Grown Ups (2010)
VERDICT:
0/10 Shattered Memories
Dude, what the fuck happened to these guys?
Grown Ups is about five childhood friends who get older, start families, and reunite down the line after their basketball coach kicks the bucket. So they all head off to a lakeside cabin, catch up on old times, and start taking a good hard look at the stupid stuff that’s been cluttering their otherwise happy lives.
Jesus, I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Sitting through this was like the first time I tried to watch Caddyshack 2. For all intents and purposes, this had all the potential to be a hilarious movie because at one point and time, at least two of these guys were the funniest people on the planet. But then Jackie Mason took over for Rodney Dangerfield, Kevin James took over for Chris Farley, and I curse this blog of mine since it’s the only reason I didn’t press STOP at the ten-minute mark.
There really isn’t much to say about Grown Ups because the trailer kinda said it all. This is just your textbook example of edgy dudes who grew up, sold out, had kids, and then made a movie that they could take the whole family to. In short, F that S. Every time, F that S. Here’s why:
Adam Sandler used to be funny, now he’s not, but that one’s been a long time coming. Chris Rock used to be funny, and he still is, but just not in movies. David Spade used to be funny (at least I thought he was in Just Shoot Me), now he’s just creepy. Rob Schneider had his moments, I suppose, now he’s even creepier than Spade. Kevin James has never been funny, and Chris Farley rolling in his grave. I don’t know what else to say, folks. The proof is in the pudding and it has been for a while.
And I can’t believe Steve Buscemi got dragged into this just because he played Crazy Eyes. Thank God he’s kicking ass on Boardwalk Empire to even things out.
Going off that, the humor here is painfully unfunny. The whole effing script is just watching these guys make inside jokes that no one in the audience can join in on, and it wouldn’t be so bad if the inside jokes didn’t seem so stupid to begin with. They tell Chris Rock that he looks like Michael Vick a lot, they tell Adam Sandler that he got fat a lot, they tell Kevin James that he got really fat a lot, they tell David Spade that he’s a horny drunk a lot, and they tell Rob Schneider that he’s got a nasally voice that sounds weird when he calls corn “maze”. Mix all that together with dudes doing nosedives into piles of shit, old women who fart a lot and have bunyons the size of an eggplant, Rob Schneider knocking boots with other old women, and chicks spraying each other in the face with projectile breast milk straight from the tap, and that’s your movie.
Honestly, why did they do this to themselves? This God-awful script and this whole damn production was just an excuse for them to go on vacation for a couple weeks and get paid while doing it. Part of me can’t blame ’em, but most of me wants to slap these fools in the mouth and remind them that they were once legendary…at least two of them were. The truth of the matter is that they’ve just stopped trying and have resorted to cashing in on their A-list statuses instead of doing what they do best: making people laugh. I can’t remember the last time I laughed less at a comedy, I’d be shocked if they laughed either, and they should really be ashamed of themselves.
A sense of humor doesn’t just mysteriously go away like that. That shit is a choice.
Look, if Paul Blart, Joe Dirt and Zohan are the only memories you have of this crew, then Grown Ups might just suck a little less. But if you’re like me and vividly remember wasting hours in front of the TV watching SNL reruns on Comedy Central because Canteen Boy, Nat X and that bit where David Spade got a tattoo from Sean Penn nearly made you wet yourself every time they came on, then Grown Ups will suck like no other and will make you sad. Maybe I’m just too young to understand this movie, maybe I need to have myself some kids before I start bashing the very people who gave me such joy back in the day, but for the time being, I’m disappointed in these guys and I think I speak for the majority when I say that we deserve better.
If this is what happens when you have a mid-life crisis, then I am freaking the fuck out, man.
Jane Eyre (2011)
VERDICT:
8/10 Independent Women
A solid adaptation of one of the all-time greats.
Jane Eyre is the story of an orphan growing up in 19th Century England. She gets rejected by her wicked aunt and sent to a hard-knock, all-girls boarding school where she spends the next eight years of her life. Once she comes of age, she takes on the position of governess for a young French girl at a nearby estate. During her stay, she finds herself increasingly acquainted with the master of the house who is nearly twice her age but kindred in spirit. As their semi-relationship begins to blossom and strange happenings start popping up at every turn, our girl eventually finds herself at a crossroads where she must choose between her happiness and self-respect as a woman of her own being.
