Gremlins (1984)
VERDICT:
3/10 Exercises in Irresponsibility
Man, this movie has not aged well.
Gremlins is about a kid who gets a cute, cuddly, alien-like creature called a Mogwai as a Christmas present from his dad who happened to find the little guy from the world’s shadiest back-alley voodoo shop on China. But as with most things you buy from voodoo shops in China, there’s a catch to the Mogwai. The catch is as follows: there are only three painfully easy rules you need to follow as owner of a Mogwai: 1) The Mogwai doesn’t like bright lights and direct sunlight can kill it; 2) Don’t get it wet, and; 3) For the love of God, whatever you do, don’t feed the little bastard after midnight.
Despite how nice this kid is, he’s apparently a freakin’ idiot and a horrible pet owner as he manages to allow all three of these things to happen within the first night or so of owning the Mogwai. Granted, Corey Feldman is responsible for getting it wet, but he didn’t know any better. Why the hell would you let Corey Feldman into your house to begin with? Again, kid’s a freakin’ diot.
So I guess this was supposed to be a horror comedy of sorts, but it’s not scary and it’s not funny. I don’t know if this was meant to be a satire or what, but geez, swing and a miss.
The movie starts out well enough being that the main Mogwai in question, Gizmo, is cool to watch even by 1980’s standards and of course you’re just waiting to see what happens when the kid acts a fool and breaks the only three rules he’s supposed to follow as Gizmo’s caretaker. So we learn pretty early on that the bright light thing just makes Gizmo spazz out, no big deal. Then it gets wet and starts spawning new Mogwai out its back for some reason, which is kinda cool. Then these Mogwai spawn manage to get some chicken wings fed to them after midnight…and the movie takes a hard nosedive down the shitter.
So the Mogwai get fed and turn into these things. One would think that the movie would take a horrifying turn, but instead it manages to avoid being at all scary in lieu of being overwhelmingly dumb as hell. Rather than have the new “evil” Mogwai start killing people and whatnot, they all decide to split up in two factions: the gremlins who are all freakin’ PSYCHED to stage a sing-a-long to Snow White at the local movie theater, and the gremlins who all decide to go to the local bar and get shitfaced while playing poker.
I was into this movie for a while, then this all happened and I found myself astonished at how quickly I decided to give this movie a 3 out of 10. It’d be one thing if it was funny, but I was pretty tempted to turn it off after a while.
I know this an ’80s cult classic or something, but then again, I think a lot of things from the ’80s seemed a lot better at the time than they actually were. The animatronics of the Mogwai are cool to watch, it’s got promise, and there’s a pretty decent scene where a Mogwai blows up in a microwave and another gets its head lopped off into a fireplace. But other than that, Gremlins is pretty shitty.
Worst. Present. Ever.
Rushmore (1998)
VERDICT:
9/10 Extracurriculars
I once heard that Ben Stiller dumped a girl because “she didn’t get Rushmore.” That’s a bit on the harsh side, but after watching this again for the first time in years, I can kinda see where Ben’s coming from.
Rushmore is essentially about an eccentric high schooler and his 40-year-old friend that both fall in love with the same woman. That’s it really. And while it’s simple enough in premise, the movie is really carried by its two main characters.
The high schooler in question is the legendary Max Fischer, played by an up-until-then unknown Jason Schwartzman, a student so devoted to Rushmore Academy and its laundry list of various clubs and sports that he founded or manages, it almost makes up for the fact that he’s the worst academic student there. Max’s older friend is Herman Blume, played by the god-like Bill Murray, a wealthy donator to Rushmore Academy who can’t stand his kids, can’t stand his marriage, and…well, he can’t stand anyone except Max really.
Now, Jason Schwartzman really hasn’t done much worth noting before or after this movie came out, but considering he’s playing opposite one of the funniest men alive, he freakin’ rocks it. And Bill Murray…well, I’ve probably already said all I can say about how good Bill Murray is. He’s Bill Murray. You get the point.
