31 Day Movie Meme
So the reviews don’t start up again ’til Monday, but since I’m chomping at the bit here and need to write something before I go NUTS, I’m thowing down my contribution to this 31 Day Movie Meme that’s making its way around movie nerdosphere. Nothin’ fancy, just a crap load of sweet movie questions for me to answer in short, you know the drill. Well, hope you dig it and glad to be back in action.
Sequel That Shouldn’t Have Been Made:
The Godfather: Part III (was this close to putting The Color of Money).
Favorite Oscar-Nominated Film from a Recent Ballot:
Up was my favorite movie of ’09, but I keep going back to A Single Man for some reason.
A Movie That Makes Me Laugh Everytime:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail, of course.
A Movie I Loathe:
Kids.
Movie That Makes Me Cry Everytime:
Searching for Bobby Fischer.
Least Favorite Movie by a Favorite Actor:
Play Misty for Me - Clint Eastwood (will go into further detail during the inevitable Clint marathon).
Movie That Should Be Required High School Viewing:
Stand By Me.
Best Scene Ever:
Damn…gonna have to go with Harry Dunne and his explosive diarrhea.
Movie I Thought I Wouldn’t Like but Ended Up Loving:
Observe and Report comes to mind, one of the proud few in that category.
A Movie That Disappointed:
Where to begin…recently revisiting Return of the Jedi was quite the bummer.
Best Music in a Scene:
Absolutely love The Jesus and Mary Chain’s “Just Like Honey” at the end of Lost in Translation.
Favorite Animated Movie:
Beauty and the Beast.
Favorite Black & White Film:
12 Angry Men.
Best Musical:
Once.
Favorite Guilty Pleasure Movie:
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America.
Favorite Series of Related Movies:
Lord of the Rings.
Favorite Title Sequence:
Pi.
Best Movie Cast:
The Dirty Dozen.
Favorite Kiss:
Gene Simmons. Drawing a blank on this one outside of all the ravenous face-sucking in Brokeback.
Favorite Romantic Couple:
Harold and Maude.
Favorite Final Line:
Stand By Me – “I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?”
Best Action Scene:
The T-800 climbing out the back of a moving pickup and onto the hood of the T-1000′s tanker trunk, then taking out an automatic rifle and lighting that gooey bastard up until the clip empties, then flipping the single-handedly flipping that sucker over like a total badass in T2. That was awesome.
The Quote I Use Most Often:
“Easy peasy Japanesy” – Brooks from Shawshank.
A Movie I Plan on Watching:
A second viewing of Mulholland Dr. has been in order for a while now. This is a ridiculous question, by the way.
Freakishly Weird Ending:
The Fountain.
Best Villain:
No idea why he’s the first one who comes to mind, but Clarence Boddicker was one awesome sonofabitch.
Most Overhyped Movie:
The folks behind Iron Man 2 sure could have toned it town a bit.
Movie Seen More Than Ten Times:
Was on a real Matrix kick for a while there in middle school.
Saddest Character Death:
I feel like I’m forgetting an obvious one here, but Jean-Do’s in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly was a tear-jerker.
Scene That Made Me Stand Up and Cheer:
George McFly cold-clocking Biff Tannen. Hell yeah.
Ahhhhhhhh.
Good to get that out of the system. Alright, back to the reviews…
“Sorry, folks. Blog’s closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya’.”
Folks, it’s Summer, and I need a vacation. So that’s why I’m taking one. Problem solved.
With that being said, no reviews for a couple weeks, but fear not, The Crap will go back to the Cutting board on September 6th at the same Bat time, same Bat channel. Yup, it’s one of them long vacations, but rest assured, it will be awesome.
So until then, enjoy the rest of August, enjoy the hell out of Piranha 3D, and enjoy Zeroes!
http://www.break.com/usercontent/2007/4/21/Zeroes-278568.html
And the worst movie mom of all-time is…
CARRIE WHITE’S MOM!
Fred Phelps, eat your heart out. In a perfect world, this lovely gal could have been yours. I’m betting that she really hates Comic-Con, too.
Folks, call your moms and tell ‘em how much ya’ love ‘em. Things could have been a lot worse, so at least thank ‘em for not actively trying to murder you.
Good voting as usual. I will miss you all dearly this month.
RESULTS:
- Mrs. Robinson: 0 votes (either there were some seriously bad moms on this list or I totally misread this woman)
- Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest: 4 votes (still need to see that)
- Mary Tyler Moore in Ordinary People: 2 votes (totally would have been my vote)
- Carrie’s mom: 9 votes
- Ma Fratelli from The Goonies: 5 votes
- Mo’Nique in Precious: 6 votes (was clearly good enough for the welfare)
- Pam Voorhees: 2 votes
- Mrs. Bates: 2 votes (chick was ugly)
- Cinderella’s stepmom: 3 votes
- Angela Lansbury in The Manchurian Candidate: 5 votes (Meryl Streep was also a total beast in the remake)
- Other: 1 vote for “The mom from Home Alone who keeps forgetting about her youngest child” (one time was bad, but two times? good god, lady)
Eat Pray Love (2010)
VERDICT:
4/10 Emergency Sabbaticals
Well, I heard the book was good.
Eat Pray Love is about a woman who goes through an ugly divorce, quickly rebounds into a relationship with a younger guy, quickly realizes that she’s a mess and shacking up with a struggling actor isn’t helping, so she quickly jumps to the conclusion that she’s gonna take a year off. And so begins her quest to rediscover the woman she once was by eating ’til her pants burst in Italy, praying herself silly at an ashram in India and allowing herself to love again with a saucy Brazilian stud she meets over in Bali.
I might be the last person on Earth who can claim this, but I’ve never read the book this is based off of. I know, I need to get my head out of the sand and get in touch with my inner-woman stat, but all the same, I feel like something must have gotten lost in translation.
Folks, Summer’s almost over, just read the book before you run out of time. But, hey, if you’re interested in getting the whole rundown, hop on over to FlickSided to get the skinny.
http://flicksided.com/2010/08/movie-review-eat-pray-love-2010/
Happy Monday, y’all!
Q & A
So after digging the hell out of Hatter’s latest post where his most epic fan club (me included) outright barraged him with more blogging/movie questions than any man would know what to do with, I couldn’t help but be jealous of the guy. So on that note, I’ve added a new “Q & A” page up there at the top as a tribute of sorts – carrying along the torch, if you will. Seemed like as good a time as any to kick this baby in to gear with all the meme love and general nostalgia that’s been going around as of late, so shoot me all your movie/blogging/Vietnam questions if you feel so inclined and I’d just be tickled pink to answer ‘em in this ongoing little experiment of mine.
So once again, thanks way in advance for reading, writing and all that good stuff, giddy as a toddler with some Pixy Stix to see how this plays out.
And go see Scott Pilgrim already!
The Films That Defined Me
So my man Marc over at Go, See, Talk! has put together this nifty little meme asking all us nerds to run down by genre all the movies that shaped our celluloid minds. Some of these might be repeats, but they’re all from the heart, and isn’t that what really matters?
Beautiful, Aiden. Just beautiful.
Well, here we go…
HORROR
Child’s Play & Evil Dead II
Yeah, it’s pretty stupid, pretty dated and as un-freightening as you can get by today’s standards, but due to a series of unfortunate events involving a highly impressionable five-year-old Aiden walking into the last fifteen minutes of this movie and witnessing Chucky holding a butcher knife over a boy who looked an awful lot like yours truly, this sure did the trick. Not the best horror movie by any means, but the only one I’ve ever had a healthy fear of for an outrageously lengthy amount of time. It wasn’t until stumbling upon Evil Dead II (my personal fave) in High School that I gained a entirely newfound respect for the genre, but that ginger doll still creeps me out like no other.
ACTION
The Matrix
Literally must have watched this 30+ times when I finally got it on VHS back in the day. Still mindblowing, still cool as hell, favorite fight scene is probably between Neo and Smith in the train station, I just couldn’t get enough of this thing. One of the all-time great action movies.
SCI-FI
Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope
Hard to beat the day I discovered Star Wars, though I do have fond memories watching 2001 and Planet of the Apes with my dad during a Summer-long sci-fi fest in Junior High. All classics.
DOCUMENTARY
Bowling for Columbine
Yeah, it didn’t come out until I was in High School, but this was probably when I finally realized that ”documentary” wasn’t the same thing as “boring way to spend two hours”. Not too keen on the whole Chuck Heston scene as I once was, and it took me a while to realize that this movie is about far more than just gun control, but Michael Moore sure did a bang-up job of breaking through my preconceived notions. Thanks, buddy.
COMEDY
Monty Python and the Holy Grail & Dumb and Dumber
The only two times I’ve ever watched a movie and had to hold my groin for two hours straight because I was that close to passing out from laughter and pissing myself in public. Actually ran into The Gas Man on the train the other day and somehow gathered up the cojones to tell him, “You were great in Dumb and Dumber. You just made my day.” The dude was beaming, we shook hands, he waved to me while leaving the train long after the moment had ended, it was beautiful. One of the many perks of living in NYC and having a Rain Man-like memory for C-list actors.
DRAMA
Ordinary People & Glengarry Glen Ross
Was tempted to say Braveheart for this one since that really threw me for a loop as a youngster – enough so that I had it at my #1 spot for a while – but Ordinary People really is in a league of its own. First movie I ever owned, still one of the greatest family dramas you’ll ever find, unbelievable acting and writing, shook me right to the core. And as for Glengarry, it’s the best script I’ve ever heard. Like a darker, meaner version of 12 Angry Men, it’s one of the greatest examples of what you can do with great writing and a room full of guys who know how to act and say the F-word like a pro.
WESTERN
Once Upon a Time in the West
The first Western I remember liking was Tombstone, but it wasn’t until I saw Once Upon a Time in High School that I truly fell in love with the genre. Leone at his best, amazing that he managed to outdo himself after Good, Bad, Ugly. That Charlie Bronson and Henry Fonda were no freakin’ joke. You know, Once Upon a Time in High School actually sounds like a pretty damn good idea. Just what The Breakfast Club was missing.
THRILLER
Jagged Edge
Man, I haven’t seen this in ages, no idea if it’s as good as I remember, but I was all about it back in the day. Seems to be one of those movies that time forgot, but a pretty wild mystery thriller worth checking out all the same.
SPORTS
Breaking Away
I wish I had actually paid more attention to Hoosiers as a kid, because I’m thinking that would have been a top contender for this spot, but after resently revisiting Breaking Away, this one’s hard to deny. REFUND?!?!
FANTASY
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Still need to get around to this LotR marathon I keep pushing back, but this was a game-changer for me, far more so than the sequels. So much better than the book (at least those painfully boring first hundred pages in the Shire), must have seen it at least three times in theaters and was one of the few movies I was flat-out giddy to own on DVD. Just amazing on every front. Awesome.
Can’t think of any more genres to run through right now, so that’s a wrap until further notice. Hop on over to GST to check out the rest of the entries and join in the love, they will change your life.
Back to the Future (1985)
One of the best time travel movies out there and the ultimate go-to when no one can come to a consensus on what the hell to watch.
Back to the Future is about High School kid who just can’t seem to catch a break in his one-horse town, that is until his friend – a mad scientist, naturally – turns a ridiculous sports car into a time machine and accidentally sends him thirty years into the past to the days when his parents were still single. Lo and behold, he ends up altering history, his mom starts hitting on him instead of his dad, and he spends the rest of his short time in the Fifties struggling to get back home and make things right so that his mom will stop trying to get him in the sack.
Man, what’s not to love about this movie? This is right up there with Raiders of the Lost Ark and Ghostbusters in that no matter how much time goes by, no matter how many inferior sequels/remakes get churned out (because, let’s face it, this is totally gonna get remade one day, and probably with Zac Efron), no matter how young, old, masculine, feminine, dead or alive you are, Back to the Future is one of those rare gems that will always be awesome. It’s hard to single out one thing about what’s made this movie so iconic over the years because it’s pretty much a total blast from start to finish, but the best way I can sum this up is that it’s a textbook example of how you make a bangin’ Summer blockbuster without having to sacrifice quality or originality.
And on top of that, it’s working with time travel. What a pain in the ass.
When you consider all the plotholes that a film maker has to be constantly avoiding along with the inevitable meningitis-inducing afterthoughts that come with trying to figure out whether or not the characters will keep going back in time and re-live their lives for all of eternity after everything’s said and done, the genre can tend to be pretty hit-or-miss. You take a movie like Primer and you’re more or less resigned to taking Nyquil on a daily basis just to calm your brain down enough to get a good 2 hours of sleep, but the thing that director Robert Zemeckis and writer Bob Gale do well throughout is that they keep it simple. Nothing too tricky, just give it the old A Sound of Thunder treatment, throw in a pimped out time machine and outright refuse to waste a minute with anything that’s going to remotely bore the audience. A solid formula if there ever was one, no idea why it isn’t followed more religiously.
But from the outrageous increase in DeLorean sales that this spurred to the “Flux Capacitor” practically earning its way into Webster’s to every last running gag about the reality of living in the ’80s to the fact that every single actor in this movie will always be remembered as Biff, Doc or one of the McFlys, there’s something almost magical about this movie. It’s just pure fun, it’s like a thrill ride that you just want to get right back on line for as soon as it spits you back out, and even though you know all know all the dips, turns and loops by heart, they’re just as exhilarating as they were that first time over the hill. Heavy, I know, but you gotta love that constant sense of urgency this movie has going for it that pits Marty in one insanely time-constrained and impossible-to-solve situation after another right up until that clock tower bites it.
And the cast really is great. Christopher Lloyd - who has tragically fallen off the face of the Earth - is so freakin’ good as Doc Brown. He’s got that “neurotic Einstein” shtick down pat with those bug eyes and permanently-electrified hair and he’s a perfect opposite to Marty’s too-cool-for-school life preserver and matching Huey-Lewis-is-my-personal-Jesus attitude. Thomas Wilson plays Biff Tannen – the quintessential meathead asshole – to a tee, and Lea Thompson is fantastic as Mary’s mom, Lorraine. But Crispin Glover (aka: Earth’s Creepiest Human) is the man as George McFly. Damn, when he clenches up that fist of his and cold clocks Biff like a total badass outside the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance? You’re a filthy liar if you’ve didn’t cheer out loud during that scene.
And, of course, there’s Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly, and what a dreamboat he is. Mike is so damn likable as Marty, he fits the role like a glove (sorry, Eric Stoltz), and like we all didn’t want to just run outside, steal a kid’s skateboard and grab on to the back of the nearest pick up truck as soon this movie ended ’cause of him. God, Michael J. Fox rules.
Man, it blows my mind when I meet people over ten-years-old who still haven’t seen this movie. Not that it’s gonna be any worse if the first time you see it is on your deathbed, but Back to the Future is synonymous with my youth and it’s just as great with each new time I revisit it. Still have no idea have Marty and Doc got together in the first place, but whatever, this movie is a total riot and you’d be hard-pressed to find a more enjoyable way to spend two hours plopped in front of your TV. It’s not a 10, but it’s close.
Did make for a pretty awesome ride at Universal Studios though.
Knife in the Water (1962)
VERDICT:
4/10 Lazy Rivers
A bit too artsy-fartsy for its own good.
Knife in the Water is about a middle-aged guy and his young wife who pick up a hitcher after nearly running him over on their way to the marina for a weekend sailing getaway. For some reason or another, the husband decides to invite the drifter along after chewing him out like no other, so they set out for the open seas and thus begins one of the strangest and most awkward weekend excursions this side of that time they went to Bernie’s.
So aside from recently touting The Fountain as one of the greatest movies of the past decade despite my being the only person on Earth who probably thinks so, one of my biggest embarrassments as a “critic” these days is how wildly unfamiliar I still am with Roman Polanski’s long, affluent, and generally treasured career. You’d think that his making the headlines as the new NAMBLA spokesman as of late would have at least prompted me to finally get around to Chinatown or Rosemary’s Baby, but it wasn’t until a recent conversation with a co-worker who’s big into the whole French New Wave thing that I finally got around to expanding my horizons with this cheeky Pol instead of just calling it a day with The Pianist and The Ghost Writer.
As much as I’d like to say that I’ve been a goddamn jackass for bumping this down on the queue for so long, it’s usually not a good sign when you start a movie and then proceed to take a two-hour nap at the start of the final Act. Yeah, I was coming off an all-day training at work so I was a bit tuckered out from partaking in some thirty-odd icebreakers, but it really didn’t help that the movie got exceedingly worse from the time I woke up again and hit PLAY. But whatcha gonna do?
So everything that works about this movie leads right back to Polanski. There’s something to be said for anyone who can make a halfway decent movie that revolves entirely around three folks on a bite-sized schooner, let alone make it look absolutely gorgeous from start to finish, but that’s exactly what he does. For a debut effort, it’s hard to ignore his skill behind the camera and he does a great job of cranking up the strangely uncomfortable suspense when it’s not just dragging along. Man, beautiful cinematography, and for such an oldie, it’s pretty amazing how these fantastically simple images don’t feel dated in the least. A saving grace if there ever was one.
But then there’s everything else, and I don’t really know where to place to blame.
