Kill Bill: Volume 1 (2003)
VERDICT:
7/10 Dead Extras
In honor of the late David Carradine, I’m going over the only movies I’ve ever seen him in. A fitting tribute to a good actor and one smooth mofo.
Kill Bill: Volume 1 is about an elite assassin, The Bride, who is put into a coma by her co-assassins and her boss, Bill, then wakes up years later and, not surprisingly, heads on out to kill Bill and the rest of the jerks who tried to snuff her out. As you might expect, this movie gets pretty violent. Scratch that, it gets extremely violent.
I first saw Kill Bill: Volume 1 with a group of friends on opening night when I was still in high school. I think I was just allowed to start seeing “R”-rated movies without mommy or daddy, so this was big for me. Maybe it was just the thrill of it or the added reactions that came from the packed theater, but seeing Kill Bill was the most fun I’ve ever had seeing a movie and it’s still high up on the list.
It’s a lot of fun, it’s got a lot of shock value to it, and the action scenes were unlike anything I’d ever seen. And I was really into The Matrix at that time, so that says a lot.
Since first seeing Kill Bill and watching it a couple more times over the past five years, it’s not as incredible as it once was, but it’s still a wild time and it’s still an great action movie. It’s not as good as Kill Bill: Volume 2, but then again, they’re both very different movies. Volume 1 establishes the story and the characters, but it’s more an about style over substance as the violence quickly goes from realistically graphic to over-the-top/borderline hilarious. Volume 2 places a greater emphasis on the story and character development, but tones down the non-stop action, even though it has the best fight scene of both movies.
It’s also written and directed by Quentin Tarantino. And if you’ve seen other movies of his, than you should know exactly what kind of movie you’re getting into; only now there’s less talking and more blood. But if you’ve never seen anything by Tarantino, then this movie is going to throw you for a loop. Go watch Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs before this anyway.
The writing and acting are good, but Tarantino’s done better. Then again, these are some hardcore roles for the women involved and they do a damn good job creating some great, coldblooded characters.
And like all Tarantino movies, Kill Bill is an exercise in cool, and this movie is cool as hell. Only this time it’s with kung-fu.
So if you’re looking for a great action movie where the limbs fly and the characters kick a silly amount of ass, then you just hit the jackpot, my friend. David Carradine (Bill) doesn’t really show up until Volume 2, but whatever. He’s still a badass.
Old School (2003)
VERDICT:
8/10 Lonely Streakers
God, I miss college.
Old School is about a three middle-aged buddies who move into an off-campus college house and start up their own fraternity. It’s about as close a thing to Animal House 2 as we’re ever going to get, and that should be reason enough to make you want to see this movie.
Watching older men act out roles that are typically played by people far younger is almost always a winning formula. That’s why Step Brothers worked; another funny movie. And after all, who wouldn’t want to go back to college? This is quality comedy writing at work, director Todd Philips (The Hangover) knows how to get the most out of his cast, and while it’s not high-brow stuff by any means, it’s not just drunk jokes either.
Everyone in this movie is hilarious in their own way, but, not surprisingly, Will Ferrell steals the show as Frank “The Tank” – an amorphous blob of a man whose drinking habits and overall existence rings very similar to Bluto Blutarsky. Vince Vaughn isn’t as big on the physical humor as Ferrell, but he does the whole “ad-libbing on speed” routine pretty damn well considering he does it in every movie. And I’m not saying that as a bad thing because he’s funny as hell.
I don’t want to say too much more because this movie cracks me up every time I see it and I’d hate to ruin the experience if you’ve never seen it before. But as a heads up, Old School is an adult comedy that takes full advantage of its “R” rating. So if you can handle nudity (both male and female), constant swearing, and someone accidentally shooting a tranquilizer dart into their neck, then go watch this movie already.
And don’t watch it on TBS. I don’t care if they play it every other night. Movies on TV suck and you’ll miss out on all the best parts. So go out to Blockbuster, throw a beer run in there while you’re at it, tear the sheets off your bed, wear them like a toga, and have yourself a time.
He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)
VERDICT:
3/10 “Dear John” Tweets
Is this movie supposed to make women feel better about themselves or something? I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m a guy and I have a great girlfriend that I am into, but I don’t get it.
He’s Just Not That Into You is about a slew of various asshole guys who aren’t into various women for various reasons and the discouraged women on the other end who can’t understand why these assholes aren’t into them. How profound.