It’s weird. Reading back the synopsis I just wrote, it occurrs to me that it’s kind of hard to do this movie justice without seeing it for yourself. Then again, it’s kind of hard to describe what makes Wes Anderson’s movies so unique from works of other directors without seeing them for yourself. Visually, yeah, they’re pretty hard to describe, but, for the most part, you can’t take your eyes of them and they are fuckin’ slick. The story here is pretty solid, but what really sells it is Anderson’s writing style, along with co-author Owen Wilson. It’s just really quirky, relatable, filled to the brim with choice one-liners, and riddled with absolutely hilarious shit that you don’t come across all that often any more.
The soundtrack is also freakin’ awesome. It’s not often I come across movies that are scored to Cat Stevens, The Kinks, The Who, and John Lennon among others. It also helps that the songs all fit beautifully into the look and feel of the movie, but then again, hard to go wrong with that track list to begin with. Always great to find a director with good taste in music.
Seeing this again, it was great to be reminded of how good Wes Anderson really is. This is nearly two hours of really funny, really well-written stuff that I haven’t seen the like of since The Royal Tenenbaums. I’d be surprised if Fantastic Mr. Fox is going to be a return to form for him, but after forcing myself to sit through The Darjeeling Limited not long ago and trying to convince myself that The Life Aquatic wasn’t all that disappointing when it first came out, this movie just makes me shake my head and think, “Wes. Where’d you go, man?” Either way, he’s still pretty kickass and Rushmore is evidence that the guy has the potential to make great movies that are very much his own.
So if you’re into seriously deadpan, quotable humor, you can’t go wrong with Rushmore. A great movie that I almost forgot about.
Please come back to us, Wes. We miss you.
And the best Tarantino movie of all time (so far) is…
PULP FICTION!
Way to go, Quentin. You may look kinda crazy, but damn do you make some good movies.
RESULTS:
Reservoir Dogs: 5 votes
Pulp Fiction: 6 votes
Jackie Brown: 0 votes
Kill Bill: Volume 1: 1 vote
Kill Bill: Volume 2: 1 vote
Death Proof: 0 votes
Inglourious Basterds: 1 vote
Now bring out the gimp!
The Matrix (1999)
VERDICT:
10/10 Morbid Wardrobes
Thought about giving this a 9, then I thought about the two times I saw it in theaters and the thirty-odd times I watched this when it finally came out on VHS. I had a lot of free time in middle school.
The Matrix takes place in a pretty bleak future where, unbeknownst to us, the everyday world we live in is actually a mass computer program that we have all been plugged into by machines because, of course, we ended up making machines so damn smart that by the time the year 2199 rolled around, it got to the point where they could think for themselves and start harvesting humans for energy. Anyway, the story revolves around a lonely hacker that discovers the alternate reality we live in, he gets recruited by freedom fighters in the future to save humanity from the machines as “The Chosen One”, and learns mass amounts of kung-fu because it’s sweet.
I’m tellin’ you, one day someone is going make this creepy mofo too damn smart and we are going to be totally fucked. Someone oughta send those scientists a copy of this movie before T-1000s start showing up at our door.
But, man. The Matrix. Where to begin.
Why don’t we start with how movies haven’t been the same since this came out. Yeah, that’s a good place to start.
Think back movies like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or any action movie that used people on wires/shootouts in slo-mo since 1999 for that matter, then consider that none of them would have existed if it weren’t for this movie. It’s like how after Die Hard came out and blew the whole “one-man-army” genre of action movies out of the water, everyone looking to pitch an action movie from that point on pretty much started their shpiel with, “It’s like Die Hard, only it’s in a plane/submarine/prosthetics factory/etc.” The Matrix set a new standard for what could be done in movies and it’s no surprise the sequels couldn’t top the original because, really, how do you top The Matrix? That also explains why the Wachowski Brothers more or less resorted to repeating the same fight scenes and karate moves (i.e.: Trinity’s mid-air flying crane kick that gets rehashed a good twenty times) instead of trying to come up with new shit that wasn’t ripped right out of a highlights reel from Dragon Ball Z.