You’d think that one of the big requirements that comes with a movie making it into the Criterion Collection is that it’s been remastered to a point of near-perfection, right? Call me crazy, but those DVDs don’t come cheap for a reason. But oddly enough, this here is the exception to the rule as it seems like maybe 70%-80% of the dialogue was actually translated from Polish to English while the rest of it just sits there defiantly in its native language, leaving me desperate to know what in the eff they’re talking about far more often than I would have cared to. I’m guessing that a good deal of it is just stuff they say in passing, but it really offsets the dialogue as a whole and it does a huge disservice to the script when you have to piece it together for yourself. Why this happened, I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: it sucks. Someone needs to write a letter.
But that’s not the only problem with the dialogue. Everything about these characters, their actions and their conversations didn’t feel genuine in the least, it just felt weird and all too often lacked motive, explanation or normal human emotion. One particular encounter between the wife and the hitcher at the end of the story felt completely out of the blue and unprovoked and I really didn’t know what the hell to make of it, especially since it’s clearly intended to be a huge turning point in the dynamic between the three characters. I don’t know, there were a lot of times where the characters inexplicably go from one emotional extreme to another and not enough consistency in terms of maintaining plausible lines of thought which lead to plausible courses of action. Just too many “What did that come from?” moments.
The acting is fine from our three characters and I guess they do their best with the material, but it’s hard for me to develop a connection when I have no explanation for their wacko behavior.
If I had seen this in a Film Studies class with some hoity-toity prof analyzing the shit out of it, something tells me I would have come away with more than I did, but as is, Knife in the Water might not have been the best place to start my long-overdue journey through Polanksi’s life works. There are certainly some great aspects about it and it does edge towards something awesome, but I gotta say, “snoozefest” is the word of the day right now. All I know is that the next time I see this – which I hope to someday considering that people tend to hold this baby in very high regard – I’m bringing along a 5-Hour Energy shot for the ride and someone had better fix these damn subtitles.
The Fountain (2006)
VERDICT:
9/10 Preventable Deaths
A wildly under-appreciated stroke of brilliance…even if I’m the only one who thinks so.
The Fountain is about a 16th Century Spanish Conquistador who sets out to find the Tree of Life in the name of his Queen and restore Spain to its former glory before it’s conquered by outside forces. It’s also about a modern-day brain surgeon of sorts who copes (or doesn’t) with his wife’s fatal illness by spending every waking hour working to invent a cure for her instead of spending their final hours together by her side. And since everyone knows that two cross-generational intertwining story lines is never enough, it’s also about a man traveling through space with a big ol’ tree in a bubble to find a dying star that is said to bring people back from the grave.
And as I came to find very early on, this is exactly what divides the world in terms of those who regard this movie as a confusing mess and those who continue to preach the gospel of Darren Aronofsky from on high. As you’ve probably gathered by now, I’m situated quite nicely in the latter camp, but I’d be nothing short of the most pompous douche on the planet if I claimed to know what the hell is going on here even after two viewings. This was one of those rare instances where I had a movie on the brain to such an intense degree that the first thing I did when I walked through my front door was boot up my computer and spend the next two hours scouring message boards trying to figure out what I had just sat through. The only other time that’s ever happened was when I unsuccessfully tried to decode what the hell The Architect was rambling about in The Matrix Reloaded, but the lesson to take away from all this is that it’s rare for me to happen upon a movie that doesn’t quite make sense but keeps me coming back for more.
Granted, Aronofsky hasn’t exactly made a name for himself by being one of the most accessible directors out there, but that right there is so much of the draw. From Pi to The Wrestler, all his movies are a mental and emotional challenge that make you work for it, it’s never an easy trip getting there (“ass to ass”, anyone?), and The Fountain is no different. The plot is almost non-sequential to a fault, it’s extremely hard to make heads or tails out of the characters and whether or not they’re real/all the same person since they’re all played by the same two actors, and when the time finally comes where you think you might have a grasp on what’s going on, the last ten minutes or so will confirm your suspicions that you have no fucking clue whatsoever.
This is the same reason I’m still very hesitant to give Mulholland Dr. a second watch, but for some reason it works here and I love how it just adds to the ambiguity of it all. It really is a fascinating mediation on living in the face of death and the timeless pros and cons that come with the notion of immortality, and for the complaints I can pick out of here in terms of structure and whatnot, the wholly original, relatable and borderline profound insights this script poses on a subject that will always be a topic of discussion completely overshadow the weaknesses (which I happen to consider selling points anyway).
But the most immediately apparent strength that Aronofsky has going for him here are his visuals. Man, these freakin’ visuals, I don’t even know what to say. Just such a painstakingly crafted and utterly jaw-dropping feast for the retinas that completely blows away all the smoke and mirrors that we’ve grown so used to over the past couple years. God, I really can’t spell this out, it’s impossible, but the best I got is that it’s like watching an artist at work and if there’s any one quality about The Fountain that the haters and lovers can agree upon, it’s this. Absolutely unreal, worth seeing for this alone regardless of what you think of everything else.
Same goes for the soundtrack by Mogwai and the Kronos Quartet (the guys behind the “ass to ass” theme song). Breathtaking stuff, right up there with Jonny Greenwood’s There Will Be Blood score in how I have no idea how it got snubbed for an Oscar nom. One of the few soundtracks I actually own.
And playing our tragic, star-crossed lovers are Hugh Jackman as Tommy and Rachel Weisz as his wife, Izzi. Now, there’s not a whole lot that needs to be said about Weisz, because Weisz the simply bomb and she’s solid as usual here. Good character and good counterpoint to Tommy. But the real surprise is Jackman. For a guy who’s probably never gonna escape his Adamantium skeleton and the claws that came with, he gives a great, tortured and very emotional performance that I had no idea he was capable of. Would love to see more stuff like this from him, dude carries the story along wonderfully.
But as much as I love this movie and consider it one of the greats of the past decade, that’s just me. After I first saw this movie and found myself flat-out floored by it long before the credits rolled, I went ahead and started recommending this to family and friends high and low, and much to my surprise, everyone was very polite in agreeing that I owed them all twelve bucks for passing up The Departed in lieu of this…thing. So with that being said, I can very much understand how newcomers might not fawn over The Fountain, but I still say give it a shot. Not every day you see something like this, and those visuals really are something else.
And if anyone’s interested, here’s my take on the stories: the Spanish Conquistador thing didn’t actually happen, that’s just Izzi’s story being acted out, but the rest – Wolverine discovering the Tree of Life growing out of his wife’s grave, getting all semi-immortal thanks to all the bark he eats, inventing a space bubble as he tattoos the shit out of himself while heading towards Xibalba way in the future – that all happened. No idea if it’s right or what, but I’m going with it. Talk amongst yourselves.
And the ultimate cowboy is…
CLINT!
Can’t say I was expecting a landslide in the least, but it’s never easy to go up against a god, now is it? You’re still the man, Johnny, but the people have spoken.
RESULTS:
- Eastwood: 30 votes
- Wayne: 7 votes
Man, what a badass.
Mother (2009)
VERDICT:
8/10 Helicopter Moms
Man, chalk up another one for South Korea.
Mother is about an aging back-alley acupuncturist whose mentally handicapped son winds up being scapegoated for the murder of a local High School girl. She goes to the cops, they turn out to be corrupt and unwilling to re-open the case, she goes to a lawyer, he’s about as useful as a noose, and before long she realizes that if she’s ever going to vindicate her boy, she’s gonna have to take matters in her own hands, whatever the cost may be.
So this here is the sophomore full-length effort by South Korean wonder boy Bong Joon-ho (or Joon-ho Bong, I really have no idea), a guy who I hear has been kicking a whole lot of ass since his debut, The Host, ended up being the biggest thing to hit S.K. since…well, I don’t know what. They did host the Summer Olympics back in ’88, so that was probably a big deal. God, I’m sheltered…
Anyway, I wish I had more to say on the guy, but as it sometimes happens when I try to multitask watching a subtitled movie while surfing the internet (horrible idea), I never really gave The Host the fair shot it deserved and still to this day don’t have much of opinion on the matter outside walking away from it with a vague sense of satisfaction that I couldn’t put my finger on. But after learning from my mistakes and giving Mother my full, undivided attention this past weekend, I think I’m gonna be following suit with The Host again any day now.
Now, this is one crazy little movie. Based on the trailers, I went into this thinking I knew exactly what the tone was gonna be and what I was setting myself up for (something along the lines of The Lives of Others), but then the opening credits boot up and we’re treated to a completely unexplained and strangely awesome solo interpretive dance routine from our vigilante mom in the middle of a beautiful open field. It’s weird, it definitely isn’t the way The Lives of Others starts out, and as soon as I double-checked to make sure I popped in the right disc, I smiled and realized that I was in for something else.
And that right there is kinda Mother in a nutshell. It blends this otherwise very serious situation about a seemingly victimized kid who has no means of defending himself from the fate that befalls him and his poverty-stricken mother who will walk to the ends of the Earth and back to prove to the world that her helpless son is an innocent man with this quirky, deadpan and oddly tragic sense of humor that does a great job of taking the edge off and in turn accentuating the seriousness of the situation when there really isn’t a whole lot to laugh about. It can’t be easy to juggle these conflicting tones from start to finish while cranking up the suspense and keeping the audience guessing with each new turn, but Bong’s pretty much the man when it comes to this and it’s a big reason why this movie stands out from your everyday South Korean murder mystery.
It’s also a visual stunner not only when it comes to the cinematography, but apparently the South Korean countryside is effing gorgeous, too. Who knew?
The acting is also great from everyone involved, and considering that I tend to have a hard time judging whether or not someone’s got chops when I have to read all their lines at the same time, that sure counts for something. But the real dramatic force here is Kim Hye-ja as the mother, and not just because she’s such a kickass dancer. She’s an emotional powerhouse who gets it done without going overboard and it really is that much cooler when the junior detective on the case is the one woman you’d probably never imagine in the part. Great job.
I thought I knew exactly what to except from Mother, but aren’t the best surprises always the ones you don’t see coming? It takes a bit to get going, but once things start to unravel, it gets awfully intense and it’s hard not to get caught up in wanting to see how it all plays out.
Bong Joon-ho, man. This guy’s alright. Probably the coolest guy named “Bong” that I know.
Big Fish (2003)
VERDICT:
9/10 Tall Tales
One of the best movies out there about the universal power of storytelling.
Big Fish is about a middle-aged journalist with a son on the way who tries to make amends with his dying father in the hopes of hearing the real story of his long, unique life after being told nothing but grandiose fiction mixed with hints of reality about every little detail since the day he was born. Granted, those stories are absolutely fantastic, but
Now, when Tim Burton strikes out, he tends to strike out hard. Alice in Wonderland, Planet of the Apes, Mars Attacks! – you get the idea. But more often than not, Tim Burton is kinda the man and for a guy who’s made a career out of bringing nightmares to life in the most wonderful ways, it’s a little weird that one of his few “non-Burtonian” (copyright Cut The Crap Movie Reviews, 2010) efforts which doesn’t set out to traumatize out every last child in the room is actually one of the crowning achievements of his career. It’s a tonal mix between Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood and if there was ever a movie to come out in the past decade that reminds us why stories make the world go ’round, I think you’d be hard-pressed to find one that fits the bill any closer.
It’s a complicated meditation on fathers and sons, it’s a sprawling fairy tale that’s as strange as it is beautiful, and if Lost in Translation hadn’t come out the same year, this would have been an easy winner for Best Pic of ’03. The wildly imaginative script by John August paired with Burton’s signature way of bringing the barely imaginable to life in some truly vivid ways from a vast field of daffodils to Siamese twins performing in front of a Communist China SEO show makes for a great team that helps to move the plot along even when it starts to drag. There aren’t too many moments where you think, “That’s so Tim Burton,” but this thing’s got spectacle to burn all the same.
But unfortunately, the only somewhat questionable aspect of this movie is the cast.
Don’t get me wrong, Albert Finney is excellent as always as our aging man-for-all-seasons himself, Edward Bloom, (even if he does seem to be acting way older and more decrepit than he looks) and while I’m not a huge fan of Billy Crudup as his son (mainly because of that whole thing where he cheated on his pregnant wife to hook up with Claire Danes for a week, which is so incredibly lame), the real question goes back to whoever casted Ewan McGregor as Edward in his prime. See, Edward Bloom is a Southern boy, Albert Finney can pull off a deep Southern accent, and as much as I love Ewan McGregor, nothing about the guy helps me to bridge a connection between his real-life Scottish roots and Edward’s good ol’ boy pride. I don’t why I never really picked up on this until recently, but McGregor cannot pull off a deep Southern accent.
It’s an easy complaint to keep coming back to throughout the movie because it’s more or less inescapable, but since Edward Bloom is such a great protagonist and his life is so endlessly fantastical, McGregor does well to rise above his oral handicap and throw himself head first into Edward’s lust for life. The great thing about Edward is that even though a lot of what happens in his life probably doesn’t, that’s the big appeal and he makes you embrace the flavor in lieu of the facts.
I don’t know, have you ever just met someone who can turn the most mundane, happenstance occurrences into something bigger and more awe-inspiring than it probably has any right to be? That’s Edward Bloom. He’s mastered the art of story telling and, in a sense, it’s thanks to people like him and the folks who brought him to life that we watch movies in the first place. Stories are universal, stories well-told are timeless, and the life of Edward Bloom sure is one worth hearing.
So, writing about this movie seven years after it was first released and watching it for probably my fifth time this past week, Big Fish isn’t quite the surreal experience it once was, but there’s still so much to absolutely adore about this beautiful journey that it’s hard not to keep falling back in love with it. Up until the final Act, this was hovering at a solid 8, but, man, seeing this for the first time really is something else and hopefully it’ll speak to you on a very familiar level as it continues to do to me. In a world where story more often than not take a backseat to whatever’s gonna land the next sucker and their friends into a repeat viewing of the next Michael Bay masterpiece, it’s great to come across a movie that embraces it through and through. Geez, we need more Edward Blooms in the world.
The Happy 101 Award
Man, been a long time since a meme’s come across these parts, but big thanks to Dan the Man for sending the love my way. So after covering movies, music, desert islands and video games, here we’ve got a new little spin on things: ten things that bring me joy.
Not sure what the “101″ is all about, but this here’s a thing of beauty all the same. Well, get out the Kleenex. This one’s gonna be emotional.
10. Folks, there is nothing like drinking an ice cold beer in a hot shower. One of the great simple pleasures in life that too few people have had the pleasure to indulge in. Right up there with taking a bath in the dark and lying on the beach with absolutely nothing on your agenda outside of lotioning up, so don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.
9. Blogging. For all the days I just want to veg out and hurl my computer through the window before someone slips me the red pill and I find myself jacking into The Matrix, can’t really think of a whole lot of other accomplishments that have made me feel so productive and proud as Cut The Crap Movie Reviews has. Would place it higher on the list if it didn’t completely dominate any and all free time I have any more, but thanks to an all-star community of movie buffs and the lingering dream of some day moving in to Peter Travers’ office, the payoff is so worth the effort.
8. Music. Just went to see Arcade Fire at Madison Square Garden the other night, it was one of the Top Three best shows I’ve ever been to, and I’ve been to some good ones in my day. Been a music junkie for as long as I can remember and it’s mindblowing moments like these that remind me how effing awesome music always has been and will continue to be. Just wish we didn’t live in an age where Justin Bieber is taken seriously let alone worshipped like the golden-calf-with-a-bowl-cut that he is.
7. Movies. I think you get the idea.
6. Good food. Ladies, the way to a man’s heart is truly through his stomach. Don’t let those fascists at Cosmo sell you into eating their “600 NEW WAYS TO PROBE YOUR MAN!” horse shit. Put some shepherd’s pie in front of me and you have yourself one truly happy Aiden.
5. Meeting new people and experiencing new things. Life is too short and there’s a lot going on, gang, so step outside that comfort zone and broaden those horizons, you’ll be amazed by who and what you find. So deep, I know.
4. Reminiscing about college. Don’t long for it anymore like I did when I first entered into the dreaded “Real World”, but talk about an upgrade from High School. Best four years of my life (so far).
3. The friends. Living proof that good people attract good people. And, damn, do we know how to party.
2. The fam. Continually astounds me how many parents, aunts, uncles and cousins of mine actually read these foul-mouthed ramblings of mine, but even if they didn’t and chased me into the mountains for publishing this sick filth, I’d still be crazy about ‘em. Awesome parents, awesome step-parents, an awesome brother who’s 15 years my junior and is just getting into Star Wars in a big ol’ way, and an awesome extended family who couldn’t be closer if they tried. I consider myself very, very lucky.
1. My girlfriend, Audrey. Best friend, best roommate, best cook, best lookin’, best master ninja, best everything. No one else I’d rather pay to drag along to obscure foreign films and watch Father of the Bride marathons with. What a peach.
Boy, a good meme if I do say so myself.
And now for the next ten wonderful souls I’m forcing this thing upon. Forgive me for any repeats, but you are just loved that much more.
- Dan @ Top 10 Films (I love you)
- The Hatter @ The Dark of the Matinee (let’s get married)
- Darren @ the mOvie blog (I feel like I’ve known you all my life)
- Castor @ Anomalous Material (God, you’re awesome)
- Red @ Anomalous Material (you’re double awesome, just don’t tell Castor)
- Fletch @ Blog Cabins (why won’t you answer my calls?)
