Scanners (1981)
VERDICT:
6/10 Pig Livers and Shotguns
Not as awesome as I was I thought it would be, except for a couple minutes which are indeed totally awesome.
Scanners is about two guys with psychokinetic powers. One of them is a mean bastard that’s trying to use his powers to take over the world, the other one is a relatively good guy who takes it upon himself to stop this mean bastard and save the world.
You think you know, but you have no idea. This is the diary of a scanner.
So right off the bat, this is a pretty awesome premise that could really go either way. It’s one of David Cronenberg’s first movies, but David Cronenberg can either hit it out of the park or strike out swinging for a five-run homer. Unfortunately, Cronenberg pulls a swing and a miss here, but that’s okay, he’s got a lot of heart.
The other big area of potential here is the psychokinetic powers thing, and while the idea of a movie that revolves around people raising hell by using their minds like Jedis on a meth binge is nothing short of totally bitchin’, this is never a sure thing. Sometime it works, like in Akira, other times it doesn’t, like in Push (so I hear). Ultimately, I’m going to give Scanners the benefit of the doubt here, but it definitely walks that thin line between corny and cool like a boozehound taking a sobriety test.
The story’s original and its got some serious potential as I already mentioned, but there’s only two instances throughout the entire movie where scanning actually gets put to good use. It actually ends up being pretty boring as it just meanders along from one disappointing scanning scene to the next considering that the two best parts I mentioned are at the very beginning and at the very end; same problem that Master and Commander had, only without telepathy and shit. The dialogue is forgettable, so are most of the characters, and the lead actor, Stephen Lack, is nothing short of intolerable to watch.
Look, there are two reasons to see this movie. One is that the evil scanner, Darryl Revok (great name), is played by Michael Ironside, a guy who’s always been a badass but has never gotten the proper respect he deserves. Fun fact: he’s also the voice of Sam Fisher from the Splinter Cell video games.
The other reason to see this movie is this scene.
Before you watch it, should give you fair warning that it’s very NSFW and it’s not for the faint of heart. On the other hand, it’ll also save you from having to watch the entire movie because it’s the only part actually worth seeing. And if you really want to see how awesome Michael Ironside is, just go watch Total Recall instead.
So for those two reasons and because of my respect for Cronenberg as a director who’s made some pretty great movies in his time and has always done his own thing, Scanners gets a 6. Wouldn’t recommend sitting through the whole thing, but definitely check out that clip if you want to see what all the fuss is about.
Just watch it. You know you want to watch it.
Beerfest (2006)
VERDICT:
8/10 Well-Earned Hangovers
Wasn’t expecting to like this movie as much as I did, but then again, most things in life are surprisingly better when you throw three friends and 30 beers in to the mix. God, I miss college.
Beerfest is about a group of guys that put together a competitive beer drinking team of truly gifted alcoholics to represent the USA in the world’s premiere drinking competition in order take down almighty Germany and regain their family’s former glory.
Figured this would be a pertinent review considering I’ve been drooling on the keyboard wishing I was over in Germany for Oktoberfest right about now, proudly donning my lederhosen while drowning in stein after stein of sweet, sweet beer. I’m sure some of you out there share in my sentiments. For the rest of you wine aficionados out there, this probably isn’t the comedy you’ve been looking for.
But come on, the movie’s called Beerfest. It knows the demographic it’s going for and that’s the very demographic that’s going to laugh their ass off – male, late teens to early thirties, has an appreciation for getting drunk. It’s a pretty specific audience and I’m very grateful to be a part of it.
The guys behind this movie are the Broken Lizard crew, the guys responsible for Super Troopers (hilarious), Club Dread (haven’t seen it, it’s on the list), and the upcoming Slammin’ Salmon (which I can’t wait for). They’re all pretty funny in their own ways, but, as usual, Kevin Heffernan steals the show as Landfill, the overall glutton/anchor of the team. Interestingly enough, this is also probably their most accessible movie to date, primarily because you don’t really have to listen all that hard to pick up on the endless beer, sex, and farting/burping gags. It’s actually a different kind of humor for them, but it works, and that’s what matters.
