Frost/Nixon (2008)
VERDICT:
7/10 Cheeseburgers
One more reason why I wished I had actually paid attention in history class throughout my life.
Frost/Nixon is a period piece about a series of investigative interviews held in 1977 between David Frost, a little-known talk show host with no journalistic experience, and Richard Nixon in hopes to get the ex-president to own up to the various cover-ups that led to his ultimate resignation.
It’s a good movie, but it doesn’t do a whole lot to revolutionize the “talking heads” genre. So if watching people talk for two hours isn’t your thing, Frost/Nixon isn’t going to be changing your mind any time soon. But I like “talking heads” movies, so I’m giving it my recommendation.
I really didn’t know much about the Frost/Nixon interviews up until this movie came out. Now, if you’re going into this thinking this is going to be a history lesson, like something along the lines of Thirteen Days, then not to worry. This is a movie that’s all about character development, not a re-enactment of a documentary. But even so, thanks to Nixon’s infamous presidency, the movie’s subject matter does a good job of holding your interest if you’ve never heard of the debates whatsoever.
The story of David Frost and his rag-tag team of investigators that are hell-bent on bringing Nixon to justice has its moments, but when push comes to shove, this movie’s all about Nixon. And Frank Langella does one hell of a job putting him to screen.
Even though Langella doesn’t look like Richard Nixon, it’s pretty much the only thing about Nixon that he doesn’t have down pat. It’s one wild show he puts on. You notice the physical differences for about the first five minutes, then you just get lost in him. It wasn’t long before I was thinking “This guy I’m watching here, this is the real Nixon. That other Nixon I learned about in high school is a damn impostor.”
There’s a reason he got nominated for an Oscar and he really makes this movie worth watching. He’s one of these guys that’s been in a million things but you can never remember his name, and apparently it’s high time he started being recognized. Making the audience feel sympathy for Richard Nixon is a feat in itself, but Langella does it like he’s been playing Tricky Dick all his life.
The directing is fine, the writing is pretty good, but like I said, Langella’s the reason to see Frost/Nixon. So keep your eyes open for the next movie he’s starring in.
Terminator: Salvation (2009)
VERDICT:
2/10 Lava-Covered Cyborgs
What a lame-ass, disappointing, flaming hot load of dog shit this movie is.
Taking place in 2018, Terminator Salvation follows John Connor as he leads the human resistance in the war against the machines with the help of a terminator/ex-con with a heart of gold. Yup, it’s the same old story.
I didn’t have very high expectations going in to this movie for a lot of reasons. Instead of being directed by James Cameron, it was helmed by a guy who goes by the assclown moniker of McG, an individual who’s only real claim to fame was directing the Charlie’s Angels movies. There are a couple things in that sentence that should be pretty big warning signs for you. To make matters worse, the rapper Common is in it. Not that his performance really detracted from the movie in light of everything else that goes wrong, but I’m a firm believer in that if you cast rappers in serious roles, you’re movie is a goddamn joke.
Also, I thought the new Transformers movie was coming out in June. I guess I was wrong.
For some reason, everyone in the future is only aloud to speak in yells and grumbles. They also have to say “John Connor” every five minutes, just so no one forgets. It’s all pretty strange, but man, 2018 is going to be annoying.
I know it’s a high order to try and make a movie, let alone a sequel, that’s on par with The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day, but then again, it couldn’t hurt to at least try. I never thought I’d be looking back on Terminator 3 as being the glory days of the franchise, but now it’s become a borderline masterpiece.
Terminator Salvation is boring, it’s horribly paced, the action scenes suck, and it adds absolutely nothing to the franchise in regards to both story and substance. The only slight saving grace of the movie is newcomer Sam Worthington as the new, friendly neighborhood terminator. He wasn’t great by any means, but he at least made the movie hardly interesting and I’m anxious to see him in James Cameron’s next movie, Avatar.
Still, not a reason to see this movie.
My friend and I laughed our way through most of this movie and he went so far as to call it one of the worst movies he’s ever seen in his life. And you know what, he’s not really that far off.
There are a million other things you could be doing for two hours instead. Maybe take up smoking crack. Much better use of your time.
God, I really hope that McG reads this one day.
You suck, dude. You blew it.
And your name’s Joe, ass.
Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005)
VERDICT:
1/10 Cross-Dressing Grannies
So here’s how I ended up seeing Diary of a Mad Black Woman.