- Anna @ Breathing Movies (::high five::)
- Peter @ The Magic Lantern (I’m pregnant)
- Ross McG @ Ross v. Ross (::high thirty w/ McD::)
- Ross McD @ Ross v. Ross (::high thirty w/ McG::)
A “high thirty” is where three people stand in a triangle and all simultaneously give each other “high tens”. Just made that up. So epic.
Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983)
VERDICT:
6/10 Slaves Gone Wild
Talk about a bad omen.
Return of the Jedi picks up with Luke and the gang trying to rescue their frozen friend Han from the lair of notorious crime boss/general freak of nature Jabba the Hutt before the Rebel Alliance makes one final push to take down the Empire once and for all by using an awfully familiar plan of attack on an awfully familiar weapon.
So, after recently receiving a refresher course on the fact that A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back are nothing short of cinematic masterpieces that still kickass and are as amazing as the day I first saw ‘em, I’ve been looking forward to finally rounding out the original trilogy with good ol’ Jedi. My hopes were high, the time had come, my once-fond memories of Luke and Darth’s final battle were helping to alleviate my fears that the Ewoks couldn’t have been that bad, and since Admiral Ackbar still holds a special place in all our hearts, I pressed PLAY and soon realized that I had just entered a crushing world of disappointment and sadness.
Folks, if there was ever a sign that George Lucas should have been stopped before any more damage was done, this one was pretty much lit with fluorescent neon. I know I’m gonna get some major shit from my friends for giving Revenge of the Sith a higher score than this, and while it’s not all bad, there really is so much here to hate.
Alright, let’s start with the obvious: fuck Endor.
God, after Yoda ended up being the best thing that could have possibly happened to the reputation Muppet-like creatures across the solar system, it’s absolutely beyond me as to why Lucas decided to ditch his original idea of centering the story on the Wookie homeland of Kashyyyk (which would have been freakin’ awesome) and instead re-wrote the damn thing to go with these teddy midgets instead. Honestly, what in the world could have been going through that guy’s mind? Wookies are awesome, Wookies tear shit up, so why replace ‘em with glorified Care Bears who fight off chicken walkers by dropping rocks from hang gliders? Absolutely beyond me and this was the last place I wanted to see everyone celebrating their ultimate victory when it was all said and done.
But the speeder chase was sweet. I’ll give it that.
And then there’s Lucas’ script, and lord is it weak. With the exception of 3P0 who’s still consistently amusing, none of the characters here have any of the wit and charm that made them so memorable in the first place. Leia is nothing short of a cardboard cutout in a metal bikini who has completely lost all her badass broaditude (but I did dig her “I know,” to Han’s, “I love you,”), Han doesn’t have any good one-liners (and I hate how his stupid bumbling around ends up leading to Boba Fett’s outrageously lame death), and Luke (who somehow went from Jedi Chump to Jedi Master without any extra training) just isn’t any fun to be around anymore, dude needs to lighten up. Once again, there’s too much focus on the Rebellion and not enough on the folks leading it, but it was good to see the father and son dynamic with Darth and Luke brought to the forefront.
Also wasn’t a fan of the whole first Act in Jabba’s hideout which felt more like an excuse for Lucas to see how many different species he could make to look like they had dicks coming out of their heads than anything else. Jabba’s laughing pet “rat”? Stupid. That whole extra scene that Lucas added with the anteater jazz singer and that red douche who yells into the camera during his solo? Double stupid. If it weren’t for Hayden Christensen being added to play Vader’s ghost (it’s totally not a ghost, but the word’s not coming to me right now) at the end, this whole musical interlude would have easily been the worst thing about the Special Edition remakes. The rancor scene hasn’t exactly aged all too well either. I don’t know, the whole thing just felt like a bizarre note to start the movie out on and I couldn’t wait for the crew to get out of there.
And speaking of scenes that haven’t aged well, wasn’t all that crazy about the final showdown either. Luke and Darth’s red and green lighsabers look awfully sweet against their blacked-out wardrobes, but in comparison to their emotionally legit fight in Empire, this looked almost too choreographed up until Luke starts wailing on his pops like a goddamned lumberjack. Maybe I need to see it again because I definitely remember liking it back in the day, but it just didn’t do it for me this time around. That Emperor was a dick though, man.
Yoda’s death was also way too drawn out and I hate how Luke drops the bomb to Leia that they’re siblings like it’s no big deal. That’s a big reveal, man, that should have been given more weight.
But one of the most glaring issues I had with this script was that it feels kinda rehashed. I mean, Death Stars are pretty cool, anything that can kill a planet in one shot usually falls into the “pretty cool” category, but sometimes one planet-sized instrument of sheer annihiliation is enough. For all his imagination and vision, I’m pretty surprised that Lucas couldn’t come up with a new weapon that wasn’t the exact same thing that the Rebels already took out. Would have been a perfect time to think outside the box and up the ante for us loyal fans.
Well, the best way I can sum it all my complaints and woes about this unfortunate end to an otherwise legendary trilogy is that the magic is gone. My friend Mike put it best when he told me that rediscovering A New Hope and Empire after all these years was, “Like meeting a long-lost friend again.” From start to finish, those two movies had me cheering, smiling and falling back in love with Star Wars all over again in ways I never expected and I’m sure that when I go back and watch them again in another ten years, I’ll still be singing the same tune. But all that wonder, all that enjoyment, all those key ingredients that made Lucas the King of the Geeks that he is today was gone in Jedi, only to be replaced by shit that probably sold more Happy Meals than I could possibly imagine.
I don’t know, guys. I really don’t have a lot of good things to say about this movie since it stands as more of a sign of things to come than it does a fitting conclusion to a mind-blowingly awesome story, and that’s really a shame. But since it’s Star Wars and its got a whole lot of nostalgia factor going for it, Return of the Jedi gets a 6 and I can’t bring myself to drop it any lower despite the bad taste in my mouth. Snafus and all, it’s still one of the best trilogies you’ll ever find, just wish it had taken itself more seriously by the end.
And what fuck was with this guy?
Breaking Away (1979)
VERDICT:
9/10 Slacker Uprisings
A tragically forgotten and entirely timeless coming-of-ager.
Breaking Away is about a kid who graduates from High School and decides to take a year off to hang with his “bum” friends and pursue his one true passion in life: competitive cycling. But since his friends aren’t exactly the most upstanding citizens in the township and the kid’s father doesn’t give half a rat’s ass about anything having to do with Ities and bicycles, he’s forced to tread his own path and find out the hard way how to lead his life despite what others expect of him.
So, as mentioned earlier, I think I’m grabbing at sticks right now in regards to finding folks who actually know what the hell this movie even is. I’m thinking some of y’all are looking at those “CUTTERS” T-shirts on the poster and thinking, “Those there young’ins could afford to stop listening to so much of that ‘emo’ music I keep hearing about, ” but that really has nothing to do with why this movie is nothing short of seminal for anyone who feels like they’re the biggest fish in the smallest pond. And for the record, they’re referring to granite cutters, so that should be the least of your worries anyway.
On the one hand, Breaking Away is a tried and true sports movie. It’s Rudy, it’s Rocky, only it’s with bikes instead of football, and while I’m thinking that most of us Americans wouldn’t lose a whole lot of sleep without getting the latest update on the Tour de France, you’d be surprised at how engrossing this sport becomes even if you haven’t so much as hopped on an elliptical machine in your time. I mean, you put an underdog in any kind of situation, how in the hell can’t you root for ‘em like gangbusters? Face it: we’re suckers for ‘em and there’s nothing we can do about it.
The protagonist of our story is Dave Stoller, played by the one-hit-wonder himself, Dennis Christopher. The reason he’s a one-hit-wonder in the first place is because he’s done absolute jack crap since this came out roughly 30 years ago, but all the same, he’s one memorable individual. For a good long while he’s got this Italian kick going where he talks like he’s right off the Pinta, shaves his legs like his idols on the Cinzano cycling team and refuses to call his parents anything other than “Mama” and “Papa”, but as annoying as it may seem in one sense, it’s entirely endearing in another. Even though there were times when I wished he would just stop singing opera music and try to hit on girls like a normal human being, Stoller as a whole adds a lot to what makes this movie so unique and fun in the first place and I really have no idea why he phased out so quickly in the wake of his initial fame.
But for all his quirks, the thing to love about Dave Stoller is that he’s not “normal”. He’s more on the weird side than anything else, but there’s a passion and flame to it that you can’t deny no matter how out there he may be. He’s a guy you stick by, someone who’s stamina makes you feel like a beached whale for all the right reasons, someone who makes you want to stand up and scream, “If Dave can do it, so can I!” and that’s something else.
And then there’s Dave’s niche of friends played by the now-great Jackie Earle Haley, Daniel Stern (who very much needs a comeback) and Dennis Quaid (who continues to kick ass whenever present) and this is one of those instances that should make us all wonder why it took so long for them to be household names in the first place. Granted, Daniel Stern isn’t much of a household name outside of “That ‘Wet Bandit’ guy from Home Alone,” but all these guys have talent to spare which continues to go untapped.
And bonus points to Paul Dooley (the ultimate ’80s dad) as Dave’s father who’s waking nightmare is providing refunds for customers at his used car dealership.
Look, Breaking Away isn’t just a great sports movie, it’s a movie about believing in yourself and not buying the bullshit when others tell you that you’re never going to amount to the person you know you’re gonna be. We’ve all gone through periods in our lives where he spend Summers being professional hanger-outers, but we also all have that spark within us that’s just waiting to get set ablaze like an effing inferno, and this is one of those stories that’ll keep it burning strong. Man, I grew up on this movie and as often as I’ve seen it over the years, it’s still breaks me down like an infant with each viewing and it still keeps me plugging along towards reaching all my goals that I know I can reach. The pacing might not be as razor sharp as one might expect these days, but it stands the test of time like no other and it’s about time it got its due.
Proud Cutter for life over here.
The Little Mermaid (1989)
VERDICT:
8/10 Hot Crustacean Bands
Not quite up to par with Beauty and the Beast, but it’s no wonder that this is what put Disney back on the map.
The Little Mermaid is about a mermaid (bet you didn’t see that one coming) that has bigger things on her mind than being daddy’s little princess after a chance encounter with the hunkiest buccaneer that ever did sail the ocean blue who she naturally goes ape for the moments she lays eyes on his dashing good looks and lack of gills. So then dear old dad finds out about the crush, he totally over-reacts and starts waving his trident around all willy-nilly, and in totally stupid, angsty move, our girl sells her soul to the one half-human, half-octopus you shouldn’t even sell your seaweed to so that she can have three days as a human to get the man of her dreams…or else.
So, much like my recent return to the aforementioned masterpiece that is Beauty and the Beast, it had been quite a while since I’d given is movie a look because I’d more or less thought that people would question my having “boy parts” if I dared to talk about it in public. ‘Tis a shame really, but I’ve come around thanks to the help of Waking Sleeping Beauty and the fellas over at Pixar, and better yet, I’m proud to announce that everything is still very much in order. That was a close one.
Anywho, the real star of the show here, even more than my man Sebastian, even more than the seashell bikini craze this started, is the music. Wasn’t all that crazy about “Part of That World” or Ursula’s jam, but then there’s the holy trinity of “Under the Sea”, “Kiss the Girl” (best of the bunch) and the French chef’s “Poisson” song (hilarious), and that pretty much sealed the deal for me. The lyrics are great, the instrumentals are catchy as sin and up until that Jamaican crab starts orchestrating those turtles whose shells sound suspiciously similar to steel drums, this movie was actually hovering somewhere around a 7.
The writing for the most part is good, but it’s really through the tunes that the humor, connections and personalities of the characters and the story as a whole comes to life. The only exceptions to this statement being the continually amusing seagull, Scuttle, and the scene where Ariel starts acting a fool at the dinner table by forking her hair and ashing out a pipe on some rich dude’s face, but the magic really is in the music. Man, that Howard Ashman and Alan Manken really knew what the hell they were doing and do a great job of elevating an otherwise charming and fun script into a real treat that had me smiling right along.
But I don’t know, the characters aren’t bad, they just aren’t as memorable as I once remembered the being. Flounder is just kind of there, Triton seemed like a pretty canned father figure, and while Ariel does seem to have the perfect look to match the persona, there have been better Disney princesses. She made some pretty dumb decisions. Ursula’s a pretty solid villain though, but these mermaid folk must be as gullible or desperate as they come if they didn’t turn tail as soon as they swam through her trophy hall of trapped souls. Wouldn’t strike me as the best way to lure in customers, but, hey, can’t say it didn’t work for the gal.
And I don’t know about you, but I was sweating bullets during the last Act here. Honestly, once Ursula got the upper hand in a most serious of fashions, I really had no freaking’ clue how our gang was gonna get back in top. That chick was bigger than Godzilla and she had Triton’s trident, and as far as I could tell, there wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do about it. Big fan of how that situation got resolved though. Chalk one up for the humans.
Alright, it’s not the emotional roller coaster or trip down nostalgia lane like some of these Disney classics are, but The Little Mermaid still very much deserves a place in the “classic” canon. It’s still beautifully animated, it’s worth revisiting if only for the music and it’s hard not to get swept up in any experience when it makes you feel just like a kid again. And if you haven’t seen Ponyo yet, check that joint out, very cool remake of sorts.
And Nic Cage’s worst haircut is in …
DRIVE ANGRY 3-D!
Man, I had my money on Bangkok Dangerous, was not expecting a movie that hasn’t even come out yet. Then again, just look at the freakin’ rats nest on that guy’s head. Ridiculous.
Someone please tell that guy to fire his stylist already.
RESULTS:
- Drive Angry 3-D: 15 votes
- The Sorcerer’s Apprentice: 5 votes
- Kick-Ass: 0 votes (what a pedo mustache)
- Bangkok Dangerous: 6 votes (did anyone see this?)
- Next: 6 votes (did anyone see this?)
- Adaptation.: 8 votes
- Con Air: 6 votes
- Raising Arizona: 2 votes (arguably his best haircut)
- Peggy Sue Got Married: 0 votes
- Valley Girl: 3 votes
- Other: 1 vote for National Treasure, 1 vote for Rumble Fish and 1 vote for whatever the hell this movie is from…
Any thoughts on the remote possibility of a movie called Drive Angry 3-D being good?
The Room (2003)
VERDICT:
9/10 Audience Participation Awards
You gotta see it to believe it.
If you’ve never heard of it before, The Room is a thing of legend. The story more or less revolves around a woman who’s sleeping with her fiancee’s best friend, but I’ll just leave it at that because trying to legitimize anything this movie has to offer would be to miss the point entirely. In fact, the point isn’t the movie at all, it’s the experience that only “The Citizen Kane of bad movies” could offer to a legion of people who have helped writer/director/producer/star Tommy Wiseau slowly earn back the $9 million he spent out-of-pocket to create this monster.
Folks, if you haven’t done so already, check out Tom Clift’s post on his experience with The Room, ’cause there’s no way in hell I would have seen this bad boy if he hadn’t opened my eyes to what is easily one of the best times I’ve ever had at the movies. And once you’re done with that, hop on over to FlickSided to see how us New Yorkers reacted to Wiseau’s genius.
http://flicksided.com/2010/08/movie-review-the-room-2003/
Best worst movie I ever did see.
Wait until tomorrow…
So after experiencing an epic weekend the likes of which few ever live to tell about, I’m giving myself one more day to relax, recover and carefully plan out how the hell I’m gonna describe going to a midnight screening of The Room. So apologies for the delay, but the crap will be up and running again in no time. Have a kickass Monday!
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)
VERDICT:
10/10 Geekouts
Probably helps if you’ve been playing Zelda all your life, but either way, this is without a doubt one of the best damn things that’s happened to 2010 so far. That federal bailout stuff doesn’t even come close.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is about a 23-year-old garage band bass player who starts going out with a 17-year-old after being dumped my his long-time girlfriend who ended up being a stone cold bitch. Then one day he has a dream about a girl with pink hair and rollerblades, then he physically sees her in the library, then he puts the moves on her with the old “Do you know the history of Pac-Man?” line, somehow it kind of works, then they start going steady and all is right in the world. So, things are going swell, but then everyone’s favorite Canadian bassist finds out the hard way that in order to date the girl of his dreams, he first has to destroy her seven evil exes who are hell-bent on controlling her love life by any means necessary.
Quite the bummer, but he man’s up to the challenge all the same like the love fool he is.
Folks, this is the movie of the Summer, maybe of the year. Alright, I’ll stop before I hype this up beyond repair. Just hop on over to FlickSided though. No spoilers, I swear.
http://flicksided.com/2010/07/movie-review-scott-pilgrim-vs-the-world-2010/
God, this movie rocks.
Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
VERDICT:
10/10 Parent Traps
Yup, it’s the best of the bunch.
The Empire Strikes Back picks up with Darth and his endless supply of incompetent Admirals combing the galaxy for Luke Skywalker and his Rebel Alliance buddies after some wizard architect thought the Death Star just had to have an exhaust port (I imagine the boss was pretty pissed about giving that one the go-ahead). Soon enough, Vader smokes ‘em out of their ice cave, so Han, Leia, Chewie and the droids get the eff outta’ there and look for a place to lay low while Luke peaces out to go train with a Jedi Master on a glorified swamp.
Alright, after recently revisiting A New Hope (or Star Wars for all you fogies out there) and immediately remembering how phenomenal it’s always been, I gotta say, I was a bit skeptical about how this one would measure up. I’ve always said Empire was the best of the series, and while it’s not quite the mindblowing spectacle of sorts that the trilogy started out with, turns out I was right all along.
