And the best James Cameron movie of all time is…
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY!
Well played, readers. A solid choice amongst many solid choices by one solid director.
Now do us all a favor and don’t fuck up Avatar, Jimbo. You’ve hyped this bastard up far too much to screw the pooch now.
RESULTS:
The Terminator: 1 vote
Terminator 2: Judgment Day: 3 votes
Aliens: 0 votes (where’s the love?)
The Abyss: 1 vote (was not expecting a vote for this one)
True Lies: 0 votes (underrated action movie)
Titanic: 2 votes (confirming that women do actually visit this site, which is awesome)
Titanic 2: Jack’s Revenge: 2 votes (someday…)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
VERDICT:
10/10 Tasty Burgers
It’s not for everyone, but it’s in my Top 3. That might border on sounding cliche’ by now, but come on, there aren’t a whole lot of movies out there quite like Pulp Fiction, now are there?
Pulp Fiction is about…man, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. It’s about two hitmen coming to terms with their own mortality in the face of a “miracle”. It’s about a “date” gone horribly wrong. It’s about a boxer running for his life after screwing over his bookie. It’s about all these things at once and a crap load of other things that you could spend hours upon hours reading into and re-watching to the point of insanity. And the great thing about it is that you want to.
There are only a handful of movies that I’ve sat down and re-watched an ungodly amount of times for this very reason; Memento, The Matrix, Akira, and Pi are the only ones coming to mind right now, but like Pulp Fiction, those are some rare fucking gems of film making.
The acting is great; easily the best thing Samuel L. Jackson has done for the world, and maybe for Bruce Willis, too. The writing and storytelling are nothing short of brilliant, completely entertaining exercises in cool. The directing is top-notch and reeks of style that’s uniquely Tarantinian (copyrighting that shit). The soundtrack kicks ass up and down. Man, struggling to pick out some flaws here. I guess it’s a little long. Eh, not really.
Look, this movie redefined how movies were made in every. freaking. way. The non-chronological plot structure, the colloquial, incredibly badass banter, the seamless progression from normal situation to nightmare crisis, the eccentric characters that are all wildly different from one another, the list continues. Anyone who’s seen a Tarantino movie knows what I’m talking about. Anyone who hasn’t really ought to at least try to get on the bandwagon.
Countless people have tried to emulate this movie, but none of them even come close; such is usually the case with most things groundbreaking. It’s really hard to measure how much this movie altered the way movies are made and viewed, but man, things really haven’t been the same way since.
It’s funny, I actually thought I’d have a lot more to say about this movie than I do, but how much can you really reiterate that a movie is near-perfect before it gets old. I guess the best way to sum up this movie is to just give it the highest recommendation I can. It’s really violent, there’s tons of swearing, there’s guaranteed to be a scene that’ll make you cringe, you might just hate it, but holy hell, you will never see anything else like Pulp Fiction in your life.
So buckle up and hit PLAY, folks. If you’ve never seen it, you’re in for one fucking fun, whacked-out ride; but even if you’ve already seen it a gazillion times like I have, there’s always a good reason to go back and revisit good old Pulp Fiction.
Oh, thought of one more flaw: it started that idiotic trend of people starting out their movies with dictionary definitions. Give that shit up already.
The Last Detail (1973)
VERDICT:
6/10 Seamen (had to do it)
Not that bad, but kinda disappointing all the same.
The Last Detail is about two navy men that are given orders to escort an eighteen-year-old navy man over to prison to serve out an eight-year sentence for unsuccessfully trying to steal forty bucks from a donation box. So during their five day trip, the two sailors book it off to Washington D.C. and New York City to show the kid the time of his life before he gets locked up for good.
Good, simple premise right there. Lots of male bonding, masculine grunting, wild debauchery and swearing abound to be had amongst three guys that pretty much spend all their time on a boat filled with dudes. And there’s two things in particular that make it worth watching:
1) The combo of Robert Towne’s script and Hal Ashby’s direction that makes you feel like your hanging out these guys as part of the gang instead of watching a group of actors recite their lines. And…
2) Jack Nicholson.
It’s been a while since I’ve seen a movie where Nicholson didn’t look like this, but what a refreshing reminder it is to see him during his heyday. But who am I kidding, this is Jack Fucking Nicholson we’re talking about here. He’s always been the man and he always will be. His volatile role in The Last Detail is just one more badass performance he’s given in a career that’s continually proven that there’s only one Jack. Someone get that man another hot dog, he’s fuckin’ earned it.