It’s a movie based off a relationship advice book which is devoid of story, so the writers just kind of whipped one up I guess. As a result, the movie plays out like it was written in bullet points and you don’t really end up caring for any of the characters involved.
The acting is incredibly meh, proving once more that just because there’s six thousand famous people in it doesn’t mean it’s going to be good. Unfortunately for the cast, the funniest part came when Drew Barrymore got dumped by yet another asshole guy and someone in the movie theater took it upon himself to inform Drew that she just got “BURNED!” Don’t remember laughing otherwise. When all is said and done, He’s Just Not That Into You isn’t one of those things you’d be likely to ever revisit after one viewing.
It has a couple decent points about relationships, but like I said, none of it will really boost your self-esteem in any way either. The morals of the movie boil down to a few choice things that get repeated many a time: if a guy likes you he’ll make it damn clear that he does, don’t be psycho, and don’t cheat on your significant other, just don’t do it. Boom, just saved you two hours.
Girls, if you like reading Cosmo, this is probably right up your alley. Guys, unless you have a closet obsession with reading your girlfriend’s Cosmo when she’s not around, then you won’t like this.
He’s Just Not That Into You doesn’t have anything all that new to say about relationships and unless you’re going to see this on your next ladies night, I’d suggest reading the book instead.
Wall-E (2008)
VERDICT:
9/10 Android Valentines
I was usually not the type to go see this kind of movie without having someone pay for me to see it. Stupid, I know, but I’ve changed for the better. But thanks to a boring Sunday afternoon and there being nothing better out in theaters at the time, I dragged my good buddy Fred along for the ride and figured “Toy Story‘s good shit, so why not see Wall-E?”
I’m glad I made the call because Wall-E was easily one of the best movies to come out in 2008.
Wall-E takes place centuries into the future where a lone compactor robot named Wall-E is left to clean up a garbage-ridden Earth that has been abandoned by a race of fat bastard humans who now live in an enormous space station so they can avoid responsibility for jacking up their planet.
Yes, it has green overtones to it, but whatever, we are jacking up the planet. Even so, this isn’t An Inconvenient Truth: The Animated Version. It’s not preachy by any means, so don’t hold that as a reason to avoid this movie.
Anyway, one thing leads to another and Wall-E goes on an adventure in space when he falls in binary love with a souped-up future robot named Eva. Typically, the idea of a storyline that’s more or less driven by robo-romance doesn”t really appeal to me, but I’d be doing you the reader a disservice if I didn’t admit to getting choked up by this movie. It’s not cool to tear up in front of my buddy Fred, but I couldn’t help it. It isn’t long before you forget about the characters’ metal shells and start connecting with them on a very human level.
The main complaint I hear from people who didn’t like this movie is that there’s hardly any dialogue. And there’s not, but that’s the beauty of it. Good storytelling is about showing emotion, not telling it. Anyone can just say outright that “I’m mad at you!” or “I love you!”, but expressing those emotions through a character’s actions instead is a talent that speaks far louder, and that’s what Wall-E does best. The lack of dialogue in Wall-E doesn’t detract from the experience whatsoever; all I know is that this movie would have been a lot worse if Wall-E was spouting off lines like C-3PO.
I could go on, but Wall-E is just one of those movies that you’ll enjoy no matter who you are. I’d be shocked if anyone told me otherwise. It’s visually breathtaking, it’s entirely entertaining, and it’s got everything that makes Pixar movies great time after time.
So give it a whirl. Just because it’s animated doesn’t mean it’s a kid’s movie.
The Foot Fist Way (2006)
VERDICT:
6/10 Kiddie Beatdowns
Freaking hilarious at times, but also one of the darkest and most depressing comedies I’ve ever seen in my life.
The Foot Fist Way is about a thirty-something tae-kwon-do instructor played by Danny McBride whose life is quickly and soundly going right down the shitter in every aspect. I’m all for dark comedies, but Jesus Christ. You know when you’re in bed and sometimes it’s so dark that you can wave your hand in front of your face and not see it? It’s that dark.
I had pretty high expectations going into this movie considering it was the first thing directed by Jody Hill, starring Danny McBride, and it was written by the same guys who did Eastbound and Down, one of the funniest shows I’ve seen in recent memory. The Foot Fist Way is a pretty straightforward effort with a promising premise and simple production value. I say it’s a promising premise because I’m one of those guys who thinks it’s funny to watch guys curse out kids in comedies. Don’t believe me? Watch this.
