelove and I don’t get why more film makers aren’t getting the humor. Sure, everyone you know is probably either dead or dying, you’ve adopted a newfound love for the taste of Alpo and Twinkies and the only hope for continuing the human race lies with you and that girl in the corner who may or may not have a foot growing out of her head. But, hey, things could be worse. At least you’ve got a gun.
I don’t know, after getting so used to dystopias where everyone’s all sad and angry about it being the End of Days – not to say that I’m gonna stop loving those stories any time soon – it’s a nice change of pace to find a movie that revels in the despair for once. I mean, isn’t this premise just ripe with material that has yet to be tapped? Geez, Kurt Vonnegut made a career out of this observation, and since he’s the freakin’ man, I don’t see why everyone had to get so serious.
The script is based off a novella by one Harlan Ellison, and I don’t know how many of you folks are familiar with the guy, but after recently discovering one his more noteworthy pieces, “I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream”, I gotta say, that Harlan sure is a grim and interesting fella’. If the synopsis up there didn’t already give it away, the dude doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of faith in humanity and ain’t exactly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (which is understandable) and as a result his writing feels more like it came from the mind of Philip K. Dick’s evil twin than anything else. But since it never hurts to have a certain sense of humor towards the de-evolution of mankind, it’s all good and writer/director L.Q. Jones does a bang-up job of bringing that to the forefront of things.
All the same, this wonderfully warped script wouldn’t be measure up to a whole lot without the help of an outrageously young Don Johnson as our boy, Vic, and his dog, Blood – the smartest, most sarcastic mongrel I’ve ever heard (and I’ve heard a lot of ’em). Yeah, the idea of a kid who telepathically communicates with his dog might turn as many people away as it attracts, but the dynamic between these two works so well not only because they borderline hate each other and incessantly rag one another for being a dumbass teen or a mangy fleabag, but becuase they’d be pissing up a rope if they were going it alone. But the crazy thing about it is that even though Vic is a fantastic, dim-witted anti-hero to drive the story along, Blood is arguably the best thing this movie has going for it.
He’s got all the best lines, he’s the best character by a long shot and Tim McIntire provides him with an absolutely perfect voice to convey all his asshole commentary. More often than not, anything involving talking animals can go to hell, but since Blood thinks and talks more like a human then Vic does, once again, it’s all good. So suck on that, G-Force.
A Boy and His Dog isn’t your typical apocalypse, and it might lean a little too much on the “morally fucked up” side of things for me to recommend it in the way I could Children of Men or something, but the refreshingly awesome contrast between happy-go-lucky (if you can even call it that) and impending doom is too damn hard to resist. There’s no tree-hugging message behind it all, no quest for hope, no good guys or bad guys, it’s just two “buddies” on a road trip making the best out of shitty situation in a strangely believable world where getting laid by any means necessary is just as important as survival. It’s ridiculous, it’s insane and while it might not be a visual feast by any means, I can’t remember the last time I came across such a well-written upper/downer of a script with such great characters and humor that made me want to watch it all over again as soon as it ended.
And for anyone out there who’s actually seen this, how about that last scene, huh? Freakin’ NUTSO!
I Am Love (2010)
VERDICT:
6/10 Simple Pleasures
While it totally jumps the shark like you wouldn’t believe, there is a certain greatness here driving things along.
Among other family dramas, I Am Love is about the wife of a high society businessman in Milan who jeopardizes her lush life and family structure as she starts to drift from her stagnant marriage and falls for her son’s associate, a humble and gifted chef who’s roughly half her age.
Can’t say I’ve ever seen anything by writer/director Luca Guadagnino before, but this is one of those bittersweet situations where all the praise for everything that shines and all the hate for everything that fails can more or less be directed to him and him alone. As a director, he’s very much in charge, as a writer, he’s a bit rough around the edges, but whatever, let’s just get on down to the nitty gritty and go from there.
For the first hour or so, this movie was sitting pretty at an 8 and didn’t show any signs of dropping. Guadagnino’s most prevalent strength right from the outset are his gorgeous visuals coupled with an orchestral score that seem to be made for one another. It’s like watching someone paint with film and his celebration of Italy from the classic mansions to the sprawling countryside do a native justice to how beautiful it actually is. In this regard, I’ve got nothing to complain about and it stays that way from start to finish. Good job, Luca.