The story is whatever, it’s good for what it is, but all the characters are pretty damn funny and its got a ton of obscure cameos from people who would ordinarily have absolutely nothing to do with a movie like this. I’m talking about Donald Sutherland (needs a comeback), Willie Nelson, Cloris Leachman, and, the best appearance of all, Jurgen Prochnow – the badass lead actor from Das-freakin’-Boot. Don’t know Jurgen? Just go watch Das Boot. He is the man and it’ll make Beerfest a whole lot funnier if you know who he is going in.
But look, this is a guy movie. I’m sure there are women out there who’d dig this, but it’s crass, it’s gross, there’s a lot of masculine grunting, and if you’re not watching it with a thirty-pack at your side and friends to help you, you’re not watching it right. Not trying to be sexist in the least, just giving you fair warning in case you get suckered into this by your boyfriend/husband.
So cancel your plans this weekend, go to a Blockbuster before they’re a thing of the past, call up some friends, tell ’em to bring booze, and celebrate Oktoberfest the American way. Beerfest might not be the thinking man’s comedy of the new millennium, but who needs brains when you’ve got beer.
Can I get an Amen?
American Movie (1999)
VERDICT:
9/10 Unlikely Inspirations
Can’t remember where I heard about this movie, but what an awesome find.
American Movie is a documentary about a Midwestern thirty-something guy named Mark Borchardt (see poster, dude on the left), a life-long horror movie cinephile who’s bursting at the seams to do something with his life and achieve his American Dream of finishing Northwestern – his magnum opus that he began filming six years prior. But with mounting money problems and lack of a real job, he quickly realizes that he first has to finish Coven – a short film about God-knows-what – and sell 3,000 copies of it if he’s ever going to have the resources to make it to the big time.
Now, some of you may be thinking, “Why would I watch this?” Good question. I can picture you reading this synopsis, then looking at the main characters on the poster, and thus coming to the conclusion that this looks ridiculous. And in fact, it kind of is. The people involved are all ridiculous, the movies they’re making are ridiculous, and their haircuts are the embodiment of ridiculous. But when it’s ridiculous, it’s absolutely hilarious.
It probably wasn’t intended to be much of comedy when the directors started filming this thing, but dear God, this is nothing short of a testament to how funny people can be when they’re just being themselves. Mark Borchardt is funny for all the reasons I’ve already mentioned considering he’s the mastermind behind it all, but the icing on the cake is his best friend Mike Schank (see poster, dude on the right), a genuinely nice guy who is seemingly wandering through life in a purple haze after spending nearly every waking minute chugging handles of vodka with Mark and dropping so much acid that it nearly kills him…then taking more acid.
The big reason some documentaries about ordinary people fail isn’t because of the subject material isn’t interesting, but rather because the people in front of the camera aren’t interesting. You could make anything interesting to anyone if the right person is there to tell you about it. For instance, I took my mom to see The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters a couple years ago – my mom who’s never played a video game in her life let alone would ever be interested in seeing a movie about them. But by the time the credits rolled, it was one of our favorite movies of ‘o7. Why? The characters, my man. It all goes back to the freakin’ characters.
And that’s what’s great about this movie. It actually reminded me a lot of Anvil! The Story of Anvil (one of the best of ’09) in that it’s about these people who are just so hellbent on making a living out of what they love to do and have such an profound passion for wanting to share their craft with the world that, as a viewer, you can’t help but become attached to what they’re involved in. In Anvil! it was heavy metal, in American Movie it’s B-grade horror movies, and while it helps that I’m into both, it really doesn’t matter; it’s not about the movie, it’s not about the music, it’s about everyone’s universal dream to make their mark on the world and how entrancing it is to watch people just up and go for it.