The thing is, A New Hope is the best introduction to this far, far away galaxy that anyone could have possibly asked for and if you’re gonna start anywhere with these movies, that’s the place. On the other hand, it’s an introduction that’s first and foremost about the Rebel movement and secondly about the memorable characters. What Empire does is turn that formula on its head and makes it all about the characters, The Force, and the sad truth that smoking the Death Star wasn’t exactly the crushing blow we all thought it was.
Folks, this is when shit gets real, and by the time it all wraps up, things aren’t exactly turning up Rebels. Luke is half-machine after finding out the hard way that his family sucks way harder than he could have ever imagined, he still hasn’t finished his training, Han’s getting shipped off to IKEA which means that Leia and Chewie are all heartbroken, in a nutshell, the Empire is running train.
But like I said, this one’s about the characters.
The first thing worth mentioning is how awesome it is to have Han at the forefront this time around. During that opening scene where Luke’s getting a facelift from a Wampa, I couldn’t help but wonder why Han wasn’t the one heading things up in this trilogy. Nothing against Luke, but what’s not to love about Han? What a wiseass, what a badass, he’s cooler than cool, he’s ice cold, and whenever he’s not on-screen, you really wish he was.
And in comparison to the atrocity that was Anakin and Padme’s “romance” in the new trilogy, the dynamic between Han and Leia is just awesome. The whole cat-and-mouse thing is endlessly entertaining from the moment she says, “I’d just as soon kiss a Wookie,” and he yells back, “I could arrange that. You could use a good kiss!” And by the time she finally wises up to the fact that she actually is crazy for him, he drops the two impossibly irresistable words that would make any woman in her position melt like butter for this scruffy-lookin’ scoundrel.
Leia: “I love you.”
Han: “I know.”
Dude, what a freakin’ stud. That’s why we love Han.
But the big addition to the old gang here is Yoda, and make no mistake, Yoda is THE MAN. I am just crazy about his whole ridiculous intro where he’s rooting through Luke’s supplies and slapping around R2 with his cane because you can’t help but treat him as a joke. It’s one of those moments where you go, “Well, Lucas is officially losing it,” but then you realize that this Gremlins reject is actually the Jedi Master that Luke’s been looking for, the tone of the situation does a complete 180 and you revel in the epic wisdom and power of this half-pint who can lift X-Wings with his mind like it’s no big thing. And then he puts on his serious voice and starts laying down the law:
Luke: “Alright, I’ll give it a try.”
Yoda: “No. Try not. Do…or do not. There is no try.”
Luke: “I don’t, I don’t believe it.”
The Yodester: “That is why you fail.”
Luke: “I won’t fail you. I’m not afraid.”
El Yoderino: “You will be. You…will…be.”
Good lord, I really have no idea how Yoda lost that “Best Jedi” poll to Qui-Gon. Dude never dropped that kind of knowledge on Obi-Wan.
But the one thing that still throws me for a loop and must have made everyone flat-out mess themselves when they first saw this in theaters goes right back to Luke and Darth. Strangely enough, I really can’t bring myself to talk specifically about the said bomb-dropper for fear of any well-read toddlers who might stumble across this highly innappropriate blog that their parents surely wouldn’t approve of, but I don’t think I’m over-stepping any bounds when I say that it may very well be the biggest shocker in movie history. Lucas really deserves a high-five or something for doing such a kickass job of misleading the hell out of his audience so that they wouldn’t see it coming by a long shot and no wonder why it’s become such a iconic moment in movie history. Well played, good sir.
Also really dug their lightsaber duel in Cloud City. It wasn’t until now that I realized what’s so great about the fights in this trilogy: they actually look like Jedi Knights instead of Jedi Parkour Acrobats. Less flipping, less choreography, just serious guys duking it out and you can really feel the power and rage that goes along with it. Yes, Luke did look ridiculous swatting at all the debris that Vader was throwing his way, but other than that, pretty solid stuff that seemed to be abandoned entirely in the new trilogy.
And as much as I’d like to agree that Luke is kind of a whiny bitch here, I gotta say, I feel for the kid. I mean, damn, I’d be anxious, too. Probably wouldn’t pull the whole “You ask the impossible,” shtick on my teacher and mope off into the woods, but if my friends’ lives were in danger, if I was being hunted by the Empire like Dog the Bounty Hunter was behind the wheel, if the fate of the galaxy was resting on my shoulders and I could barely use The Force to stack rocks, hell yeah I’d be frustrated. I don’t know, I think we could afford to cut him a break. At least he’s not crying about sand and shit like Anakin.
And how about Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian, the biggest space pimp around? Man, I’d buy whatever that guy was selling. I’d ditch Han and let him woo my ass ’til kingdom come without thinking twice. Something about that mustache/cape combo…truly pimptacular.
So even though watching The Empire Strikes Back again didn’t quite have the same magically nostalgic effect on me that re-visiting A New Hope did, this is still very much one of the all-time great sequels and it was the perfect direction to take the story and characters in. Just one more glowing and terribly bittersweet example of the kind of quality that Lucas was capable of.
Now can anyone enlighten me on the symbolism behind everyone getting their arms lopped off?
A Boy and His Dog (1975)
VERDICT:
9/10 Man’s Best Friends
Why didn’t anyone ever tell me how good this was? Jesus, what the hell else have I been missing out on all these years?
A Boy and His Dog takes place in the distant future of 2024 where modern civilization’s been wiped clear out by the five-day nuclear orgy that was World War IV. Wandering around the said wasteland are an uneducated, reckless teenager and his telepathic mutt who are searching high and low for the only two things that they and everyone else seem to give half a shit about any more: food and tail. But since one isn’t exactly at their sharpest while hungry and horny, this unlikely team soon find themselves caught up in a well-planned scheme aimed to divide them and foster a new breed of “society”.
Man, the last time I saw a dark comedy set around the apocalypse like this was probably Dr. Strangelove and I don’t get why more film makers aren’t getting the humor. Sure, everyone you know is probably either dead or dying, you’ve adopted a newfound love for the taste of Alpo and Twinkies and the only hope for continuing the human race lies with you and that girl in the corner who may or may not have a foot growing out of her head. But, hey, things could be worse. At least you’ve got a gun.
I don’t know, after getting so used to dystopias where everyone’s all sad and angry about it being the End of Days – not to say that I’m gonna stop loving those stories any time soon - it’s a nice change of pace to find a movie that revels in the despair for once. I mean, isn’t this premise just ripe with material that has yet to be tapped? Geez, Kurt Vonnegut made a career out of this observation, and since he’s the freakin’ man, I don’t see why everyone had to get so serious.
The script is based off a novella by one Harlan Ellison, and I don’t know how many of you folks are familiar with the guy, but after recently discovering one his more noteworthy pieces, “I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream”, I gotta say, that Harlan sure is a grim and interesting fella’. If the synopsis up there didn’t already give it away, the dude doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of faith in humanity and ain’t exactly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (which is understandable) and as a result his writing feels more like it came from the mind of Philip K. Dick’s evil twin than anything else. But since it never hurts to have a certain sense of humor towards the de-evolution of mankind, it’s all good and writer/director L.Q. Jones does a bang-up job of bringing that to the forefront of things.
All the same, this wonderfully warped script wouldn’t be measure up to a whole lot without the help of an outrageously young Don Johnson as our boy, Vic, and his dog, Blood – the smartest, most sarcastic mongrel I’ve ever heard (and I’ve heard a lot of ‘em). Yeah, the idea of a kid who telepathically communicates with his dog might turn as many people away as it attracts, but the dynamic between these two works so well not only because they borderline hate each other and incessantly rag one another for being a dumbass teen or a mangy fleabag, but becuase they’d be pissing up a rope if they were going it alone. But the crazy thing about it is that even though Vic is a fantastic, dim-witted anti-hero to drive the story along, Blood is arguably the best thing this movie has going for it.
He’s got all the best lines, he’s the best character by a long shot and Tim McIntire provides him with an absolutely perfect voice to convey all his asshole commentary. More often than not, anything involving talking animals can go to hell, but since Blood thinks and talks more like a human then Vic does, once again, it’s all good. So suck on that, G-Force.
A Boy and His Dog isn’t your typical apocalypse, and it might lean a little too much on the “morally fucked up” side of things for me to recommend it in the way I could Children of Men or something, but the refreshingly awesome contrast between happy-go-lucky (if you can even call it that) and impending doom is too damn hard to resist. There’s no tree-hugging message behind it all, no quest for hope, no good guys or bad guys, it’s just two “buddies” on a road trip making the best out of shitty situation in a strangely believable world where getting laid by any means necessary is just as important as survival. It’s ridiculous, it’s insane and while it might not be a visual feast by any means, I can’t remember the last time I came across such a well-written upper/downer of a script with such great characters and humor that made me want to watch it all over again as soon as it ended.
And for anyone out there who’s actually seen this, how about that last scene, huh? Freakin’ NUTSO!
I Am Love (2010)
VERDICT:
6/10 Simple Pleasures
While it totally jumps the shark like you wouldn’t believe, there is a certain greatness here driving things along.
Among other family dramas, I Am Love is about the wife of a high society businessman in Milan who jeopardizes her lush life and family structure as she starts to drift from her stagnant marriage and falls for her son’s associate, a humble and gifted chef who’s roughly half her age.
Can’t say I’ve ever seen anything by writer/director Luca Guadagnino before, but this is one of those bittersweet situations where all the praise for everything that shines and all the hate for everything that fails can more or less be directed to him and him alone. As a director, he’s very much in charge, as a writer, he’s a bit rough around the edges, but whatever, let’s just get on down to the nitty gritty and go from there.
For the first hour or so, this movie was sitting pretty at an 8 and didn’t show any signs of dropping. Guadagnino’s most prevalent strength right from the outset are his gorgeous visuals coupled with an orchestral score that seem to be made for one another. It’s like watching someone paint with film and his celebration of Italy from the classic mansions to the sprawling countryside do a native justice to how beautiful it actually is. In this regard, I’ve got nothing to complain about and it stays that way from start to finish. Good job, Luca.
Unfortunately, pretty sights and easy listening only go so far.
See, Guadagnino’s script is an anomaly of sorts. It’s very quiet, it lets the action do the talking more often than not and you really gotta dig deep to get to the heart of what’s going on with everyone in this outwardly material family. And I liked that, I dig movies that make me pay attention and work for it instead of beating me over the head to make sure I didn’t miss it the first time around, but then the third Act rolls around and it takes a cheap, idioitic and inexplicable turn for the melodramatic and, surprisingly enough, makes no attempt to recover in the remaining half-hour.
Honestly, I about laughed out loud when this said scene went down and just as all the credible emotional weight of the story swirls down the lou, so does any semblance of a connection I had with these characters. From that point, this was like watching a perfume commercial as the family stops being realistic and starts being actors. It’s just obscure and arty fartsy to a fault and I was disappointed to find myself thinking nothing but “Well, that wasn’t worth twelve bucks,” during the final minutes instead of feeling like my foundation had just been shaken the hell up.
But lucky for Guadagnino, Tilda Swinton does go all out and bares every last inch as Emma Recchi, our cheeky mother with a weak spot for men in aprons. Her performance only gets better with time, but the bummer of the matter is that Emma has the same problems going for her that the script as a whole does. There’s just not enough of a contrast from her mentality when we first meet her to make her ultimate “development” as a character feel genuine, instead, it just feels…weird. Her acting doesn’t quite salvage the faults, but it does make me want to finally give Michael Clayton a shot because she sure has some chops, even if she does look like she’s scared shitless almost all the time.
I really thought I was going to like I Am Love, the trailers had this A Single Man vibe going for ‘em that drew me in immediately, I’m always searching for that next great subtle movie about real people with real problems, and even though Guadagnino nails it on the visuals and the mood, that last Act really was a fucking disaster. Not a bad movie, there’s just a lot going on all at once, a lot of which doesn’t get the focus it deserves in light of how it relates back to Emma’s storyline, and even though it’s pretty unfocused, there are some fantastic gems that make the trip worthwhile.
On that note, there really is something wonderful about Swinton’s character and how she allows herself to get swept off her feet by life in its most innate, indulgent and everyday forms, and even though I was a tad harsh on the ending, the first two Acts are something to admire. I don’t know, this movie is an experience on many levels and even though I might not have “gotten it” on my first viewing, I’m open to giving it another shot in like twenty years or so when I’ve hit rock bottom during my inevitable mid-life crisis. Here’s to hoping it’ll finally click.
Good times.
And the best Lord of the Rings entry is…
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING!
Oh, that makes me happy.
Right there with ya’, folks. Think I saw this three times in theaters back in the day and loved it every time. God, I miss not having any responsibilities and more time than I knew what to do with.
RESULTS:
- Fellowship: 17 votes
- The Two Towers: 16 votes (shooting arrows while surfing on a shield goes a long way)
- Return of the King: 12 votes (should have ended five times earlier)
Whaddaya think, better or worse than the novels?
VERDICT:
8/10 Freedom Writers
I fitting tribute to one of the great writers and modern-day patriots of our time.
Gonzo is a documentary about one Hunter S. Thompson, an all-around madman who left his mark on the world by taking enough psychedelics to kill an adult hippo while fully embracing his right to bear arms, running for sheriff of a small Colorado town on the “Freak Power” ticket (now that’s a party I’d vote for) and writing about the Hell’s Angels, politics in the ’60s and ’70s, and the wildly dangerous effects of going on an ether binge in brilliant new ways that helped shape the course of American journalism while changing the face of literature.
Like most folks, my first introduction to Thompson was when one of my best friends in college introduced me to Terry Gilliam’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. In retrospect, this might not have been the best place to start because it scared, depressed and confused the sober shit out of me more than anything else, but I was intrigued by this fellow all the same. It wasn’t until later on when I stumbled across my stepfather’s copy of Thompson’s source material and subsequently tore through it like I was right there in bat country with Raoul Duke himself that I realized the greatness worth worshiping.
Now, if you’ve never heard of Thompson, if you’ve never seen, read, smelled or heard about Fear and Loathing, if the only connection to “Gonzo” you’re coming up with is The Muppets, then Gonzo is about the best first impression you could ask for.
It’s directed by Alex Gibney, and as far as documentarians go, this guy’s cleanin’ house. After tackling some outrageously heavy topics like those greedy fuckers at Enron and the US torture practices at Guantanamo Bay, this seemed like an unexpected, if not much-needed lighter direction to take things in, and something about it just seemed right from the moment I saw that poster.
Athough, when it starts out, the movie actually looks somewhat unimpressive as Gibney superimposes actors over photos of Thompson amongst other strangely amateurish attempts to “bring him to life” and it does feel like an odd way to kick things off. Even with Johnny Depp reading aloud excerpts from the guy’s novels with Gibney’s absolutely phenomenal soundtrack playing over it all, it still took me a bit to get reeled in. But then the epic amount of archived footage, audio and pictures starts rolling along with some wonderfully candid interviews from Thompson, his family and his incredibly mixed bag of friends and colleagues and you more or less forget all about that little hiccup at the get-go. You buy the ticket, you take the ride.
But the interesting thing about Gibney’s approach to Thompson is how much time is spent on his life as a political activist, whether it be him actually running for office, traveling along with George McGovern and watching him slowly sell out before his eventual loss to Nixon, or being one of the key figures who put Jimmy Carter on the map before anyone even knew who the hell that country bumpkin even was. As much as I wish there was more emphasis placed on what an outrageously funny and batshit crazy guy Thompson was, I already knew that stuff about the guy, everyone who knows anything about Thompson knows that first and foremost, and I don’t really think that’s how we would have wanted to have been remembered anyway.
It’s easy for someone to come across something like Fear and Loathing and write the guy off as a dope fiend with a typewriter while ignoring his swan song of a dying era in the process, and to do so would be unfortunate for everyone involved. Not only was Thompson the unintentional poster boy of a pivotal and terribly disheartening period in America’s political and cultural history where people stopped fighting for what was right and started eating all the bullshit that was being fed to ‘em, but he really had a gift and he was one of the few who stuck to his guns instead of giving in to the man. Granted, the guy did end up doing enough drugs to the point where he pretty much developed a complete immunity to them, but that’s just one more thing that made him so damn interesting.
Even as someone who’s been on the Thompson bandwagon for a while now, simply reading a couple books and watching a couple YouTube videos of John Cusack describing how Hunter used to stop his car in the middle of a busy street and start slapping around a blow-up doll named “Ling-Ling” for all to see will only tell you so much about the guy. Thompson’s later years where he became more of a victim of his own fame than anything else are particularly sad in this regard, but when push comes to shove, this was a guy who lived one unbelievable life, someone who continually pole-vaulted himself over the edge and lived to tell about it in ways no one else could, someone who will undoubtebly grab the attention of readers and admirers for generations upon generations after his (un)timely death. Not quite sure how he made it to 67 let alone 30, but Gonzo is a wild little testament to a man who puts 21st Century journalism to shame and was all the while tripping balls like you wouldn’t believe.
And if you haven’t read Fear and Loathing, hit up the library, stat. That right there is a 10 out of 10.
Die Hard (1988)
VERDICT:
8/10 Shitty Christmases
One of the best one-man-army joints out there, but not quite the greatest action movie ever made.