Unfortunately, pretty sights and easy listening only go so far.
See, Guadagnino’s script is an anomaly of sorts. It’s very quiet, it lets the action do the talking more often than not and you really gotta dig deep to get to the heart of what’s going on with everyone in this outwardly material family. And I liked that, I dig movies that make me pay attention and work for it instead of beating me over the head to make sure I didn’t miss it the first time around, but then the third Act rolls around and it takes a cheap, idioitic and inexplicable turn for the melodramatic and, surprisingly enough, makes no attempt to recover in the remaining half-hour.
Honestly, I about laughed out loud when this said scene went down and just as all the credible emotional weight of the story swirls down the lou, so does any semblance of a connection I had with these characters. From that point, this was like watching a perfume commercial as the family stops being realistic and starts being actors. It’s just obscure and arty fartsy to a fault and I was disappointed to find myself thinking nothing but “Well, that wasn’t worth twelve bucks,” during the final minutes instead of feeling like my foundation had just been shaken the hell up.
But lucky for Guadagnino, Tilda Swinton does go all out and bares every last inch as Emma Recchi, our cheeky mother with a weak spot for men in aprons. Her performance only gets better with time, but the bummer of the matter is that Emma has the same problems going for her that the script as a whole does. There’s just not enough of a contrast from her mentality when we first meet her to make her ultimate “development” as a character feel genuine, instead, it just feels…weird. Her acting doesn’t quite salvage the faults, but it does make me want to finally give Michael Clayton a shot because she sure has some chops, even if she does look like she’s scared shitless almost all the time.
I really thought I was going to like I Am Love, the trailers had this A Single Man vibe going for ’em that drew me in immediately, I’m always searching for that next great subtle movie about real people with real problems, and even though Guadagnino nails it on the visuals and the mood, that last Act really was a fucking disaster. Not a bad movie, there’s just a lot going on all at once, a lot of which doesn’t get the focus it deserves in light of how it relates back to Emma’s storyline, and even though it’s pretty unfocused, there are some fantastic gems that make the trip worthwhile.
On that note, there really is something wonderful about Swinton’s character and how she allows herself to get swept off her feet by life in its most innate, indulgent and everyday forms, and even though I was a tad harsh on the ending, the first two Acts are something to admire. I don’t know, this movie is an experience on many levels and even though I might not have “gotten it” on my first viewing, I’m open to giving it another shot in like twenty years or so when I’ve hit rock bottom during my inevitable mid-life crisis. Here’s to hoping it’ll finally click.
Good times.
And the best Lord of the Rings entry is…
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING!
Oh, that makes me happy.
Right there with ya’, folks. Think I saw this three times in theaters back in the day and loved it every time. God, I miss not having any responsibilities and more time than I knew what to do with.
RESULTS:
– Fellowship: 17 votes
– The Two Towers: 16 votes (shooting arrows while surfing on a shield goes a long way)
– Return of the King: 12 votes (should have ended five times earlier)
Whaddaya think, better or worse than the novels?
VERDICT:
8/10 Freedom Writers
I fitting tribute to one of the great writers and modern-day patriots of our time.
Gonzo is a documentary about one Hunter S. Thompson, an all-around madman who left his mark on the world by taking enough psychedelics to kill an adult hippo while fully embracing his right to bear arms, running for sheriff of a small Colorado town on the “Freak Power” ticket (now that’s a party I’d vote for) and writing about the Hell’s Angels, politics in the ’60s and ’70s, and the wildly dangerous effects of going on an ether binge in brilliant new ways that helped shape the course of American journalism while changing the face of literature.
Like most folks, my first introduction to Thompson was when one of my best friends in college introduced me to Terry Gilliam’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. In retrospect, this might not have been the best place to start because it scared, depressed and confused the sober shit out of me more than anything else, but I was intrigued by this fellow all the same. It wasn’t until later on when I stumbled across my stepfather’s copy of Thompson’s source material and subsequently tore through it like I was right there in bat country with Raoul Duke himself that I realized the greatness worth worshiping.
Now, if you’ve never heard of Thompson, if you’ve never seen, read, smelled or heard about Fear and Loathing, if the only connection to “Gonzo” you’re coming up with is The Muppets, then Gonzo is about the best first impression you could ask for.
