Hey everybody,
So, I’m heading out on vacation for the next two weeks starting today. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get my act together enough to write 14 reviews in advance, so we’re all going to have to take a break from Cut The Crap for a bit. The reviews and all the other miscellaneous updates will be back and running on August 23rd, so mark your calendars, maybe go look over some of those old posts. Hope you all are enjoying your Summers and keep on keepin’ it real.
Thanks for reading,
Aiden R.
Zeroes (2007)
VERDICT:
10/10 Good Times
Consider this my shameless plug of the year.
Made this movie with my friends for a film class I took back in college. It’s not perfect, but come on, like you wouldn’t give your own movie a 10 out of 10.
Zeroes is about six college roommates that all have various unique superpowers. After one of the roommates becomes seemingly over-reliant on his powers, his roommates make a bet to see which of the group can go the longest without using their powers, and the rest is history.
It’s kind of like the legendary Seinfeld episode, “The Contest”, only not as legendary and with more beer, more cursing, and replacing nerd fantasies with sexual frustration.
You can check it out over there on the right toolbar above the “5 most recent comments” thing, but if that doesn’t work due to my limited knowledge of managing a blog, then you can watch it here.
It’s probably NSFW because college kids swear a lot, but who cares, I’m sure your boss will love it. He’ll probably even give you a raise.
Anyway, I feel kinda weird about reviewing my own movie, so I’ll just leave it at that. Enjoy!
And the general reaction towards a 72-year-old Morgan Freeman marrying his 27-year-old stepdaughter is…
THAT AIN’T RIGHT!
Proving once again that just because Woody Allen did it doesn’t mean that you should, too.
Very Young Girls (2007)
VERDICT:
8/10 Rough Childhoods
Man, there is nothing cool about being a pimp. I don’t care what that 50 Cent song says. Pimps fucking suck.
Very Young Girls is a documentary that gives an inside look into the world of underage prostitution in modern-day New York City through the testimonials of numerous girls whose lives have all been peddled by predatory, scumbag bastards that make an underground living out of selling their bodies.
The openings lines of Very Young Girls: “In the United States, the average age of entry into the commercial sex industry is 13-years-old.” You probably already gathered that this movie is pretty rough from the ambiguously upsetting title, but just in case you missed it, this movie is no joke.
A friend of mine recommended this movie to me recently after she saw it on a whim. I’d never heard of it before, but being that I live in Manhattan you’d think I would have considering that’s where it all takes place. But that also kind of factors into the movie’s draw. I’m not big on watching documentaries about 13-year-old prostitutes, but since I had no idea prostitution was still even a thing in NYC, I couldn’t help but be intrigued.
The thing is, you don’t hear about prostitution, let alone underage prostitution, in New York anymore. It’s not like living on the set of Taxi Driver where sex is pandered out in broad daylight and everyone knows about it, only no one’s talking about it. Call me naive, but this whole movie was a pretty big surprise.
It’s heartbreaking to hear the stories of these girls who got taken advantage of in every way by seedy pimps when they’re too young to even know better. It’s even harder to watch them continue to go back to a lifestyle that’s clearly destroying them because they have nowhere else to go and are convinced that these men they’re answering to are actually in love with them. Needless to say, this documentary is doing any favors for men, but the again, these men should be locked the fuck up for the rest of their lives.
So Very Young Girls is quite the downer at times, but a great deal of the movie also focuses on a program in New Jersey called G.E.M.S. – a boarding home of sorts for young girls trying to escape from their lives of prostitution that was founded by a woman who started out in the same spot. It makes you shake your head in disgust to see evil people targeting the innocent, but it’s even more powerful to be reminded that there will always be good people out there to help those who need it most.
You might have to be in the right kind of mindset for this movie, but the payoff is worth it. It might not be the most entertaining hour and a half, but if you’re like me and love coming across simple documentaries that let the subjects tell the story, than I’m gonna go ahead and recommend this seriously emotional, infuriating, and important movie.
Gives you a whole new respect for To Catch A Predator.
VERDICT:
3/10 Douchebag Buccaneers
I still have no idea what all the fuss was about with this movie.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl is about a chick who gets kidnapped by ghost pirates and a pretty boy who teams up with another ghost pirate to get her back. It’s also based off a really boring-ass Disney ride and the similarities between the two are nothing short of astounding.
So the thing with pirates is that they’re generally regarded as cool, one might go so far as to call them badass. They have peg-legs, they hunt whales and pillage other ships for a living, they embrace their horrible dental hygiene (make that hygiene in general), and they stab things a lot. That’s just how they like it and people love them world over for their swashbuckling ways.