This is also a great inside look at the outrageously lengthy and painstaking amount of time it takes to put together even a half-hour-long movie. I’m betting a good deal of people probably don’t get what a total bitch of a process it is behind the scenes, but let me tell ya’, it’s a bitch alright. But that just kind of adds to the whole appeal, that if this guy who can hardly pay his phone bill, has three kids to take care of, and lives in the middle of nowhere can do it, then dammit, I can too.
So all you readers out there, if you’re sick of your dead-end job, if you’re tired of talking about all the shit on your bucket list instead of doing all the shit on your bucket list, or if you’re currently going through a mid-life crisis, do yourself a favor and give American Movie a watch. It’s the much-needed kick in the ass you’ve all been looking for, especially for all you aspiring film makers and screenwriters out there.
The Thing (1982)
VERDICT:
9/10 Blood Tests
One of the all-time great horror movies and a completely insane trip every time I see it.
The Thing is about a group of researchers huddled up in Antarctica that get sidetracked from their work when an alien symbiote of sorts invades their camp, starts killing folks, poses as their doppelganger, and everyone has to figure out who’s a Thing and who’s not before they’re all dead and the sucker escapes to the outside world.
It’s kinda like Invasion of the Body Snatchers (the 1978 remake) mixed with And Then There Were None (a cool movie I completely forgot about until just now). If you haven’t seen either, just trust me on this one, it’s a good combo and it’ll spook the shit out of you.
So the movie gets its scares in two ways: constant paranoia and utilizing some of the best horror makeup and special effects that rival The Fly and An American Werewolf in London. On their own, they’re both damn effective at getting the desired jaw to drop or pants to soil, but it’s when they come together all at once, which happens a lot, that this movie really gets awesome.
You wouldn’t know going into it, but this movie is a whodunit of sorts, more like a “whoisit”, actually. And like all great whodunits, you don’t figure out who’s responsible or that things are about to go terribly wrong until it’s too late. In this case, finding such things out usually means you’re gonna die horribly five seconds later by a creature that just bitch-slapped every last one of your worst nightmares. It probably goes without saying at this point that director John Carpenter does a great job of keeping the audience as out of the loop as his characters are and, boy howdy, does he keep you on edge. I’m really freakin’ tempted to go into some of the bizarro shit that goes on in this movie, because it is NUTS, but you gotta see it for yourselves to get the full brunt of how much more impressive special effects used to be back when they all weren’t whipped up on a computer screen.
This is also the second of three kickass collaborations between John Carpenter and Kurt Russell, the other two being Escape from New York and Big Trouble in Little China. I don’t know what happened, but John Carpenter’s kinda fallen off the map since They Live back in ’88, and that’s a bummer considering he’s made a crap-load of great, original movies. Same thing with Kurt Russell, actually. That guy needs a comeback big time, he was a total badass (Death Proof doesn’t count; cool role, mediocre movie). Anyway, these two work really well together, Carpenter’s at the top of his game here and Russell has a big bushy beard and torches fools with a flamethrower the whole time. What more could you ask for?
The point is, as far as horror movies go, The Thing is borderline brilliant. So many good scenes, so intense throughout, visually insane, and, most importantly, it’s utterly horrifying. One of those great little gems that makes you think while it’s scaring the poop out of you, and I like that.
I think this calls for a Carpenter/Russell reunion.
Someday, folks. Someday…
And the best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle is…
RAPHAEL?!?
What?
Folks, I am at a loss here. I was thinking Michelangelo would take this easy, even Leo or Don, but Raph? Am I missing something? I always thought Raph was a total dick who always had the worst weapons and was always killing Mikey’s buzz for no reason at all.
What’s wrong with eating pizza and having fun? Absolutely nothing, Raph. Get a fuckin’ grip.
All I’m saying is that when push comes to shove, I would vote this mofo off the island and ask Casey Jones to be the fourth turtle in a heartbeat.
Feel free to argue this, dear readers. I’m all ears on this one.