My roommates and I were helping ourselves to some drinks on a Friday night, one thing led to another, and we ended up watching BET. Typical. To all of our surprise, we got completely engrossed in Madea’s Family Reunion and actually found it pretty funny in a “this is a lot like that dinner scene in The Nutty Professor, only it’s two hours long” kind of way. Then, in a haze of inebriation, we decided it would be a freaking great idea to set aside an upcoming night, rent a handful of Madea movies, and continue to have the best night of our lives.
For those of you who don’t know, Madea is a creation of Tyler Perry where he dresses up like an old black woman and gets all sassy on everyone’s ass. That’s him as Madea on the front of the poster, pointing at you with that damn grin, getting ready to whup some sense into you.
So a week or two go by and “Madea Night” finally arrives. I go to the Blockbuster around the corner and pick up Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I was tempted to pick up two Madea movies, but I wasn’t sure that we were quite ready to sit through all three hours of Madea’s Class Reunion just yet. I get back to the apartment and we’re pumped. We get ready to laugh our asses off and we all crack open a beer to celebrate. So I pop in the DVD, and thus begins one of the most disappointing Saturday nights in recent memory.
Turns out, Diary of a Mad Black Woman isn’t about Madea getting mad at people and writing about it in her diary, it’s actually about her granddaughter who doesn’t have the good sense to leave her husband that’s beating the shit of her and cheating on her with various neighborhood tramps.
Buzz. Kill.
So aside from really sucking all the fun out of what could have been a night spent watching Cops reruns, Diary of a Mad Black Woman is ultimately just a really, really shitty movie. I could go into specifics, but everyone’s seen a movie that’s so horribly bad in every way that a simple review of “It fucking sucks” pretty much says it all. If you haven’t caught on by now, this is one of those movies.
Maybe I’m a little sore because I had my hopes up and because my roommates and I spent the rest of the night apologizing to each other, wondering aloud what in God’s name we were thinking, but I have no one to blame but myself. All I can hope is that you don’t make the same mistake. If you already have, take comfort in knowing that someone else shares your pain.
The only reason this movie is getting a 1 Cross-Dressing Grannies is because Madea does actually show up for about a full minute of the entire movie to make a couple fart jokes and physically beat a child, barely rescuing the night from being a complete waste of time, money, hopes, and dreams.
If I were you, I’d stay away from Diary of a Mad Black Woman like it was trying to give you swine flu. I bet Tyler Perry’s a great person in real life, but if there’s anyone who sold their soul to the devil for fame and fortune, I’m pretty sure he’s that guy.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
VERDICT:
6/10 Naughty Robots
Meh. It is what it is.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines takes place a good ten years or so after the events of Terminator 2: Judgment Day and the story is pretty much exactly the same.
Arnold is the good Terminator again and he gets sent back from the future to protect John Connor and his wife-to-be (the future leaders of the human resistance in the war against the machines) against a bad, sexy, pimped out Terminator (aptly named “The Terminatrix”) that’s been sent back from the future to kill him.
Granted, the writers of T3 had a hard act to follow, but is this really the best idea they could come up with? “Judgment Day…but with a stronger Terminator…and we’ll make her hot! Brilliant!” It’s not a bad movie, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d seen it all before. The strong storylines of the first two Terminator movies are big selling points for me, and this series really deserved a better story than the one it got with T3.
And while I’ll give him credit for pulling off this role in his 50’s, Arnold’s Terminator in T3 is pretty lame. It’s not that he’s lost his touch or anything, it’s just that he won’t shut the hell up. Instead of the cut-to-the-chase, badass cyborg we all know and love/fear, someone on the writing staff screwed with Arnold’s speech patterns and gave him free license to give long-winded, witty robot dialogues. Not to mention that he also gets really emotional at times, I’m talking “on-the-verge-of-robot-tears” emotional. It was like someone replaced his processing chip with Johnny-5’s from Short Circuit. I don’t want that Terminator. No one wants that Terminator. Boo, T3 writing staff.
But even though Terminator 3 has the depth of a Wal-Mart kiddie pool, it’s still good popcorn fun. It’s got some good action scenes and a lot of eye candy, but damn, this movie needed to bring back Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor in a bad way. And why wasn’t Sarah Connor in the movie? Oh, because she died of lung cancer…from smoking too many cigarettes…not because she was fighting Terminators for a good portion of her life.
That. Is. Lame!
T3 doesn’t have the heart of the first two Terminators and it makes for a pretty forgettable experience in comparison, but it’s still worth seeing because, after all, it’s a Terminator movie. It’s not really adding to the series in any way other than moving the story along, but at least you’ll be entertained by it.