It’s directed by Alex Gibney, and as far as documentarians go, this guy’s cleanin’ house. After tackling some outrageously heavy topics like those greedy fuckers at Enron and the US torture practices at Guantanamo Bay, this seemed like an unexpected, if not much-needed lighter direction to take things in, and something about it just seemed right from the moment I saw that poster.
Athough, when it starts out, the movie actually looks somewhat unimpressive as Gibney superimposes actors over photos of Thompson amongst other strangely amateurish attempts to “bring him to life” and it does feel like an odd way to kick things off. Even with Johnny Depp reading aloud excerpts from the guy’s novels with Gibney’s absolutely phenomenal soundtrack playing over it all, it still took me a bit to get reeled in. But then the epic amount of archived footage, audio and pictures starts rolling along with some wonderfully candid interviews from Thompson, his family and his incredibly mixed bag of friends and colleagues and you more or less forget all about that little hiccup at the get-go. You buy the ticket, you take the ride.
But the interesting thing about Gibney’s approach to Thompson is how much time is spent on his life as a political activist, whether it be him actually running for office, traveling along with George McGovern and watching him slowly sell out before his eventual loss to Nixon, or being one of the key figures who put Jimmy Carter on the map before anyone even knew who the hell that country bumpkin even was. As much as I wish there was more emphasis placed on what an outrageously funny and batshit crazy guy Thompson was, I already knew that stuff about the guy, everyone who knows anything about Thompson knows that first and foremost, and I don’t really think that’s how we would have wanted to have been remembered anyway.
It’s easy for someone to come across something like Fear and Loathing and write the guy off as a dope fiend with a typewriter while ignoring his swan song of a dying era in the process, and to do so would be unfortunate for everyone involved. Not only was Thompson the unintentional poster boy of a pivotal and terribly disheartening period in America’s political and cultural history where people stopped fighting for what was right and started eating all the bullshit that was being fed to ’em, but he really had a gift and he was one of the few who stuck to his guns instead of giving in to the man. Granted, the guy did end up doing enough drugs to the point where he pretty much developed a complete immunity to them, but that’s just one more thing that made him so damn interesting.
Even as someone who’s been on the Thompson bandwagon for a while now, simply reading a couple books and watching a couple YouTube videos of John Cusack describing how Hunter used to stop his car in the middle of a busy street and start slapping around a blow-up doll named “Ling-Ling” for all to see will only tell you so much about the guy. Thompson’s later years where he became more of a victim of his own fame than anything else are particularly sad in this regard, but when push comes to shove, this was a guy who lived one unbelievable life, someone who continually pole-vaulted himself over the edge and lived to tell about it in ways no one else could, someone who will undoubtebly grab the attention of readers and admirers for generations upon generations after his (un)timely death. Not quite sure how he made it to 67 let alone 30, but Gonzo is a wild little testament to a man who puts 21st Century journalism to shame and was all the while tripping balls like you wouldn’t believe.
And if you haven’t read Fear and Loathing, hit up the library, stat. That right there is a 10 out of 10.
Die Hard (1988)
VERDICT:
8/10 Shitty Christmases
One of the best one-man-army joints out there, but not quite the greatest action movie ever made.
Die Hard is about a New York City cop who heads out to L.A. for a holiday party at his wife’s office building in the hopes of repairing their already shaky marriage. Then in a total buzzkill move that would make Scrooge think he wasn’t such a bad guy after all, a band of German terrorists crash the festivities, start breaking into the skyscraper’s mega safe, slap the egg nog out of everyone’s hands and hold them all hostage…with the exception of our barefoot enforcer of justice who makes it his business to celebrate Jesus’ birthday by taking these fuckers OUT!
Alright, an 8 out of 10 for Die Hard. Blasphemy, I know. I’m already having visions of the hater comments that are heading my way, but what can I say, the ’80s were some rough years and in one-too-many ways, this was a victim. But let’s take a minute to cool our jets and get into why this bad boy rocks.