RESULTS:
Leonardo: 6 votes
Donatello: 5 votes
Michelangelo: 5 votes (criminal…)
Raphael: 7 votes
Nonetheless, makes for a sweet Halloween costume. (Me on the right, as Don, throwing gang signs)
Extract (2009)
VERDICT:
5/10 Letdowns
Man, what a meh comeback for Mike Judge.
Extract is about a guy that runs a flavoring extract company whose life gets turned upside down when his marriage turns to shit because he accidentally took some horse tranquilizers and hired a gigolo to have sex with his wife in a strange effort to make it okay for him to cheat on her. All the while, his job is being jeopardized by an employee who’s suing the company after losing a testicle in a freak accident at the plant
So here’s the big problem about this storyline: who cares? I was hoping this would work out to be an Office Space 2 of sorts, kind of relaying the fact that it sucks to work in a shitty job, but it completely steers clear of that and ends up being this total downer of a movie about people you won’t care about with stupid problems you won’t care about either. There’s this running gag of sorts about how the main character, played by Jason Bateman, is the only person that really cares about flavoring extract, but instead of sympathizing with him and understanding his passion, you just end up agreeing with everyone else.
That’s not good. There’s actually not much about the story that’s good at all.
Then again, it is funny at times, but we all know that Mike Judge can do a whole lot better. There are a ton of situations that could easily bring laughs, but more often than not they just result in another missed opportunity. I can recall maybe two or three times where the theater laughed collectively at something on-screen, but aside from that, I was hearin’ crickets, baby. Another unfortunate scenario where the funniest parts of the movie are all in the trailer.
But the star of the show was easily, and surprisingly, Ben Affleck as Jason Bateman’s best friend who’s solution to all of life’s problems can be found in a bong or a pill. There’s a lot of funny people in the cast, but for some reason he’s the only one here who’s actually trying to be funny. It’s good to see him in roles like this that just allow him to relax and be himself, like his bit role in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. You’re a funny dude, Ben. You make me laugh.
And like I said, everyone else is fine. Jason Bateman has his moments, so do Kristen Wiig and J.K. Abrams, but nothing standout. And this guy, David Koechner, he’s got a bit role, and no, he’s still not funny. The whole cast just looks like they’re going through the motions and that’s about it.
I feel like I’ve been a little harsh in this review, but Extract isn’t bad, it’s just disappointing. My good buddy Fred said he spent the movie putting a to-do list together in his head for the next day, and that’s about how interested you’ll probably be in it, too. If the script had gone through a couple more drafts and Judge had brainstormed a bit longer on the punch lines, this could have been gold. But nonetheless, Mike Judge is still a really funny guy and it’s gotta be pretty tough to live up to movies like Office Space and Beavis and Butthead Do America (freakin’ hilarious, under-appreciated movie).
I’ll be waiting Mike. You’ll do better next time, I just know you will.
Adventureland (2009)
VERDICT:
7/10 Corndogs
A good, authentic coming-of-age movie that reminds us how royally shitty our Summer jobs used to be.
Adventureland is about a recent college grad whose Summer plans to go on a Eurotrip get cancelled because his parents can’t foot the bill and he ends up taking a gig as a carnie at the local amusement park since he can’t get a job anywhere else. He ends up meeting a girl, smoking a lot of weed, drinking a lot of booze, getting punched in the balls a lot, and the rest is history.
It’s the semi-autobiographical story of director Greg Mottola, and considering that he’s also the guy who directed Superbad, I’m guessing he had some pretty kickass times in his youth. Almost beats my Summer where I stayed at home and played video games for two months. Oh, wait, that’s right…that was every Summer. God, I was cool.
So even though I sure as hell couldn’t relate McLovin’s High School experience to my own, it’s probably safe to say that everyone has worked a “character building” Summer job in their life (lord knows I have), and that’s where this movie works. Adventureland is easy to get into because we’ve all been there, we can all relate to this kid’s experience, and, yes, it sucked for everyone.
