Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

VERDICT:
10/10 Parent Traps

Yup, it’s the best of the bunch.

The Empire Strikes Back picks up with Darth and his endless supply of incompetent Admirals combing the galaxy for Luke Skywalker and his Rebel Alliance buddies after some wizard architect thought the Death Star just had to have an exhaust port (I imagine the boss was pretty pissed about giving that one the go-ahead). Soon enough, Vader smokes ’em out of their ice cave, so Han, Leia, Chewie and the droids get the eff outta’ there and look for a place to lay low while Luke peaces out to go train with a Jedi Master on a glorified swamp.

Alright, after recently revisiting A New Hope (or Star Wars for all you fogies out there) and immediately remembering how phenomenal it’s always been, I gotta say, I was a bit skeptical about how this one would measure up. I’ve always said Empire was the best of the series, and while it’s not quite the mindblowing spectacle of sorts that the trilogy started out with, turns out I was right all along.

The thing is, A New Hope is the best introduction to this far, far away galaxy that anyone could have possibly asked for and if you’re gonna start anywhere with these movies, that’s the place. On the other hand, it’s an introduction that’s first and foremost about the Rebel movement and secondly about the memorable characters. What Empire does is turn that formula on its head and makes it all about the characters, The Force, and the sad truth that smoking the Death Star wasn’t exactly the crushing blow we all thought it was.

Folks, this is when shit gets real, and by the time it all wraps up, things aren’t exactly turning up Rebels. Luke is half-machine after finding out the hard way that his family sucks way harder than he could have ever imagined, he still hasn’t finished his training, Han’s getting shipped off to IKEA which means that Leia and Chewie are all heartbroken, in a nutshell, the Empire is running train.

But like I said, this one’s about the characters.

The first thing worth mentioning is how awesome it is to have Han at the forefront this time around. During that opening scene where Luke’s getting a facelift from a Wampa, I couldn’t help but wonder why Han wasn’t the one heading things up in this trilogy. Nothing against Luke, but what’s not to love about Han? What a wiseass, what a badass, he’s cooler than cool, he’s ice cold, and whenever he’s not on-screen, you really wish he was.

And in comparison to the atrocity that was Anakin and Padme’s “romance” in the new trilogy, the dynamic between Han and Leia is just awesome. The whole cat-and-mouse thing is endlessly entertaining from the moment she says, “I’d just as soon kiss a Wookie,” and he yells back, “I could arrange that. You could use a good kiss!” And by the time she finally wises up to the fact that she actually is crazy for him, he drops the two impossibly irresistable words that would make any woman in her position melt like butter for this scruffy-lookin’ scoundrel.

Leia: “I love you.”
Han: “I know.”

Dude, what a freakin’ stud. That’s why we love Han.

But the big addition to the old gang here is Yoda, and make no mistake, Yoda is THE MAN. I am just crazy about his whole ridiculous intro where he’s rooting through Luke’s supplies and slapping around R2 with his cane because you can’t help but treat him as a joke. It’s one of those moments where you go, “Well, Lucas is officially losing it,” but then you realize that this Gremlins reject is actually the Jedi Master that Luke’s been looking for, the tone of the situation does a complete 180 and you revel in the epic wisdom and power of this half-pint who can lift X-Wings with his mind like it’s no big thing. And then he puts on his serious voice and starts laying down the law:

Luke: “Alright, I’ll give it a try.”
Yoda: “No. Try not. Do…or do not. There is no try.”

Luke: “I don’t, I don’t believe it.”
The Yodester: “That is why you fail.”

Luke: “I won’t fail you. I’m not afraid.”
El Yoderino: “You will be. You…will…be.”

Good lord, I really have no idea how Yoda lost that “Best Jedi” poll to Qui-Gon. Dude never dropped that kind of knowledge on Obi-Wan.

But the one thing that still throws me for a loop and must have made everyone flat-out mess themselves when they first saw this in theaters goes right back to Luke and Darth. Strangely enough, I really can’t bring myself to talk specifically about the said bomb-dropper for fear of any well-read toddlers who might stumble across this highly innappropriate blog that their parents surely wouldn’t approve of, but I don’t think I’m over-stepping any bounds when I say that it may very well be the biggest shocker in movie history. Lucas really deserves a high-five or something for doing such a kickass job of misleading the hell out of his audience so that they wouldn’t see it coming by a long shot and no wonder why it’s become such a iconic moment in movie history. Well played, good sir.

Also really dug their lightsaber duel in Cloud City. It wasn’t until now that I realized what’s so great about the fights in this trilogy: they actually look like Jedi Knights instead of Jedi Parkour Acrobats. Less flipping, less choreography, just serious guys duking it out and you can really feel the power and rage that goes along with it. Yes, Luke did look ridiculous swatting at all the debris that Vader was throwing his way, but other than that, pretty solid stuff that seemed to be abandoned entirely in the new trilogy.

And as much as I’d like to agree that Luke is kind of a whiny bitch here, I gotta say, I feel for the kid. I mean, damn, I’d be anxious, too. Probably wouldn’t pull the whole “You ask the impossible,” shtick on my teacher and mope off into the woods, but if my friends’ lives were in danger, if I was being hunted by the Empire like Dog the Bounty Hunter was behind the wheel, if the fate of the galaxy was resting on my shoulders and I could barely use The Force to stack rocks, hell yeah I’d be frustrated. I don’t know, I think we could afford to cut him a break. At least he’s not crying about sand and shit like Anakin.

And how about Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian, the biggest space pimp around? Man, I’d buy whatever that guy was selling. I’d ditch Han and let him woo my ass ’til kingdom come without thinking twice. Something about that mustache/cape combo…truly pimptacular.

So even though watching The Empire Strikes Back again didn’t quite have the same magically nostalgic effect on me that re-visiting A New Hope did, this is still very much one of the all-time great sequels and it was the perfect direction to take the story and characters in. Just one more glowing and terribly bittersweet example of the kind of quality that Lucas was capable of.

Now can anyone enlighten me on the symbolism behind everyone getting their arms lopped off?