Die Hard is about a New York City cop who heads out to L.A. for a holiday party at his wife’s office building in the hopes of repairing their already shaky marriage. Then in a total buzzkill move that would make Scrooge think he wasn’t such a bad guy after all, a band of German terrorists crash the festivities, start breaking into the skyscraper’s mega safe, slap the egg nog out of everyone’s hands and hold them all hostage…with the exception of our barefoot enforcer of justice who makes it his business to celebrate Jesus’ birthday by taking these fuckers OUT!
Alright, an 8 out of 10 for Die Hard. Blasphemy, I know. I’m already having visions of the hater comments that are heading my way, but what can I say, the ’80s were some rough years and in one-too-many ways, this was a victim. But let’s take a minute to cool our jets and get into why this bad boy rocks.
Even more so than my man Butch Coolidge, I don’t think Bruce Willis will ever manage to top his role here as the best thing that’s ever happened to the NYPD’s public image, off-duty Officer John McClane. The great thing about McClane – aside from his sense of humor when it comes to chewing out the broads at the LAPD call board and the drawbacks of crawling through ventilation shafts after nearly falling to your death – is that he’s just the real deal. Doesn’t have gadgets like Bond, doesn’t have elite military training like Bourne, he’s just a quick-thinking guy whose only resources against an army of angry Geris that are armed to the teeth are his mitts and his glock. Granted, everyone who’s going after him are all terrible effing shots, but he never really has the upper hand, he’s always vulnerable and he’s the perfect combo of good ol’ braun and brains that this movie needed to drive the plot along.
Yup, McClane’s a total badass and the beautiful thing is that the same goes for Hans Gruber.
I don’t know about you, but I’m of the mindset that Alan Rickman is kinda man. When it comes to smarmy, loathsome and unusually smart sonsabitches, Rickman’s got it down to a science and that’s exactly why he rules as Hans. Man, the way he pops the Nakatomi president like he was swatting a fly was one hell of an intro for a villain and that nonchalant attitude just carries on throughout. This guy’s on a mission, this guy’s not stupid, and even though his American accent is pretty suspect, Hans is a guy that earns our hatred. Happy trails, indeed.
And, of course, there’s Reginald VelJohnson as the one cop in all of Los Angeles who isn’t a complete jackass or bloodthirsty maniac that’s eager as all hell to relive their days in ‘Nam. Folks, what’s not to love? It’s freakin’ Carl Winslow, the “Big Guy” himself, and I don’t think McClane could have asked for a better right-hand man.
But my issue with Die Hard is that while 90% of it leaves no doubt in my mind why it became the action movie to model your blockbuster after, there’s that other eye-rollingly cliched 10% that totally falls on the other end of the spectrum. When it comes to the dialogue, half of what everyone says is cool as hell and the other half falls flat on its face. For instance, when Carl Winslow points out that “They’re shooting at the lights,” then the Gremans shoot the lights out and Paul Vernon goes, “They’re shooting at the lights,” like it’s his own thought. Well, that’s new. And it is so annoying how every cop other than Carl flat-out refuses to listen to any and all voices of reason. Also wasn’t a big fan of Karl (the bad one) coming back from the dead at the end only to get offed by Carl (the good one) and his hand cannon when McClane lets his guard down. Ugh, that dude should have stayed dead.
I don’t know, there are just too many things here that just scream “Remember the ’80s!” for me to bump it up to a 9. But this was when William Atherton cemented his place in movie history as The Biggest Douchebag of the Decade (mean that in the best way possible), and that definitely counts for something.
And for the record, Terminator 2 is the best action movie of all-time, then First Blood, then The Professional probably. I’m actually not even sure if this in my Top Five, but as far as one-man-army movies go, Die Hard is a solid number two (unfortunately, John McClane still has nothing on misunderstood psycho-vet John Rambo). But it is the best Christmas movie of all-time, so it’s got that going for it.
All the same, I’m not gonna be That Guy who trashes Die Hard because even though it’s not my #1, it is one of the greats and I ain’t gonna argue with anyone who gives it their top spot. I mean, come on, how about that scene where McClane mistakes Gruber for one of the hostages? McClane’s secret hiding spot for his gun at the end? “Now I have a machine gun. HO! HO! HO?” Unreal. That’s the kind of stuff that more action movies need to borrow from, that’s why this baby stands out and it’s a total blast every time. Just too bad it came out the same year that “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” won the Best Record Grammy.
Love the title though.
Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977)
VERDICT:
10/10 Epic Architectural Flaws
Confirmed once and for all that the Milky Way truly is the lamest galaxy in existence.
A New Hope is about a teenage farmhand with aspirations for greatness who, through a course of some very convenient and fateful events, finds himself training to become a knight of legend, gets caught up in a plot to rescue a princess and paves the way towards taking down a tyrannical empire by working to destroy their planet-killing weapon/base of operations before the Rebel movement is crushed for good.
Man, A New Hope. I can’t be the only who smiles when I hear those words.
Now, I’ve always heard that THX 1138 and American Graffiti are good movies in their own right, and while I’m sure I’ll get around to actually seeing them before I kick the bucket, something tells me they don’t have jack crap on what George Lucas put together here as a writer, director and all-around dreamer. The impact this movie has had on Earth in general cannot be measured and when the day comes when we all run out of oil and move to Mars or just nuke the snot out of each other, I really hope the aliens that show up discover a copy of this movie and use it to study us by. Why wouldn’t we want to be remembered as Jedi?
Alright, let’s just get started with the script because as awesome as the scale of Lucas’ vision is, I feel like it goes forgetten that he was a damn good writer back in the day. This is the Hero’s Journey at its finest, there’s not a minute of boredom to be found in a single effing frame of this thing and every last character outside of the Storm Troopers who can’t hit the broad side of a barn are all unique, iconical and fun as hell as soon as you’re introduced to ‘em. That’s not easy to pull off whatsoever. Geez, this script really is the whole package when it comes to dialogue, story, character development, pacing, etc. and it’s so damn good to be reminded that at one time George Lucas did in fact have a great sense of humor.
I mean, really, was C-3P0 always this funny? Did I just forget that? That conversation he has with R2 after Luke gets pissed off because Leia’s message won’t play and he goes:
3P0: “No, I don’t think he likes you at all.”
R2: beeps and such.
3P0: (turns his back on the droid) “No, I don’t like you either.”
CLASSIC!
But the whole movie is filled with stuff like that, and it only gets better when Han Solo shows up and starts asking the Storm Troopers “How are you?” while trying to stage a prison break. God, George, why did you ever listen to your kids? You were a seriously funny dude.
And since we’re on the subject, Han is the best character in the Star Wars universe and it’s arguably the best role of Ford’s career. Darth and his Nazi Sumurai helmet are a very close second, but Obi-Wan, Leia, Chewie, R2, and 3P0 are legendary too and this series would be nothing without them. And it breaks my heart that Mark Hamill got his face chewed up so bad in that car wreck after this, because he was one suave lookin’ kid and he really makes Luke awesome. Definitely not a bitch here, not yet at least.
Unreal score by John Williams, too. I don’t usually single out the music in my reviews, but come on, this is something else.
But the wonderful thing about A New Hope is that everyone remembers their first time. It’s right up there with losing your tooth, getting your driver’s license and being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and while I can’t recall every last detail, I’m proud to say that I lost my Star Wars virginity at the ripe young age of five, and let me tell ya’, it was glorious.
My family had just moved from Brooklyn to the suburbs, my dad put a TV in my room for one night (which was a nice little perk that I missed immediately thereafter) and he turned it on just as the opening yellow text was scrolling off the screen. God, the moment I saw that Imperial Star Destoyer chasing down those Rebel scum in their pathetic dingy of a ship, the question came without skipping a beat:
Aiden: “What is this, dad?”
Aiden’s Pops: “Son, this is Star Wars.”
And that was it.
Unpacking boxes could wait, I’d never been a fan of putting sheets on the bed anyway, this is what was happening and I was hooked like a trout. Had to learn the hard way that this had nothing to do with Star Trek, but the seed had been planted, it was love at first sight. And let’s be honest, how could it not be?
Although I will say that it was borderline painful to watch all the CG scenes that Lucas went back and added to the DVDs on this latest go-around, not only because they’re all totally unnecessary and unwanted, but they make it blatantly clear how far from the tree the guy had fallen over the course of two decades. Nonetheless, they’re easy enough to write off in light of the big picture.
Still, what a jackass move. Greedo doesn’t shoot first.
Yeah, Empire is the best of the series, but that doesn’t take away from how pivotal and flat-out phenomenal this movie was and always will be. Maybe some of it has to do with the crushing disappointment that came with watching the new trilogy again, but this is an unbelievable movie either way, this is where it all started and I know a 10 when I see it. It’s not dated in the least, it’s still visually stunning in so many ways, the lightsaber battle between Ben and Darth actually isn’t all that bad and I really can’t wrap my head around the fact that something so unreal like this was made all the way back in 1977.
Okay, I could write a lot more than I already have, but (hopefully) we all know why it rocks as much as it does, so I’ll just go ahead and wrap this up.
It really is an amazing and rare opportunity to see a movie more times than you can count, return to it years later and be able to experience it all over again with an ear-to-ear grin from start to finish, but that’s A New Hope and it’s no wonder why it launched such a monster of a franchise. It’ll make you laugh, make you cheer, make your heart sink and rise with the flip of a switch and if you’re not on the level, watch it again, something tells me you’ll come around.
Now let’s do the right thing and finally have a moment of silence for Porkins.
We miss you, buddy. Your name was hilarious.
Winnebago Man (2010)
VERDICT:
7/10 Swear Jars
A bizarre, pertinent and often hilarious documentary for all you Generation Y kids out there.
Winnebago Man is about a crotchety bastard named Jack Rebney who unintentionally received global internet fame as “The Angriest Man in the World” after an outtake reel of him losing his mind and cursing up a storm while trying to make a promotional video for a line of motor homes hit YouTube and took it by storm. Then one day film maker Ben Steinbauer starts wondering what the hell ever happened to this guy, by some grace of God manages to track him down and so begins his journey to show the world how this viral king has coped after all these years of unwanted notoriety.
Yup, it’s a movie about this guy:
Weird, huh? Anyway, it’s pretty damn funny and surprisingly interesting, so do me a kindness and hop on over to FlickSided to get the whole scoop.
http://flicksided.com/2010/07/movie-review-winnebago-man-2010/
Jack Rebney. My kinda guy.
Battle Royale (2000)
VERDICT:
7/10 World’s Worst Field Trips
Exactly the kind of stuff that American film makers could never get away with.
Battle Royale takes place in an alternate Japan where society is collapsing, the youth are revolting and the only solution the higher ups can come up with to get these kiddies back on track is to randomly select a class of High School Freshmen, send them to a deserted island and give them three days to kill each other until there’s only one Frosh left standing. The story itself follows two kids in one of the said classes who fight to survive and beat the system so that one of them doesn’t have to literally bite the bullet in order for the other to survive.
Probably not the most sound course of action when trying to rebuild your country, but hey, times are tough, whatcha gonna do? After all, wouldn’t put it past those Tea Partiers to pull some wacko shit like this.
Now, over the years, this movie has truly taken on a life of its own. Just like with Ichi the Killer, it’s one of those things that sets off your Spidey sense whenever it comes up in conversation, like you’re part of some secret club that only you and that other guy you just exchanged glances with know about, something that Tyler Durden’s probably behind. You’ll never hear about it in mainstream media, Oprah would surely dedicate a week-long special lampooning it if she ever caught wind, Sarah Palin would undoubtedly tie it into her 2012 campaign so that the overprotective parents of this fine nation won’t have to worry about this sick filth, and that’s exactly why I’m glad to be a member.
See, this movie is an exercise in the extreme. It’s like a modern-day retelling of Lord of the Flies, only all the kids have crossbows and uzis instead of conch shells and bifocals, and something tells me that idea is gonna rub a lot of folks the wrong way. No, kids killing kids isn’t the easiest thing to endorse, but lucky for everyone, this isn’t a documentary, it’s a fucking movie, and the film makers are well aware of that, too.
After reading through the source material a few months back, it was nice to see that with the exception of a weird ending change and a general lack of message outside of why democracy isn’t such a bad idea after all, this is an adaptation that religiously follows its inspiration. Only problem is that the book wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t exactly great either. I don’t know, one can only wake up, get on the train to work and churn out twenty pages depicting kids offing one another for so long without getting a little tired of it all, but even if that was exactly what I was looking for complement my cup of joe, the novelty wears a bit thin after a while. On the other hand, this movie really doesn’t take itself seriously whatsoever.
And that’s kind of the pro and con of Battle Royale. It starts off with a sharp, dark sense of humor thanks to the addition of Takeshi Kitano as the class’ former gym teacher who treats the kids’ current circumstances like it’s a game of dodgeball, but then he goes away for a good long while, things stop being intentionally funny and the movie takes on this weird joke-y tone. I’m betting that this was intentional on director Kinji Fukusaku’s part, but as it becomes more and more unrealistic it takes away from the warped gravity of the situation when the violence equates to a glorified version of homicidal Power Rangers, just without all that morphin’ crap.
But I will give the guy credit for successfully managing to balance some 40-odd characters, making them all stand out in their own little ways and not just treating them as collateral damage. Well, that’s exactly how they’re treated in the novel, but I’m thinking it’s a lot harder to give everyone a story over the course of two hours than it is over the course of 500+ pages.
Although the rest of the cast and their laughable acting abilities aren’t helping matters much either, the only saving grace of the bunch being Chiaki Kuriyama (aka: Gogo Yubari) who actually pulls off being a stone cold badass in the short time she’s around. Nevertheless, everyone else pretty much blows. But like I said, Fukusaku’s making this movie with a grain of salt because I think I’d be a lot harder to swallow if it was a cringe-inducing experience on par with Audition, Jr.
I’ve seen this movie a couple times and while it’s definitely something different that’s very likable in a way that only non-American film makers can pull off, I’m still having trouble mulling over the reasons why this thing is so highly regarded in underground circles. In some ways, Battle Royale doesn’t quite live up to the hype and I strangely wish it had upped the shock value and toned down the camp, but it’s still a rite of passage for anyone interested in all things sick and twisted. For a one-trick pony of sorts, it’s still pretty gnarly, and if this is your first time hearing about it, give it a shot and see how it fits. After all, it is a pretty cool club to be in.
Cowboy Bebop: The Movie (2001)
VERDICT:
8/10 Space Aces
Not quite as good as the show, but pretty darn awesome all the same.
Cowboy Bebop: The Movie is about a ragtag gang of intergalactic bounty hunters who set out to cuff a vigilante terrorist and collect the reward money before he unleashes a viral epidemic on the bustling metropolis on Mars and wipes out all of civilization.
I don’t know how much this movie is going to appeal to anyone who isn’t already familiar with the show that it’s based off of, but since I’m of the mindset that Cowboy Bebop is greatest anime series of all-time and still stands as one of my favorite TV shows, animated or otherwise, yeah, I was a bit excited when this thing finally turned up on Netflix Instant. I don’t know, it’s been a while since I really gave a shit about anime shows since I started seeing kids on the subway wearing every last shred of Naruto paraphernelia they could get their hands on at Hot Topic, but this one holds a special little place in my heart and is truly in a league of its own.
I guess the root of why I’m hyping this sucker up like no other is mainly because it’s a wild display of genre-bending at its finest and packs in more quality storytelling and effortless style than a huge majority of live-action I’ve come across. It’s part-Western, part-sci-fi, part-film noir, part-action and the thing that ties it all together is jazz.
Yup. Jazz. The music. Hence the whole “Bebop” thing in the title. Was a revelation when I finally figured that out.
The brainchild of this whole operation is one Shinichiro Watanabe, a guy who is clearly well-versed in all things badass and knows how to score fist fights, dog fights (not the Michael Vick kind) and bullet ballets that all would have been the bomb on “Mute” but take on a whole new life and electricity when they’ve got a big band backing them up. Shit, it’s really hard to convey how awesome this single strength of Watanabe’s is without seeing and hearing it first-hand, but I guess the closest analogy would be the way Quentin Tarantino set the final sword fight between The Bride and O-Ren Ishii to a mariachi ditty at the end of Kill Bill: Vol. 1. In theory, it might seem kinda stupid, but in practice, it is effing beautiful.
This element was an integral part to the series and it’s a big reason why I’m definitely not the only one who goes apeshit over this stuff, but the weird thing about this movie is that a lot of it is gone. There are only two action scenes where the brass starts blaring, and while those are out of sight, this baby ain’t limited to just two action scenes. Instead, there’s a handful of American alt-rock tracks (none of which I’ve ever heard before) accompanying the uncharacteristically lame opening credits along with all the beatdowns, and I don’t know why that is. Honestly, I have no clue. Stupid move, but the action here is still a total freakin’ rush.
And then there’s Watanabe’s characters, and oh how I missed these guys. In a nutshell, the gang is made up of an ex-cop with a metal arm named Jet, a femme fatale with a gambling problem named Faye, a corgi named Ein, an androgynous wiz-kid hacker named Edward and the leader of the pack with a mysterious past, Spike-fuckin’-Spiegel. Jesus Christ, I don’t know where to begin with this guy. Simply put, you couldn’t ask for a cooler, more entertaining fella’ to be the driving force of a movie, show, book, play, haiku or knock-knock joke. He embodies everything that makes Watanabe special and it’s rare to find such an insanely cool lead like this who steals the show right off the bat and keeps you wanting more long after the credits roll. Folks, Spike is Cowboy Bebop.