But aside from the way it revolutionized action movies, the movie’s script is also really freakin’ good. The whole false-reality-created-by-evil-machines concept was totally fresh, the characters are all fantastic in their own cool, taciturn variations, and while the Wachowski’s heady, robotic dialogue hasn’t really worked outside of the Matrix universe since, it was perfect for this kind of setting.
And who better to deliver these heady, robotic lines as humanity’s savior than Keanu Reeves, a man with the emotional range of a toaster. Considering that it plays to his strengths, I think it’s safe to say that his role here as Neo might be right up there with Ted Theodore Logan, another role that clearly played to his strengths at the time. Laurence Fishburne is cool as Neo’s mentor of sorts, Morpheus; Hugo Weaving is damn cool as Neo’s enemy, Agent Smith (kinda surprised his career didn’t really take off after this); and I guess Carrie-Anne Moss is cool as Neo’s main squeeze, Trinity. She’s no Sarah Connor, but Trinity’s a pretty badass chick all the same.
Look, if you’re one of the few people left on Earth who still hasn’t seen this movie, honestly, what the hell? This really is a phenomenal movie, and before you disagree, I’d suggest you go see it again. I feel like this movie became victim to its own hype after a while, but there’s good reason behind practically everyone having this movie in their DVD collection nowadays. It’s too bad the Wachowski Brothers totally screwed the pooch on every movie they’ve made since, but then again, they made The Matrix. It’s kind of a downhill slope from that point on no matter how you cut it.
A well deserved 15 minutes if you ask me.
Ponyo (2009)
VERDICT:
8/10 Freaky Fish
Saw this by myself…on a Thursday night…in my work clothes…in a theater that may or may not have been host to a six-year-old girl’s birthday party. Talk about one killer social life.
Ponyo is about a magical, human-faced, red “goldfish” that swims away from home, gets rescued by a little kid, falls in love with the kid, gets taken back home by her father and, since she’s magic, goes hellbent about becoming human.
Sound familiar? Indeed. Ponyo is in fact a loose remake of The Little Mermaid, only it’s not a musical and it’s not total cornball kiddie crap. Alright, maybe that’s a little harsh, but this is way better. Wouldn’t be surprised if a number of people stopped reading this review a few sentences ago, but the rest of you out there, give yourselves a pat on the back. You guys are alright.
Now, I’m not that big of a fan of The Little Mermaid, but I am a big fan of Ponyo‘s director, Hayao Miyazaki, the guy behind Princess Mononoke and Spirit Away – two absolutely fantastic movies, the latter of which won a freakin’ Oscar. Still, not sure how to pronounce his first name, but he’s an incredible storyteller with one vivid imagination. Dude’s got skills to pay the bills.
But like I said, it’s a loose remake. The main premise is there, but the script is far more human than it is fantastic. In terms of story, everything’s been simplified on a dramatic and emotional scale. There’s no Ursula, there’s actually no main villain at all, there’s no singing fish, it’s not formulaic, and despite all the scenes involving magic, there’s something very believable about the story. It’s just a wonderful little story about two kids that are head-over-heels for each other and transformative power of true love. I too realize that I’m sounding pretty cheesy right now, but whatever, there are a lot of non-animated movies out there that could afford to be as genuine as Ponyo.
There’s also an absolute mess of famous people doing the voice acting in this movie. Tina Fey, Matt Damon, Liam Neeson, Cate Blanchett, Lily Tomlin, Betty White, Noah Cyrus (apparently she exists), and Frankie Jonas (apparently he exists, too). Might not make much of a difference, but an impressive cast all the same. That’s like a Shrek cast.
But the main selling point of Ponyo is the freakin’ stunning animation that’s second to none. Miyazaki’s movies have always been nothing short of gorgeous thanks to the combo of having a truly unique artistic style and the imagination of a first-grader on acid, and the beauty of Ponyo is that it clearly takes full advantage of both things. The colors, the imagery, the characters – all beautiful, all have to be seen to be fully appreciated.
