Juno (2007)
VERDICT:
8/10 Home Skillets
It’s all about the quirky, and the quirky is awesome.
Juno is about a spunky Midwest High School teen who gets knocked up by her sorta boyfriend and instead of “taking care of it”, she decides to keep the bun in her oven, find a perfect little couple who can’t have kids of their own and give the tyke up for adoption.
So, this here is the third effort by director Jason Reitman, it’s also the third Oscar-nominated effort by Jason Reitman, and as far as batting averages are concerned, I’d say the dude’s more or less hitting dingers blindfolded at this point. I’ll wait for the day when he finally wins Best Pic/Director to truly gush over him, but, to put it briefly, this is just one more wonderful example of a guy who really knows a thing or two about getting the most out of fresh dialogue, character-driven scripts and mirroring the visual style with the tone of the story.
Yes, Reitman is no joke, but let’s not beat around the bush.
I’ve already gotten into my fair share of arguments/fist fights with nay-saying friends and drifters about Diablo Cody’s Oscar-winning debut script and, as tiring as it can get, I will continue to stand up for the gal until the pass out from the pain. Here’s the thing about the dialogue in Juno – no, no one really talks like this, that point I’ll concede. No one’s called something “wizard” when they thought it was cool since Piggy tried to speak up in Lord of the Flies and if someone told me they were “forshizz up the spout”, I’d probably respond with, “Sorry, but I can’t sell you any cocaine.” But then again, why so much hate? Folks, if more screenwriters had an ounce of the fun and originality going for them that Cody displays so gorgeously and effortlessly here, this would be a pretty one-note website, and I would be so so happy about it.
I don’t know, it just feels unfair to focus so much on the dialogue as a detractor when it ties in so heavily to how genuine, touching and flat-out enjoyable Cody’s script is as a whole. Not saying you have to like all the quirk-speak by any means, because I would probably hang up the phone if my friend answered the other line with “Yo yo yiggedy yo!”, but this is just coming from a guy who digs it very, very much in this manufactured world of quick-witted teens. After all, I don’t see anyone giving Anthony Burgess shit for inventing a language in A Clockwork Orange.
Anywho, Cody’s also fortunate enough to have a wonderful little cast to work their magic for her. And I gotta say, even though I still haven’t seen Marion Cotillard’s performance in La Vie en Rose, I was really pulling for Ellen Page to nab Best Actress. She’s been kicking ass like whoa since Hard Candy and she freakin’ nails it as Juno MacGuff (great name). Perfect casting choice, still think she should have won it, she made that character impossible to not fall in love with.
Whatever, I’m kinda done with the Oscars anyway. Keep it up, Ellen, you’re one of the best in the game right now.
Michael Cera is still doing the whole George-Michael shtick (not to be confused with the singer/songwriter), and that’s fine, Jason Bateman is still doing the whole Michael Bluth shtick, and that’s fine too, but it’s his dynamic with the surprisingly solid Jennifer Garner that ends up being the real standout quality of the duo. And, not surprisingly, J.K. Simmons and Allison Janney are great as Juno’s parents. Those two are teh bomb, they need to get their due.
Also really like the Moldy Peaches soundtrack, which is kinda strange because I’m not all that big a fan of their stuff when I hear it outside the movie. Nonetheless, I’m a total sucker for that last rendition of “Anyone Else But You” by Page and Cera. Bonus points to Reitman for making it work, I suppose.
Look, at least once a year, there’s that special movie you see in a packed theater, trusty girlfriend/boyfriend at your side, that gives you a new lease on life, makes you want want to start sending Christmas cards to strangers and makes you forget about all those abysmel movie-going experiences with the jackass parents who brought their crying baby to Rambo. In 2007, Juno was that movie and it absolutely earned all the praise, money and love it got.
It hasn’t quite had quite the same effect on me since and some of the magic is kinda gone as a result, but the first time I saw Juno in primo circumstances, it was an easy 9 and a top contender for Best of the Year. At the very least, it was hands-down the best time I had watching a movie that year, and that goes a long way.
And let me tell ya’, if it weren’t for Juno, Bristol Palin would have screwed her mom over big time. Not quite sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but it is totally true.
Casino Royale (2006)
VERDICT:
9/10 Blonde Ambitions
Now this is how you reboot a franchise.