Wasn’t too keen on Keanu being cast as Spike for the eventual Hollywood transition from cartoon to human, but after keeping him in mind while watching this again, I can kinda see it now. Hope to God he doesn’t screw this one up.
The script here is also pretty solid, and while it may take a bit to get going, it doesn’t really let up once it gets over that hill. Quirky sense of humor, too. Somewhat typical of anime comedy, but whatever, it serves its purpose.
Cowboy Bebop: The Movie is a pretty kickass spin-off in its own right, but if all this is news to you, you’re better off just checking out the first couple episodes of the TV series. It’s still very accessible to newcomers who fall into the said category, it’s still a whole lot of fun and there’s still a whole lot enjoy, but I’m still not sure that this is the right place to start. Take it in half-hour doses, see how that works and go from there. And hey, if you end up loving it and are itching for more, check out Watanabe’s follow-up series, Samurai Champloo. Pretty similar in all the right ways, only it’s Capoeira sword fighting in feudal Japan set to hip-hop.
Trust me, just go with it.
And on a clinically approved scale from 1 to 10 built to measure his craziness, Mel Gibson is a…
PERFECT 10!
Doesn’t get much crazier than that, Sugar Tits!
Man, what the hell happened to this guy? Anyone got any theories?
RESULTS:
- Ten: 20 votes for punching your wife in the head while she’s holding your baby
- Nine: 8 votes for demanding post-hot tub fellatio
- Eight: 13 votes for threatening to burn the house down
- Seven: 3 votes for telling your wife that she’ll be R’d by a pack of N’s
- Six: 3 votes for blaming the Jews for all of life’s problems
- Five: 1 vote for literally becoming Martin Riggs
- Four: 3 votes for Payback
- Three: 0 votes for Conspiracy Theory
- Two: 1 vote for Lethal Weapon 4
- One: 1 vote (Mel, it’s not cool to vote for yourself)
Call me crazy, but I don’t think anyone’s even gonna remember this whole incident by the time Christmas rolls around. Such is the life of Braveheart.
Inception (2010)
VERDICT:
9/10 Heavy Sleepers
As expected, freakin’ brilliant.
In following with the refreshingly cryptic ad campaign, all I can really tell you about Inception without giving anything away or confusing the hell out of you doesn’t actually amount to a whole lot. The CliffsNotes rundown is that it’s about a guy who specializes in jumping into people’s dreams, manipulating their subconscious and with the help of his trusty colleagues manages to extract their deepest secrets for the highest bidder.
It’s kinda like The Matrix mixed with Ocean’s Eleven and some of the more surreal aspects of Brazil, but when push comes to shove, it is all Chris Nolan.
Being that everyone on Earth has seen The Dark Knight by now, I’m just gonna go ahead and assume we all know at least that much about our director of the hour, but if that’s all your going off of, you really owe it to yourself to start getting familiar. I’m not sure how much fanboy praise I’ve thrown at the guy on this site, but make no mistake, Chris Nolan may very well be the best working director out there right now and is without a doubt one of the best storytellers we’ve got. It’s not often you see Hollywood fat cats dish out obscene amounts of money to a film maker, tell him to “Go nuts!” and give him free reign to do whatever the hell he wants because he’s that damn good every single time.
Folks, his track record speaks for itself, and while Inception isn’t quite on par with Memento (then again, what is?), it’s nothing short of exhilarating to have something so original and mind-blowing like this to break up the mass amount of weak-ass shit I’ve had to put up with and spend money on all year. Tim Burton, I hope you’re listening.
But before I turn this into Mr. Nolan’s unauthorized biography, let’s take a minute to look at the cast.
Playing Dom Cobb – our dream-killer number one – is Leonardo DiCaprio. Now, I don’t know what it’s gonna take for me really get on the “Leo is one mean mother effer” bandwagon with the rest of modern society outside of volunteering for a lobotomy, but with that being said, he’s getting better. As with everyone else here, he’s got a pretty cool demeanor about him and he’s apparently been working on his ability to get crazy intense without having to burst a vein in his face, so that’s a plus that carries well throughout. Still longing for the days of Catch Me If You Can and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, but since beggars can’t be choosers, can’t do much to knock him this time. Good enough character, good enough acting.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt is totally boss as usual as Dom’s right-hand man, Arthur, and the one guy I still can’t shut up about is Tom Hardy as the team’s muscle, Eames. Man, Tom Hardy is such a badass, he was the bomb in Bronson, he is gonna be an out of sight Mad Max and he quickly establishes himself as the one to watch in this little number from the second he shows up on screen. That guy deserves to get famous, asap.
But the big problem with Dom Cobb and the rest of the gang here is that they really aren’t all that interesting. Yes, they have wardrobes that make the Mad Men cast look like mole people and they do dish out a hefty amount of ass-whuppery from start to finish, but that only goes so far. The only exception of the bunch when it comes to breaking through this third-dimention of character development is Marion Cotillard’s solid turn as Dom’s wife, Mal, who easily has the most interesting and affected storyline to work with.
I’ve been thinking a lot about why I had such a hard time connecting with these characters since I walked out of the theater a couple days ago, and the one thing I keep coming back to is “inception” itself. The thing with this movie is that it’s essentially a vehicle for an idea – an absolutely fantastic idea at that – and while the protagonists who’ve turned this idea into a way of life are interesting enough, everyone is just kinda playing their part to see how far Nolan can take it. We’re given a lot of time to get to know them and there’s a whole lot of set-up in regards to laying out the laws and limitations of this carte blanche world, but I guess it’s just so easy to get caught up in the restrictions and possibilities of the physics of our unconscious that it becomes hard to get caught up in the lives of the far less interesting chums who populate it. I don’t know, that’s just my take. Discuss amongst yourselves.
But from the hauntingly epic score to the endless array of jaw-dropping visuals that continually made me wonder “How did they do that without the help of NASA?” to the bittersweet truth that Chris Nolan might be the only A-list director our there who has the balls and brains big enough to pull something like this off, I could gush about this movie more than anyone could care to read. This is one of those movies that needs to be experienced first-hand, a movie that’s so meticulously crafted on every front to surprise and astound us that it should come as a surprise to no one that the script took ten years on-and-off to come together, a movie that will trounce all your hype and expectations into a cocaine-like powder no matter how long you wait to see it, and even if I kept writing ’til carpal tunnel set in and told you about every single scene this baby has to offer, you still wouldn’t get it and it still wouldn’t be enough.
Look, it’s not perfect, it doesn’t really have a whole lot to say outside of “What if…?” nor does it tap into an emotional context the way it does cerebrally, but very rarely do I ever watch a movie and find myself thinking “Wow” let alone saying it out loud. Even if it is just a way to play around with this head trip of an idea for two-and-a-half hours, there is so much here to marvel at and enjoy that the flaws end up falling to the wayside as you’re trying to remind your lungs how to breathe. Inception truly is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before and if I’m gonna make heads or tails out of all these metaphysical conversations I’ve been having since Friday, I’m gonna need to see it again. Woe is me.
Great, great ending, too. My theater couldn’t have been the only one that collectively gasped when those credits started rolling.
THE CRAP IS GETTING BIGGER!
Hey folks,
So today I am uber proud to announce to you all the second wave of the Cut The Crap megafranchise that’s gonna take this complex series of tubes by storm…
Wait for it…
Wait for iiiiit…
Oh, golly, I can’t stand it any longer!
IT’S CUT THE CRAP VIDEO GAME REVIEWS!
As much I spend an unhealthy amount of time playing video games as it is, I think my retinas are getting enough of a workout watching all these damn movies. That being the case, I’ve gotten my good pal Nahuel to head it up and it looks to me like he’s gonna be kicking a whole bunch of ass with this thing.
So hop on over, check it out and welcome Nahuel into the world of writing like a crackhead. And hey, I even got my man Ben Bishop to put together yet another outrageously badass custom banner for this momentous occasion, so you gotsta check that out.
Hope you all dig it and applications are open to anyone interested in heading up Cut The Crap Petting Zoo Reviews. Keep it real.
- Aiden R.
Everybody’s Fine (2009)
VERDICT:
6/10 Sad Dads
Like a poor man’s About Schmidt, but not bad for what it is.
Everybody’s Fine is about an aging father whose wife dies and kids all cancel on him when he tries to stage a family reunion a couple months down the line. Not the kind to take a one-man family reunion sitting down, he packs his bags, gets a bonus stash of meds and heads out on a cross-country vacation to make surprise visits to all his estranged kids across the U.S. of A.
Back in the Winter of ’09 when this was first being promoted, everything from the poorly photoshopped poster (who is holding that camera and what is up with DeNiro’s face?) to the schmaltzy trailer gave me the impression that I knew exactly what I was setting myself up for. Chances are that I’m not the only one in this boat because as long as there’s Christmas there will always be feel-good fluff for the whole family following suit, but strangely enough, this is nothing like what I expected it to be.
This is not a Christmas movie, not in the least, in fact, it’s actually quite the downer of a trip as it quickly strays veers from “Oh, Harold, isn’t this nice?” to “Harold, I’m clean out of tissues and we need to call our kids NOW before they get hooked on crack in Mexico!” And while it’s not quite on par with walking into From Dusk Till Dawn expecting a crime thriller and then wondering where the hell all these vampires came from, it’s a bit surprising all the same. Nonetheless, it’s a welcome change from sitting through two hours of the same crap we get every damn holiday season.
For the most part, Everybody’s Fine is a quiet, simple movie about a father trying to reconnect with his kids while figuring out where he went wrong in the parenting department along the way. Nothing crazy, but it does the trick for what it’s trying to achieve. Decent, relatable characters, a sad family dynamic made up of children who make a habit of lying to their father’s face and just when you think there’s gonna be a breakthrough of sorts, the cycle of disappointment continues yet again.
I don’t know, there’s not a whole lot to say about the story because there’s only so much that goes on and only so many things to be gained from it, but like I said, it throws you for a loop early on and makes the plot somewhat upredictable as a result, so that’s good. Just not a very funny movie even when it tries to be, it contrasts a little too sharply from super subtle to super heavy for its own good and some of the plot devices are pretty suspect despite how unique they may be.
On that note, there were two questionable scenes in particular stuck out for me. The first involves DeNiro’s health being jeopardized after he realizes the hard way why you don’t give money to junkies at the train station and the other is how he confronts his kids about their lying tendencies during a near-death experience instead of just having them fess up in real life. Felt like a strange direction to take the plot in, could have been a lot more effective than they ended up being.
And as far as the acting goes, it’s good, but there’s no real opportunity for anyone involved to shine. DeNiro’s good as the father, and his kids are played by Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell who all do a good job, too. Yeah, that’s it.
Everybody’s Fine might be right up there with Brothers for having the most misleading ad campaign of 2009, and even though I’m glad it wasn’t what I expected, it’s still…fine. Wouldn’t exactly recommend it to anyone, but if someone forces you to watch it next December, don’t panic, buddy, you’re gonna be okay.
The Origins Project
Hey folks,
So my buddy Marshall from Marshall and the Movies has been putting together a quasi-meme of absolutely awesome proportions that he’s dubbing “The Origins Project” and recently got me and a number of other bloggers on board to dish out all the goods on how this little obsession of ours got started and continues to function without resorting to harakiri.
To check my entry out, hop on over here:
http://marshallandthemovies.com/2010/07/15/originsctcmr/
To check out everyone else’s (which I highly recommend doing because they are all absolutely fantastic), hop on over here:
http://en.wordpress.com/tag/the-origins-project/
Big thanks to Marshall for having me be a part of it. Very, very cool idea, my man.
Toy Story 3 (2010)
VERDICT:
8/10 Snakes In My Boots
What a beautiful goodbye.
Toy Story 3 picks up with our boy Andy all grown up at 17, heading off to college and far too interested in girls and Nintendos to pay any mind to the toys he once loved that are collecting dust in his foot locker. So in order to prevent getting sent to the town dump after being outgrown by their owner, the toys huddle up and soon find themselves the newest batch of playthings at a local daycare center where things aren’t quite what they first appear to be.
It’s been a while since I’ve seen the first two Toy Storys because apparently Netflix only has three copies in stock and about 30,000 people begging for ‘em, but even though I need to give them a refresher course before I can give them the reviews they deserve, these movies are hard to forget.
The thing is, I was nine when I first saw Toy Story, my family used to call me “Sid” after I thought it would be cool to get a buzz cut, it was a part of my youth and I still vividly remember going to see it in theaters with my dad. So watching this latest entry 14 years down the line really does feel like I’m seeing all my friends for one last time, something that I knew was coming and couldn’t wait for but was nevertheless a bittersweet departure if there ever was one. And that’s what this is all about, being able to move on while remembering the friends you made and memories you shared.
Being that I’m getting choked up just writing this freakin’ thing, you can probably guess by now that this can be a tear-jerking endeavor at times. For the most part it’s mostly what you’d expect – lots of fun and lots of laughs – but the closer it gets to the end, trust me, you’re gonna be glad you have those 3-D glasses on so that no one can see you weep in public (and that’s about the only reason to see this in 3-D, too). There was a point where things started to turn for the insanely dark and I had to wonder what the hell Pixar was going for, but you know what, big ups to Pixar for even veering in that direction at all.
It’s moments like these that made me realize how magical these characters are and what an amazing job these filmmakers have done bringing them to life. They’re not human beings, it’s not like it’s Andy trying to stop himself from getting sent to the dump, they’re plastic toys who can’t age and can’t bleed, but the fact that I see more of myself in Woody and Buzz than I do in most movies nowadays is truly something else. I mean, isn’t that what’s made these movies so great to begin with, that we can all connect with Andy and the toys and just remember what it feels like to be a kid again for two hours?
Man, these Pixar guys are getting heavier and heavier with their movies, and even though little Billy might not get all of what’s going on, I am all about it.
Everything that made Toy Story so wonderful to begin with comes out in full force here and reminded me immediately why I fell in love with this crew of action figures in the first place. Loved the opening scene that re-introduced us to Andy’s toys in even greater, action-packed detail as it did in ’95, loved it when Buzz started giving the toys a Cool Hand Luke rundown of all the rules that’ll land them in “The Box” and I loved that we finally got the Spanish cover of “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” that we’ve all been asking for.
And the voice acting is great as always. The two noteworthy additions this time around being the almighty Michael Keaton as Ken and Ned Beatty as the daycare kingpin, Lotso.
Toy Story 3 might not be the funniest or most toddler-friendly of the trio, but if this is as bad as it gets, the gang at Pixar should give themselves one more huge pat on the back for putting together a consistently phenomenal series the likes of which any franchise would kill for. Folks, I don’t know about you, but being a kid was great, and even though we all have to grow up and say our goodbyes some time, it still ain’t easy.
I need a hug.
Mugabe and the White African (2010)
VERDICT:
9/10 Ethnic Cleansings
Infuriating in the best way a documentary can hope to be.
Don’t be surprised if you haven’t heard of it and I would knock ya’ if the title isn’t exactly selling it for ya’ either, but this is one of the best movies I’ve seen all year and I would be flat-out flabbergasted to find a better doc in 2010. So hop on over to FlickSided to get the skinny, folks.
http://flicksided.com/2010/07/movie-review-mugabe-and-the-white-african-2010/
Anyone ever hear of Robert Mugabe before? Wikipedia the guy if not. Dude’s an asshole.
Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
VERDICT:
8/10 Blisters in the Sun
An awesome premise most awesomely executed.
Grosse Pointe Blank is about a lone gun assassin who, after completely dropping off the face of the Earth in order to pursue a life of contract killing, goes back home for his 10-year High School reunion in the hopes of re-kindling a relationship with the girl he stood up on Prom night back in the day and to pull off one last job without getting bumped off himself.
It’s like a mix between Analyze This, Desperado, and Romy and Michelle, it’s got something for the ladies, something for the fellas, and like I said, it is awesome.
So it’s directed by one George Armitage, and I don’t know why he quit the game after his next effort, The Big Bounce, because he is totally on point here. Sure, I heard that one sucked, but whatever, everyone deserves a mulligan once in a while. But a lot of why this all works without being grim as all hell – aside from it’s great script and cast - is the way Armitage goes about showcasing John Cusack’s given profession.
The kickass action scenes in particular are where this quality of his really shines. It all starts out with Cusack planting a sniper round into a guy’s chest to the tune of “I Can See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash and then keeps it going with a convenience store shootout set to Motorhead’s “Ace of Spades” and a hitman-on-hitman fist fight with The English Beat’s “Mirror in the Bathroom” playing throughout (love that band). I don’t know, maybe it’s just because this soundtrack is fucking phenomenal, but it’s a pretty boss action movie in its own right that has a great morbid sense of humor backing it up.
Alright, back to the script. This sucker is sharp, whether it’s a backhanded complimentary conversation between John Cusack and his old teacher or him brilliantly confessing his love to Minnie Driver while taking down a veritable SWAT team of trained assassins, it has a blast playing around with the hangups that come with the killing people with a living while trying to go straight and win back the love of your life at the same time. Incredibly witty, totally original, surprisingly relatable and endlessly fun. Simple as that.