It might not be Miyazaki’s best movie, and I’m not too sure that I’ve actually converted anyone into wanting to go see this, but if you’re looking to be the cool parent/older sibling/middle-school date, you could do a lot worse than going to see Ponyo. I could go on trying to defend my wanting to see this movie, but don’t knock it ’til you’ve given it a chance. After all, it’s kinda nice to see kids movies once in a while; being a kid was sweet.
District 9 (2009)
VERDICT:
6/10 Jumbo Shrimp
Man, humans are dicks.
District 9 takes place in an alternate reality where an alien spaceship finds itself stranded over Johannesburg, South Africa. Months after they land, they are forced out of their ship by Johannesburg military and are forced to live in a refugee slum sanctioned off from the rest of human society for over 20 years. This is the story of mild-mannered Wikus Van De Merwe (outrageously stupid name choice) who is selected to spearhead a government initiative to go into District 9, hand out eviction notice to the aliens, and move them to a concentration camp of sorts. As you might guess, this is a stupid plan, and things doesn’t go too well for Wikus.
I was pretty pumped to see this movie after hearing surprisingly good things and after seeing it do surprisingly really well at the box office. But not everything can live up to our expectations in life. Remember that, kids; write that one down.
So District 9 has a number of things going for it. It’s produced by Peter Jackson, and even though I’m still not very clear on what a producer actually does despite having had it explained to me on numerous occasions, I think you’re off to a pretty good start if you have the guy behind the Lord of the Rings movies backing your first major directing effort. Way to go on that one, Neill Blomkamp.
Not only that, but it has a very inspired, original premise that plays out like the politically charged bastard child of Starship Troopers, The Fly (1986), and Hotel Rwanda. It also helps that this movie was publicized with a very intriguing trailer that really didn’t give anything away. It’s been a while since I’ve more or less gone into a movie cold without really knowing what it was about, and I appreciated that. Hope that trend catches on.
I’m realizing now that his is kind of a short list of pros, but the one other thing that’s pretty boss about District 9 is the makeup and special effects. The aliens, aptly referred to as “prawns”, look pretty damn nasty, pretty damn believable (even though they might not be the most original looking aliens out there), and their smooth integration with the actors on-screen and vice-versa is pretty damn impressive. The whole makeup aspect kinda relates back to why this movie reminded me of The Fly, and if you’ve seen The Fly, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about and why this is a good thing. Don’t want to ruin either movie for anyone who hasn’t seen them, but trust me, shit gets crazy.
And while all those things are just swell, it’s kind of surprising to me how it just doesn’t all work like you’d think it should. Further proof that just because a movie looks pretty, it doesn’t mean jack shit if you can’t tell a good story.
First off, the hero of our story, Wikus Van De Merwe, totally sucks. I can understand wanting to see the aliens fight back and show the humans a thing or two, but it’s not good when you want to see the protagonist get whacked just because he’s being such an annoying, whiny dickhead the whole time. I don’t know if it was the guy playing him or the way the character was written up, but it did not work. Are there actually people named Wikus? Pretty sure that’s a Hobbit name.
Strike two for District 9 is the insano violence factor. Now, I have a pretty high tolerance for violence and gore, but Jesus H. Murphy, this is a freakin’ horror movie and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I was cringing every which way from Sunday during this thing. It’s cool for a bit, then you start wondering why this movie wasn’t subtitled How Many Ways Can You Blow People Up and it gets to be a little much a little too fast. We get it, aliens make some crazy guns.
There’s also this strange sideplot about a colony of Nigerian criminals running a black market inside District 9 that practice voodoo and eat various “prawn” organs to gain their strength. Not only is Nigeria not all that close to Johannesburg, but come on, the voodoo thing is a little much. Unnecessary.
I don’t know, man. By the end of it all, I found myself leaving the theater with a bad taste in my mouth. It gets points for being really intense, for its gorgeous visuals, and its fresh premise, but there’s such an overwhelmingly negative and borderline hateful undertone permeating throughout the entirety of the movie that really just rubbed me the wrong way. I felt so depressed after watching this that I took it upon myself to go watch Ponyo right after just to cheer up.