So when it comes to 19th Century period pieces, my gut reaction usually leans towards “Hell-effing-no.” Those are the stories that made me regret being an English major in college whenever I walked into Brit. Lit. I and II, those are the movies that made me kick myself for thinking that Bright Star was gonna be some epiphany of sorts on the matter ’cause I heard some off-hand comment about Quentin Tarantino giving it the thumbs up. Bad calls all around and I still wish I’d been an American Studies major. I like to think that the Old English is to blame for a lot of why this sub-genre of sorts tends be one of the few that I’m not all too open-minded about, but what can I say other than that I’ve given it many a shot and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just not my thing.
But for some reason I ended up being the one who asked my fiancee to go check this out and here I am giving it an 8. Why the change of heart? Well, it’s probably because I actually read the damn book for once instead of CliffsNoting it like the lazy bastard I was in college, found out right quick that I loved the damn book and couldn’t put it down, and kicked myself once again for ever writing it off as chick lit even though it was one of my mom’s all-time favorite books. Folks, always listen to mom.
Although, with that being said, director Cary Fukanaga and writer Moira Buffini definitely had a tall order bringing this to the big screen. But let’s start with what they do well.
First off, this movie is effing gorgeous. Filmed on location in and around various castles, -shires, and shrubberies in the English countryside, it’s breathtaking to soak in from a visual standpoint. Right from the get-go where Jane is wandering aimlessly through fields of grass and stone at sunset, to scenes where the camera just follows her around as she walks through the castle grounds and gardens, I really felt transported to another time and another world just by the natural beauty that surrounds every last detail. That Fukunaga’s sure got an eye, doesn’t hurt that the orchestral score he’s working with is gorgeous as well, and the mood they both create is dead-on.
The thing about the story of Jane Eyre is that the meat of it tends to be about the romance between Jane and Rochester, but for me, that’s only part of it. What really drew me in about the novel and separated it from something that, say, Jane Austen would write was the mystery and mysticism that spruced up this rags-to-riches love story into something that at times closer resembles a horror novel of sorts. And whether it’s the faded color tones, the multitude of scenes that are lit only by one or two candle lights or the way the fog always seems to be rolling in whenever someone steps outside, Fukanaga captures this vibe to a tee. It was an extremely important element to get right, and had it not been included or had the mark been missed completely, this would have been a disappointment.
And playing Jane is Mia Wasikowska in her best performance to date, which is kind of a big deal considering 2010 was the freakin’ year for Mia Wasikowska. I really admire that they actually cast someone who was the right age to play Jane, not just because I’m dead tired of Hollywood trying to convince us that Rachel McAdams could swing it as a high school Senior, but because it’s true to the character and it adds so much more to the performance. One of the great things about Jane is that despite her outward appearance, she’s years beyond her age and bears the wisdom and maturity that most twice her senior couldn’t fathom. So when Wasikowska brings that to the forefront and brings it hard, it shouldn’t take long to realize that she’s just what the role calls for and then some. Man, why can’t impressionable young woman have more heroes like Jane to look up to these days? I don’t know where or when it was that we lost the memo, but even as a guy, it makes me ecstatic to see a strong, intelligent female character like this who doesn’t have to act like a guy to gain the respect of those around her and stands up for her convictions even when it’s expected of her to behave otherwise. A conversation for another day, but, yeah, Jane rocks and so does Wasikowska.
And the great Michael Fassbender is just that as Jane’s employer, Edward Rochester. Dude is continuing to do an awesome job of getting people to remember who he is and he really does a swell job with the character. Rochester’s a complex fella’ and Fassbender plays him opposite Wasikowska like a boss. Damn, that guy is cool.
But as good as these two are, they are far too good-looking to be playing these characters. Jane and Rochester aren’t exactly anyone’s idea of eye candy in the novel, so I don’t know how Wasikowska and Fassbender got picked out with that fact in mind. Not that I’m complaining because, again, they’re both great, but those two are lookers if you ask me…especially Fassbender, and I am as hetero as can be when I say that.