Casino Royale is about newly appointed double-O British agent James Bond who, with the help of a saucy little Treasury agent, sets out on a rogue mission to take down a terrorist bankroller in a high-stakes game of poker before his clients get to him first and attempt a global attack.
So, James Bond was kinda suckin’ there for a while.
Back in ’95, things were looking awfully promising thanks to Goldeneye standing as one of the best in the franchise (and the video game adaptation didn’t exactly hurt matters either), but then it all went kinda sour for the next couple entries. The subsequent video games were all flimsy knock-offs, the writers pretty much stopped trying altogether, and did anyone see Die Another Day? Yeah, fuck that. I don’t care how many times Halle Berry puts on that bikini, James Bond does not hang glide/surf away from an Arctic avalance on the hood of his car. That, kids, is what you call “jumping the shark”.
Anyway, four years go by, the curmudgeonly old bastards at Hollywood finally stop ignoring the obvious and bring back Goldeneye director Martin Campbell, ditch Brosnan (even though he wasn’t all that bad to begin with), forget that they ever gave the go-ahead to cast Denise Richards as someone named “Christmas Jones” and start the whole damn thing anew. Ballsy plan of action, but, good lord, did it pay off.
But first things first, people, ’cause Daniel Craig is arguably the best guy to play Bond after Connery. I’ll make my way down the Best Bond list when I eventually get around to pulling a marathon, but all the same, the dude is a badass, simple as that. Who cares if he doesn’t have those chocolate locks, who cares if no one’s ever really heard of the guy, who cares if he’s wildly different from every vision of the character that came before him? I’m sure that we all cared before we bought our tickets, but Craig did one bang-up job of shutting us the hell up. The guy is tough as nails, the ladies cannot resist his scent and no matter what you throw his way, he will brush that dirt off his shoulder and throw it right back in your face without breaking a sweat. Awesome, just what Bond needed.
Man, this is just a well-casted movie all-around.
All the things that can be said about Craig can more or less be said about Mads Mikkelsen as Le Chiffre – the most sinister Texas Hold’em junkie this side of Chris “Jesus” Ferguson. Never heard of the guy before, and aside from the occasional bloody tear, he doesn’t even have any eccentric physical attributes like a lethal bowler cap or wildly impractical metal teeth to distinguish him as the villian of our story. But give that guy five minutes, a knotted rope and a wicker chair with the seat cut out, and he is all set. Double awesome, just what Bond needed for an enemy.
And Eva Green’s not too shabby either as our latest Bond girl, Vesper Lynd. The reason she rocks is because she’s not Pussy Galore, she’s got attitude to spare, she’s pretty but she’s not a Playmate and there’s a lot more depth to her than just being the latest gal that Bond gets to screw. Very refreshing to have a complex character like her play opposite Bond for once and actually develop a relationship with him a la On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (the oft-forgotten Bond classic).
But so much of the credit goes right back to director Martin Campbell.
Because of him, this movie is nothing short of a two-hour adrenaline rush, it really doesn’t brake for anything whatsoever. From the black-and-white intro where Bond becomes 007, to the jaw-dropping parkour chase scene through the construction site and the foreign embassy, to the airport terrorist attempt, to the kind of poker tournament that the producers at ESPN2 would sell their children into slavery for, to Bond’s torture scene that made every man in the audience cross their legs and start wearing cups to work, and finally finishing up in an epic footchase through a sinking Venice. Dude, this movie is nuts, it’s an absolute blast and I really have no idea why the producers don’t just hire this guy every single time. Why fix something when it ain’t broken? Completely escapes me.
Only complaint is that it’s a bit hard to follow the complexities of the story the first time around since it’s kinda hard to listen while Bond is charging through walls and getting defibrillated back to life, but that’s an easy enough issue to remedy on the inevitable second viewing.
Man, I vividly remember when I went to see this for the second time in theaters (an occasion that rarely happens to me anymore) with my uncle – the movie starts, the movie ends, I ask him what he thought and he responds, “One of the Top Ten greatest movies of all-time.” As much as that sounds like one hell of a hyperbole, I gotta say, it was hard to argue against his follow-up comment of, “It’s got everything I could ever want in a movie, what more could I ask.”