And then there’s the cast, and wouldn’t ya’ know, even Minnie Driver’s not that bad.
But let’s start with John Cusack as our deather dealer at a moral crossroads, Martin Blank. I like John Cusack, but I don’t think I’m overstepping my bounds when I say that the guy can sometimes feel like a one-trick pony. He’s got the moody, reflective single guy shtick down pat and it’s done him good for quite a while not. But along with his turn in The Grifters, John’s actually a swell little fit for Martin. Never struck me as the Jason Bourne-type, but his nervous, suave and funny take on the character is spot-on and he got me wrapped up in Martin Blank right from the get-go.
Helping him out is a surprisingly good Dan Aykroyd as Blank’s rival, Grocer, which is surprising if only because I don’t think Aykroyd’s done anything worth noting since Trading Places and I never really took him for the killing type either. Alan Arkin also has some great moments as Blank’s shrink, Dr. Oatman, even if he’s just playing Alan Arkin like he always does. And since it’s a law that she has to be in every movie her brother’s in (not that I’m complaining or anything), Joan Cusack is great as his secretary, Marcella. And as for Minnie Driver as Blank’s main squeeze, Debi, she’s fine and a lot of that is probably due to her only being allowed to laugh once the entire time.
Woman really has an awful, awful laugh.
Folks, I’m not gonna lie, Grosse Pointe Blank is kinda the bomb. Fun from start to finish, really well done on every front and I was pretty damn close to giving it a 9. Only hangup has to do with the scenes between Cusack and Driver that more often than not just drags things along rather than keeps them moving. On the other hand, something tells my I’ll be singing a different tune about this complaint in subsequent viewings.
Even though it’s old hat by now, the whole professional killer-and-his-psychiatrist shtick will always be interesting and the High School reunion aspect is a great added, original twist that sets it apart amongst many other reasons. As so wonderfully stated by Joan Cusack after her boss asks, “Why are you so interested in me going to my High School reunion?” to which she replies, “I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere.” Being that I don’t know a whole lot about being someone who gets paid to kill people (and I’m hoping you’re all on the same page with me on that one), it’s a rip to see a movie that proves how amusing it actually is.
And the worst movie by M. Night Shamalamadingdong is…
THE HAPPENING!
I’ve been trying to refrain as of late from polls on a living director’s life work, but since I can’t see this guy’s career getting any worse than it already is, let alone someone actually entrusting him with their money, I think I’m doing the guy a favor.
Never saw this one, probably never will, but if I ever get around to doing a shitty movie marathon, that might very well change. All I know is that the wind is killing everyone. Sorry if that’s news, but you should probably thank me anyway.
The wind? Jesus Christ. Guy should have stopped while he was ahead.
RESULTS:
- The Last Airbender: 5 votes (didn’t see it, won’t see it)
- The Happening: 16 votes (didn’t see it, won’t see it)
- Lady in the Water: 6 votes (didn’t see it, won’t see it)
- The Village: 0 votes (would have been my vote)
- Signs: 2 votes (not bad)
- Unbreakable: 0 votes (actually really liked this one)
- The Sixth Sense: 1 vote (sounds like someone’s still mad about that restraining order from Haley Joel)
- Wide Awake: 1 vote (someone saw this?)
- Other: 1 vote for “It’s all been flaming hot crap the past decade, I can’t distinguish th” (too much hate, got cut off unfortunately).
Any predictions on what the hell his next “project” might be outside of living in a constant state of shame?
Despicable Me (2010)
VERDICT:
5/10 Daddy Warbucks
Well, folks, this one’s for the kiddies.
Yeah, wasn’t crazy about this one. Just makes me want to see Toy Story 3 that much more. Anywho, hop on over to FlickSided to get the full rundown.
http://flicksided.com/2010/07/movie-review-despicable-me-2010/
Shibby dibby.
Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005)
VERDICT
7/10 Change of Hearts
The best of the new trilogy even if that’s not saying a whole lot to begin with.
Revenge of the Sith takes place three years after the start of the Clone Wars with long-haired Anakin and scruffy Obi-Wan hunting down the leaders of the Separatist Army across the galaxy as Chancellor Palpatine plots to take over senate and reclaim galactic rule for the Sith with the help of a new padawan of his own.
When I first saw this back in ’05, sitting in a theater next to my friend who was dressed in a child’s Darth Vader costume, I thought this movie kicked all kinds of ass. I think I paid for admission another one or two times, all my friends followed suit and I’m pretty sure that at one point I made the regrettably idiotic statement of saying that it was “better than A New Hope and slightly worse than Empire.”
What can I say, you get to college, you think you’re hot shit for reasons unknown, so you say and do dumb crap that makes you feel shame when the time comes for you to pass along the fake ID. Live and learn, folks. Live and learn.
Anyway, watching it again five years later being the mature bastard that I am now, Episode III still stands as an improvement over George Lucas’ first two offerings, but once again, all the same problems are right there staring me in the face.
To his credit, it seems like all that hate mail finally got to Hayden Christensen and from the start it feels like he’s toned it down a bit as Anakin. Not as whiny, less of a hotshot even though his skills have vastly improved and he’s got a pretty badass mystery scar going on over his eye. Good start. But then the movie continues, Anakin starts to turn to the Dark Side, Christensen burns all the hate mail in a backyard bonfire and, whaddaya know, Anakin winds up being a total douche by the end ’cause Christensen can’t act for shit. God, listening to him belt out “I HATE-CHOO!” to Obi-Wan in that assclown voice of his while riggling around like the maimed freak he is made freakin’ skin crawl. Well, once a douche, always a douche, I guess.
Really wish that lava fire hadn’t gone out so fast.
And if that wasn’t enough, the same damn thing happens with Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine. For a while there, he was pretty damn good as Chancellor and he really brought that same sinister drawl that made him such an evil bastard in Jedi, but then he goes full-out Sith, he starts making the most laughable and bizarro facial expressions the second he pulls out his lightsaber and then he gets cornered by Mace and displays what might be the worst acting of the whole series. Embarrassingly bad performance and it is nothing short of flaming bullshit the way he nonchalantly offs those three Jedi when they’re trying place him under arrest. Just awful.
But on the other hand, Ewan McGregor is the bomb as Obi-Wan and does one hell of a job channeling Sir Alec Guinness throughout. It’s just nice to at least have one actor here who actually got better by the end of the trilogy instead of continually upping the suck, but after all, when does Ewan not kick ass? I rest my case.
And Yoda‘s pretty damn awesome, too. The way he walks into Palpatine’s chambers at the end and knocks out his guards with an effortless force push before they even knew what hit ‘em, the brief scene where he chucks his lightsaber into a clone tooper’s chest, jumps on top of him, pulls it right back out and keeps on dicing, the double-decapitation backflip he pulls off when he’s about to be the next victim of “Order 66″ – yeah, Yoda’s the man. Only problem is that he’s given some pretty annoying lines that don’t sound anywhere near as cool as they probably should thanks to his backwards grammar, but other than that, way to go, Yoda.
But let’s go back to the script, the one that still blows. Yeah, it’s still cool to see new places like Wookieville on Kashyyyk and Lavaland on Mustafar and it’s neat to see how everything connects between the trilogies, but it’s so hard to buy Anakin’s motivations for turning to the Dark Side because that love story between him and Padme is still absolutely horrendous. I don’t really know how Lucas could have fixed this problem since he essentially dug his own grave in Episode II in this regard, but since I could never buy their attraction from the get-go, it’s impossible for me to accept Anakin being so completely weak-willed, gullible and desperate over her survival as a result. And how about that ridiculous “She’s lost the will to live” excuse for killing off Padme during childbirth? What a hackjob plot device.
Like I said, new movie, same problems, but the whole “Order 66″ sequence really was great. Man, talk about one of your all-time bummers. The Jedis really should have seen that coming once the clone army fell into their laps though.
And as for the epic, very well-choreographed final battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin, it’s probably the best of the series, even better than Episode I. But can anyone explain to me why Jedis can predict and deflect lightsabers strikes like it’s nobody’s business but have apparently never received training in avoiding kicks to the face? Sounds like an awfully flawed way to train if you ask me.
Alright, I’ve rambled enough.
In short, going through the new trilogy again has been an interesting, if somewhat depressing experience. There are just so many snafus to count over the course of three movies, from Jar-Jar’s existence to horrendous casting calls to really, really unfortunate scripts and what might be the worst romantic arc I’ve ever come across that when push comes to shove, it’s hard not to feel disappointed by Lucas.
More often than not, I try my best to review movies on their own accord rather than compare them to a director’s past efforts, but, folks, this isn’t the works of Uwe Boll we’re dealing with, this is effing Star Wars. The trilogy as a whole isn’t bad and it definitely has its moments in terms of bringing the story full-circle and expanding the SW universe, but in light of knowing the kind of quality product that Lucas could have given us and the sixteen years he had between Episode VI and Episode I to put together something even better makes it feel that much more half-assed and fucked up for a franchise with so many eager, devoted fans.
Yes, Episode III is my favorite of the new trilogy, but now that I’m not of the “Holy crap, it’s the last Star Wars movie!” mindset like I was back in the day, it’s a pretty disillusioning ride. But, hey, what’s done is done and I’d still rather have this than nothing at all. Still think we all deserved better, but all’s not lost and it’s nice to have some closure, I suppose.
Eden Lake (2008)
VERDICT:
7/10 Tire Fires
About as brutal as they come.
Eden Lake is about a British couple who head out to the countryside for a romantic weekend getaway and everything goes just peachy for all of five minutes until they start getting accosted by a gang of dickhead teens who eventually vandalize their car and leave them stranded in the woods for no real reason at all. So the lovely couple confront the daft punks, the meeting does not go very well, the shit immediately hits the fan and they soon find themselves fighting for their lives.
It’s the debut effort by one James Watkins, and I don’t think a whole lot of people saw it to begin with let alone know who the hell James Watkins is, but when it comes to horror movies, this evil bastard is hard to forget. It probably falls somewhere in the vacinity of Hostel mixed with Children of the Corn, only all the kids wear tracksuits, say the C-word a lot and probably watch Kids a lot.
See, this here isn’t a scary movie, this is a horror movie. It’s twisted, it’s effing vicious and what it lacks in scenes that pop out of nowhere and make you scream like a little bitch (or is that just me?), it goes all-out in the jaw-on-the-floor department. Watching adults torture adults can be bad enough, and adults torturing children is a whole ‘nother whacked out ball game, but children torturing adults/children torturing children can prove to be a pretty unsettling medium when you push the envelope to the point of tearing it right in half.
I can’t give away any of the specific scenes here that made my good buddy Fred have to re-evaluate me as a non-homicidal maniac after I suggested he sit down to watch it with me, because that wouldn’t make me much of a bloodhungry film critic worth turning to, but trust me, this stuff is Bonkers. In one aspect, it’s kinda hard to like this movie and even go so far as to award it a 7 given some of the deviant shit it brings to the table, but all its qualities that might trigger your gag reflex are also the ones that make it work as well as it does.
And therein lies the drawback to Eden Lake, that it’s almost too damn nuts for it’s own damn good.
If our protagonists were running from ghosts, goblins or leprechauns, whatever, it’s just a movie, but since it’s all human-on-human violence that’s continually upping the ante on itself, it feels a lot more realistic than I expected it to be. There is a point, actually a couple points, where I can imagine viewers turning this off and immediately booting up a Care Bears DVD in the hopes of balancing out what just destroyed any last trace of innocence lingering around in their souls, but for those of us with iron stomachs and a healthy confidence that England’s youth aren’t actually this warped, you might just see the appeal.
Our man gal is played by Kelly Reilly and considering the stuff she gets put through by Watkins over the course of 90 minutes, she ends up being pretty convincing as a borderline badass by the Third Act. Never seen her in anything before, but she’s A-okay.
And we’ve also got good ol’ Michael Fassbender as her fiancee-to-be, and even though he’s fine here, I’m turning into quite the Fassbender fan. That dude kicks ass.
But, folks, Eden Lake is no effing joke. It’s definitely not for everyone, but if you’re jonesing for some funked up shit, this is gonna whet your appetite like a Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t tend to have conversations about movies the way I did in the wake of witnessing this bloodbath, but they were short, sweet and I couldn’t help but feel like everyone hated me a little for introducing it to them even if they all liked it. So see it, be appalled by it, recommend it to your sicko friends and revel in the terror. That right there is the mark of good horror.
Whip It (2009)
VERDICT:
5/10 Broken Records
Wasn’t expecting much, didn’t get much back in return.
Whip It is about a meek girl from Bumfunk, Texas who spends her days getting walked all over at school, work and home as she enters one beauty pageant after another at the stern encouragement of her mother despite her complete lack of interest in the “sport”. Then one day she walks into the Southern version of Hot Topic, she spots a flyer for a local roller derby, she tries out for the team, makes the team and discovers a skill and passion for it that she never knew existed. She hides it from her parents since they totally wouldn’t approve, she meets a boy, and she hip checks chicks left and right while gaining a confidence of most epic proportions.
It’s the directorial debut by Drew Barrymore - which is neat, I guess – and while she ain’t half bad behind the camera, I can’t kick the feeling that I’ve seen this movie before…like, thirty times before.
With the exception of the whole roller derby thing, everything about this movie has already been done to the point of exhaustion. It’s Rudy, it’s Rocky, it’s The Karate Kid, it’s every coming-of-age-despite-the-odds movie you loved growing up and by the time you finish watching the trailer, you know exactly how it’s gonna play out. And the worst part about it? The roller derby stuff is actually kinda lame.
Yeah, it’s nice to see our girl Bliss go from pipsqueak to Babe Ruthless and I’m pretty sure the desired effect was for me to be able to dig the whole roller derby thing right alongside her, but all it did was remind me how boring and unentertaining the sport is to begin with. Double leg whips? Nope, not cool. Jumping over chicks on roller skates? Yup, I can do that. Girls with hemorrhaging nosebleeds? SO HOT.
While the concept of catfights on rollerskates definitely sounds like the coolest thing right behind naked catfights on rollerskates, it’s actually pretty tame and slow thanks to some lackluster choreography and poor buildup during the one thing that should set this movie apart. Then again, I don’t really know how you make something like roller derby look cool, maybe turn it into a life-and-death competition like in Rollerball, but something tells me that this ancient mystery may never be truly solved.
But the script isn’t exactly helping matters either.
The dialogue goes from painfully unspectacular to eye-rollingly corny, and while this here picture’s got girl power to spare, I think I would have cared a little more if the characters and the stuff they had to say wasn’t so blah. Although it does touch upon that universal desire to have our parents be proud of us even if it’s not what they had in mind or even if they don’t quite understand what the big deal is, and those parts are good. But since those scenes only roll around towards the last half hour, the pros don’t outweigh the cons. Just felt sloppy in a lot of ways, doesn’t have a very good sense of humor either.
The cast isn’t too bad though.
The great Ellen Page is fits the bill as Bliss even though she doesn’t have a whole lot to work with, Marcia Gay Harden is good as her mom, Maeby from Arrested Development is fine as her best friend, Pash, and Daniel Stern (the wet bandit himself) is arguably the best of the bunch as her dad. Most of the best scenes this movie has to offer all include him and it’s just one more example of how there isn’t enough Daniel Stern in the world anymore.
Look, Whip It does have a good message that I’m all about and it also has some decent performances to back it all up, but other than that, it’s just kinda…there. For a moment there towards the end when everything finally comes to a head (shocker), this was bordering on a 6, but since I’ve had it up to here with unoriginality in movies these days, a 5 is where it stays. Sorry to all you biker gals in the crowd, it just wasn’t my thing.
Please don’t kick my ass.
And the best Chris Farley movie is…
TOMMY BOY!
Well, that was easy.
Good voting, y’all. No more SNL polls for a while, I promise.
RESULTS:
- Tommy Boy: 17 votes
- Black Sheep: 1 vote
- Beverly Hills Ninja: 2 votes
- Billy Madison: 2 votes
- Almost Heroes: 1 vote
Chris, buddy, you are still missed. Totally would have seen Grown Ups if you were in it.
Escape from New York (1981)
VERDICT:
8/10 Dead Men Walking
Not quite on par with The Thing, but it is a Russenter collaboration, so therefore it kicks much, much ass.
Escape from New York takes place in the distant future of 1997 where the crime rate has quadrupled and the best idea we could come up with to get things back on track was to move all the damn yuppies out of Manhattan, sanction it off on all sides and then throw all the criminals in there to go apeshit for the rest of their days. But then some yuppie gets pissed, hijacks Air Force One, crashes the sucker into the Big Apple, the President survives, he gets held for ransom by Isaac Hayes and so the military rangles up a notorious decorated war vet/bank robber who was on his way in there anyway to rescue the Prez in 24 hours before everything pretty much goes to hell.
I think I’ve already said everything that needs to be mentioned about how deeply I long for the glory days of when John Carpenter and Kurt Russell used to be best buds and made badass movie after badass movie after badass movie, but if this is all news to you, trust me on this one, those two were glorious together. The one noteworthy thing about this entry in their relationship that I haven’t already gone off about in reviews past is that this is where it all started, back in good ol’ ’81, and oh what a year that was.
On the other hand, there’s some pros and cons to that nifty little factoid.