Even more so than my man Butch Coolidge, I don’t think Bruce Willis will ever manage to top his role here as the best thing that’s ever happened to the NYPD’s public image, off-duty Officer John McClane. The great thing about McClane – aside from his sense of humor when it comes to chewing out the broads at the LAPD call board and the drawbacks of crawling through ventilation shafts after nearly falling to your death – is that he’s just the real deal. Doesn’t have gadgets like Bond, doesn’t have elite military training like Bourne, he’s just a quick-thinking guy whose only resources against an army of angry Geris that are armed to the teeth are his mitts and his glock. Granted, everyone who’s going after him are all terrible effing shots, but he never really has the upper hand, he’s always vulnerable and he’s the perfect combo of good ol’ braun and brains that this movie needed to drive the plot along.
Yup, McClane’s a total badass and the beautiful thing is that the same goes for Hans Gruber.
I don’t know about you, but I’m of the mindset that Alan Rickman is kinda man. When it comes to smarmy, loathsome and unusually smart sonsabitches, Rickman’s got it down to a science and that’s exactly why he rules as Hans. Man, the way he pops the Nakatomi president like he was swatting a fly was one hell of an intro for a villain and that nonchalant attitude just carries on throughout. This guy’s on a mission, this guy’s not stupid, and even though his American accent is pretty suspect, Hans is a guy that earns our hatred. Happy trails, indeed.
And, of course, there’s Reginald VelJohnson as the one cop in all of Los Angeles who isn’t a complete jackass or bloodthirsty maniac that’s eager as all hell to relive their days in ‘Nam. Folks, what’s not to love? It’s freakin’ Carl Winslow, the “Big Guy” himself, and I don’t think McClane could have asked for a better right-hand man.
But my issue with Die Hard is that while 90% of it leaves no doubt in my mind why it became the action movie to model your blockbuster after, there’s that other eye-rollingly cliched 10% that totally falls on the other end of the spectrum. When it comes to the dialogue, half of what everyone says is cool as hell and the other half falls flat on its face. For instance, when Carl Winslow points out that “They’re shooting at the lights,” then the Gremans shoot the lights out and Paul Vernon goes, “They’re shooting at the lights,” like it’s his own thought. Well, that’s new. And it is so annoying how every cop other than Carl flat-out refuses to listen to any and all voices of reason. Also wasn’t a big fan of Karl (the bad one) coming back from the dead at the end only to get offed by Carl (the good one) and his hand cannon when McClane lets his guard down. Ugh, that dude should have stayed dead.
I don’t know, there are just too many things here that just scream “Remember the ’80s!” for me to bump it up to a 9. But this was when William Atherton cemented his place in movie history as The Biggest Douchebag of the Decade (mean that in the best way possible), and that definitely counts for something.
And for the record, Terminator 2 is the best action movie of all-time, then First Blood, then The Professional probably. I’m actually not even sure if this in my Top Five, but as far as one-man-army movies go, Die Hard is a solid number two (unfortunately, John McClane still has nothing on misunderstood psycho-vet John Rambo). But it is the best Christmas movie of all-time, so it’s got that going for it.
All the same, I’m not gonna be That Guy who trashes Die Hard because even though it’s not my #1, it is one of the greats and I ain’t gonna argue with anyone who gives it their top spot. I mean, come on, how about that scene where McClane mistakes Gruber for one of the hostages? McClane’s secret hiding spot for his gun at the end? “Now I have a machine gun. HO! HO! HO?” Unreal. That’s the kind of stuff that more action movies need to borrow from, that’s why this baby stands out and it’s a total blast every time. Just too bad it came out the same year that “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” won the Best Record Grammy.
Love the title though.
Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977)
VERDICT:
10/10 Epic Architectural Flaws
Confirmed once and for all that the Milky Way truly is the lamest galaxy in existence.
A New Hope is about a teenage farmhand with aspirations for greatness who, through a course of some very convenient and fateful events, finds himself training to become a knight of legend, gets caught up in a plot to rescue a princess and paves the way towards taking down a tyrannical empire by working to destroy their planet-killing weapon/base of operations before the Rebel movement is crushed for good.
Man, A New Hope. I can’t be the only who smiles when I hear those words.
Now, I’ve always heard that THX 1138 and American Graffiti are good movies in their own right, and while I’m sure I’ll get around to actually seeing them before I kick the bucket, something tells me they don’t have jack crap on what George Lucas put together here as a writer, director and all-around dreamer. The impact this movie has had on Earth in general cannot be measured and when the day comes when we all run out of oil and move to Mars or just nuke the snot out of each other, I really hope the aliens that show up discover a copy of this movie and use it to study us by. Why wouldn’t we want to be remembered as Jedi?
