Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

VERDICT:
3/10 Douchebag Buccaneers

I still have no idea what all the fuss was about with this movie.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl is about a chick who gets kidnapped by ghost pirates and a pretty boy who teams up with another ghost pirate to get her back. It’s also based off a really boring-ass Disney ride and the similarities between the two are nothing short of astounding.

So the thing with pirates is that they’re generally regarded as cool, one might go so far as to call them badass. They have peg-legs, they hunt whales and pillage other ships for a living, they embrace their horrible dental hygiene (make that hygiene in general), and they stab things a lot. That’s just how they like it and people love them world over for their swashbuckling ways.

I don’t know where the translation got muddled, but according to director Gore (?) Verbinski, pirates are now fun, witty fellas and the best of them, a certain Captain Jack Sparrow, are supposed to remind us of a slurring, stumbling Keith Richards on a week-long grog binge…and he can’t play the guitar.

Really?

Really, really.

It’s too bad this movie isn’t doing any favors to the world of pirates, because I never really thought their reputation was in jeopardy up until now. Amazing what a bad script can do.

Now Johnny Depp’s a good actor, but come on, Captain Jack isn’t his best role by a long shot. But the fact that he got an Oscar nomination for this out of all the movies he’s done is beside the point. The point is…man, Jack Sparrow was such an annoying bastard.

Maybe I missed something here, but the whole shtick with him wobbling around like an idiot the entire time was just stupid. And considering that he’s the only real selling point to this movie – because last time I checked, no one was dying for a movie based off that pirate ride at Disneyland they fell asleep on – there’s not much else to redeem it.

Sorry, Johnny. You’re a cool dude, but it’s the truth.

And surprise, surprise, Orlando Bloom sucks. Keira Knightley’s nothing special. Not sure how Geoffrey Rush got dragged into this either. Must have been one fat paycheck.

And a two-and-a-half-hour running time? Nope, I don’t think so.

Eh, you get the idea. Can’t think of any other good pirate movies out there, but this one ain’t it. One of those situations where everyone involved has done better things and you’re better off just looking into those instead. I still haven’t seen the sequels, but something tells me I won’t be getting around to them any time soon.