Deadgirl (2008)

VERDICT:
4/10 Zombie Brothels

Inspired idea, weak execution, and an idiotic display of puberty at its worst.

Deadgirl is about two high school slackers who decide to kill some time after class by getting drunk in an abandoned insane asylum and trashing the place because destroying shit is fun. Then they head down to the creepy basement, and whaddaya know, they find a naked girl down in the back corner of the boiler room who’s been chained to a gurney by godknowswho for godknowshowlong. After a series of unfortunately sadistic events, they come to realize that this girl can’t be killed, that she’s in fact some smokin’ hot, spaced-out Highlander or something, so, naturally, one of the kids considers this a golden opportunity to start banging her. Being that the other kid isn’t exactly down with raping chicks – especially the ones who may or may not be human and smell like week-old beef – he tries to stay out of it and maybe even help the girl out, but then word starts spreading in the hallways about their choice find and shit starts getting crazy.

Man, sorry for the long synopsis that could have been summed up with “horny teens raping a zombie for 100 minutes”. But anyway, it probably goes without saying that this movie isn’t for everyone. It’s definitely not your typical zombie movie and it definitely falls in with some of the more fucked up things I’ve come across in a while, but by the same token, I can definitely see how this could peak some interest.

If there’s any one reason this movie gained itself a 4, it’s because this is some new territory we’re dealing with. I’ve seen Dawn of the Dead, I’ve seen The Last House on the Left, but I can’t say that I’ve ever seen the two combined, and I gotta admit, this is some pretty deviant shit. And the best part about this aspect of Deadgirl is that it leaves you guessing from one scene to the next. Even though I knew about the premise way ahead of time, I really had no idea how this movie was gonna play out after the boinking starts up since it seemed a bit ridiculous that more than one kid would be interested in getting their jollies with a semi-corpse. Apparently my high school years were pretty sheltered ’cause I completely underestimated what a teenage boy’s testosterone is capable of when a naked female gets thrown into the mix.

But that’s the kicker with this one. On the one hand, yeah-fucking-right would anyone in their right mind have sex with this girl. If for some reason I ever ended up in an abandoned insane asylum and stumbled across a zombie in shackles, you can bet my mojo would be killed in a hot second and I would take immediate action to start killing this bitch with fire before the douchebag next to me starts unzipping his fly. Sex is most definitely not on the menu. I think I speak for an overwhelming majority of mankind on this matter, but on the other hand, that’s the whole movie and you just kinda have to go with it I suppose. Not a movie worth asking questions over when the only answer around is, “But she’s a hot zombie.”

I don’t know, folks. Gotta take it or leave it with this one, but on some totally unrealistic and twisted level, it does work.

So that’s the “good” stuff, but then there’s everything else which pretty much boils down to the acting and writing.

Man, this is a situation where the acting is so freakin’ bad that you almost feel pity for the individuals involved. I don’t know how Shiloh Fernandez landed a major role in Red Riding Hood after this (then again, word on the street is that movie does meet his standards), because he’s effing awful. Also a bummer to see that Noah Segan got the same memo since I seem to remember him being pretty solid in Brick, but, yeah, awful as well. Man, everyone in this movie is awful and it’s hard to get into specifics because it never really lets up. Although, in their defense, their dialogue could not have been worse and that shameful honor goes to screenwriter Trent Haaga. Fine, the plot he’s put together does have its moments, but this dude has no grasp whatsoever as to how human beings actually talk or behave and it shows like you wouldn’t believe. After all, this movie is about PEOPLE HAVING SEX WITH A ZOMBIE. But, yeah, Daniel Day-Lewis couldn’t salvage these lines, no one could.

And poor Jenny Spain as the Deadgirl herself. Must have been one awkward premiere for her to sit through, what with her getting sexed the whole time and looking like a demonic, bare-assed meth freak from beginning to end. Geez, how do you even walk out of the theater after something like that let alone show up to begin with? Whatever, a conversation for another day.

All these detractors are really too bad since there’s definitely potential here for a noteworthy horror movie, but it just fails so hard on too many levels. And it’s not a scary movie by any means, especially since the scares that are here are all cheap. Not that I’m complaining about how wrong it is since that’s what I signed up for, I just wish it had gone heavier on how wrong this stuff is and laid off the gore a tad. Gore’s been done already, it’s the other stuff that’s putting asses in the seats.

I’m still on the fence as to whether or not I should have given this a 3 because so much of this movie really does suck. It ain’t easy to ignore the acting, the dialogue and the idea that teenage boys could reach a level of such desperate hornyness that they’d justify knocking boots with a zombie, but there is something to be said about this premise. It’s shamelessly warped, I was generally surprised by the direction it went in, and as tasteless as it may be, it was pretty easy to get caught up in the originality of it all. Deadgirl isn’t an easy movie to recommend for a lot of reasons and it’s probably not a movie I’d recommend anyway, but if more key elements hadn’t been flat-out garbage, I might have been singin’ a different tune here.

One more reason to stick with the good ol’ human race for your lovemakin’ needs.