Beowulf (2007)
VERDICT:
3/10 Epic Fails
What a bastardized and unnecessary movie this was.
Beowulf is about a warrior of epic proportions that moseys on over to a small town in Denmark to take out Grendel – a hideous monster that’s been terrorizing the said town and eating folks up because they’re all boozehounds and party too hard for Grendel’s liking. The Wulfmeister also has to fight Grendel’s mother, and then he has to fight a freakin’ dragon, but that’s about it.
Thought I would go ahead and give this one a write-up what with A Christmas Carol coming out this weekend (aka: Robert Zemeckis’ second journey into the…THE THIRD DIMENSION!) I’ve got a lot of problems with this movie, but how am I supposed to forgive the catalyst that re-ignited this ridiculous 3-D movie craze that somehow went from dumb as hell to cool as Fonzie without anyone batting an eye to it. Am I the only one who thinks that this is gonna be more fodder for the next episode of I Love The New Millennium on VH1?
Who cares if it looks like that spear is gonna poke you in the eye. Go outside, real life is in 3-D. Why has this become a selling point? What a joke.
Anyway, this movie is based off the Old English poem of the same name, a poem which happens to be very badass. Granted, it’s a tough story to adapt, but harder things have been done in movies. My point being that I don’t know what compelled Zemeckis to animate this movie of all things, but it doesn’t work. Everything that was cool and epic about the source material, from the characters to the action, just ends up feeling they way it looks – cartoonish. With real people, I’m confident this could have had the potential to be something else, something like a mix between Braveheart and The Lord of the Rings. But alas, Zemeckis didn’t get the memo that just because people liked The Polar Express doesn’t mean you can animate any damn thing you want.
Just a bad call that makes the finished product seem unfortunately childish. The overtly-epic dialogue really doesn’t help either. Tone it down there, Rob.
It’s too bad because there’s a slew of great actors doing the voice acting here. Ray Winstone, John Malkovich, Anthony Hopkins, Angelina Jolie (not so great), and Robin Wright Penn (sure, why not) all contribute their vocals, and even though I have no idea how to judge whether someone’s got a good voice or not, I guess that’s a draw to some.
Another big WTF moment was Jolie as Grendel’s mother. Go ahead, click on that link. What the hell is that about? That sure isn’t what she looks like and what goes down between her and Wulfie definitely doesn’t happen in the poem. Who wants to see a near-naked, animated Angelina Jolie? Man, shaking my head as I write this.
Grendel also looks nothing like I had imagined him being from the poem. He looks like a mutant man-child, like The Elephant Man mixed with The Hulk…after falling into a vat of battery acid. Not terrifying, just gross.
The thing with Beowulf is that it seemingly completely disregards everything about the source material that didn’t involve Beowulf killing things along with anything that might lead its audience to believe there’s any kind of depth to be found here. Being a big fan of the poem, it deserved a much better treatment than the one it got. It’s just eye candy and nothing more, and that’s a damn shame.
I have no idea if the same is going to be true for A Christmas Carol, but whatever, I’ll give Zemeckis the benefit of the doubt this one time. Go back to making movies with real people already, you’re the guy who did Forrest Gump for chrissakes! What happened, man?
Leon/The Professional (1994)
VERDICT:
9/10 Badass Mentors
One of the all-time great actions movies and arguably the second best thing Luc Besson has done for this fine planet, barely trailing behind La Femme Nikita.
The Professional is about a hitman named Leon who takes a young girl named Mathilda under his wing after her entire family is murdered because her dad bumped some coke off a crooked cop, (nice one, pops). Naturally, the girl wants to get revenge on the said cop, one thing leads to another and she convinces her brand new surrogate dad to train her as a junior assassin and in return she helps him to break out of his reclusive shell. All the while, this jerk cop is tracking down the hitman-with-a-heart-of-gold because his crew is getting offed at an alarming rate by a mysterious Frenchman who’s damn good with a gun. Being that there aren’t too many people that fit into that category in NYC (I’m guessing), and not to mention that this little girl can ID the cop for whacking her family, Leon quickly finds himself in hot water.