But as much as I liked the acting, the direction and the tone, I was really close to giving this a 7. As weird as it may sound, things were just moving too fast for me here. Maybe it’s the romantic in me, but I actually would have liked another hour tacked onto this. It’s not that it feels rushed or anything, it’s just a combination of my wanting to spend more time getting to know Jane and Rochester simply because they’re such incredible characters and also because of the constraint that comes with cramming a novel like this into a 120-page script. Major plot points come around pretty quickly, and while they don’t come out of the blue, some extra buildup would have been nice and some extra attention could have been paid to Jane’s earlier years when she was getting tricked instead of treated. But with the exception of some back stories, midnight hauntings, and a scene where Rochester dresses up as a gypsy woman, there’s not much left out plot-wise, so that’s a definite plus.
Not quite sure why the film flashes back and forth between the beginning and middle of the story during the first 15 minutes or so, but whatever, it’s easy enough to overlook and it does work in terms of drawing the audience in.
But despite its shortcomings that might only be present because I’m such a big fan of the source material, Jane Eyre is still a really good movie that seemed very much envisioned by a crew that were also big fans of the source material. It really is a phenomenal character study of a woman that’s rightfully earned herself one of the top-ranking spots in the pantheon of female role models, and aside from that, it’s a wonderfully sincere romance that stands the test of time and doesn’t feel dated despite its surroundings. And kudos to an absolutely perfect ending. Was wondering all along how this was gonna get wrapped up and I couldn’t have imagined a more brilliantly subtle way for it to have gone out. Well played, Moira Buffini.
God, I love that book.
Good news, Bad news…
So after a full year of unhealthy persistence and , I finally hit the mother lode and got myself a job as the Data Editor over at Getglue.com. Translation: I’m the guy who’ll be making sure all the images, info and descriptions of all the movies, books, video games, etc. are looking tops and such. It’s been a long time comin’, it’s kinda why I started this website in the first place, and that is very much the good news.
The bad news is that it looks like I’m gonna be a whole lot busier and I’m guessing that I might not have the same kind of time as I once did to watch so many damn movies and write so many damn reviews. All the same, I’m gonna do my best to keep this five-reviews-per-week routine up until I have myself a meltdown, but just thought I’d give you guys the heads up before anyone starts calling The National Guard or anything when Monday morning comes and the White Chicks review still isn’t up.
Well, that’s it. Definitely one of those double-edged sword thingamajigs, but I’m still pumped. And hit up the link below to check out GetGlue yourself. It’s awesome stuff and it is addicting as sin.
And the best Spaghetti Western is…
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY!
Shit, I need to watch these again. I own these movies, what the hell is taking me?
Anyway, despite the crushing lack of love for Once Upon a Time in the West, hard to knock this as the winner. So way to vote, gang.
I love you.
RESULTS:
– The Good, The Bad and the Ugly: 19 votes (damn, yo)
– Once Upon a Time in the West: 4 votes (would have been my vote)
– A Fistful of Dollars: 3 votes
– For a Few Dollars More: 2 votes
– Duck, You Sucker!: 1 vote (probably wins for best title)
– Other: 1 vote for Django (never heard of it, but anything that pits cowboys against the KKK sounds awesome to me).
Clint, man. What a badass. Same goes for Eli Wallach.
Time Bandits (1981)
VERDICT:
8/10 Excellent Adventures
Would probably have a damn good chance of winning the Most Fun With Time-Travel Award if it hadn’t been for that damn Marty McFly.
Time Bandits is about a little boy with a vivid imagination, shitty parents, and a jones for history who finds himself on the journey of a lifetime when a gang of time-traveling dwarves walk out of his bedroom closet and take him hostage or something while on the lam from their boss, The Supreme Being. So as they jump from one century to the next with the intent of robbing blind every historical figure they meet along the way from Napoleon to King Agamemnon, an Evil Genius begins plotting a scheme to get his mitts on their time-travel map so that he can reign over all of creation like the jerk he is.
Since there are very few film makers out there who can pull off time travel, creationism and a cast led by half-a-dozen dwarves all in the same place, it should surprise absolutely no one that this here is the brainchild of Terry Gilliam. And as much as I love the guy and think he’s one of the greats, the thing about writing Gilliam reviews is that I’m starting to sound like a broken record.