The main con is that Carpenter’s not exactly at the top of his game from a directorial standpoint with this one, which is kind of strange considering that The Thing came out just one year later and that was an effing horror masterpiece. The main drawback is that this isn’t exactly the prettiest, most professional-looking movie at times, and sometimes that works in its favor since Carpenter’s not exactly taking himself dead seriously to begin with, but it’s hard not to notice how slowly the first half-hour crawls by and how rough around the edges the whole package tends to be. Point is, John’s not at the top of his game just yet with this one even if some aspects are very much on-point.
But whatever, it’s all part of the experience and pretty much everything else is the shit.
Carpenter’s story is cool as hell, his characters are all cool as hell, and while it’s not exactly The Road Warrior or Children of Men, the whole post-apocalyptic vision of New York is pretty cool, too. The dialogue is pretty choice for the most part and it does start to get pretty intense once the clock starts tickin’, but for all the flaws you can pick out about this movie, they all more or less get rendered null and void when Isaac Hayes rolls down the street a Cadillac pimped out with chandeliers for headlights.
And then you’ve got Snake Plissken, and that kinda sums it all up in a nutshell.
No, it never hurts to have a killer supporting cast backed by the likes of Ernest Borgnine, Lee Van Cleef, Harry Dean Stanton, Donald Pleasence and Isaac Hayes as the A-#1 Duke of New York, but come on, folks, it’s Snake Plissken. In what is arguably the best role of his whole damn career, Kurt Russell brings the one-man-army, just-don’t-give-a-fuck, don’t-I-sound-like-Clint-Eastwood-with-an-eyepatch pain in the way only he can and if there’s any reason to see this movie, it’s probably him. Dude was the inspiration for Solid Snake, guys, and with the exception of John Rambo, that’s a pretty boss statement that I’ll never be making again.
Whatever, you get the point. Kurt was the man, we need him back in top form. As if making it onto the banner wasn’t enough.
Yeah, Escape from New York is kinda dated roughly thirty years down the road, it’s very ’80s and it’s still an unabashed B-movie for all intents and purposes where our heroes often find themselves getting awfully lucky in some tight situations, but hell, it’s a personal favorite and it might fall somewhere into the realm of guilty pleasure if it wasn’t so flat-out fuckin’ awesome. A truly outstanding way to spend two hours even if it wasn’t until later that things really started to gel for John and Kurt. If only Escape from L.A. was of the same caliber…
I think we need another Escape from Russenter if you ask me.
Happy Belated Independence Day!
So I realized a day too late that it’s a lot harder to get out of a hot tub than I thought, so no review today, but the crap will be up and running as usual tomorrow. And with that out of the way, enjoy your Mondays, folks!
Atta boy, Billy.
The Killer Inside Me (2010)
VERDICT:
7/10 He-Man Woman Haters
It’s a Southern Fried American Psycho that makes Patrick Bateman looks like Atticus Finch.
Yup, this is one crazy little bastard, so hop on over to FlickSided to get the full scoop.
http://flicksided.com/2010/07/movie-review-the-killer-inside-me-2010/
And Happy 4th of July to all you Yanks in the crowd! Yeehaw!
Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002)
VERDICT:
6/10 Pity Parties
Hayden Christensen, this is why people hate you. George Lucas, thanks for not listening to your kids this time.
Attack of the Clones takes place ten years down the road from Episode I, Anakin - now a full-fledged, hotshot Jedi padawan under Obi-Wan’s tutelage – is tasked with protecting Queen Amidala (or Padme, as Ani likes to call her while rubbing her soft, smooth back, that dog) after a failed assassination attempt while the Galactic Republic and Jedi council try to prevent an all-out war from a separatist movement with the help of a clone army.
So, after getting all my Jake Lloyd and Jar-Jar hate out of the way and being nothing short of shocked at how generally abysmal Episode I was, I was pretty skeptical going into Episode II again even though I was pretty sure it couldn’t get any worse. Was expecting to come out of it with something along the lines of a 3 or a 4 ready to go, but to my surprise, this one actually kinda feels like a Star Wars movie. Granted, a lot of the same problems that screwed the pooch in Episode I are still awfully apparent here, but the fact that this isn’t a movie crafted for all the Dora and Spongebob fans in the crowd sure does go a long way.
The most prominent example of this overhaul being Jar-Jar’s comfortable new spot on the backburner. Not quite sure why he doesn’t just get a blaster to the brain – because I’m pretty sure that would have garnered this movie a 10 – but now that he’s not at the forefront of things, it’s a little easier to forget how shitty Lucas’ sense of humor has become. Amazing how much of a difference that one little change makes, even if it’s still totally absurd that he’s now Padme’s senatorial representative.
But like I said, there are still two issues that hold Episode II back in a big ol’ way.
The first snafu was casting Hayden Christensen as Anakin. Everyone warned me that he was worse than Jake Lloyd, and everyone was absolutely right. It’s one thing to suck at acting when you’re ten, it’s another thing to be 19 and still suck harder than the fourth-grader you nabbed the part from. God, Christensen is just such a whiny bitch and it’s twice as bad since this is the kid who’s supposed to become Darth Vader, the ultimate ruthless badass of the Star Wars universe. Honestly, no one would give a shit about Vader to begin with if all his dialogue in the original trilogy fell along the lines of:
“I hate Obi-Wan! Why won’t he let me do the Jedi trials!”
“I miss my mommy. I think I’m gonna cry again.”
“I hate sand! It gets everywhere!”
“Mommy, don’t die!”
“I’ll show that Obi-Wan! Someday I’m gonna be the most powerful Jedi ever!”
“MOMMYYYYY!“
“Fuck your well thought-out plan of attack, Obi-Wan! I’m gonna kick Dooku’s ass by myself, leave you out to dry and announce my attack as I run over to him. He’ll never see it coming! Okay, here I go…GYAAAAHHHHHDAMMIIIIT!!!!! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT FORCE LIGHTNING!“
Worst. Padawan. Ever.
Such terrible, terrible acting that’s beyond forced the whole damn time, I have no idea why they kept him around and I don’t think I’ve seen an individual bitch and moan this much since Greenberg. If Anakin were anywhere near as cool as he was in the Star Wars: Clone Wars animated micro series from Cartoon Network that came out a couple years after the fact, this complaint would be null and void. Man, Lucas could have taken a lot of pointers from that series.
The other big hiccup is Lucas’ shitty script. Just like with Episode I, it’s very cool to see the whole story unfold in regards to the intergalactic politics leading up to the Clone Wars and knowing how it all eventually plays out in the original trilogy, it’s awesome to see the Star Wars universe expanded from a visual standpoint and it’s good to see that things are much more Anakin-focused now. But also like Episode I, the dialogue, humor and character development are still crap.
I mean, honestly, what the hell was with Padme and Anakin’s relationship? Why is it that she falls for him further after he drops it on her that he single-handedly massacred an entire population of Tusken Raiders? That’s like those crazy chicks who sent marriage proposals to Jeffrey Dahmer after he got locked up for turning hobos into makeshift zombies. What in the hell does she see in this guy that would eventually lead her to marry him?
Ridiculous.
And I don’t know if we were just supposed to forget about little Ani or what, but why the fuck does Anakin look just as old as Padme now? Damn, puberty must hit those Tattooine folk like a bastard.
Also, forgot to mention itin the Episode I review, but aren’t those battle droids the most pathetic things you’ve ever seen? They’re terrible shots, they look dumb as hell, they’re voices suck and unless the odds are 200 – 1, they’re pretty much fish in a barrel. Hard to believe that those were the best designs that Lucas and his creative gaggle of apes could come up with.
But the one aspect where Episode I has the upper-hand is the action. For the most part, the action here is pretty meh and while the CG quality has been improved a smidge, it definitely doesn’t hold up to the pod racing or Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan/Darth Maul fight scenes. The opening chase through Coruscant felt like Lucas had been taking notes like gangbusters during The Fifth Element, the only thing relatively cool about the final showdown was Yoda and his mini-flips against Dooku’s limp-dick lightsaber, and am I the only one who thought that the fight in the dark between Anakin and Dooku just looked like two guys stuck in rave party? What was that about?
Then again, the chase through the astroid field with Obi-Wan and Jango Fett was great (also glad that the Fetts play such a significant role in this since Boba only had so much going for him in the original trilogy despite how effing boss he was).
But as much as I can shit on Episode II, it’s still a big step forward from Episode I. The overall tone is a lot darker and a lot more serious, Obi-Wan‘s getting to be the shit even though Anakin is clearly not heading down that road, it’s cool to see how the Clone Wars started both on and off the battlefield and, again, it’s a movie that can be appreciated by nerds young and old. Yeah, it’s still the second-worst in the series, but I’m pleasantly surprised by how much better it was than I remember it being. Extra screen time for Yoda and Mace always helps, too.
All the same, I really can’t believe how big of a pussy that Anakin is.
Juno (2007)
VERDICT:
8/10 Home Skillets
It’s all about the quirky, and the quirky is awesome.
Juno is about a spunky Midwest High School teen who gets knocked up by her sorta boyfriend and instead of “taking care of it”, she decides to keep the bun in her oven, find a perfect little couple who can’t have kids of their own and give the tyke up for adoption.
So, this here is the third effort by director Jason Reitman, it’s also the third Oscar-nominated effort by Jason Reitman, and as far as batting averages are concerned, I’d say the dude’s more or less hitting dingers blindfolded at this point. I’ll wait for the day when he finally wins Best Pic/Director to truly gush over him, but, to put it briefly, this is just one more wonderful example of a guy who really knows a thing or two about getting the most out of fresh dialogue, character-driven scripts and mirroring the visual style with the tone of the story.
Yes, Reitman is no joke, but let’s not beat around the bush.
I’ve already gotten into my fair share of arguments/fist fights with nay-saying friends and drifters about Diablo Cody’s Oscar-winning debut script and, as tiring as it can get, I will continue to stand up for the gal until the pass out from the pain. Here’s the thing about the dialogue in Juno – no, no one really talks like this, that point I’ll concede. No one’s called something “wizard” when they thought it was cool since Piggy tried to speak up in Lord of the Flies and if someone told me they were “forshizz up the spout”, I’d probably respond with, “Sorry, but I can’t sell you any cocaine.” But then again, why so much hate? Folks, if more screenwriters had an ounce of the fun and originality going for them that Cody displays so gorgeously and effortlessly here, this would be a pretty one-note website, and I would be so so happy about it.
I don’t know, it just feels unfair to focus so much on the dialogue as a detractor when it ties in so heavily to how genuine, touching and flat-out enjoyable Cody’s script is as a whole. Not saying you have to like all the quirk-speak by any means, because I would probably hang up the phone if my friend answered the other line with “Yo yo yiggedy yo!”, but this is just coming from a guy who digs it very, very much in this manufactured world of quick-witted teens. After all, I don’t see anyone giving Anthony Burgess shit for inventing a language in A Clockwork Orange.
Anywho, Cody’s also fortunate enough to have a wonderful little cast to work their magic for her. And I gotta say, even though I still haven’t seen Marion Cotillard’s performance in La Vie en Rose, I was really pulling for Ellen Page to nab Best Actress. She’s been kicking ass like whoa since Hard Candy and she freakin’ nails it as Juno MacGuff (great name). Perfect casting choice, still think she should have won it, she made that character impossible to not fall in love with.
Whatever, I’m kinda done with the Oscars anyway. Keep it up, Ellen, you’re one of the best in the game right now.
Michael Cera is still doing the whole George-Michael shtick (not to be confused with the singer/songwriter), and that’s fine, Jason Bateman is still doing the whole Michael Bluth shtick, and that’s fine too, but it’s his dynamic with the surprisingly solid Jennifer Garner that ends up being the real standout quality of the duo. And, not surprisingly, J.K. Simmons and Allison Janney are great as Juno’s parents. Those two are teh bomb, they need to get their due.
Also really like the Moldy Peaches soundtrack, which is kinda strange because I’m not all that big a fan of their stuff when I hear it outside the movie. Nonetheless, I’m a total sucker for that last rendition of “Anyone Else But You” by Page and Cera. Bonus points to Reitman for making it work, I suppose.
Look, at least once a year, there’s that special movie you see in a packed theater, trusty girlfriend/boyfriend at your side, that gives you a new lease on life, makes you want want to start sending Christmas cards to strangers and makes you forget about all those abysmel movie-going experiences with the jackass parents who brought their crying baby to Rambo. In 2007, Juno was that movie and it absolutely earned all the praise, money and love it got.
It hasn’t quite had quite the same effect on me since and some of the magic is kinda gone as a result, but the first time I saw Juno in primo circumstances, it was an easy 9 and a top contender for Best of the Year. At the very least, it was hands-down the best time I had watching a movie that year, and that goes a long way.
And let me tell ya’, if it weren’t for Juno, Bristol Palin would have screwed her mom over big time. Not quite sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but it is totally true.
Casino Royale (2006)
VERDICT:
9/10 Blonde Ambitions
Now this is how you reboot a franchise.
Casino Royale is about newly appointed double-O British agent James Bond who, with the help of a saucy little Treasury agent, sets out on a rogue mission to take down a terrorist bankroller in a high-stakes game of poker before his clients get to him first and attempt a global attack.
So, James Bond was kinda suckin’ there for a while.
Back in ’95, things were looking awfully promising thanks to Goldeneye standing as one of the best in the franchise (and the video game adaptation didn’t exactly hurt matters either), but then it all went kinda sour for the next couple entries. The subsequent video games were all flimsy knock-offs, the writers pretty much stopped trying altogether, and did anyone see Die Another Day? Yeah, fuck that. I don’t care how many times Halle Berry puts on that bikini, James Bond does not hang glide/surf away from an Arctic avalance on the hood of his car. That, kids, is what you call “jumping the shark”.
Anyway, four years go by, the curmudgeonly old bastards at Hollywood finally stop ignoring the obvious and bring back Goldeneye director Martin Campbell, ditch Brosnan (even though he wasn’t all that bad to begin with), forget that they ever gave the go-ahead to cast Denise Richards as someone named “Christmas Jones” and start the whole damn thing anew. Ballsy plan of action, but, good lord, did it pay off.
But first things first, people, ’cause Daniel Craig is arguably the best guy to play Bond after Connery. I’ll make my way down the Best Bond list when I eventually get around to pulling a marathon, but all the same, the dude is a badass, simple as that. Who cares if he doesn’t have those chocolate locks, who cares if no one’s ever really heard of the guy, who cares if he’s wildly different from every vision of the character that came before him? I’m sure that we all cared before we bought our tickets, but Craig did one bang-up job of shutting us the hell up. The guy is tough as nails, the ladies cannot resist his scent and no matter what you throw his way, he will brush that dirt off his shoulder and throw it right back in your face without breaking a sweat. Awesome, just what Bond needed.
Man, this is just a well-casted movie all-around.
All the things that can be said about Craig can more or less be said about Mads Mikkelsen as Le Chiffre – the most sinister Texas Hold’em junkie this side of Chris “Jesus” Ferguson. Never heard of the guy before, and aside from the occasional bloody tear, he doesn’t even have any eccentric physical attributes like a lethal bowler cap or wildly impractical metal teeth to distinguish him as the villian of our story. But give that guy five minutes, a knotted rope and a wicker chair with the seat cut out, and he is all set. Double awesome, just what Bond needed for an enemy.
And Eva Green’s not too shabby either as our latest Bond girl, Vesper Lynd. The reason she rocks is because she’s not Pussy Galore, she’s got attitude to spare, she’s pretty but she’s not a Playmate and there’s a lot more depth to her than just being the latest gal that Bond gets to screw. Very refreshing to have a complex character like her play opposite Bond for once and actually develop a relationship with him a la On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (the oft-forgotten Bond classic).
But so much of the credit goes right back to director Martin Campbell.
Because of him, this movie is nothing short of a two-hour adrenaline rush, it really doesn’t brake for anything whatsoever. From the black-and-white intro where Bond becomes 007, to the jaw-dropping parkour chase scene through the construction site and the foreign embassy, to the airport terrorist attempt, to the kind of poker tournament that the producers at ESPN2 would sell their children into slavery for, to Bond’s torture scene that made every man in the audience cross their legs and start wearing cups to work, and finally finishing up in an epic footchase through a sinking Venice. Dude, this movie is nuts, it’s an absolute blast and I really have no idea why the producers don’t just hire this guy every single time. Why fix something when it ain’t broken? Completely escapes me.
Only complaint is that it’s a bit hard to follow the complexities of the story the first time around since it’s kinda hard to listen while Bond is charging through walls and getting defibrillated back to life, but that’s an easy enough issue to remedy on the inevitable second viewing.
Man, I vividly remember when I went to see this for the second time in theaters (an occasion that rarely happens to me anymore) with my uncle – the movie starts, the movie ends, I ask him what he thought and he responds, “One of the Top Ten greatest movies of all-time.” As much as that sounds like one hell of a hyperbole, I gotta say, it was hard to argue against his follow-up comment of, “It’s got everything I could ever want in a movie, what more could I ask.”
It’s really a shame that Quantum of Solace was such a let-down and didn’t keep up with how out of sight this movie is in any way shape or form, but whatever, I guess it’s hard to break old habits. Nevertheless, Casino Royale is a phenomenal back-to-basics, gadget-free reinvention that reminds us all how totally effing fun and cool James Bond can be. Still not quite in my Top Ten, but an easy pick for one of the best action movies of the past decade.
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