Still don’t believe me? Then you can probably do without seeing this movie.
There are flashes of comedic brilliance in The Foot Fist Way, but it’s crazy how starkly contrasted they are by an overwhelming amount of horribly depressing plot developments that all result in Danny McBride getting shit on even harder than the time before. God, this movie had me cringing at times.
I haven’t seen Observe and Report yet, Jody Hill’s most recent movie, but from what I’ve heard, the overall grim tone is pretty similar. Just a really strange direction to take the movie in.
On the other hand, I am completely converted to the comedic genius that is Danny McBride. His performance and some of the choice lines he’s given are the only reasons to see this movie, and that’s pretty good reason. If you get a chance to see this, I’d recommend fast-forwarding through the downer scenes and just skipping over to McBride’s better scenes.
Then again, you can probably just save yourself a lot of trouble and wait for Eastbound and Down to come out on DVD.
The Foot Fist Way is a decent movie, and while it can be completely hilarious, it sucks that I can’t shake how borderline unsettling it is. It’s really crude, really raunchy, has lots of bad words in it, and when it works it’s gold. But when it doesn’t, God almighty does it bomb.
Drag Me To Hell (2009)
VERDICT:
8/10 Hemorrhaging Nosebleeds
Went to see this yesterday with my good buddy Fred, and what a freaking time it was.
Drag Me To Hell is about a female loan officer that denies the ugliest gypsy woman alive a loan on her house in order to move up in the workplace…and subsequently gets a demonic curse put on her soul as a result. Karma’s a bitch.
After seeing all of Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead movies (which are all great, by the way), I had a pretty good idea of what I was going into. The thing with Raimi and horror movies is that they’re not so much scary as they are “nightmare thrill rides” per-se. He isn’t so much aiming to make a movie that will scare the shit out of his audience as he is to give them a wild, visceral, in-your-face time and then give it a title that implies it’s the most horrifying thing ever created.
Drag Me To Hell is essentially two hours of the main character being terrorized by evil spirits in more bizarro ways than you could ever imagine, and for people like myself, that kind of stuff can be scary. Then again, I’m a bitch when it comes to horror movies. But for people like my buddy Fred who isn’t frightened by things that can’t actually happen, the experience was hardly frightening.
Doesn’t mean you’ll be scared by the movie or not, but that’s kind of the point. Even if this movie doesn’t scare you, it’s a fun, fun, fun, fun movie allf the same. It’s damn gross at times but it’s always goddamn hilarious in a “Did I really just see that?” kind of way.
The story’s not very deep, it’s all pretty predictable, and the acting suffices. But it’s the writing and the great directing that really makes Drag Me To Hell as awesome as its title. One of those instances where you really start to notice and appreciate how directing makes a difference in the way stories are told through movies. Just another reason to check it out.
Look, if you know and love the Evil Dead movies, then go see this already, dammit. But even if you just like enjoying yourself when you go to the movies and need an excuse to not get roped into seeing Terminator Salvation, then please see this movie. I’d see this again in a heartbeat.
The moral of Drag Me To Hell: Don’t be greedy and DO NOT fuck with gypsies.
Army of Darkness (1992)
VERDICT:
7/10 Boomsticks
The weakest entry in the Evil Dead trilogy, but a pretty good movie all the same.
Like most sequels, Army of Darkness conveniently picks up where Evil Dead 2 left off. Our guy Ash is now stuck in Medieval times after getting sucked into a time portal by the Necronomicon and once again has to fight, you guessed it, an army of darkness in order to make his way back home. It’s weird, the whole movie is pretty weird, but just go with it.
As I mentioned in the Evil Dead 2 review, Army of Darkness isn’t really a horror movie. It’s got horror elements to it, being that a good deal of the movie does involve Bruce Campbell fighting the undead among other bizarre encounters, but if you’re going into this movie thinking your going to see Evil Dead 3: Blood Hose, you’re not gonna get it.
It’s not as memorable as the other Evil Dead movies, but on the other hand, it’s probably the most accessible of the bunch. Sam Raimi has a bigger budget to work with, the special effects are far better, it’s funnier, and it’s nowhere near as gory and twisted as its predecessors.
This is like the Nerf version of The Evil Dead. I had to double-check to make sure this movie was rated-R, and that’s something I would never ever have to do for The Evil Dead or Evil Dead 2.