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
VERDICT:
10/10 Lever-Action Shotguns
Hands down, the best action movie ever made.
I was hanging out at my friend’s house a couple of months ago. There may have been some drinking involved. As these things usually go, by the end of the night we were tired, our hideous stomachs couldn’t take it any more, and we didn’t know what to do with ourselves but sit on the couch and go through the last of the blue cheese & hot wings Doritos. My solution (rather than stare at a blank TV screen): pop in Terminator 2: Judgment Day and fast forward to the last 40 minutes. Everyone cheered and I got many high-fives.
And that’s the story of how I saved the party.
T2‘s story is a lot like T1′s. Two cyborgs are sent back from the future, one of them is programmed to save the future leader of the human resistance in the war against the machines and one is programmed to kill that same resistance leader. Awesome.
The catch with T2 is that Arnold, the same Terminator model that was once sent back to kill Sarah Connor (the mother of the future leader of the human resistance, John Connor), is now a good Terminator and is protecting Sarah and John. Naturally, this takes a little getting used to for Sarah. To make things interesting, the bad Terminator is practically invincible, just as cold-blooded as Arnold in T1, and his body is made of liquid metal that can shape shift into giant knives and such. Double awesome.
As you can probably tell, this inevitably leads up to some great cyborg vs. cyborg fight scenes. And are there really better kinds of fights to be had? I think not.
Even though I’m a bigger fan of the original Terminator, Judgment Day really is an improvement on the first movie in every way (except for Arnold). The special effects are still pretty jaw-dropping even by today’s standards, the action sequences literally last anywhere between 20 and 30 minutes each, the character development is better, and it’s really surprising how much heart this movie has.
Just like T1, T2 also scared the crap out of me as a kid. Probably not a good idea to see people getting stabbed in the head when you’re 11. Still creeps me out to this day.
But it’s unfortunate that, aside from Arnold, T2 is pretty much the pinnacle of the acting careers for the rest of the cast, because they’re all great. Linda Hamilton does a total 180 with Sarah Connor, turning her from Olive Oyl with an ’80s perm in T1 to G.I. Jane on a steroid binge in T2. Edward Furlong, who plays John Connor, got arrested a couple years ago for trying to free lobsters from a seafood restaurant. Yikes. And Robert Patrick, the bad Terminator, made a cameo in Wayne’s World shortly after and then had a stint on The X-Files, but that’s about it. Man, what happened, guys?
Terminator 2: Judgment Day is more than just a perfect action movie, it’s a great story that’s told unbelievably well by James Cameron. He takes advantage of everything he couldn’t do in the first movie and outdoes himself on every front. Like I said in the T1 review, Cameron is a hell of a filmmaker and he’s really at the top of his game here, both from a technical and storytelling standpoint .
So next time you’re at a party and things are winding down, break open those Doritos and pop in T2. It’s a freaking blast and it’s one of those movies that never gets old.
The Terminator (1984)
VERDICT:
9/10 Childhood Nightmares
God, this is one hell of a movie.
Set in the 1980s, The Terminator is about the woman who will one day give birth to the future leader of the human resistance in the war against the machines, the killer cyborg that’s sent back from the future to kill a her, and the resistance fighter who’s sent back from the future to protect her. Yeah, that’s probably the best way to sum it up.
I’ve had a lot of heated debates with my friends as to whether this movie is better than Judgment Day, and while I’m usually in the minority, I will always stand by the original as my favorite. Key word there being “favorite”, not necessarily better.
The special effects don’t stand the test of time, the story involves time travel, so naturally there are plot holes, and it definitely doesn’t have the great production quality of its sequels. But you know what, who cares? All of that crap is overshadowed by the movie’s in-your-face story and the genuinely human characters that are fighting for their lives right to the very end. It’s sci-fi, it’s horror, it’s action, and it’s got some pitch black comedy in it to boot. Somehow it all fits together beautifully.
This movie is as much a completely original, intense, and badass experience as you’re likely to come by, and it scared the shit right out of me when I first saw it. Maybe I shouldn’t have seen it when I was 11, but we’ll see who’s laughing when you’re looking over your shoulder at night to make sure a crippled Terminator skeleton isn’t crawling over to kill your ass!
This is also the best that Arnold has ever been. And while he’s great in Judgment Day, the Terminator is such a better bad guy then he is a good guy. There’s a reason everyone still says “I’ll be back”. It’s because Arnold doesn’t fuck around.