A shockingly young Randy Quaid is also in this as the kid who’s getting locked up. He actually got nominated for an Oscar for this movie. It’s almost sad that he’s now remembered as Clark Griswold’s dumbass, redneck brother-in-law from the Vacation movies and as the ex-fighter pilot who got anally probed by aliens back in the sixties and thus saves Earth from total destruction as a form of kamikaze payback in Independence Day, but then again, those are two pretty sweet roles. Actually, I take it back. That’s not sad at all. Way to go, Randy. You’re the man, too.
So the problem with this movie is that not only was not as funny as I had hoped it would be, but the ending kind of sucks and there really isn’t much character development to be had either. You’d think with a movie like this that the whole damn thing would be chock full of watching these three guys change from their old ways and there’d be some kind of redemption at the end, but it really doesn’t come off that way. It actually reminded me of something like On The Road by Jack Kerouac, where the audience is just kind of watching these characters drift through life and then that’s the end. It’s actually kind of depressing after a while. I don’t know, I guess the whole machismo thing didn’t do it for me either.
But even though I wasn’t sold on it the first time around, The Last Detail is a movie I can see myself revisiting because it feels like something you need to see with other people who find it freakin’ hilarious to really get it, like The Big Lebowski. And like I mentioned earlier, it’s directed by Hal Ashby, and I’m big on Hal Ashby, so that’s another reason to give it second look. If anything, it’s compelled me to bump up a crap load of old Jack Nicholson movies to the top of my Netflix queue. So at least I’ve got that going for me.
Two Lovers (2009)
VERDICT:
8/10 Straight Playas
Caught this on a plane last week, had no expectations going into it, and was totally impressed by everything about it. So thanks, Aer Lingus, you guys are alright.
Two Lovers is about a bipolar thirty-something guy living in his parents’ apartment, struggling to figure out what to do with his life when these two women walk into his life and things get complicated. One woman, the daughter of his father’s business partner – a good girl, someone to settle down with, a sure thing. The other woman, a neighbor in his apartment building whose boyfriend is married with children and continually jerks her around – a risky bet, but he’s crazy about her all the same.
And that’s what it’s about. Pretty simple premise, but then again, juggling lovers and emotions amongst three people at the same time isn’t a very black-and-white affair (pun intended, I guess).
I think one of the big reasons I liked this movie is because it’s essentially about one of my favorite movie topics: real people with real problems. True love and broken hearts are two things that will never go out of style, and it’s great to come across a movie like this that makes it feel so genuinely, painfully real.
The script is unpredictable, the characters all have their own credible hangups, and the actors really make it all come together beautifully. Not counting her bit role in Iron Man, it’s nice to see Gwyneth Paltrow back in the game here as the woman with the two-timing boyfriend, especially since she’s doing a great job of slowly convincing the world she’s fucking nuts in real life. And this woman, Vinessa Shaw, who I can only really remember as one of the women who gets brutally messed up in The Hills Have Eyes remake, is good too as the other woman caught up in the love triangle. So props to you, ladies.
But the real wonderful surprise in all of this is Joaquin Phoenix. Maybe I just need to go watch more stuff he’s been in aside from Walk The Line and Gladiator, but damn, he is one hell of an actor. This is the best I’ve ever seen him, and even though I’m not bipolar and have no idea what that must be like, he does a freakin’ great job of capturing and expressing the subtle change from anguish and elation that his character is constantly going through.
And that whole thing about him being done with acting so that he can pursue a rap career as MC Hobo Stylee? Total bullshit. He’ll be back.
I guess that Two Lovers is great because, more than anything, it’s a breath of fresh air. It’s not sappy, everything about it feels very honest and heartfelt, it had me completely invested and sympathizing with the characters, and even though it’s probably not the most happy-go-lucky date movie of the year, I just totally enjoyed myself with this movie. Maybe not enjoyed, but I was pleasantly surprised all the same.
So go check it out. Joaquin has a kickass breakdancing scene in it, too. And I know how much you all love watching famous people breakdance.
Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001)
VERDICT:
0/10 Blarts
Saw this as part of a double feature with my younger cousins at a drive-in movie theater. The other movie was the Planet of the Apes remake. That was one long ass night.
From what I remember, Dr. Dolittle 2 is about a veterinarian who can talk to animals that takes his family out for a vacation at some cabin in the woods. He starts talking to animals and shit, tries to bond with his family and shit, and grows a mustache and shit.
Pretty sure that’s exactly what happens.
No why would this of all movies get a 0/10? Let’s go ahead and imagine how the production meeting went for this comedic masterpiece.
Bill: “Hey, Fred. Way to fuckin’ go on Dr. Dolittle! You blew that bastard out of the water!”
Fred: “Thanks, Bill. I appreciate that.”