I don’t know where the translation got muddled, but according to director Gore (?) Verbinski, pirates are now fun, witty fellas and the best of them, a certain Captain Jack Sparrow, are supposed to remind us of a slurring, stumbling Keith Richards on a week-long grog binge…and he can’t play the guitar.
Really?
Really, really.
It’s too bad this movie isn’t doing any favors to the world of pirates, because I never really thought their reputation was in jeopardy up until now. Amazing what a bad script can do.
Now Johnny Depp’s a good actor, but come on, Captain Jack isn’t his best role by a long shot. But the fact that he got an Oscar nomination for this out of all the movies he’s done is beside the point. The point is…man, Jack Sparrow was such an annoying bastard.
Maybe I missed something here, but the whole shtick with him wobbling around like an idiot the entire time was just stupid. And considering that he’s the only real selling point to this movie – because last time I checked, no one was dying for a movie based off that pirate ride at Disneyland they fell asleep on – there’s not much else to redeem it.
Sorry, Johnny. You’re a cool dude, but it’s the truth.
And surprise, surprise, Orlando Bloom sucks. Keira Knightley’s nothing special. Not sure how Geoffrey Rush got dragged into this either. Must have been one fat paycheck.
And a two-and-a-half-hour running time? Nope, I don’t think so.
Eh, you get the idea. Can’t think of any other good pirate movies out there, but this one ain’t it. One of those situations where everyone involved has done better things and you’re better off just looking into those instead. I still haven’t seen the sequels, but something tells me I won’t be getting around to them any time soon.
The Devil’s Rejects (2005)
VERDICT:
7/10 Family Road Trips
Rob Zombie made a movie that I like. Not a sentence I ever envisioned myself writing.
The Devil’s Rejects is about a good ol’ serial killin’ group of siblings doing their thing across the countryside, murdering and torturing folk of the sort with Johnny law hot on their tail. It’s apparently a sequel of sorts to the Disney favorite, House of 1000 Corpses, but that’s pretty much it.
Now, you’ve probably already gathered as much from the movie’s subtle title, but what might be the best way to describe some of the stuff that goes down in The Devil’s Rejects is probably…sadistic. I’m probably not winning anyone over with that description, but allow me to elaborate.
There’s two kinds of sadism when it comes to horror movies. There’s the torture porn/sadism for the sake of sadism vibe you’d find in something like Hostel that just tries to push the envelope by grossing you out. And that’s stupid; anyone can do that.
Then there’s this kind of sadism, the kind that messes with you, leaves a bad taste in your mouth, challenges you to keep watching and makes you question why every inch of your body isn’t aching to see if and how this sick family gets offed in the end. That’s the kind of horror movie I like because that’s the kind of shit that sticks with you and isn’t easy to pull off.
And it’s not often that the protagonists of a movie like this are the said serial killers. Even weirder is that after a while, you kinda like ’em. Yeah, they’re no doubt gonna burn as soon as they kick the bucket, but they’re an entertaining bunch to watch. Not exactly the kind of people I’d want to hang out with, but two hours through a TV screen is just fine.
It’s probably the combination of focusing the movie around these fleshed out, eccentric, homicidal maniacs and managing to paint everyone else that tries to get in their way as the “bad guys” that makes this movie interesting to me. And sometimes it’s just fun to root for the bad guys.
I don’t know if I’m converting anyone over to this movie if they’re not into this kind of stuff, but if you’re into horror movies and can convincingly remind yourself that there actually isn’t a family of psycho hillbillies out there coming to get you, I’d give it a look. It’s not scary, but it’s pretty messed up. It’s also pretty well made and has an atypically sharp script as far as horror movies are concerned.
Also, great soundtrack filled with Allman Brothers and Lynyrd Skynyrd tracks. Not the typical music you film murder scenes to, but in some crazy way it totally works. Way to go, Mr. Zombie.
I don’t know how good or bad House of 100o Corpses was, but I’m betting this one has a good deal more to offer. Man, that house must have smelled like straight shit.
Visioneers (2008)
VERDICT:
4/10 Cordial Middle Fingers
I’m betting that I’m probably one of three people that have actually seen this movie, but hey, it wasn’t terrible.
Visioneers is about a guy named George Washington Winsterhammerman, a descendant of the George Washington that’s stuck in a dead end job and comes home each day to a dead end life. When people around the world suddenly start exploding from stress, George Washington Winsterhammerman takes a good hard look at his life and tries to figure out where he went wrong before he explodes too.