The reason I liked this movie isn’t far from why I’m a big fan of the Evil Dead movies. The Terminator could have been a laughable mess – just re-read the story synopsis again – but just like Sam Raimi did with The Evil Dead, James Cameron didn’t let his financial and technical limitations stop him from turning this low-budget indie movie into one of the defining movies of an entire decade. And say what you will about Cameron, but the guy has made some damn good movies. Except Titanic. Sorry, ladies.
If James Cameron can turn a script like The Terminator into movie gold on a shoestring budget, then anyone can do it. And that’s why I like this movie more than its sequels, because it’s a testament to the power of storytelling if there ever was one. Nowadays, where action movies and summer blockbusters are defined by eye-candy and figuring out ways to one-up The Matrix, The Terminator is a much-needed reminder that sometimes all you need to make a great movie is a fresh story with some serious attitude.
So if you’ve only seen the sequels, do yourself a favor and check out how the whole thing started.
The Wrestler (2008)
VERDICT:
8/10 Flying Headbutts
Mickey Rourke should have won the Oscar for this.
The Wrestler is the story of Randy “The Ram” Robinson, an aging wrestler who is a good decade or two past his prime but nonetheless keeps on ticking as he struggles to reclaim his former glory as king of the ring.
I don’t know if I’ve been out of the loop or something, but has Mickey Rourke always been this awesome? I think Sin City and Diner are the only other movies I’ve seen of his, and while he was good in both, it wasn’t anything to write home about. I guess time and a brief underground boxing stint is just what Rourke needed.
The story of The Wrestler is decent, but it’s been done before. Maybe not with wrestlers, but we should all be familiar with the “washed-up tragic hero trying to regain his 15 minutes of fame” riff by now. This movie reminded me a lot of There Will Be Blood in that it plays out as a kind of soapbox for the actors involved to carry the story along. Not that that’s a bad thing, it landed Daniel Day-Lewis an Oscar after all. But if The Wrestler‘s story was as good as its acting, this movie would be an easy 9 Flying Headbutts.
I’ve never seen the draw to the world of wrestling, probably because I can pretend fight too, but if The Wrestler accomplishes anything over the course of two hours, it does add a kind of legitimacy to the franchise in a way that I thought was impossible. But while it does add a human element to the art of sweating and groaning in Speedos, I still don’t think I’ll be tuning in to Smackdown! any time soon (is that still a thing?).
Going into this movie, I wasn’t expecting to like “The Ram” or be able to connect with him whatsoever. But strangely enough, Rourke somehow makes him into this endearing, passionate lug of a guy who can make you smile on and off the mat. If he asked me to grab a beer and play Nintendo with him, I’d be happy to spend the time.
Even Rachel Wood and Marisa Tomei (nude much?) are also great and deserve the attention that’s been coming their way. It’s great to find a movie where everyone just feels real, like they’re actually interacting with one another instead of acting the way the director tells them to.
And that’s the thing that I loved most about this movie, that a lot of it doesn’t feel scripted. The dialogue for the most part feels very natural and chatty, some of the conversations even had me cracking up. It wasn’t until after that I heard Rourke had actually ad-libbed a number of scenes where he’s talking and interacting with the cast. You’ll be able to point them out immediately, and I don’t usually dig when actors ad-lib for the sake of ad-libbing, but they’re some of the most standout moments the movie has to offer and are a real testament to Rourke’s skills as an actor.
Darren Aronofsky, the movie’s director, also needs to be mentioned. If you’ve never heard of him, IMDB him pronto and Netflix everything he’s done. He’s one of the best filmmakers out there and one of the only guys continuously putting out really good, really edgy shit. Can’t plug this guy enough, man’s a freakin’ genius.
It’s no surprise to me that I liked The Wrestler so much and it really does live up to all the hype. It’s genuinely human, it’s painfully violent, and it’s a movie that’s still running through my head over a month after seeing it. So check it out.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
VERDICT:
10/10 Flesh Wounds
Hands down, the funniest movie ever made.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail is a bat-shit crazy re-telling of the story of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table as they are sent on a mission from God to search for the Holy Grail. Sounds strange? That’s because it is.
Where the Monty Python guys came up with this storyline is beyond me, but it’s really not the story that makes this movie so funny. The whole thing is really just an excuse for the British comedy troupe to make the silliest, most irreverently funny movie they could imagine. And by using a serious and legendary story like that of King Arthur’s as the background of what plays out on screen, it just makes everything that much crazier.