Alright, let’s just get started with the script because as awesome as the scale of Lucas’ vision is, I feel like it goes forgetten that he was a damn good writer back in the day. This is the Hero’s Journey at its finest, there’s not a minute of boredom to be found in a single effing frame of this thing and every last character outside of the Storm Troopers who can’t hit the broad side of a barn are all unique, iconical and fun as hell as soon as you’re introduced to ’em. That’s not easy to pull off whatsoever. Geez, this script really is the whole package when it comes to dialogue, story, character development, pacing, etc. and it’s so damn good to be reminded that at one time George Lucas did in fact have a great sense of humor.
I mean, really, was C-3P0 always this funny? Did I just forget that? That conversation he has with R2 after Luke gets pissed off because Leia’s message won’t play and he goes:
3P0: “No, I don’t think he likes you at all.”
R2: beeps and such.
3P0: (turns his back on the droid) “No, I don’t like you either.”
CLASSIC!
But the whole movie is filled with stuff like that, and it only gets better when Han Solo shows up and starts asking the Storm Troopers “How are you?” while trying to stage a prison break. God, George, why did you ever listen to your kids? You were a seriously funny dude.
And since we’re on the subject, Han is the best character in the Star Wars universe and it’s arguably the best role of Ford’s career. Darth and his Nazi Sumurai helmet are a very close second, but Obi-Wan, Leia, Chewie, R2, and 3P0 are legendary too and this series would be nothing without them. And it breaks my heart that Mark Hamill got his face chewed up so bad in that car wreck after this, because he was one suave lookin’ kid and he really makes Luke awesome. Definitely not a bitch here, not yet at least.
Unreal score by John Williams, too. I don’t usually single out the music in my reviews, but come on, this is something else.
But the wonderful thing about A New Hope is that everyone remembers their first time. It’s right up there with losing your tooth, getting your driver’s license and being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and while I can’t recall every last detail, I’m proud to say that I lost my Star Wars virginity at the ripe young age of five, and let me tell ya’, it was glorious.
My family had just moved from Brooklyn to the suburbs, my dad put a TV in my room for one night (which was a nice little perk that I missed immediately thereafter) and he turned it on just as the opening yellow text was scrolling off the screen. God, the moment I saw that Imperial Star Destoyer chasing down those Rebel scum in their pathetic dingy of a ship, the question came without skipping a beat:
Aiden: “What is this, dad?”
Aiden’s Pops: “Son, this is Star Wars.”
And that was it.
Unpacking boxes could wait, I’d never been a fan of putting sheets on the bed anyway, this is what was happening and I was hooked like a trout. Had to learn the hard way that this had nothing to do with Star Trek, but the seed had been planted, it was love at first sight. And let’s be honest, how could it not be?
Although I will say that it was borderline painful to watch all the CG scenes that Lucas went back and added to the DVDs on this latest go-around, not only because they’re all totally unnecessary and unwanted, but they make it blatantly clear how far from the tree the guy had fallen over the course of two decades. Nonetheless, they’re easy enough to write off in light of the big picture.
Still, what a jackass move. Greedo doesn’t shoot first.
Yeah, Empire is the best of the series, but that doesn’t take away from how pivotal and flat-out phenomenal this movie was and always will be. Maybe some of it has to do with the crushing disappointment that came with watching the new trilogy again, but this is an unbelievable movie either way, this is where it all started and I know a 10 when I see it. It’s not dated in the least, it’s still visually stunning in so many ways, the lightsaber battle between Ben and Darth actually isn’t all that bad and I really can’t wrap my head around the fact that something so unreal like this was made all the way back in 1977.
Okay, I could write a lot more than I already have, but (hopefully) we all know why it rocks as much as it does, so I’ll just go ahead and wrap this up.
It really is an amazing and rare opportunity to see a movie more times than you can count, return to it years later and be able to experience it all over again with an ear-to-ear grin from start to finish, but that’s A New Hope and it’s no wonder why it launched such a monster of a franchise. It’ll make you laugh, make you cheer, make your heart sink and rise with the flip of a switch and if you’re not on the level, watch it again, something tells me you’ll come around.
Now let’s do the right thing and finally have a moment of silence for Porkins.
We miss you, buddy. Your name was hilarious.