The relationship between Leon and Mathilda gets a little strange at times – especially in the Director’s Cut – but everything else about this movie is the bomb.
Geez, where to begin.
How about we start off with the mastermind behind it all, writer and director Luc Besson. Even though it’s been over a decade since his last good effort came out (The Fifth Element in ’97), when he’s on, this mofo is on. There are two things that Besson does really damn well as a film maker: 1) balance out serious action with lighthearted fun and, 2) pacing, pacing, pacing – something he probably does better than any other director I know of. The plot here constantly escalates from perfectly calm to flat-out warzone so smoothly that you’ll be too busy peeling the vice grip off your thigh to think about how the shit managed to hit the fan so fast without even seeing it coming.
Kinda hard to describe, but let me tell ya, folks, it’s a thing of beauty. Besson’s also whipped up a great script to boot with great characters and great dialogue for his cast to work with. And that bring me to the cast…
Jean Reno (who also played a hitman in the aforementioned La Femme Nikita – fun fact!) plays Leon, and for those who don’t know, Jean Reno is the freakin’ man. This is a fantastic introduction to a fantastic actor who really deserves to no longer be recognized as “That guy from Ronin (awesome)/The Pink Panther (not awesome)/Couples Retreat (heard it was far from awesome), etc.” There aren’t a whole lot of movie hitmen I can think of that measure up to Leon, and a lot of that is due to Reno’s performance. Someday he’ll get his due, and that will be a glorious day.
This was also the breakout role for a young Natalie Portman as Mathilda. I still think this is the best thing she’s ever done, which is kind of double-edged sword at this point, but since I’m talking about The Professional and not about Portman’s career, gonna give her the props she deserves. A very mature and demanding role for such a young kid and she totally pulls it off.
Danny Aiello is also in this as Leon’s boss – for those of us who still remember Danny Aiello. What the hell happed to that guy? He used to be in everything. One of history’s mysteries.
But the star of the show, the psycho actor to end all psycho actors, is the one and only Gary Oldman as our crooked cop, Lt. Stansfield. Dude, Oldman’s one of the best in the biz and to say he takes this role to a whole ‘nother level is an understatement if there ever was one. Stansfield is one of the great movie villians, straight up evil, cold as a carcass, and loving every minute of it. After you see what Oldman does here, it should be no surprise why he’s become the go-to guy for all characters batshit crazy. Also has the best lines if that wasn’t enough.
Man, this movie just kicks so much ass. Seen it a bagillion times and it never gets old. Such a cool ride, the action scenes are out of sight, phenomenally well crafted – especially for an action movie – and it’ll blow you away, even if you’ve already seen it before. In a nutshell, if you’re looking for one brutally dope action movie, everyone would should just go ahead and watch The Professional.
“Everyone?”
That’s right…
EEEEVVVEERRRYYYYYOONNNEEEEE!!!!
Slaughterhouse-Five (1972)
VERDICT:
7/10 Fortunate Sons
Not as good as the source material, but considering that adapting a near-unfilmable novel into a movie that actually makes sense is one hell of an undertaking, the final product is pretty solid.
Slaughterhouse-Five follows the story of Billy Pilgrim, an American soldier taken prisoner by the Germans during WWII who survives the infamous fire bombings of Dresden. During his time as a P.O.W. – for reasons unexplained – he becomes “unstuck in time” and is warped to different periods of his life at the blink of an eye, from his married years after the war, to the day he dies, to the night he gets abducted by aliens, all the while figuring out what he considers to be the important things in life.
It’s based off the novel of the same name by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., which also happens to be one of my all-time favorite books by my all-time favorite author. So yeah, go read the book. But for those of you haven’t gotten around to reading this fine piece of fiction, I can see how one might find this synopsis beyond strange. Not too many war movies incorporate time travel and aliens, but it probably goes without saying that this your normal war movie to begin with.