Guess it’s just another one of those movies I wished I had liked a lot more than I did. But what can you do.
Thanks, Ponyo.
Inglourious Basterds (2009)
VERDICT:
9/10 Karmic Turnarounds
Suck it, Valkyrie. Suck it hard. This is exactly what should have gone down in your movie. No one wants to sympathize with Nazis; Nazis fucking suck.
And so we have Inglourious Basterds, a movie that is essentially about a guerrilla outfit of Jewish American soldiers that go around killing mass amounts of Nazis in France during World War II.
There are other great sideplots and great characters that all tie in with the Basterds, but lets not kid ourselves, that brief synopsis should be enough to get your ass to the theater. Honestly, why wouldn’t you want to see this movie?
But then again, I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t as excited to see this as I normally would have been. It’s been a while since Tarantino has made a movie that really plays to his strengths as a screenwriter rather than as an action director. And what a a wonderful slap in the face it was to be reminded of how damn good of a writer he is; still a great director, don’t get me wrong, but Death Proof and the Kill Bills almost made me forget that part of the reason no one makes movies like Tarantino is because no one can really talk and tell a story like Tarantino.
And the best thing about this edgy, hilarious, and totally ingenious script is that it also brings out the best in all the actors. Now I’m usually not the biggest fan of Brad Pitt, but I am just about ready to take back everything negative I’ve ever put down about the guy. Sorry for calling you a pretty boy, you’ve got more range than I give you credit for, and I’ll even go revisit Twelve Monkeys one of these days and give you a second chance on that one. Brad, you freakin’ killed it in this movie as Lt. Aldo Raine, the leader of the Basterds, whuppin’ the hell out of those Nazis with a smile on your face like the badass you are. I never should have doubted you in the first place.
But like I said, the script is so damn good that it makes everyone else so damn good as well. B.J. Novak from The Office is good, there’s absolute slew of people in this movie that I’ve never heard of that are all really good, and Mike Myers has a freakin’ classic cameo in here that’s easily counts as his best contribution to the world since the first Austin Powers. That guy needed it after The Guru.
And while everyone is top-notch here, there is one performance that stands head and shoulders above the rest, and that is the role of German S.S. Colonel Hans Landa as played by this guy, Chrisoph Waltz, who I can’t believe I’ve never seen or heard of before this. He’s pretty much the main villain in the movie, even more so that Hitler and Goebbels, and it’s hard to describe what makes him such a good bad guy without seeing him for yourself. One of those utterly manipulative characters that prides himself on being evil without batting an eye to the morality of his actions, but damn if you can’t help but like the guy and contemplate the idea of grabbing a stein of beer with him. This is more than just great writing, this is clearly great acting, too. Dude had better get at least nominated for an Oscar next year.
In closing, the premise is great, the writing is great, the acting is great, and the two and a half hours fly by so fast that it’ll leave you wanting more. It’s also pretty violent, but you’ve probably gathered as much by now, you can handle it. Basterds is one of those movies you can’t help but watch and think, “Damn, these guys look like they had a fuckin’ time making this thing.” This is easily one of the best movies of 2009 so far and I’d go back to see it in a heartbeat. It’s about time those Nazis got what was coming to ’em, and I’m glad Tarantino was finally the guy to tackle the job.
Great title, too. Who cares if it’s spelled wrong.
Akira (1988)
VERDICT:
9/10 Splitting Headaches
Probably not the best movie to start out with for anime newcomers, but it’s arguably the best of its kind.
Akira takes place in Neo-Tokyo in the year 2019, 13 years after the Tokyo as we know it was wiped out by an atom bomb during WWIII. The story follows two best friends in a motorcycle gang that become quick rivals after one is granted outrageously powerful psychic powers by the Japanese government and the other takes it upon himself to kill him before he destroys Neo-Tokyo.
So yeah, the future kinda sucks. The future always sucks in Japan. I think someone needs a hug.