Winnebago Man (2010)
VERDICT:
7/10 Swear Jars
A bizarre, pertinent and often hilarious documentary for all you Generation Y kids out there.
Winnebago Man is about a crotchety bastard named Jack Rebney who unintentionally received global internet fame as “The Angriest Man in the World” after an outtake reel of him losing his mind and cursing up a storm while trying to make a promotional video for a line of motor homes hit YouTube and took it by storm. Then one day film maker Ben Steinbauer starts wondering what the hell ever happened to this guy, by some grace of God manages to track him down and so begins his journey to show the world how this viral king has coped after all these years of unwanted notoriety.
Alright, if you’ve never seen the “Winnebago Man” video before, you don’t know what you’re missing. Just as a heads up, this sucker’s not safe for work in the least (unless your boss is all about cursing people out in the workplace, then I expect a “Thanks, Aiden!” when you get that raise), but if the coast is clear and you’ve got your handy-dandy headphones plugged in, enjoy:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4099099782912716663#
Now, if we’re on the same page and you still can’t get over him swatting at those jackass flies and screaming about whatever the hell “accountrements” means, then you’re on the level, this . But if the swearing is too much, you just feel bad for the guy or for some reason it just wasn’t funny, stretching the experience out to an hour-and-a-half isn’t gonna make you feel any different.
The idea behind this documentary is strange in that part of me is somewhat interested to see what this guy is really like, but the other part of me really had never cared whatsoever until this movie came along. Granted, Jack Rebney and his foul mouth are fun to stumble across every now and again, but he never quite worked his way into the canon of comedic greatness like he did for director Ben Steinbauer. But even if I was just coming along for the ride because I was familiar with the guy, the real heart of what makes this movie interesting is Rebney’s outlook towards his status as a viral “celebrity”.
And that right there is the appeal to Winnebago Man, the behind-closed-doors look into the real Jack Rebney it provides us. After watching the infamous video, one can’t help but think that Rebney must have just been having one hell of a bad day, but as it turns out, he’s always like that and he is none too happy that a blooper reel made without his knowledge has become his lasting legacy. I wish I could say that Ben Steinbauer’s narration and on-screen contributions are just as interesting, but it’s kinda hard to top a guy who says bye to his dog with a “Fuck you, Buddha!” on the drive into town. It’s not like everything he says is a flat-out riot, but when he’s piping mad or genuinely touched, he had the whole theater hooked and winds up being a pretty interest subject for someone I never would have wondered about otherwise.
But, really, you gotta wonder about some of these people. Rebney seems like a normal enough guy with a short temper, but then you’ve got people like Fred (arguably the most intolerable person on the planet) andthat whackjob who begged us all to “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!“ and I can’t help but think, “It must suck to be known as that guy for the rest of your days.” Just look at “The Star Wars Kid” – no one was ever meant to see that, his classmates somehow got a hold of it, one thing led to another and now he’ll always be “The Star Wars Kid”. Yeah, it’s an absolutely hilarious video, but the story you don’t hear behind is that the kid ended up going to an institution as a result of it and his parents sued the shit out of the kids who made it public.
Anyone who’s ever looked the comments section of any YouTube video should be well aware of the fact that the mass of people who troll over that haven of overnight celebrities and freaks on parade are some of the most ruthless and unforgiving mofos you’ll ever come across. Coming from someone who posted his first (and subsequently last) video four years ago for a film class assignment, trust me, it sucks to read that shit.
But then again, I never got “famous” for it and I can go on with my life as Aiden R. instead of some douche who drew a picture of Thom Yorke. Man, I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of therapy I’d have to submit myself to after that.
These days with Lindsay Lohan’s two-week jail stint trumping the Gulf of Mexico oil spill headlines, you can’t escape from celebrity news even if you tried and even though most days I wish it would all just go away, it’s hard to drive by a trainwreck without gawking like an idiot. Winnebago Man can be very funny even if you’ve never heard of Jack Rebney and, more importantly, it’s pretty interesting to see the E! True Hollywood Storybehind one of the first V-list celebs in a culture where more people are getting their 15 minutes than ever before. You really don’t have to be talented to be famous these days (God, I hate those Kardashians), but it’s always interesting to see and hear how people cope whether they want it or not. Not a groundbreaking documentary by any means, but oddly fascinating and entertaining if you’re cool with all the F-bombs.
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