Forgive me if this turns into a book vs. movie review, but you’re probably not gonna go watch this if you haven’t already read the book anyway.
Alright, the things it does right…
My hat’s off to director George Roy Hill and screenwriter Stephen Geller because I didn’t think the poor guys had any chance in hell of pulling this thing off. But thanks to a well-edited plot that compliments the way our man Billy blips in and out of different periods of his life, somehow it works. It doesn’t really follow a normal story structure as each consecutive scene is wildly unchronological (is that a word?), but it does well to keep the audience in the know about when in Billy’s life each scene is taking place by the inclusion of major details that change according to how they normally would (ie: the aging process). Ends up being a lot easier to follow than I thought it would be.
And Michael Sacks – the kid who plays Billy Pilgrim – is actually pretty good, too. Both he and the script to a wonderful job of capturing the subtleties about his character that made him so special in the novel. He doesn’t have a whole lot of lines and he’s always walking through life in a haze of awe at the simplest of things, remaining very calm and collected at times while those around him are ripe with emotion, and I’m really glad that came across. Does a good job of adding to the whole feeling that war, along with life in general, is way too crazy and way too serious for its own good.
It’s kind of hard to pin down what it is about the novel’s message that makes it so profound, but a lot of it leads back to its recurring mantra (which isn’t mentioned in the movie for some reason) of “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to always tell the difference.” In other words, “Do yourself a favor and remember to focus on the good things in life rather than spend time worrying about all the unavoidable crap in between.”
Luckily, this message does end up being a big part of the movie, and that is a-okay. Even though it isn’t all that effective as an anti-war statement as Vonnegut’s own words were, it works well as the bastard love child of a handful of different genres and still has a number of pretty bright things to say about life in general.
Rather than keep on repeating myself, I’ll just wrap this up and reiterate the obvious: read the book. If anything, Slaughterhouse-Five is a fascinating companion piece to a work that really changed literary conventions. It doesn’t manage to capture all the nuances and brilliant qualities that make Vonnegut such a compelling author to read, nor is it as funny as I was hoping it would be, but considering that this is probably an adaption most filmmakers wouldn’t even go near (especially nowadays), it does a damn fine job despite its shortcomings.
Poo-tee-tweet?
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Thanks for reading, everybody! Drinks are on me tonight!
– Aiden R.
The Last House on the Left (2009)
VERDICT:
4/10 Staycations
Could have been better if it hadn’t left such a bad taste in my mouth.
The Last House on the Left is about a husband, a wife, and their teenage daughter that head down to their lake house for the Summer. On the first day they get there, the daughter peaces out to go hang out with her friend for the day, one thing leads to another and they find themselves smokin’ doobies in a hotel room with a boy they met at a convenience store. Then the kid’s homicidal hillbilly family crashes the party like the total buzzkills they are, leading them to rape the daughter and kill her friend. One thing leads to another and the daughter makes her way back home only for her parents to realize that the drifters they took in for the night are the very people who left their daughter for dead.
Cue the killing spree.
I didn’t think the synopsis would end up being that long, but a number of things had to be mentioned because they tie into what held this movie back for me.
The first is that, for the most part, the characters here aren’t very stupid, but every now and again they do indeed make very stupid decisions that go against very common sense behavior. This is a problem everyone has with horror movies and while I hate to sound like a broken record about it, it’s not my damn fault. Yeah, teenagers do stupid shit all the time, but don’t smoke weed with strangers, and, for the love of God, don’t go back to their hotel room to do it. Give me a break.
Also, mom and dad, when you have the Manson family hanging out in your guest house, don’t go in there with a fire poker to take them all out. Bizarre weapon choice when you’ve got steak knives sitting on your counter.
But then again, this doesn’t happen a whole lot. It makes me cringe with frustration when it does, but the characters seem to wise up a bit after their initial stupidity has passed. They eventually start using their brains to break down the best way to take these mofos out, and once that starts happening, things get a lot more entertaining. Not often you see microwaves turned into murder weapons. Alright, maybe Gremlins, but that’s about it.