But ultimately, Bruce Campbell is the reason to see this movie. Army of Darkness has Campbell playing Ash at the height of his cool and Raimi gives him some great dialogue to work with. This movie really wouldn’t work without Campbell in the lead, and if you’re still wondering who he is (the wrestling announcer in Spider-Man, the theater usher in Spider-Man 2, and the French waiter in Spider-Man 3 – yeah, that guy), then this is the movie to see him in, because he’s at the top of his game. Campbell takes everything that was great about Ash in Evil Dead 2, toughens him up, skyrockets his libido, and makes ten times handier with a chainsaw/gun combo than ever before.
Bruce Cambell’s the king. What can I say?
I always thought it was a strange move to pit Ash in the middle ages after getting used to him spending two great movies in a haunted cabin, but after a while I guess you just kind of forget about it. Even though it’s fun and it’s an upgrade on the Evil Dead movies from a technical standpoint, Army of Darkness just doesn’t have the same kind of cult attraction that made the first two movies so memorable.
Aside from Ash being in it, Army of Darkness almost feels like a separate entity from the rest of the series. But while it definitely sets a different tone from the rest of the franchise, it’s still Evil Dead and it’s still worth a watch.
Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)
VERDICT:
10/10 Prosthetic Chainsaws
My favorite horror movie of all time. I might get some shit from my friends for that statement, but whatever. I love this movie.
Picking up as a kind of sequel/remake to Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 kicks off with Ash, the hero of our story, getting his ass kicked by demons for two hours while trying to save the lives of a new group of travelers who have turned up to spend the weekend at the same cabin. Personally, I don’t see the attraction to the spending the weekend at haunted cabins, but looks like I’m in the minority here, so I’ll just shut up.
Here’s the thing with the Evil Dead trilogy, they’re all “horror” movies to a certain degree, but they’re all totally, totally different in tone. The Evil Dead is a straight-up horror movie, Army of Darkness is a comedy, and Evil Dead 2 is a perfect mixture of both. They’re all great on their own terms, but if you’re reading this review and thinking, “Wow! This is exactly the pants-shitting horror experience I’ve been looking for my whole life!”, then you’ll probably be disappointed.
Not a whole lot of “jump-out-of-your-seat” moments in this one and it’s actually not all that scary either. It’s still extremely low-budget and won’t be amazing anyone with its special effects, but just like with The Evil Dead, if you take this movie with a grain of salt it’s arguably the most fun you’ll have with a horror movie. And don’t get me wrong, it is a horror movie. It’s gross as hell and there’s more fake blood in it than you can shake a stick at.
This is also Sam Raimi at the top of his game from a film making standpoint. This is how you make a great movie with no money and no resources. So for all you fellow movie nerds out there who dig that kind of stuff like I do, then you’ll definitely find something extra to appreciate with this bad boy.
Evil Dead 2 retains the horror elements that made The Evil Dead so great and throws in a good healthy dose of Three Stooges humor and classic one-liners for good measure. And while Bruce Campbell was the man back in The Evil Dead, this is really where he really brings it all home. In true horror-movie-sequel fashion, Ash finally gets fed up with running away from these evil bastards and pulls a Sarah Connor/Ripley in a big way as he goes to freakin’ town on everyone and everything in his path. He’s a big reason people like this movie so much and he’s also the reason this movie is rated in Prosthetic Chainsaws.
I repeat: Prosthetic. Chainsaws.
I’ll say it now and I’ll say it in all these Evil Dead reviews. These movies aren’t for everyone. I’m not promising that you’re going to watch this and be totally converted to the horror genre like I was. If you’re already squeemish and cringe when “bloody” and “stump” are used in the same sentence, might want to steer clear of this one. But if you’re tired of all the garbage horror movies that get put out nowadays that don’t have a lick of originality to them, then for the love of God, watch this movie. It’s fun, it’s hilarious, and it’ll satisfy that bloody urge you get when you’re sitting on that tree stump in the yard.
God, that was lame.
The Evil Dead (1981)
VERDICT:
8/10 Buckets of Blood
This movie spooked the shit out of me. Saw it in high school by myself in the middle of the night and couldn’t stop thinking about it for days after. I know, my social life in high school was crazy.
