The Orphanage (2007)

VERDICT:
9/10 Ghetto Adoption Agencies

I’m thoroughly convinced that if I had seen this movie when it was out in theaters that I probably would have crapped my pants in public. Not since the time someone called my house phone while I was watching The Ring for the first time have I been so completely terrified by such a good horror movie.

The Orphanage is about a woman, her husband, and her adopted son that return to live in the orphanage that the woman grew up in. One day the woman’s son goes missing during a party at their home and she spends the next eight months searching for him, all the while uncovering the dark past of the orphanage in the process.

You live in an abandoned orphanage. The whole dark past thing should pretty much be a given. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

I was trying to think of what other classic horror movies The Orphanage reminded me of while I was watching it, but after I while it all kind of blurred together. The Shining, The Devil’s Backbone, The Ring, The Others. The director, Juan Antonio Bayona, takes something from all of these movies and turns it into something all his own. It’s also just further proof of a tried and true formula for horror movies: creepy kids scare the shit out of people.

And it is so freakin’ great to be reminded that you don’t need blood, gore, or excessive special effects to make not only a truly frightening horror movie, but one that’s also very well made and very well told. It doesn’t rely on shock value, it’s not trying to gross you out, the scares aren’t cheap, and the characters aren’t stupid.

All these things are hard to come by in horror movies nowadays.

The story is fantastic, the acting is really good – especially from the son who goes missing – and even though there’s subtitles, you’ll hardly even notice ’em. The mess in your pants will take your mind off that anyway.

Look, I love horror movies, and even though I’m a total wuss when it comes to sitting through them, it’s not often that they really stick with me after the credits roll. But The Orphanage, man…I was tossing around in bed all last night just waiting for the closet door to open up and to see a kid with a sack on his head staring me in the face.

Needless to say, I am very tired as I write this review.

I don’t know what more I can say outside of The Orphanage is one of the best and most legitimately scary horror movies I’ve seen in ages. I’m recommending it to anyone and everyone that has the slightest interest in horror movies or is just looking for a good time.

Just don’t watch it alone. Not sure why I made the same mistake two nights in a row.