A lot of it is stuff you need to see for yourself, but I’ll run it down anyway. It’s the epic set pieces, it’s the details that would drive a continuation director to take up alcoholism, it’s the Monty Python sense of humor, and it’s the feeling you’ve just entered into a gypsy funhouse that you don’t want to leave regardless of how strange things get. I’d rather not get into specifics because I don’t know how much my ranting about the brilliant way Gilliam turns a colander into a helmet will actually get people to see this, but the long and short of the matter is that it’s the whole package with this guy and each new effort is unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. You know, ’cause every movie poster features a giant floating head with a pirate ship for a hat.
Alright, I’ve said enough. I love Terry Gilliam, he is a golden god, let’s move on.
So for the guy’s first jump into the world of time travel, he happens to do a damn good job with it. The reason it works is because he doesn’t get caught up with loopholes, altering the future, or any of the aneurysm-inducing hypotheticals that happen in Primer. Instead, he takes the Bill and Ted route (or vice-versa) and completely ignores cause-and-effect so that he can just have fun taking jabs at historical figures the whole time. And as much as I dug Primer, I’m a big fan of the “screw repercussions” approach to time travel when the whole idea is to just have to some fun.
So when our gang meets up with Napoleon, all he does is mope about his Napoleon complex, drunkenly rant about how all of history’s greatest conquerors were five feet or smaller, and laugh like a bastard at “little things hitting each other”. Then when our gang makes their way to Sherwood forest, Robin Hood ends up being this prim-and-proper fellow who shakes everyone’s hand like a Walmart Santa before gently asking them all, “And how long have you been a robber?” while his caveman-like band of merry man start punching out poor people for no real reason at all. Then you throw in a handful of segments with the Evil One blowing up cronies with his fingertips every time they try to point out that he’s actually not as powerful as the Supreme Being who created him, and I was flat-out howling.
There’s just a ton of great scenes that range from gut-busing to jaw-dropping and they only get more impressive as the plot continues. It’s the scene from the poster, it’s the dwarves staging a prison break like they moonlight with the crew from Cirque du Soleil, it’s the final showdown with the Evil One and the insanely inventive ways he takes out cowboys, Trojan archers, laser beams and tank shells, and then it’s the Supreme Being showing up like the British version of my grandfather and starts running train without even trying. Just some totally wild stuff.
But aside from all the “wow” factor, there’s actually a pretty cool anti-technology message that Gilliam slips in here. It’s actually pretty ahead of its time now that book stores on the outs and Kindles are taking over, and when you’ve got a story fueled by pure imagination like this, I don’t blame Gilliam for taking aim at Kevin’s gadget-crazy, TV-addicted parents. Makes me wanna kick myself for still thinking that the best Christmas present I ever got was a Sega Genesis. One can only gain so much from Sonic the Hedgehog.
And the cast is fantastic. Craig Warnock is mighty cute as our accidental time traveler, Kevin; John Cleese is steals the show as Robin Hood; Ian Holm is a rip as Napoleon; Sean Connery takes a nice little turn for the lighthearted as King Agamemnon; Michael Palin and Shelley Duvall have some choice moments as a couple divided by E.D., facial moles and male pattern baldness; David Warner is a goddamn riot as the Evil One; same goes for Ralph Richardson as the Supreme Being; and same goes for all six dwarves. Man, it is so cool that Gilliam up and cast little people as his leads. No idea how his producers gave him the go ahead with that one, but they’re absolutely perfect in the roles and the tone just wouldn’t have been the same with actors in the six-foot range.
So it’s no Brazil (then again, what is?) and some of the time periods don’t quite measure up to others, but Time Bandits is nevertheless a freaking hilarious trip through one of the most imaginative minds that ever got hold of a camera. Not sure why it took me so long to get around to this, but it definitely lives up to the cult reputation that surrounds it and it’s about as much fun as you can probably get out of a Gilliam movie.
Pretty bizarre ending though. Definitely wasn’t expecting anyone to get orphaned in the last 30 seconds.
Deadgirl (2008)
VERDICT:
4/10 Zombie Brothels
Inspired idea, weak execution, and an idiotic display of puberty at its worst.
Deadgirl is about two high school slackers who decide to kill some time after class by getting drunk in an abandoned insane asylum and trashing the place because destroying shit is fun. Then they head down to the creepy basement, and whaddaya know, they find a naked girl down in the back corner of the boiler room who’s been chained to a gurney by godknowswho for godknowshowlong. After a series of unfortunately sadistic events, they come to realize that this girl can’t be killed, that she’s in fact some smokin’ hot, spaced-out Highlander or something, so, naturally, one of the kids considers this a golden opportunity to start banging her. Being that the other kid isn’t exactly down with raping chicks – especially the ones who may or may not be human and smell like week-old beef – he tries to stay out of it and maybe even help the girl out, but then word starts spreading in the hallways about their choice find and shit starts getting crazy.