The acting is fine, but special mention to Tony Goldwyn (aka: the guy who played that a-hole in Ghost) as the daughter’s badass father. Haven’t seen him in much since the days when he was screwing over Swayze, but the dude doesn’t mess around. And it’s nice to see characters in horror movies that actually keep their cool when the shit hits the fan. Quite refreshing indeed.
Director Dennis Iliadis also does a solid job of making this movie look really good. It’s very well put together, looks very crisp and keeps you on edge for the most part. Pretty impressive, just wish he had better material to work with is all.
But my big complaint with The Last House on the Left is the rape scene. It’s not often I find myself fast-forwarding through sections of movies, but neither I nor my good buddy Fred had any desire to sit and watch a teenage girl get helplessly raped by two guys in the woods for what felt like ten minutes. I know this movie isn’t glorifying rape or anything like that, but it just gets to a point where the camera won’t cut away and you can’t help but think, “Give me a fucking break. Why would I want to watch this?” It’s an awful scene and it’s just far too graphic for its own good.
Now, I haven’t seen the original, and while I was pretty turned off by this remake at times, I’m still pretty interested to see Wes Craven’s take on it. Will report back on it someday. Not sure I’d recommend The Last House on the Left, but it’s not without its strengths. Had the potential to be really good, but, boy howdy, could this have used a good dose of subtlety to even out the mix.
Yikes.
Good trailer, though. Worth a watch.
And the best rapper-turned-actor is…
WILL SMITH!
Wasn’t a whole lot of competition here, but who cares, everybody give it up for The Fresh Prince! Even in this new Willennium we’re living in, few things in life ring truer than how parents just don’t understand. Amen to that.
RESULTS:
Will Smith: 11 votes
Mark Wahlberg (aka: Marky Mark): 8 votes
Snoop Dogg: 1 vote
Eminem: 0 votes (please, don’t stand up)
LL Cool J: 1 vote (at least one lady out there loves cool James)
Mos Def: 4 votes
Ice Cube: 1 votes
Queen Latifah: 8 votes (looks like we got some Last Holiday fans out there)
Other: 2 votes – one for “Tone Loc and Ice-T…obviously” (good choice) and “Shannon Burks” (I have no idea who that is, but she is still better than Eminem)
This poll has been Carlton approved.
Jerry Maguire (1996)
VERDICT:
7/10 Secret Gardens
Wasn’t a big fan of this the first time I saw it, but gave it another look this past weekend and, whaddaya know, I liked it. Good weekend.
Jerry Maguire is about a big time sports agent that experiences a change of heart about the way he does business, prompting him to write a memo to his co-workers about how agents should be closer with their clients instead of treating them like paychecks. He gets fired for the memo, loses all his clients except for one endearing, eccentric football player that’s disliked by the general public, and tries to get back on his feet thanks to the help of a single mother from his old job that he falls for.
Even though this has pretty much become the “‘Show me the money!’ movie” over the years, and that’s pretty much the reason I gave it another shot on my lazy Sunday afternoon, Jerry actually has a lot more going for it than just a laundry list of quotable lines that gradually became the bane of everyone’s existence back in ’96.
The first noteworthy mention is the script by Cameron Crowe. Sure, he’s had some duds here and there, but Crowe is the man. The guy knows how to write great characters that have great, complex relationships with one another and back it all up with great dialogue that audiences gravitate towards. Almost Famous, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Say Anything…, come on, awesome movies. Anyway, Crowe delivers and he gives his actors a lot of good material to work with.
The whole dynamic of Jerry trying to find a way to redeem his personal and professional lives ends up working because the characters feel real and there’s a lot of heart to go around. Everybody’s helping each other grow and develop through each new hurdle and it feels genuine when certain things go wrong and others go right. It’s almost hard to call this a sports movie because it’s about succeeding at life far more than it is about succeeding financially. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here, but I was pretty surprised by how human it all felt. Wasn’t expecting that.