The Evil Dead is about five friends who go for a weekend getaway at a cabin in the woods…and end up fighting an undead army when they accidentally stumble upon the Necronomicon – The Book of the Dead. It’s not exactly breaking the mold in regards to story, but you’ll forget about that pretty damn quick.
Even though the title of the movie should have been a heads up, I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I first saw this movie. It’s scary, it’s disgusting, it pushes the envelope, and it’s actually pretty funny, too.
I’m all about movies that just go for it despite not having a Hollywood budget or A-list actors and that’s what The Evil Dead does best. It’s about as low-budget a movie as you’re likely to find, but that’s why it rocks. It’s also responsible for launching the “career” of Bruce Campbell as the movie’s hero, Ash, one of the great horror movie characters of all time. Campbell is hailed as the “B-Movie King”, so don’t be surprised if you’ve never heard of him, but even so, he is awesome and he is a badass.
With the exception of movies like The Ring and The Shining, a lot of the best horror movies ever made are the cult classics that don’t rely on big budgets and pimped out special effects to scare you silly (Shaun of the Dead, The Descent, and Let The Right One In are more recent ones that come to mind). The Evil Dead is a movie that falls into this category, it might have even started this category, and it’s a perfect example of cheap filmmaking done right.
The Evil Dead has its “jump-out-of-your-seat” moments, but those are easy, anyone can do that. So instead of focusing on cheap scares, Raimi spends most of the movie throwing absolutely everything at his helpless characters as the limbs fly and the whole damn set turns into one big old pile of goo. Sweet.
I’ve recommended this movie to a couple of people in the past and they didn’t get it whatsoever. Granted, this movie isn’t for everyone, and by now you probably know whether it’s your thing or not, but I’ll keep on recommending it all the same. It’s the kind of movie that you need to take with a grain of salt, but it’s worth the payoff if you give it a chance.
I never thought very highly of the horror genre before this movie came into my life, but The Evil Dead is one of two things that made me see the light, the other being Evil Dead 2. It’s totally different from the horror movies you’re used to and it is one bat-shit crazy ride. If you like horror movies and have the stomach for this kind of thing, you need to see this. Screw Hostel and screw the twenty-odd Saw sequels. It’s called THE EVIL DEAD for Christsakes. Why wouldn’t you want to see this?
High Fidelity (2000)
VERDICT:
8/10 Mixtapes
I first saw this movie way back when I was in high school. Liked it, but wasn’t crazy about it. Probably was too young to really get it. It wasn’t until I saw it again this past weekend that I really started to appreciate how good this movie is. It probably helps that my taste in music doesn’t culminate with Green Day’s Greatest Hits any more, but whatever, it’s a really good romantic comedy even if you are that guy who has “I Just Called To Say I Love You” on his iPod.
High Fidelity is about a guy that owns a record store, his mid-life crisis that’s caused by his most recent girlfriend leaving him, and his ability to re-examine everything that’s gone wrong in his life by breaking it all down into “Top Five” lists. It’s based off a book by Nick Hornby, who also wrote the source material for another great romantic comedy, About A Boy. So it’s got that going for it too.
The thing is, a lot of romantic comedies suck. They’re either cliche’-ridden, sappy as shit, not funny, or have nothing new to say about love, relationships, etc. Luckily, High Fidelity doesn’t have these faults. It’s a more mature take on the whole “the one that got away” storyline, one that’s atypically genuine and supported by real, and very flawed, characters.
I’m not a big John Cusack fan, but he seems pretty adept to playing the heartbroken, endearing protagonist after doing it in a million other romantic comedies in the ’80s. IMDB his filmography, it’s crazy. But he also has a great script to work with, so that really makes all the difference.
And maybe I’m just imagining this, but I feel like I meet a lot of people who don’t like Jack Black. This always surprises me because I think he’s one funny mofo, and it’s his roles in movies like High Fidelity that make me weep for the J.B. naysayers. This movie was really his breakout role and it’s easy to see why he became a household name from this point on. But even if you don’t find him as funny as I do, it’s worth sitting through High Fidelity to at least watch him belt out “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye.
Another shout out to Tim Robbins who plays Cusack’s ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend, a Zen-like version of Steven Seagal. Totally hilarious and he has the best scene of the entire movie.
High Fidelity is a great date movie, but it’s also just a really good movie in general. Really heartfelt, really relatable, freaking hilarious, and it doesn’t hurt that it has an awesome soundtrack. Might be up there in the top-five romantic comedies list.
Alright, probably top-ten.
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