Man, sorry for the long synopsis that could have been summed up with “horny teens raping a zombie for 100 minutes”. But anyway, it probably goes without saying that this movie isn’t for everyone. It’s definitely not your typical zombie movie and it definitely falls in with some of the more fucked up things I’ve come across in a while, but by the same token, I can definitely see how this could peak some interest.
If there’s any one reason this movie gained itself a 4, it’s because this is some new territory we’re dealing with. I’ve seen Dawn of the Dead, I’ve seen The Last House on the Left, but I can’t say that I’ve ever seen the two combined, and I gotta admit, this is some pretty deviant shit. And the best part about this aspect of Deadgirl is that it leaves you guessing from one scene to the next. Even though I knew about the premise way ahead of time, I really had no idea how this movie was gonna play out after the boinking starts up since it seemed a bit ridiculous that more than one kid would be interested in getting their jollies with a semi-corpse. Apparently my high school years were pretty sheltered ’cause I completely underestimated what a teenage boy’s testosterone is capable of when a naked female gets thrown into the mix.
But that’s the kicker with this one. On the one hand, yeah-fucking-right would anyone in their right mind have sex with this girl. If for some reason I ever ended up in an abandoned insane asylum and stumbled across a zombie in shackles, you can bet my mojo would be killed in a hot second and I would take immediate action to start killing this bitch with fire before the douchebag next to me starts unzipping his fly. Sex is most definitely not on the menu. I think I speak for an overwhelming majority of mankind on this matter, but on the other hand, that’s the whole movie and you just kinda have to go with it I suppose. Not a movie worth asking questions over when the only answer around is, “But she’s a hot zombie.”
I don’t know, folks. Gotta take it or leave it with this one, but on some totally unrealistic and twisted level, it does work.
So that’s the “good” stuff, but then there’s everything else which pretty much boils down to the acting and writing.
Man, this is a situation where the acting is so freakin’ bad that you almost feel pity for the individuals involved. I don’t know how Shiloh Fernandez landed a major role in Red Riding Hood after this (then again, word on the street is that movie does meet his standards), because he’s effing awful. Also a bummer to see that Noah Segan got the same memo since I seem to remember him being pretty solid in Brick, but, yeah, awful as well. Man, everyone in this movie is awful and it’s hard to get into specifics because it never really lets up. Although, in their defense, their dialogue could not have been worse and that shameful honor goes to screenwriter Trent Haaga. Fine, the plot he’s put together does have its moments, but this dude has no grasp whatsoever as to how human beings actually talk or behave and it shows like you wouldn’t believe. After all, this movie is about PEOPLE HAVING SEX WITH A ZOMBIE. But, yeah, Daniel Day-Lewis couldn’t salvage these lines, no one could.
And poor Jenny Spain as the Deadgirl herself. Must have been one awkward premiere for her to sit through, what with her getting sexed the whole time and looking like a demonic, bare-assed meth freak from beginning to end. Geez, how do you even walk out of the theater after something like that let alone show up to begin with? Whatever, a conversation for another day.
All these detractors are really too bad since there’s definitely potential here for a noteworthy horror movie, but it just fails so hard on too many levels. And it’s not a scary movie by any means, especially since the scares that are here are all cheap. Not that I’m complaining about how wrong it is since that’s what I signed up for, I just wish it had gone heavier on how wrong this stuff is and laid off the gore a tad. Gore’s been done already, it’s the other stuff that’s putting asses in the seats.
I’m still on the fence as to whether or not I should have given this a 3 because so much of this movie really does suck. It ain’t easy to ignore the acting, the dialogue and the idea that teenage boys could reach a level of such desperate hornyness that they’d justify knocking boots with a zombie, but there is something to be said about this premise. It’s shamelessly warped, I was generally surprised by the direction it went in, and as tasteless as it may be, it was pretty easy to get caught up in the originality of it all. Deadgirl isn’t an easy movie to recommend for a lot of reasons and it’s probably not a movie I’d recommend anyway, but if more key elements hadn’t been flat-out garbage, I might have been singin’ a different tune here.