Now, I’ve had my issues with Tom Cruise over the years, but his performance here is helping to ease my troubled mind. He’s actually really good as Jerry Maguire, you can tell he wants to see the money, you believe it when he tells you that he loves black people, and despite all the golden opportunities he has to overact, he resists the temptation for the most part and does well to come off as a normal guy instead of a pretty boy sports agent. Tom Cruise made me like Jerry Maguire, I’d sign with him any day.
And what the fuck happened to Cuba Gooding Junior? You’d think that Oscar on his mantle would be a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card from ever having to do shitty movies again. I thought Men of Honor was alright, but damn, dude, I don’t get it. But then again, he could keep on making sequels to Boat Trip for the rest of his life and he’d still be remembered for this awesome performance along with his acceptance speech/jumping frenzy at the Oscars. Cuba kicks ass as Jerry’s client, Rod Tidwell, and definitely earned all the praise he got.
This was also the breakout role for Renee Zellweger, and even though I’m not her biggest a fan, she’s quite charming as Jerry’s main squeeze and also comes off as refreshingly normal. One of the better roles of her career, right up there with Cold Mountain and Nurse Betty (good movie). And while the whole “You had me at ‘hello'” and “You complete me” stuff probably wouldn’t work in real life like it does in the movies, hearing it in context, it’s surprisingly not as corny as you might remember.
And good luck to Jonathan Lipnicki in his efforts to be remembered as anyone but this kid for the rest of life. Just accept it already, you will always be that kid.
So, yeah, I dug Jerry Maguire. It’s got something for the guys, something for ladies, good acting, and a solid script. Who knew the life of a sports agent had so much potential going for it? Well done, Mr. Crowe.
Twilight (2008)
VERDICT:
3/10 Emo Draculas
Sorry, Twihards, but I can’t believe that this is the reason people finally think vampires are cool. Blade would drop Edward’s ass like a bad habit.
Twilight is about a girl named Bella that moves to Forks, Washington – the cloudiest place on Earth – to live with her dad. She starts up at a new school, falls for the weirdo hunk in her class, then it turns out that he’s a vampire. But it’s cool, he doesn’t feed on humans, and she’s into the whole “my boyfriend’s a vampire” thing anyway. There are also these other evil vampires that are trying to kill Bella because her hair smells good, this makes Edward upset, things get complicated.
I can only assume that the novel is far superior to its movie adaptation because there is no way in hell this thing could have started such a pop culture phenomenon.
Alright, I’m just gonna go down the list of why this movie blew.
1) I’m guessing the selling point for why everyone on Earth but myself loves this story is because of the relationship between Edward and Bella. Yes, the whole vampire/human fever thing is a good idea, but it’s been done before and it’s been done better, go watch Let The Right One In. The big problem here is that everything about their illicit affair, if you can even call it that, feels totally manufactured. I can buy a human falling for a vampire, it’s the actors and the script I couldn’t believe. Which leads me to my next gripe…
2) What the hell is up with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart? All they do is stare at each other for lengthy periods of time, blink a lot, stumble over their words like they learned English from a terribly nervous Bobby Boucher, go from super emotional to utterly vapid at the drop of a hat with each new sentence, and they absolutely refuse to talk like normal teenagers. The whole thing felt like a soap opera after a while, and I hate soap operas. It’s just way too serious for its own good and by the end I could really give a shit about whether these two work out. And can someone please explain to me why Robert-freaking-Pattinson is the new Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Am I missing something? Should I stop getting haircuts? Ugh, I don’t get it.
3) Newsflash, folks! These aren’t your grandfather’s vampires we’re talking about, these are Forks, Washington vampires. Turns out, all that jibber-jabber about how vampires burn to death when they walk into sunlight is straight horseshit. This is the new millennium, dammit, and our vampires don’t do any of that crap. That’s right, our vampires…GLITTER.