Bill: “Now, the real question is, how in the Sam hell are you going to one-up yourself for the inevitable sequel?”
Fred: “Well, I figure that there’s still a lot to say on the subject of talking animals that has yet to be fully explored.”
Bill: “Damn right there is! Took the words right out of my mouth you genius sonofabitch. But where do we go from here, comedically speaking?”
Fred: “Here’s what I’ve been thinking; what makes kids laugh more than anything else on Earth?”
Bill: “Talking animals, Fred! You’re going in circles, now. Quit fuckin’ with me, dammit!”
Fred: “Now wait a second there, Bill. What’s the second thing that makes kids laugh more than anything else on Earth?”
Bill: “Why…why, that would be diarrhea.”
Fred: *Grins, leans back in his chair, and crosses his arms. He’s the shit and he is totally fuckin’ aware of it.
Bill: “Fred, I just messed myself in amazement.”
Now, I think Bill and Fred pretty much speak for themselves. As far as I can recall, Dr. Dolittle 2 is more or less an excuse to watch Eddie Murphy’s increasingly horrendous career crash and burn even harder and to get your lifetime fill of animal shit jokes. Why anyone would actually go out and discover/rediscover this movie at this point and time is beyond me, but since it was one of the more awful movie experiences I’ve ever had to sit through, figured I’d take a trip down bad memory lane.
You know, thinking back, Planet of the Apes was fucking awesome after having to sit through this. That should speak volumes in and of itself.
Pirate Radio / The Boat That Rocked (2009)
VERDICT:
6/10 Sweet Gigs
Watched this on a plane last week at the suggestion of a Cut The Crap reader. Not sure that it’s even out in America yet, but if you can find it, or if you live in England, I’d say it’s an enjoyable way to pass two hours.
Pirate Radio is kind of all over the place. It’s set in 1960s England during a time where the mofos in power hated rock and pop music so much that they only allowed it to be played on major radio stations for 45 minutes a day. So this is the story of one group of guys on a pirate radio ship that decided to stick it to the man and play rock and pop all the fuckin’ time. It’s also about an eighteen-year-old kid whose mom sends him over to the boat to grow up. And it’s also just about the deejays on the boat…hanging out with each other and stuff.
It kind of sounds like there’s a lot going on at once, but after a while you realize that’s it’s actually not really about anything at all. It doesn’t take long for the story to completely fall to the wayside in lieu of watching the deejays get into new shenanigans and whatnot for extended periods of time. At some points it works, but for the most part it just feels like an entertaining mess. Kind of the same vibe I got from director Richard Curtis’ last movie, Love Actually. Please don’t kill me for that comment, ladies.
I don’t know, I think a better synopsis for this movie probably would have been, “Let’s watch a shit load of famous British actors and one American make jokes and listen to sweet music on a boat for two hours.” Yeah, that’s definitely better.
So that’s kind of a good thing and a bad thing. Everyone’s fun to watch, but you don’t really care about them because there’s so many damn characters to cover, the script isn’t really striving to develop any of them all that much either, and the story’s interesting at best. But as a movie you can just sit back, enjoy, and veg out on without having to get emotionally invested whatsoever, it works.
And all the actors are pretty damn funny, so that’s a perk. Takes a bit to understand the British accents, but whatever, you get used to it. Shout-out in particular to Rhys Darby (Murray Hewitt from Flight of the Conchords, the funniest character on an already hilarious show) as the awkward deejay who no one else really likes. That guy needs his own movie/sitcom.
I doubt I’d go back and watch this again unless I was forced to in a Clockwork Orange-type fashion, but it was good for what it was. Enjoyable, but alas, forgettable. But who knows, maybe I’m wrong, this movie seemed to be the biggest damn thing to hit England since Hugh Grant. That dude is a God over there.
SIDENOTE: 100th REVIEW! FUCK YEAH!
Knowing (2009)
VERDICT:
7/10 Harsh Futures
I was probably more excited to see this than I should have been, and I probably liked it more than I should have, but I’m fine with that. I was entertained. Glad to me in the minority.
Knowing is about an astrophysics professor at MIT who starts going bonkers when one day his son discovers a cryptic piece of paper written in 1959 that accurately predicts the date, location, and body count of every natural disaster, terrorist attack, swine flu outbreak, etc. that occurred up until present day 2009.
Now, here’s the problem with a storyline like this. For the most part, I dug it. It kept me interested, I wanted to know what would happen next and was pretty satisfied with the direction it was going in for the first hour and a half. Then there’s the last half-hour, the dreaded last half-hour where the script explains to you the source of everything that’s been going on, and guess what, it’s a horse shit explanation. Such is often the problem when you’re dealing with things that can’t happen in real life.