One more reason to stick with the good ol’ human race for your lovemakin’ needs.
You Only Live Twice (1967)
VERDICT:
7/10 Chitty Chitty Bang Bangs
Not sure how the guy who created Willy Wonka ended up with this of all writing gigs, but whatever, I had fun.
You Only Live Twice picks up with good ol’ Jimmy B. faking his death and booking it over to Japan to investigate an unidentified spacecraft that’s been eating up American and Soviet space pods like gangbusters. With each new shuttle launch that is for some reason taking place every damn day, JB finds himself in a race against time to figure out who the hell is behind all this bullshit before World War III breaks out and the Queen ends up on the short of end of a nuclear holocaust. TIME TO KICK SOME ASS…NINJA STYLE!
So there are three noteworthy things that separate this movie from the previous four entries. First, James is in in Japan and he’s finally getting the chance to test out all those politically incorrect Asian jabs he’s been stockpiling since Jamaica. Second, it’s probably got the best theme song of any Bond film. Never knew that this was the tune Robbie Williams sampled in “Millennium“, but since that song’s sweet, so is the source material. Well done, Nancy Sinatra. And third, the screenplay is written by Roald-freaking-Dahl.
Yeah, you read that right. From the outset, it might make as much sense as Dr. Seuss writing for Die Hard, but as ridiculous as this movie gets, it works because it’s fun.
So as far as the gadgets are concerned, this here’s an interesting mix. The only one of the bunch that I found pretty suspect was the fancy schmancy, high tech safecracker that Jimbo magically whips out of his pocket after discovering a hidden safe in his foe’s office. If there had been some prior mentioning of this device that’s about as big as a shoebox yet easily concealable for business attire and highly resistant to any damage caused during fistfights with sumo security guards, that would have been fine. But by the same taken, whatever, it’s not a huge scene to begin with and I’m making a bigger deal out of this than anyone could really give a shit about. I’ll just chalk it up to JB having a hunch.
But the other two noteworthy gadgets I actually do kinda get. There’s a ninja cigarette that turns into a one-shot magnum of sorts when lit, and that’s cool, that’s something I could see myself making good use of in a tight spot and that’s exactly what JB does with it. But that thing flat-out pales in comparison to the holy grail of Q’s inventions this time around: the Erector Set helicopter with a school bus yellow finish that James somehow pilots like he’s goddamn Iceman or something. One the one hand, its presence here makes sense because he needs a fast way to search an entire island for secret lairs, but it is a little weird watching him fly around in this thing that looks like it came with a Happy Meal.
Then again, it’s hard to knock this kinda stuff for being stupid because it’s all from the mind of Roald Dahl. And even if it is stupid, the gadgets aren’t insanely convenient, they’re not used to the point of exhaustion, and it really was pretty sweet watching James massacre four big boy helicopters with the obscene amount of rockets, mines and machine gunnery attached to his chopper that arrived no less than an hour earlier in four big-ass suitcases. Seriously, look at that thing, imagine how embarrassing it would be to get killed by that. Double embarrassing since its name is “Little Nellie”.
Jesus, what a weird “gadget” that is.
Although there are a couple plot developments here that I couldn’t brush off with a grain of salt let alone a fire hose blasting Dead Sea water down my throat. For some reason, James’ contact in Japan thinks it’d be a good idea to disguise to turn 007 Japanese. It’s like that scene in Team America where the puppet goes under the knife so that he can go undercover with the natives of Derkaderkastan, only this is serious…and with real people. I’m not kidding. A half-dozen sexy Japanese plastic surgeons place James on an operating table in a room the size of a football field, then proceed to work their magic by giving him a Japanese man’s wig, placing some kind of makeup pads over his eyelids, and then I think they give him a spray tan off-screen. I don’t know about you folks and I don’t know about the gullibility of the Japanese people, but you’d have to be a genuine dumbass not to raise an eyebrow at the six-foot-tall stranger with a white guy’s facial features who says “Arigato gozaimas” in a thick Scottish accent. No wig is that convincing.
And then the story eventually makes its way into a ninja colony where James is trained in the ways of silent death and such, and as much as I should have seen that coming, it’s still a little much.