…
…
…WHAT?!?
4) There’s a vampire baseball scene. It’s fucking awful.
I could go on, but I think you get the point. I did my best to keep an open mind going into this, but one can only try so hard. The script is laughable, the acting sucks, it’s poorly directed, and the special effects are a total joke (ie: speeding up the footage so it looks like everyone’s running really fast – WOW!). Considering how many other vampire movies/TV shows there are right now that are most definitely a hell of a lot better than Twilight, the only reason I’m thinking you’d see this is if you’ve just finished reading the book. Can’t knock the source material because I haven’t given it a fair shot, but, man, this movie isn’t doing it any favors.
Also, absolutely heartbroken that Radiohead lent the best song on their latest album to this soundtrack. Couldn’t believe my ears during the end credits.
Absolutely. Heartbroken.
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
VERDICT:
9/10 Headshots
Might just be the best horror movie of the past ten years. Definitely the best horror comedy of the past ten years, if not ever.
Shaun of the Dead is about a guy in England who’s a deadbeat boyfriend, has a deadbeat best friend, and is stuck in a dead-end job where he everyone treats him like shit. Then one day everyone in town starts turning into zombies, so he mans up, grabs his cricket bat (is that even what it’s called?) and his best friend, and head out to rescue his girlfriend and parents from before they become zombies too.
I was thinking about reviewing The Exorcist or The Shining for this most special day of days, but I’ve been meaning to get around to this one for a while now and isn’t this just more fun than projectile green vomit and dead guys getting it on in bear suits? Why, yes it is!
I’m really glad that this movie has become such a cult phenomenon and risen up from its initial obscurity when it was first out in theaters, these are the kinds of movie that deserve more credit than they usually get; a Cut The Crap movie if there ever was one. Then again, I can see how an American audience might not see the appeal to watching a British horror comedy starring British actors that no one knows with British accents that are sometimes far more frustrating than amusing (my thoughts exactly when I first saw the trailer for Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels way back when). But America, now that Shaun of the Dead has become a household name (at least I think it has), you have proven yourselves a people of the world. Go ahead and give yourselves a pat on the back, I am damn proud of you.
It should be no surprise that when Zombieland came out (let alone every horror comedy that has come out over the last five years), everyone immediately compared it to Shaun of the Dead. That’s because Shaun set the bar at a very high level on every front. This was the first movie that really nailed how a someone would react if the zombie apocalypse went down; yeah, it would suck, but it would also be pretty fun. Who am I kidding, I’d have a freakin’ time during the zombie apocalypse!
The script is written by Simon Pegg (Shaun) and the director, Edgar Wright, and it is freakin’ hilarious. It doesn’t stick to just one kind of humor as it blends satire and Three Stooges and fart jokes and an unreal amount of great running gags that all serve to send up the zombie sub-genre while honoring it at the same time. Outside of Monty Python, British humor doesn’t usually do it for me, but every time I see this movie I crack up at all the same parts and catch jokes I missed because I couldn’t hear them over myself the first time around.
The characters are also fantastic and really well-rounded. Unlike in a lot of zombie movies where you don’t really give a shit about who dies and who doesn’t, Shaun does a great job of making the audience sympathize with the characters when the people around them start kicking the bucket. It gets pretty heavy at times, which is a good thing, but thankfully Nick Frost is there as Shaun’s best friend, Ed, to lighten the mood. I’m all for Simon Pegg and his quick rise to fame after this movie came out, but I’m amazed that Nick Frost’s career hasn’t taken off likewise. Dude is an absolute riot, has the best lines, and deserves to be in more movies.
Bill Nighy is also in it as Shaun’s stepdad. I like Bill Nighy, even though he does seem to take any crap role that’s thrown his way. Still, he was awesome in Love Actually.
