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Splinter (2008)

July 28, 2009

7/10 Great Reasons To Just Stay At A Hotel

Chances are you missed this one last year, but, man, this is some crazy shit.

Splinter is about a couple that head out to go camping for their anniversary, the two meth freaks running from the law that take them hostage on their way to Mexico, and the horribly fucked up parasite from the lowest depths of Hell that’s trying to kill them while they hole up in a gas station in the middle of nowhere.

Thanks a lot, meth freaks.

So as far as horror movies go, this one is far more eerie than it is flat-out scary. But at the same time, it continually managed to drop my jaw to the floor as I muttered “Holy shit!” to myself more times than I care to remember.

There’s absolutely God-awful acting on pretty much everyone’s part and the characters are all typical, stupid horror movie victims that will inevitably have you screaming, “Just stay in the fucking gas station!” time and again. And usually this kind of thing doesn’t bother me, but it’s just annoying having to listen to a script where everyone’s just cursing for the sake of cursing. I don’t hang out with people like that, why would I want to hang out with people like that? Good luck in that gas station.

So I realize this hasn’t exactly been the most glowing review, and I was tempted to give it a 6 out of 10 because of everything I just mentioned, but then again, there’s the “splinter monster”, which is the name I have given it. And no, I have no idea where I come up with these names.

The splinter monster is just one of the most original and straight-up horrifying movie creatures I’ve come across since John Carpenter’s The Thing (and if you like horror movies, dear God, see The Thing). It comes out of nowhere, it’s totally ruthless, and its only motivation is to kill. And kill it does…quite brutally in fact.

It’s pretty rare to see original horror movie monsters that don’t feel like knock-offs and actually tap into the realm of nightmares to the point where what you’re seeing on-screen completely goes against what you’re familiar with and defies explanation. Last one before this that I was impressed by was actually the Cloverfield monster; different kind of feel, but honorable mention all the same.

And that’s why Splinter works in spite of its flaws. The monster is fresh, it is messed up, and the ways in which it mindlessly butchers the human body will make your skin crawl. I’m trying not to give too much away without spoiling anything, but I’ll end my rant by reiterating that the splinter monster is absolutely awesome in a totally fucked up kind of way.

Splinter‘s not rewriting the genre or anything, but if you’re looking for a fun, twisted horror movie that will make you double check the locks on all your doors before hitting the sack, give this one a watch.

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