Alright, so Dahl does take this plot in some suspect directions here and there, but he does pull of a lot of it and, most importantly, he does go back to the original formula of not clueing the audience into everything that’s going on within the first 15 minutes of the movie. What killed Thunderball for me was that SPECTRE’s plan was laid out for us right from the get-go and so the rest of the plot was just us waiting for James to catch up to speed. But this time around, the audience is back to being kept in the dark until James starts getting answers, and that’s the way it should be. Makes the whole thing way more watchable and I truly don’t understand why it ever changed to begin with.
And, hey, we finally get to see what Blofeld looks like, and he’s a dead ringer for Dr. Evil in more ways than one. But it’s a shame that there’s simply nothing even remotely terrifying about a five-foot-tall bald man in a flesh-colored bodysuit who’s always holding a cat, and it’s astounding how many golden opportunities he passes up to just shoot Bond in the forehead. How this guy got to the top of the world’s leading terrorist organization is beyond me.
So it’d been a long time since I’d last seen this movie and my vague impression going in was that this was one of the more forgettable entries in the series. But I guess nine-year-old Aiden didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about ’cause You Only Live Twice is actually a good ol’ time. With the exception of the Bond girls who all suck (although it’s absolutely hilarious how fast they go from hating James to jumping his bones with the flick of a switch) and how shamelessly offensive and misogynistic some of it is, it’s easily one of the more entertaining and amusing entries of Connery’s run, there’s some great fight scenes to boot, and I love that James has his sense of humor back. Wasn’t expecting things to get much better after the crushing disappointment of Thunderball, but whatever, I’ll take it and I hope this keeps up when Lazenby takes the reigns.
Win Win (2011)
VERDICT:
9/10 Half Nelsons
Thomas McCarthy – remember the name.
Win Win is about a small-town attorney whose financial troubles and epic stress levels bring to take advantage of an elderly client who suffers from dementia. Then one day the client’s grandson shows up on his pappy’s doorstep, but since he can’t stay in his grandfather’s nursing home and since his mom is too hopped up on drugs to give a crap, the attorney ends up letting the kid live under his roof until further notice. Since he’s got nothing else to do, the kid joins the abysmally bad high school wrestling team that the attorney coaches, he ends up dominating on the mat like it’s nobody’s business while turning his life around academically and otherwise, and eventually finds himself becoming a part of this newfound family. So things start looking up for the attorney and his star athlete, but then the kid’s mom comes back into the picture, the attorney’s shady dealings come to light, and everything starts getting pretty emotional.
It’s written and directed by one Thomas McCarthy who’s slowly but surely been doing a great job of escaping his reputation as That-Guy-Who’s-In-Everything-But-I-Couldn’t-Tell-You-His-Name-If-You-Had-A-Gun-To-My-Head. I for one can’t name a single thing that he’s been in even though I’ve definitely seen him before, but considering he’s also the guy who’s responsible for The Station Agent, The Visitor, more power to him to keep riding that writer/actor/director gravy train he’s on. And if there’s one thing I like about McCarthy – aside from the fact that he also wrote Up – it’s that he’s a film maker after my own heart.
I don’t like to think I have a favorite genre of movies because I’m not into limiting myself to just laughter, scares, enlightenment or whatever I was supposed to get out of Dune, but when asked that dreaded question, my go-to answer is “movies about real people with real problems, officer.” Might sound a bit vague, but that’s the kind of movie this is and that’s pretty much been McCarthy’s m.o. for eight years now. Nothing flashy and they didn’t make that much of a splash in the mainstream outside of Richard Jenkins’ much-deserved Oscar nom back in ’07, they’re just dialogue- and character-driven stories about people helping people through shit we can all sympathize or empathize with.
This here is the story of a family man trying to get through a moral crossroads and a kid with a future that’s filled with a potential and a past that keeps on holding him back. Sounds simple enough, but the beauty of it all is that it’s anything but. Some of the conflicts that come about are predictable and this premise isn’t exactly new, but when simple is done well, it kinda does feel new. I don’t know, it’s just unusual to find a movie that hits all the right notes without yanking on our heartstrings, that’s affecting without being schmaltzy, that’s dramatic without feeling Hollywood.
It’s this family. They felt real, they felt genuine, and after a while I found myself wishing the movie could go on for another hour just so I could keep hanging out with them.