Before this thing gets too long, director Edgar Wright also deserves a big effing mention. Such an freaking great director that has such a unique eye and does a great job of making his movies feel infectious as they cut from scene to scene at a mile-a-minute. Even though he’s only done two movies, I just love watching Wright tell a story. No one does it like him, this might be the impetus I need to finally get around to watching his TV series, Spaced (also featuring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost).
Man, if you haven’t seen this movie, you don’t know what you’re missing. Even if you’re not into horror movies, Shaun of the Dead is still a painfully funny trip. And even if you don’t like comedies (lighten up, dude), Shaun of the Dead is still a totally awesome horror movie, especially for fans of the genre who can catch all the references. For those of you who don’t like horror or comedy, see it anyway, this might just be a turning point in your life.
Shaun of the Dead said all there is to say about zombies and said it perfectly. For the rest of you horror comedy writers out there, sorry to break it to ya’, but it’s all down hill from here.
Oh, and happy Halloween, everybody!
Trick ‘r Treat (2008)
VERDICT:
6/10 Lazy Costumes
Not the scariest movie out there, but a pretty entertaining find all the same.
Trick ‘r Treat is comprised of four vaguely inter-related stories that all take place in one messed up town on Halloween. The first is about a school principal that murders kids who don’t like Halloween, the second is about a group of kids that play a mean prank on the weird girl in their grade (never a good idea), the third is about a girl trying to lose her “virginity”, and the fourth is about the Halloween version of Ebenezer Scrooge that gets terrorized by that kid on the poster, the one with the bulbous sack on his head.
Not sure where I heard about this movie or that it ever came to theaters, but it seemed like an timely selection for the season. Being that it’s pretty much four separate short films that don’t really have anything to do with each other except that all the characters live near each other, I’m gonna go ahead and just give each one their own special little mini-review. Hooray!
1) The One About the Killer Principal. One of the funnier segments of the bunch, also has a pretty good ending. Features Dylan Baker (aka: that guy who’s been in everything ever) as the principal and the husky kid from Bad Santa as the kid that dies via projectile vomiting blood after eating a bad candy bar. A little over-the-top, but Baker’s actually pretty good, succeeds in making murdering kids a pretty amusing time. Forgettable in light of the other three parts, but still fun.
2) The One About the Brat Kids Pranking the Weird Girl. The eeriest story by a long shot, but also the least original. No one famous in it, a typical urban legend prank gone wrong, the kids are pretty funny because it’s funny when kids swear, and since I find urban legends to be pretty freaky to begin with (still can’t pay me to say “Bloody Mary” into a mirror) it ends up being the scariest of the bunch. Only now is it occurring to me that a lot of kids get whacked in this movie. Normally that’s a very bad thing, not so bad here for some reason. Anyway, this was a good one.
3) The One About the Girl Trying to Lose Her “Virginity”. Might not sound like much of a horror story by that description, but it’s actually the best part of the movie and has the best ending to boot. Stars Anna Paquin, plot is somewhat uninteresting for a while, but really picks up in the last five/ten minutes as it quickly turns into something completely different and completely crazy. Also features Dylan Baker, so I guess there’s the connection.
4) The One About the Scrooge Who Gets Attacked by That Freak on the Poster. A close second for the best horror segment, mainly because the crotchety old geezer is played by Brian Cox (not often that I get two review two Brian Cox movies in one week, a truly exciting time). Works for a while, somewhat intense, then the director decides to take the sack of the kid’s head and show everyone what he looks like. This bothered me, not only because he looks pretty stupid, but more because it would have been a lot scarier if he just kept the sack on and let the audience’s imagination do the work. Tisk, tisk. Still fun, though.
As a whole, Trick ‘r Treat is an enjoyable movie even if it is pretty timid. It’s pretty gory at times, the horror elements are all there, only it ends up being far funnier than it is scary; and while that usually isn’t a complaint for me, there wasn’t enough balance between humor and terror. Nonetheless, a good first effort by director Michael Dougherty that looks pretty freakin’ sharp for a movie I’d expect to find in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 