Yes, it is a pretty weird premise and it only delves further into the strange by creating this alternate, almost Orwellian reality where everyone is trapped by the monotony of their lives and they all great each other with a middle finger like it’s a handshake.
Man, this is hard to describe without making it sound like the stupidest fucking thing ever. Just watch the trailer. You’ll get the general idea.
I was actually kind of looking forward to this movie when it showed up on Netflix. I’m all for comedies with a real “out there” sense of humor and since the comedic god Zack Galifianakis plays George Washington Winsterhammerman, I mean, why the hell wouldn’t I want to see this?
And at times it definitely delivers. I could hardly control myself for the first ten minutes I was laughing so hard. Everything that’s really strange and funny about the movie gets covered in the opening scene, and while it’s all hilarious, the novelty wears off pretty quick after that. You can only crack up at people flipping each other off, making up words, and saying “George Washington Winsterhammerman” for so long.
So yeah, it starts out really strong and it’s hard to miss the quirky potential, but everything after the first ten minutes…eh, not so memorable. It’s not often I find myself fighting off sleep an hour into a movie, but such was my experience with Visioneers. There’s several parts in the movie where Galifianakis doesn’t even talk for a good twenty minutes at a time. I don’t know, I guess it just gets too strange for it’s own good at times and after a while it just denigrates into a static drone of jokes that don’t land.
It’s disappointing though. I feel like this movie had a lot of promise to be a lot better than it was. Maybe it’s just one of those things you need to watch more than once to really get all the humor, like The Big Lebowski or something. Galifianakis has been much funnier and this isn’t much of a testament to what he’s capable of.
I wouldn’t so much recommend it, and I was tempted to give it a lower score than I did, but if anything else, it sure is original. Even if it doesn’t work all the time, Visioneers still gets points for thinking outside the norm and being proud to be different.
Different is always good.
Stevie (2002)
VERDICT:
7/10 Tough Loves
A bit long, but a good documentary about an unfortunate life.
Stevie follows director Steve James as he returns to visit Stevie, his former Advocate Little Brother that he lost touch with ten years prior after graduating from college to pursue a career in film. So the two reunite and it turns out that Stevie has spent the last ten years in and out of every foster home in Illinois, not to mention in and out of jail as well. To make matters worse, not long after their reunion, Stevie is charged of sexually molesting his 8-year-old cousin and could potentially face serious jail time.
As you might have already guessed, things aren’t really turning up Stevie.
I don’t know if this movie would be more affecting for parents or…non-parents, but let me tell ya’, it’s a good case against spanking your kids. It’s weird because even though you probably won’t end up liking Stevie per se, a part of you can’t help but feel bad for him. Let me clarify that: you don’t sympathize with Stevie the child molester, you sympathize with Stevie, the man-child that was destined to fail from the get-go.
It’s hard to say whether a person is a product of their surroundings, their community, their parents, the people the associate themselves with, their inherent personality, or a million other things that all play into why everyone’s different from one another. But any way you look at it, Stevie had it bad. Getting raped in foster homes, getting beaten and bloodied by his parents, being abandoned by those same parents, and having every positive influence walk out on him?
Not a recipe for success.
So when Steve James walks back into Stevie’s life to see what’s become of him, it’s hard not to feel at least somewhat sympathetic towards his situation. It’s never really explained why James returns to help Stevie and why he keeps coming back time after time, but one can only assume that he must feel somewhat responsible for not being there for him. He even goes out of his way to clarify that the intention of the movie is not to apologize on Stevie’s behalf, but instead as a way to get him back on his feet and try to make it up to him for being one more person that wasn’t there.
Stevie’s life is a tragic one in almost every sense, but it ends up being the dynamic between he and James, one of the few non-judgmental people in the world that genuinely cares about his well-being, that ends up being the most compelling part of the movie. Stevie runs for about two-and-a-half hours, so it’s kind of a haul, but it’s worth it. It’s a simple movie in execution but extremely complex in its context.
It’s one thing to watch a scripted movie about the importance of friendship, it’s another thing to really see it in action. Movies about real people with real problems; the best kinds of movie there are.
Wanted (2008)
VERDICT:
7/10 Magic Bullets
A fun ride and one of the more memorable action movies of ’08.
Wanted is about a wimpy bastard named Wesley whose job sucks but he doesn’t do anything about it, his girlfriend is screwing around behind his back and he knows it, and there’s no hope for improvement in sight. Then Angelina Jolie walks into his life, shoots a lot of stuff, and informs him that he was born to be a crazy-gifted assassin, not a bitch in a cubicle. Before you know it, Wesley’s the man and he’s shooting away all his problems.