It’s great to come across a movie where the script feels like something I could have written, that anyone could have written, because it’s simple in premise, it’s about as complicated as growing up and figuring out women for the first time usually is, and you can connect to it. It also helps that the characters here aren’t sugarcoated and everyone here actually talks and behaves like young twenty-somethings. Actually reminded me a lot of this great book I read recently called The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, which is about a High School Freshman that breaks out of his shell, partly due to his discovery of sweet music and house parties. Awesome book, highly recommend it.
It’s also good that it’s pretty damn funny. Then again, weed, beer, and nut shots are a winning addition to any script.
The main character is played by Jesse Eisenberg, who I’m still trying to figure out if I like or not after seeing him in Roger Dodger and The Squid and the Whale a while back (both worth checking out), but he’s pretty good here all the same; seems likable enough, not sure about the hair. I’m guessing another draw to seeing this movie might be Kristen Stewart, for all you “Twihards” out there. But considering that this is the first time I’ve seen her act since Panic Room, and that doesn’t really count, she was pretty damn good. It’s just that everyone in the cast seems believably normal in both the way they act and the way they look, and that’s uncommonly great. Although the exception to the rule here is Ryan Reynolds, because people who look like Ryan Reynolds don’t make a living by fixing the teacup ride at local carnivals.
But the scene-stealers here are easily Bill Hader and Martin Starr. They’re freakin’ hilarious and seem to always turn up just when the movie starts to drag. Man, Martin Starr needs to start getting the respect he deserves, dammit. Go watch Freaks and Geeks, folks. You’ll understand.
The soundtrack is also great since it’s jam-packed with Lou Reed and Velvet Underground songs. Being that Lou Reed is the man, this has to be mentioned.
I wish I had more to say about this movie, or at least be more enthusiastic about what I’ve already said, because even though I liked it, the final product feels mostly forgettable. I guess that’s the double-edged sword of having a script that feels like it was written about anyone and everyone’s life and times after college, it comes off as unspectacular. After all, crazier times have been had by teenagers, I think Cameron Crowe in Almost Famous has the Summer to top. Nonetheless, I dug Adventureland and if you’re looking for an entertaining way to spend roughly two hours, you could do a lot worse.
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (2005)
VERDICT:
8/10 Nerdgasms
Man, I nearly shit my pants when I first saw this movie. You know, in a good way.
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children picks up in the rebuilt city of Midgar two years after Sephiroth was taken out and Meteor was destroyed by Lifestream. Things are good for our hero, Cloud, and all his old fighting buddies, but then this disease called Geostigma starts infecting people left and right, and to make matters worse, this trio of emo kids in leather spandex show up and, like total idiots, try to revive Sephiroth so that he can start up a whole new reign of terror that really wasn’t good for anyone the first time around. Naturally, Cloud and his enormous sword step in to take care of business, and it is awesome.
If you didn’t understand anything I just wrote, then you sure as hell won’t understand anything that’s going on in this movie. That’s probably because you haven’t played the greatest video game ever made, Final Fantasy VII, and this movie was pretty much made just for the die-hard fans like myself. Not gonna hold it against you, it’s a generational thing.
See, Advent Children is a continuation of the aforementioned video game that takes roughly 30 hours to get through. So chances are that if you haven’t played Final Fantasy VII, don’t like animated movies, and cringe at the thought of being forced to sit through an animated movie based on a video game, this is not your kind of movie. But for the rest of you out there, read on. Read on, my fellow nerds.
Looking at this from a film critic’s perspective, this definitely doesn’t deserve an 8; probably more like a 7, maybe even a 6. The reason being that the story here really doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. There’s not much going on with the characters if you don’t already know what their stories are, and the only way to know their stories is have spent an unhealthy amount of time sitting in front of your PlayStation, taking bothersome bathroom/food/sunlight breaks every six hours or so while learning all their ins and outs. I’ve seen this movie maybe two or three times and I have had very little luck in wrapping my head around the plot, especially in figuring out what the hell Geostigma is, nor does this movie make things any easier for people going into it cold. I dare someone to explain to me what Geostigma is; I double dare you.