Alright, I gotta tone this thing down. Sorry if I’ve been a bit on the serious side thus far, because as much as this script nails it on an emotional level, it’s also freakin’ hilarious. Lots of great running gags, lots of great dialogue, and every last one of these characters (not counting the crackhead mom) had me laughing out loud at one point. Come on, Jeffrey Tambor’s in it, what else do you need to know?
But the cast really is out of sight.
Paul Giamatti continues to be the man as the attorney-turned-surrogate father, Mike. Not that he’s got much to prove these days since he’s more or less guaranteed an Oscar as long as he doesn’t start Sheening out anytime soon, but he’s swell in the dad role and he’s an easy guy to get behind. He’s one of the best out there right there, not much else to say. And don’t really recognize Bobby Cannavale from anything aside from The Station Agent, but that dude is a goddamn riot as the assistant-assistant coach of Mike’s wrestling team. Also nice to see Amy Ryan outside of The Office and doing a bang-up job while she’s at it as Mike’s wife.
Bonus points for giving work to Burt Young. The world needs more Paulie in it.
And Alex Shaffer absolutely kills it in his very first acting role as our tap-out king, Kyle. He’s just the real deal when it comes playing a teenager. I’ve got a cousin in high school right now, and if you take away the albino hair dye and the badass tattoos that would instantly turn any 16-year-old boy into the coolest kid in homeroom, Kyle is my cousin. Part of it is the way Thompson rarely gives him lines that go past one sentence when a simple “pretty good” or “cool” will do the trick, but most of it is the way Shaffer carries himself. He’s cool as shit and he’s humble as hell, the little things that might nag at other people just seem to roll off his shoulders, and he’s really mature and straight-up nice for a kid someone who’d be easy to write off as trouble.
The dynamic between Kyle and Mike works because they’re an odd couple, but they’re also the same and they not only need each other in their lives, but they want each other in their lives. It’s a fantastic give-and-take that’s so heavy on the giving that the taking just ends up feeling like a bonus. A fitting title for such a stellar relationship.
I was expecting to like Win Win, I just wasn’t expecting to borderline love it. When everything these days seems to be geared towards unnecessary sequels, unnecessary originals and trying to justify the notion of filming The Great Gatsby in 3D, it’s so damn refreshing to come across a minor gem like this that knows the strength of a great script and a solid cast regardless of budget. It does take a bit to get going, but once Kyle enters the picture, it’s really something the way everything just starts coming together. Very funny, very genuine, and if there’s a sign that we’re finally making our way out of the dreaded movie-going months of that bastard child January and it’s asshole brother February, this is it, folks. At least February had Cedar Rapids, but either way, glad things are starting to look up.
Awesome wrestling scenes, too, especially since I’m of the mindset that wrestling is the dumbest sport on the planet…at least professional wrestling. Never quite smelled what The Rock was cooking.
Crazy weekend = No review = Global sadness
So it was my good buddy Fred’s 25th birthday this past weekend and, whaddaya know, we ended up doing karaoke ’til 4am. Epic story short, been a bit tied up with the recuperation process to pull myself off the couch and bang out a review. A thousand apologies, but such is life when you roll with Fred. Will be back tomorrow, got a great new movie to write about, and if you’d been there to see us do “Love Shack“, you’d totally understand.
And the best alien invasion movie is…
DISTRICT 9!
Damn, son, Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum can’t be happy about this one. Wasn’t too crazy about Wikus and his prawns myself, but hey, maybe it’s about damn time I gave it another go since this won by a freakin’ mile.
So way to go, folks. You done voted good.
RESULTS:
– District 9: 12 votes
– Independence Day: 5 votes
– Close Encounters of the Third Kind: 5 votes
– Predator: 7 votes
– The Thing: 5 votes (would have been my vote)
– Invasion of the Body Snatchers (any of ’em): 3 votes
– They Live: 3 votes (so awesome)
– Dark City: 4 votes (really need to see that again)
– Signs: 3 votes
– War of the Worlds (either of ’em): 3 votes
– Mars Attacks!: 1 vote
– Men in Black: 1 vote
– Cloverfield: 1 vote
– The Day the Earth Stood Still (not the Keanu version): 1 vote
– Other: 1 vote for Alien (yeah, I guess that was an invasion of sorts), 1 vote for Fire in the Sky (need to check that out), and 1 vote for Dude, Where’s My Car? (to each his own…you burnout, you).
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 