It’s based off a series of graphic novels of the same name that are completely different from the story in the movie. The novels are about how all the super villains from comic book history band together and finally take out everyone’s favorite superheroes, the movie is about an elite group of assassins who kill people because a rug tells them to.
The killing and violence are all there and Wesley’s storyline is the same, but that’s about it.
Even though the director, Timur Bekmambetov (bummer about your name, man), takes a whole lot of liberties with the story, I’m actually more of a fan of the movie than the source material it’s based off. Doesn’t happen often, but this is the kind of story that works better on film than it does on paper. Probably didn’t help that Wesley’s character was modeled after Eminem in the books either. Lame.
So the thing that sets Wanted apart from the slew of generic action movies that get churned out each year is that you can tell that it’s continually trying to be fresh and original instead of just sticking to a gimmick. And for the most part, it is. It’s got the bullet-curving thing, which is cool, and it more or less completely disregards the laws of physics and actions that humans are capable of performing, but when push comes to shove, it’s just a fun movie.
It might not sound pretty stupid in text, but after watching it for a while, you can actually kind of believe it. One of those movies you need to take with a grain of salt to really enjoy.
It’s got wild action scenes and has a pretty enjoyable script to back it up, too. The whole thing is completely over-the-top, but everyone involved is fully aware of it. The experience tries to match the cool factor of coming to the realization that you’re destined to become an elite hitman. And for the most part it succeeds.
Angelina Jolie is Angelina Jolie, not breaking the mold here or anything, and Morgan Freeman is pretty sweet as the surprisingly foul-mouthed head of “The Fraternity”. But the best part of the cast is actually James McAvoy.
I never really took James McAvoy to be much of a badass, but I guess that’s kind of the point. He’s pale, lanky, bite-size and relatively unknown in Hollywood (at least as a leading man), so it’s pretty easy to imagine him as this average Joe with a dead-end job right out of Office Space and it makes him that much cooler when he stops taking everyone’s shit and starts taking names.
So keep it up, James McAvoy. You’re doing alright for yourself.
Anyway, if you like action movies, if you’re looking for something different that doesn’t feature VanDamme, Norris, or Seagal, then you won’t go wrong with Wanted. Curving bullets = sweet. That’s about it.
Point Break (1991)
VERDICT:
7/10 Gnarly Waves
A guilty pleasure if there ever was one.
Point Break is about an L.A. cop named Johnny Utah who goes undercover to infiltrate a group of bank-robbing adrenaline junkies led by a blonde vision named Bodie. Eventually it gets to the point (break) where Johnny Utah knows that the robbers know that he’s a cop, and vice-versa, but neither party lets on that they know. Yes, it’s a little complicated, but such is the life of Johnny Utah.
You really can’t take this movie seriously because, for the most part, it doesn’t really take itself seriously either. Did I mention that the story revolves around Keanu Reeves playing a surfercop named Johnny Utah.? Kinda speaks for itself, really.
I’ve gotten in a number of debates about whether Keanu is a bad actor or just a really bad actor, but it wasn’t until recently that my opinion has started to drift towards “Eh. Maybe he’s not so bad.” After having a Keanu talk with a fellow movie buff, he told me he liked Keanu because, yeah, he’s a bad actor, but he knows he’s a bad actor. He’s never gone out and defended his acting abilities and doesn’t parade around in the public eye pretending like he’s hot shit. And that’s pretty cool.
So with that said, Keanu’s alright in this. If you’re looking for a guy to play a stereotypical surfer with a dash of legitimacy thrown in there, getting someone named Keanu to play the part is probably a good call. He’s no Patrick Swayze, but let’s be honest, no one’s Patrick Swayze. He’s the essence of cool and his character’s name is Bodie.
Most tubular.
This is a movie where you find yourself laughing a lot in all the wrong places. The dialogue is really fuckin’ bad and the actors really aren’t doing themselves any favors by saying the lines out loud. But the story itself is entertaining if nothing else. It’s pretty intense, there are some great action scenes that are pretty amazing to watch (i.e.: two different skydiving sequences; impressive to say the least), and of course…Gary Busey’s in it.
I’ll save the Busey tirade for another occasion.
So if you’re a guy and you like action, and you’re just in the mood for a good cops and robbers movie where fools get shot and do insano shit to get a rush over the course of two hours, can’t go wrong with Point Break. Not exactly a good movie, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a fan.
Keanu.
SIDENOTE: Check this out. The guys from Human Giant and Reno 911! re-creating a scene from the PB. Awesome.
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 