It kinda feels like something M. Night Shyamalan would have come up with. Not necessarily a compliment, but it’s got that vibe.
But it’s directed by Alex Proyas, the guy behind Dark City and The Crow (two freakin’ awesome movies) and also I, Robot (a surprisingly pretty decent movie, too), but it doesn’t really feel like an Alex Proyas movie. It’s pretty eerie in an “impending doom at all times” kind of way and there’s a handful of weird pale guys in black trench coats behind everything, which are both Proyas trademarks, but I don’t know, it just feels too Hollywood for me. Dude needs to go ahead and make Dark City 2 already.
And of course, Nicolas Cage is in it as the paranoid dad. Now if you’ve been following this site for a bit, you might have picked up on how much I can’t fucking stand Nic Cage. From his outrageous overracting, his refusal to get a proper haircut, his “I’m hot shit, I can be an action star if I want to even though no one else thinks I am, I’m related to Francis Ford Coppola and I won an Oscar” attitude, and his stupid fucking name that I swear was taken from an unlockable Mortal Kombat character. But Nic toned it down in this one. There’s the arbitrary screaming fits at inappropriate times here and there, but that’s to be expected. Wasn’t bad enough to the point where I couldn’t look past it.
So keep it up, Nic-o. You’re on the right track.
I can see how other people might not exactly think this is a “good” movie, but every once in a while one of these “bad” movies throws me for a loop and I actually end up liking it. Knowing‘s one of these tricky bastards, and even though you’ll definitely need to take the last half-hour with a grain of salt, make that a mound of salt, it’s a cool trip I enjoyed taking.
And that’s about it. Got my Nic Cage rant out of my system, spread the word about Dark City; mission accomplished.
Harold and Maude (1971)
VERDICT:
9/10 Serious Oedipus Complexes
I’ve heard a lot of people chalk this movie up as one of the all-time great romantic comedies for what seems like ages now, and after finally getting around to watching it, I’m proud to be on the bandwagon.
Harold and Maude is about a reclusive teenager who’s obsessed with death, stages fake suicides in front of his mother and the various women she tries to set him up with, and goes to strangers’ funerals for fun. Then one day while attending one of the said funerals, he meets this elderly woman who pretty much serves as his polar opposite in life. The two become quick friends, the boy gradually breaks out of his morbid shell, and over the course of a week they fall head over heels for each other.
Yeah, the whole age difference this is pretty strange, but the great thing about this movie is that, after a while, you really don’t care. This isn’t a story about how opposites attract, it’s about how love is blind and why life is worth living. Doesn’t matter how old or young you are, we can all relate.
Deep stuff indeed.
It’s directed by Hal Ashby, and even though I only recently discovered Ashby after seeing another great movie of his called Being There, the guy is quickly making his way up the list as one of my personal favorite directors. It always helps to have a great script to work off of, but what can I say other than that he put together an absolutely great and incredibly genuine movie from a story that could have very well turned out as beyond strange and as grim as my synopsis probably sounds. Certainly takes a special kind of talent to make an audience laugh at suicides.
Now, I don’t recall ever seeing Bud Cort or Ruth Gordon play anyone other than Harold and Maude, but even so, they’re both absolutely wonderful. I don’t know, I guess it’s just wonderful when the actors really make you care about the people they’re playing. It doesn’t take long to realize that Harold and Maude are for the most part pretty bizarre individuals, but they’re endearing, and you can’t help but root for them and watch them grow together. In the end, the movie really all about character development, and when it’s done right, those really are some of the best movies around.
And in case the incredible, directing, acting, and writing weren’t enough, the movie’s soundtrack is set entirely to Cat Stevens. I’d consider that a grand slam if there ever was one.
Look, I absolutely loved this movie. This review really isn’t doing it justice because it evokes a lot of emotions that are difficult to put into words. It’s a movie that just sticks with you in a way that so many romantic comedies don’t, and anyone who loves movies, or just loves life, owes it to themselves to see this fantastic piece of storytelling. It’s pretty amazing how well Harold and Maude holds up nearly forty years after it was released, but isn’t that the case with most things universal?
Orphan (2009)
VERDICT:
3/10 Problem Children
It was either go see this or go see G.I. Joe. We all make mistakes.
Orphan is about a husband and wife that up and decide to adopt the weirdest, creepiest kid they could ever happen to come across after the wife experiences a miscarriage years prior. So the kid moves in and ends up being a homicidal psycho bitch.
WHOA! Didn’t see that one coming.
