Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005)

VERDICT:
1/10 Cross-Dressing Grannies

So here’s how I ended up seeing Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

My roommates and I were helping ourselves to some drinks on a Friday night, one thing led to another, and we ended up watching BET. Typical. To all of our surprise, we got completely engrossed in Madea’s Family Reunion and actually found it pretty funny in a “this is a lot like that dinner scene in The Nutty Professor, only it’s two hours long” kind of way. Then, in a haze of inebriation, we decided it would be a freaking great idea to set aside an upcoming night, rent a handful of Madea movies, and continue to have the best night of our lives.

For those of you who don’t know, Madea is a creation of Tyler Perry where he dresses up like an old black woman and gets all sassy on everyone’s ass. That’s him as Madea on the front of the poster, pointing at you with that damn grin, getting ready to whup some sense into you.

So a week or two go by and “Madea Night” finally arrives. I go to the Blockbuster around the corner and pick up Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I was tempted to pick up two Madea movies, but I wasn’t sure that we were quite ready to sit through all three hours of Madea’s Class Reunion just yet. I get back to the apartment and we’re pumped. We get ready to laugh our asses off and we all crack open a beer to celebrate. So I pop in the DVD, and thus begins one of the most disappointing Saturday nights in recent memory.

Turns out, Diary of a Mad Black Woman isn’t about Madea getting mad at people and writing about it in her diary, it’s actually about her granddaughter who doesn’t have the good sense to leave her husband that’s beating the shit of her and cheating on her with various neighborhood tramps.

Buzz. Kill.

So aside from really sucking all the fun out of what could have been a night spent watching Cops reruns, Diary of a Mad Black Woman is ultimately just a really, really shitty movie. I could go into specifics, but everyone’s seen a movie that’s so horribly bad in every way that a simple review of “It fucking sucks” pretty much says it all. If you haven’t caught on by now, this is one of those movies.

Maybe I’m a little sore because I had my hopes up and because my roommates and I spent the rest of the night apologizing to each other, wondering aloud what in God’s name we were thinking, but I have no one to blame but myself. All I can hope is that you don’t make the same mistake. If you already have, take comfort in knowing that someone else shares your pain.

The only reason this movie is getting a 1 Cross-Dressing Grannies is because Madea does actually show up for about a full minute of the entire movie to make a couple fart jokes and physically beat a child, barely rescuing the night from being a complete waste of time, money, hopes, and dreams.

If I were you, I’d stay away from Diary of a Mad Black Woman like it was trying to give you swine flu. I bet Tyler Perry’s a great person in real life, but if there’s anyone who sold their soul to the devil for fame and fortune, I’m pretty sure he’s that guy.