Akira is based off a six-part manga series of the same name that spans over 1000 pages. As you might imagine from reading that last sentence, a crap load of the story, characters, and plot from the source material was cut out in order to make a 100+ page movie script, like turning all the Lord of the Rings novels into one two-hour head trip. In some ways it works, it some ways it doesn’t, but it’s still pretty kickass.
After all is said and done, you still have the main story of Akira, and it’s a pretty impressive, original story about corrupt military governments and why shouldn’t fuck with kids. The characters are also cool, there’s some character development here and there, but there’s really not enough room to flesh them out sufficiently. Like I said, 1000 pages brought down to 100.
But the main problem with the movie, which is probably pretty self-explanatory by now, is that it’s just too damn confusing to take in all at once. Luckily, this is one of those movies I could watch over and over, but it suffers from the same issue that crippled the storyline of No Country For Old Men: the action scenes are so good that you forget to listen to the story. Nor does it help that the story is heady as all hell in this case, but if you see it enough, you can probably wrap your head around what’s going on just enough to pat yourself on the back and say, “I think I get it…but I probably don’t.” All the more reason to give it that extra shot.
The animation is also absolutely gorgeous and nothing short of epic. The Japanese are all about dystopian societies and making them grim beyond belief, and the great thing about making an animated dystopian society that’s grim beyond belief is that the director, Katsuhiro Otomo, has a completely blank canvas to work off of without any limitations that real life might pose. A live-action remake of Akira was actually in the works to come out in a few years, and even though that plan recently fell through, it’s hard to imagine a lot of this shit being done credibly with real actors. It’d be one hell of a feat to do it, but still, the pro of having this story animated is that, from an onlookers perspective, you can take it with a grain of salt and just let your imagination go.
And even though it is animated, this is also a very adult movie; a hard “R”. It’s pretty much guaranteed that your mouth will be gaping wide in shock at the sight of the multitude of brutally bizarre things this movie has to offer, but that’s also kind of the draw to it. Akira is just one of the all-time great cyberpunk classics, it’s a no-hold-barred experience, and you really won’t ever see anything else like it. It might not be for everyone, but if you’re into anime and have never seen this, I suggest you get your shit in gear and Netflix this bad boy a.s.a.p. Just don’t sit your kid down in front of this because there weren’t any copies of Kung-Fu Panda left at Blockbuster. Be a smart parent.
The Baby’s Room (2006)
VERDICT:
7/10 Suspiciously Affordable Mortgage Rates
Couldn’t find a poster for this movie, so Bat Boy will have to suffice.
Though it may sound like it, The Baby’s Room is not based off a book by Nicholas Sparks. It’s actually about a husband and wife that move into an old mansion of a house with their infant son. The first night in the house, they hear someone talking over the other end of the baby monitor, and they are subsequently terrified by it even though no one is there when the husband checks out the room. The next night, they put a new monitor in the baby’s room with a video camera on it, only to have the husband wake up in the middle of the night and see a man leaning over his son’s crib. Husband investigates again, no one’s there. Maybe he’s going crazy, maybe some shit is up, who knows.
Apologies for the long synopsis, but it is quite creepy.
Chances are you’ve never heard of this movie. No worries, I hadn’t either. Apparently it was part of a Spanish horror collection called 6 Movies To Keep You Awake, and while I do my best to keep up with the latest in Spanish horror collections, I realize that many of us do not share in this passion. But it was recommended to me by my uncle after he saw that I freakin’ loved The Orphanage – the best horror movie I’ve seen since The Ring way back when in 2001.
The Orphanage and The Baby’s Room are both Spanish horror movies, because I guess the Spanish are just now realizing how much they like scaring people, and they both feel pretty similar in tone. They also look like they were filmed in the exact same haunted house which anyone would be fucking crazy to move into. And while it didn’t scare the absolute daylights out of me like The Orphanage did, this movie definitely has its moments and a pretty cool premise to boot. And the good thing about horror movies in foreign languages, unlike dramas in foreign languages, is that after a while you really don’t notice the subtitles; you’ll be too damn focused on not crapping yourself to remember to complain about reading what’s on the screen.