Then again, looking at this from a video game junkie’s perspective, this movie made me giddier than a 10-year-old girl at Miley Cyrus concert.
First of all, the CG animation is absolutely gorgeous and deserves to garner some serious praise even if everything else seems like a garbled mess. Secondly, the action scenes are completely insane as it takes everything that was awesome about the video game and cranks the dial up to “FUCKING NUTS!” Lastly, it’s just awesome to see all my favorite characters from the game again just doing what they do best – defying the laws of gravity and fighting with enormous swords/enormous shurikens/prosthetic machine guns/motorcycles, etc.
Sure, the story sucks, and that is a bummer considering the game’s story is so damn great, but what a freakin’ ride all the same. I still vividly remember the first time I saw this, and holy hell was that a sweet moment in my life.
But like I said, this movie is really hard to praise or criticize if you’ve never played the game because you really will have no idea what is going on the entire time you’re watching it. Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children is strictly a movie for the fans, and while it’s not the yet-to-be-made video game remake/sequel that every fan has been bitching and moaning about for the past ten years to no avail, that doesn’t take away from this being a totally wild experience.
My suggestion: go play Final Fantasy VII. It really is the best game ever made and if you’ve already played it, you’ve probably already seen this movie anyway.
Nerd power.
Zero Effect (1998)
VERDICT:
7/10 Crazy Bosses
Saw this at the recommendation of Cut The Crap reader Mike O’B. So be like Mike and saddle up, readers. Send me those requests! It’s a win-win situation for everyone.
Zero Effect is about a brilliant, eccentric, coked-out private eye and his straight-laced assistant that get hired by a white-collar bigwig to find his lost keys. The title refers to the private eye’s memoirs that he narrates to the viewer throughout the movie, because his name is Daryl Zero, and because he does things effectively.
It kind of takes a little while to get into for a number of reasons, but once the Zero starts investigatin’ and the plot thickens up, it ends up being a pretty fun ride.
So, the first reason Zero Effect is kind of hard to get into is because of the actors. Daryl Zero is played by Bill Pullman and his assistant is played by a young Ben Stiller. Today, these two are actually pretty entertaining thanks to Zoolander and Pullman’s bit role in a pretty good movie that no one saw a couple years ago called You Kill Me – check that one out. But back in the day, these two were tolerable at best. Ben Stiller was the embodiment of every mopey yuppie in a black turtleneck during the early ’90s and Bill Pullman was, well, Bill Pullman. I guess I’ve just never been a big fan of Pullman; I think it’s because he squints a lot and makes it painfully clear that he’s trying really, really hard to be cool. Sorry, Bill, but you could choke slam Clint Eastwood while scoring the game-winning touchdown at the Super Bowl and you’d still be remembered as the President from Independence Day.
Then again, the good thing about Zero Effect is that once you get used to the characters and get drawn into the movie, you forget about how much they kind of bothered you to begin with and actually grow to enjoy them; one of the many wonderful things about good character development. No one likes watching a cokehead and a whiny bitch hang out together for two hours, one Act is more than enough time to remind us of that.
But the real draw here is the plot. It’s been a while since I’ve watched a whodunit like this and I found myself legitimately interested in what the hell was going on as seemingly unrelated pieces of the puzzle started coming together. I didn’t really know what to expect from this movie, but I actually had a pretty good time with it. I for one couldn’t write a script like this for the life of me; I’ll stick to fart jokes, thank you very much.
So give it a chance for the first half-hour and if by hour one you’re still not into it, you can probably just move on with your life. It’s got some good writing, a good plot, and hey, the President from Independence Day is in it. It’s also fun comparing Ben Stiller then to Ben stiller now – am I the only one who think he looks like an entirely different person?
All in all, a good recommendation from Mike O’B. I doubt I would have ever stumbled across Zero Effect otherwise and for that I am forever grateful. What a beautiful thing this movie reviewing gig is.
Awesome poster, too. Bill Pullman actually looks pretty badass. Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.
Rest in peace, Henry Gibson. Thanks for the movies.
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