As you can probably guess, Orphan doesn’t really bring anything all that new to the “evil children = scary” genre of horror movies because it all pretty much started and ended with The Omen. There isn’t really all that much left to say on the topic outside of, you know, don’t adopt demon children. Simple as that, you freakin’ idiot parents.
And that’s what’s exactly wrong with this movie. It doesn’t take long for Esther’s new mommy or siblings to figure out that some shit is up, but absolutely everyone else simply cannot wrap their damn minds around the possibility that this already bizarro kid may actually be batshit crazy. As someone who loves horror movies, this kind of crap makes my freakin’ blood boil. It’s as though all the protagonists in this movie have been placed in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, only instead of dealing with wildly irrational and unreasonable people about mundane things like say, picking up a hooker so that you can use the carpool lane on a highway, you’re defending your sanity to people over a little girl whose past in an utter and complete mystery to even the people you adopted her from and for some reason she insists on dressing like a Hot Topic employee.
Seriously? Look at this kid. She’s fuckin’ nuts. Move on, let someone else adopt her. End of story.
I don’t know, the whole experience of having to sit through this movie just bothered me, and not in a good way, like Se7en or something. The movie ends up just playing out as an excuse for Esther to completely torture her mother in one tasteless fashion after the next and it just rubbed me the wrong way. After a while it just felt like, “Why? Why go through the trouble of making this movie so unnecessarily mean?” Ridiculous.
The movie starts out good enough and for a half-hour or so entertains the idea that it won’t totally suck, but then everyone starts taking Esther’s side and all you can do is wait for the inevitable and think, “Esther is going to kill all you naysayers, and because you’re all being jackasses, you pretty much deserve it.”
If you didn’t catch on from all the subtle hints in the poster, there’s a twist ending that finally reveals what’s wrong with Esther. You hope for it to be great and that it will give you a completely new outlook on the shitty mess you’ve been watching for nearly two hours, but since there’s already so many twists you can think up for a movie like this and it really isn’t that hard to see what it’s going to be long before it just affirms what you think it is, the twist totally sucks.
The point is, don’t see Orphan. The scares suck, they’re all cheap and stupid, it’s an utterly infuriating movie to sit through, and it’s a total knockoff of this crap movie that came out a good while back called The Good Son, only the demon spawn in question is Macaulay Culkin, back when he was the coolest kid on the planet.
So way to go, Orphan. It now sucks even more to be an orphan named Esther.
Get Carter (1971)
VERDICT:
5/10 Kickass Older Brothers
Apparently Michael Caine was one mean sonofabitch back in the day. Who knew? He always seemed pretty nice to me.
Get Carter is about a cold-blooded bastard of a guy that takes a break from contract killings and takes a trip back home to find out who covered up his brother’s murder…then kill them. There’s a whole lot of covering up to..uncover, a lot of women to sleep with and slap around, a whole lot of scotch to drink, and, of course, a lot of bad dudes that are pretty much asking for it.
I don’t care if you can’t stand the guy. If his brother kills people for a living, you let it slide. It’s an unspoken rule.
I was hoping to like Get Carter a lot more than I did. After all, Michael Caine is a great actor and I figured I couldn’t go wrong with a movie where he plays a shotgun-toting anti-hero picking people off in the underbelly of England. But even though he’s pretty serious and the premise is promising, things don’t always end up like you’d hope they would.
Such is life.
It’s a really gritty movie that revolves around a town that’s seemingly filled to the brim with the scum of the Earth, but after a while it’s all just a little much. There’s nothing very redeeming about the grim story, or the characters who are all pretty much going right to hell one way or another, or Carter, especially. Yeah, he’s a badass, but he’s also a fuckin’ jerk that I really didn’t care all that much about. He comes off like a total asshole version of James Bond, only not as charming and completely lacking in the nifty gadget department.
I don’t know, aside from Caine, I was also surprisingly bored by this movie. I like to think I have a lot of patience for movies, but the plot here is surprisingly slow and difficult to follow to the point where I found myself losing interest instead of wanting to know more. And like I said, I really could care less about finding who killed Carter’s brother, nor did I care about who got killed. Everyone in Carter’s home town sucks, but no one really stands out from one another either. Maybe it’s just me, but I have a hard time sympathizing with ruthless assholes.
So I guess it’s worth a watch if you’re looking for something real dark and tough as nails, but a good, atypical performance by Michael Caine isn’t enough to save Get Carter from being one hell of a depressing movie that I doubt I’ll ever go back to.
Hey, I’m sure it’s a hell of a lot better than that horseshit remake with Sly Stallone, but that’s already kind of a given.
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