Then again, it’s not perfect, and there are a couple of problems worth pointing out. It’s only a little over an hour long, so everything happens a little too fast in terms of plot progression. Not a whole lot of buildup before the happy couple starts to realize that their new house totally sucks. Another is that as soon as they start reporting to the police that someone is in their house or if they look to someone to consolation, the only thing anyone else has to say on the matter is, “You’re going to die, tough shit.” Strange bedside manner in my opinion, but the couple surprisingly take it in stride.
But the most glaring problem here is a simple question that everyone watching this movie will inevitably find themselves yelling at the screen: “Why don’t they just move out the fucking house?” The husband loses his damn mind over trying to figure out what’s wrong with his house when he really has no reason to be invested in it whatsoever. Naturally, this doesn’t really make things better for anyone involved, especially when anyone else in their right mind would have peaced out in a hot minute. So tisk, tisk, Spanish husband. You are a dumb man.
Oh, and the ending doesn’t really make sense either.
Now, I don’t have kids, but I can only assume that this is not a movie made for new parents. It was spooky enough without having a baby down the hall to worry about, so consider this a fair warning to all you mommies and daddies out there. The Baby’s Room, while it may not be the most memorable and fully-thought-out horror movie I’ve seen in recent memory, it’s still worth a good scare and gets some bonus points for originality.
Not enough Bat Boy in it either.
The Breakfast Club (1985)
VERDICT:
9/10 Permanent Records
This review is a good three weeks overdue, but in memory of the late, great John Hughes, I’m taking a trip back to what is hands-down the best thing he ever did for mankind.
The Breakfast Club is about a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal that are all forced to spend a Saturday at school together for various reasons that undoubtedly included a call home to their parents. They’re told to write an essay by the dickhead dean about who they think they are, and over the course of the day they discover just that.
To say that this movie is nothing short of groundbreaking really doesn’t do it justice. Think about every movie about teens that came out after 1985. Any teen dramedy, take your pick. All those movies that come to mind, chances are those wouldn’t freaking exist without The Breakfast Club. Might sound like a pretty big statement, but seriously, this is the Godfather of teen dramas.
Suck on that, High School Musical. Quit singing and drop an F-bomb already.
This is one of those movies that blew me away when I first saw it, then kind of forgot about it, then revisited years later only to be floored once again. Because this movie has fallen into such a cliche’ of sorts thanks to shitheap “parodies” like Not Another Teen Movie, people tend to forget that all those cliche’s originated here, back when no one else had done it before. And nearly twenty-five years later, it still feels fresh. Pretty impressive shit right there.
It’s just that everything about this movie kicks ass. For one, the script is freakin’ phenomenal. It’s not often you find a movie where teens actually talk like teens about issues that all teens actually deal with, not to mention it’s quotable as hell and totally hilarious.
The characters are also great and so are the actors that play them. But Judd Nelson, who’s never done anything of substance before or after this movie came out, steals the fuckin’ show as John Bender, the badass rebel/scumbag bastard of the group. Every time I see this movie I try to convince myself that I’m the most like Bender, but then again, I think everyone who was like Anthony Michael Hall in high school wished they were like Judd Nelson.
Eh, screw that, I like Anthony Michael Hall. Get a job, Bender.
But the thing that’s truly great about The Breakfast Club is that it’s timeless. Everyone goes through high school, everyone falls into a clique, everyone remembers how much it sucks to be a teenager sometimes, and the cycle will inevitably continue on long after we’re all gone. Few people have managed to capture the voice of teen angst in the way that John Hughes has here and I’d be surprised if anyone else ever managed to best it. Guy was the J.D. Salinger of screenwriters.
So, Mr. Hughes, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that we’re all sorry to see you go, but even if you never went ahead and made Sixteen Candles or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, not many can say that when all is said and done, they at least managed to capture the voice of an entire generation in a two-hour time span. You’ll be missed and you were the man.
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 