There’s not a whole lot of character development and it’s safe to say that a lot of it doesn’t exactly make sense either, but that’s why people like it. You don’t need to think very hard to enjoy Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and that’s probably why it’s funny regardless of how old or young you are.
But I’ve come to find that this movie can go either way with women, as they find it either gut-bustingly funny or “that stupid movie my boyfriend forced me to watch.” But hey, to each his own. It’s not for everybody and you’ll know by the first five minutes whether you’ll like it or not when Spanish music starts blaring from your TV and the names of the cast and crew in the opening credits all change to “Red Whooping Llama III”.
The first time I saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I was in sixth grade. All I really remember about the experience was a shortness of breath for two hours and thinking what the general reaction would be from my friends if I ended up pissing myself from laughing so hard. And there are maybe only two or three other movies that I found this hilarious as a kid and still find hilarious today (Dumb and Dumber holds a particularly close place in my heart in this regard).
If for some reason you’ve never seen it before and this sounds like something that’s right up your alley, watch it immediately. It’s absurd and totally insane and the Monty Python guys are fully aware of it so that you won’t feel like you’re watching mental patients screwing around with a camera for two hours.
This is a perfect comedy and there’s nothing else like it.
Ni.
Brick (2005)
VERDICT:
8/10 Sketchy Teens
Mix two parts Chinatown, one part The Breakfast Club, bake for two hours, simmer on low, and you’ve got yourself Brick.
It came and went pretty quickly when it was out in theatres, but since the movie’s director, Rian Johnson, is coming out with his latest movie this weekend, The Brothers Bloom, figured this is as good a time as any to review this overlooked gem.
Brick follows Joseph Gordon-Levitt, a high-schooler/private eye in modern-day Midwestern America, as he investigates the unsolved murder of one of his fellow classmates.
Now you might be thinking, “Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the kid from Third Rock From The Sun?” Yes, that Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not to be mistaken with that other Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He did a couple movies here and there once Third Rock wrapped up, but it wasn’t until a friend suggested this movie to me that I was thoroughly convinced he was capable of playing more than just a quirky teenage alien. Then again, doesn’t seem like a very hard role to break away from to begin with.
I would even go so far as to say he’s one of the best up-and-coming actors out there today. And if you’re not convinced of this by the time you finish watching Brick, then see The Lookout next. The kid can act and he can definitely carry a movie.
After seeing hundreds upon hundreds of movies that have the same story rehashed over and over again, I’ve developed a craving for original, genre-bending movies that try for something different instead of what’s familiar. And if you haven’t picked up on it already, the genres that Brick is comprised of (film noir/detective story with teenagers) usually don’t fit together all that well.
It’s hard to convince someone that a movie where teenagers run underground heroin rings and talk like they’re hardened 40-year-old men who’ve just finished a stint in jail with Humphrey Bogart and James Cagney as their cellmates would be anything less than laughably bad. But then again, the fact that Brick takes all these things and makes them all work so well together is what makes this movie that much easier for me to recommend.
Brick is a really cool, really unique movie with a gripping story that’ll keep you guessing until the very end. So if you’re looking for something different with really badass dialogue and acting, then give Brick a look.
It also has one of the best closing credits songs of all time. So that’s cool too.
Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000)
VERDICT:
0/10 Bong Hits
I watched this on TV with my roommates a couple weeks ago. I never had any desire to see this thing, but they all said they laughed their asses off when they saw it back in high school, so I figured I’d give it a chance. Needless to say, time has been unkind to Dude, Where’s My Car? as the crickets echoed throughout a room completely devoid of laughter. Apologies from my roommates quickly followed.
The movie’s about two annoying, un-funny bastards who can’t find their car after a night of heavy drinking. Wow, sounds awesome.
The rest of the movie involves aliens in the form of gay, muscle-bound Germans looking for a Rubik’s cube or something, a Jonestown cult that dresses in bubble wrap, and an astounding amount of dialogue consisting of these two dickheads saying “Dude!” and “Sweet!” to each other. Comic gold, indeed.
Honestly, is this really a movie you want to see, something you want to spend time on instead of sniffing glue? What about the poster, the title, or anything you could have ever heard about this movie would ever make you want to entertain the idea of wasting your time or money on this dung heap?
If you want to see Seann William Scott being funny, watch Road Trip. If you want to see Ashton Kutcher being funny, watch That 70’s Show.
If you’re not like me and already have good memories of this movie back when dick jokes made you wet your pants, cherish those times and never look back. Go pass a kidney stone/birth a child instead.
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