It’s really a shame that Quantum of Solace was such a let-down and didn’t keep up with how out of sight this movie is in any way shape or form, but whatever, I guess it’s hard to break old habits. Nevertheless, Casino Royale is a phenomenal back-to-basics, gadget-free reinvention that reminds us all how totally effing fun and cool James Bond can be. Still not quite in my Top Ten, but an easy pick for one of the best action movies of the past decade.
The Time Traveler’s Wife (2009)
You ever see a movie that just exists for the sake of existing? Yeah, this is one of those.
The Time Traveler’s Wife is about a guy and girl who fall in love, only the guy can time travel to different points in his life against his will, it makes things difficult for their relationship, but they’re in love so they work it out like the troopers they are.
I saw this one a couple weeks ago and have put off writing a review for it because, to be honest, I really didn’t care. One of those movies that seems to erase itself from your being the second it ends, an experience that I imagine is probably similar to looking at your watch, seeing it’s 1:00 PM, then having Agent J. walk in the room, flash you with his Neuralyzer, then you look down at your watch to see that it’s 3:00 and for some reason you know how The Time Traveler’s Wife ends.
No skin off my back, but still, an unfortunate way to lose two hours.
When it comes to the acting, Eric Bana‘s fine and Rachel McAdams is fine. That’s it.
The directing by Robert Schwentke, also fine. Again, that’s it.
The problem here is the script that leaves the cast with nothing to work with and somehow manages to make time travel, and everything else for that matter, boring. The dialogue is painfully ordinary, has all the flair of a conversation between mimes, and as interesting as this story should have been with the whole “Wouldn’t it be crazy to be in love and time travel at the same time?” thing going for it – not that anyone was really thinking that to begin with – it ends up missing the mark completely, leaving us with this snoozefest. Towards the end, it ends up being a little interesting in regards to serving as a kind of tame meditation on coping with loss, but I was already a goner long before that rolled around.
I was at a party last weekend where someone went off on this movie calling it “The worst movie I’ve ever seen after Taxi! (the Jimmy Fallon/Queen Latifah version that I will hopefully never see)”, and while it’s not quite that bad, I wasn’t exactly arguing with the guy either. There’s no way that the source material isn’t astronomically better, ’cause The Time Traveler’s Wife is just a completely unspectacular and entirely forgettable movie in every way. Has nothing to do with it not being my kind of movie or anything like that, it’s just not often I come across a movie so overwhelmingly average, unaffecting and generally sleep-inducing that the word “indifference” doesn’t even begin to describe the lack of emotion I felt towards anything this thing had to offer.
So, as usual, stick with the book. Something was very much lost in translation.
And the best SNL “Bad Boy” was…
CHRIS FARLEY!
…by a long shot! Suck on that, Paul Blart.
Judging by the 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, something tells me I’m never gonna get around to seeing Grown Ups, but my semi-loathing of Kevin James isn’t exactly helping either. Anyone who saw it care to share their thoughts?
You’re amongst friends here.
RESULTS:
– Adam Sandler: 5 votes
– David Spade: 1 vote
– Chris Farley: 22 votes
– Chris Rock: 6 votes (the only one who’s gotten funnier post-SNL)
– Rob Schneider: 0 votes
Man, remember the SNL glory days? Good times.
But Schneider still kinda sucks.
Blue Velvet (1986)
VERDICT:
8/10 PABST. BLUE. RIBBONS!
Strikes a nice balance between the intriguingly familiar and the unbelievably strange. Can’t say that for a whole lot of David Lynch movies.
Blue Velvet is about a true blue American teen who stumbles upon a severed human ear on his walk home from work and takes it upon himself to start playing detective while staying one step ahead of the authorities who don’t seem to know their asses from their elbows. Lo and behold, the said ear winds up getting him caught in the affairs of a horribly troubled woman whose son and husband have been kidnapped by the most psychotic sonofabitch you could ever get your family members kidnapped by. But since the kid is so damn curious, he gets far more involved than anyone in their right mind should be, quickly finds himself high up on this kidnapping lunatic’s shit list and tries to make things right before he’s the one with an ear in the bushes.
Now, this here is one interesting little monster. For anyone who’s seen a David Lynch movie outside of The Elephant Man and The Straight Story, that last sentence should be no surprise whatsoever, for those of you who haven’t, God speed. Nevertheless, the last time I used the phrase “You are not ready for this” in a review was for my write-up of Antichrist, and even after watching this for a second time, knowing full well everything that was waiting around the corner, I still don’t think I’m ready for this and I don’t know if I ever will be.
But that’s kinda what makes Blue Velvet special, and it’s definitely a big factor to what makes David Lynch special.
Lynch definitely has his own unique visual style that I’m still just rolling with rather than questioning for fear of triggering a brain aneurysm, but the way he mixes the world of white picket fence American suburbia that makes Pleasantville look like the projects with the dark, upsetting and horribly warped underworld of the town that no one ever talks about is very, very cool. It’s starts out like an adaptation of The Hardy Boys where I was half expecting the characters to start saying “Aw, gee whiz, Ma” or whip out “Well I think you’re just swell” to land that first peck on the cheek, and then before you know it, it’s like you walked into the Manson family living room and Uncle Charlie just locked the door behind ya’.
On the one hand, it works really well as a kind of behind-closed-doors insight into the goings on of a side of life that the Cleavers and Bradys never knew existed but has been there all along, and on the other, well, I guess it has to do with how flat-out bonkers it all is. It’s also makes for a very neat blend of modern and retro that I don’t see very often, like American Graffiti mixed with Pulp Fiction or something. Probably sounds a bit strange from the outside, but it absolutely works.
But who am I kidding, you can shake your head in horror and confusion at every last thing that happens in this movie and you will still walk away with two words on your mind: Frank. Booth. Maybe I just need to expand my knowledge of Dennis Hopper’s acting career, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more crazed and dementedly memorable performance from the guy as one of the most straight-up evil individuals in movie history. Right from the moment he walks on the screen and starts huffing on helium, gagging himself on gaudy fabric and making sure everyone in the room knows how much he likes the F-word, you will know that shit has gotten serious. Christ, I really can’t write a whole lot more because you gotta see Frank Booth to get Frank Booth, but trust me, Frank Booth is no fucking joke.
Strangely enough, he’s actually pretty funny, too.
And even though he looks the part, I wasn’t a huge fan of Kyle MacLachlan as our junior private eye, Jeffrey Beaumont. Can’t shake the image of him as Paul Atreides from Dune, but even if that movie didn’t blow to high heavens, he’s still a pretty stiff actor to begin with.
But big props to Isabella Rossellini for being the biggest trooper of ’86 in her role here is Dorothy Vallens. Things don’t exactly go too well for the gal, but she is totally on board the entire time and is all about getting as weird as her then-husband Lynch wanted her to be. Also features some solid performances by Laura Dern and Dean Stockwell, so that’s good.
I know there are some folks out there who consider this the best movie of the ’80s and tout it as a monumental treatise of sorts in regards to dissecting suburban America, and while it is good, I ain’t on that bandwagon. Blue Velvet is a terribly strange and uncomfortable movie, definitely one to check out by yourself or with an extremely open-minded individual who won’t write you off as a serial murderer waiting to happen after all is said and done, but it’s also one of the most unforgettable movies you’re ever likely to come across. Not the most accessible movie out there, but then again, this is David Lynch we’re talking about.
Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999)
VERDICT:
2/10 “Oh-kee Days!”
George Lucas, this is why people hate you.
The Phantom Menace is about two Jedi knights who are sent in to break up an intergalactic trade embargo and manage to uncover a plot by some ugly, lowlife alien bastards to take over the planet Naboo by force. Along the way, they also discover the presence of two Sith warriors – which is a tad surprising considering that the Sith were thought to have been wiped out ages ago – and a slave boy destined to be “The Chosen One” – the one said to bring balance to the galaxy – thanks to the mutant-like amount of midi-chlorians running through his system.
Yup, movie synopses don’t get much nerdier than that, and so begins the start of my Star Wars marathon.
So, if you don’t already know, this sucker’s pretty shitty. It wasn’t so bad at 13, but now it’s one of those movie-going experiences where you almost have to start writing everything down to keep track of all the stuff worth hating on. But as much as this review may very well turn into The Haters Ball, something tells me you already know what’s coming, but let’s start with the obvious anyway.
In all seriousness, Jar-Jar Binks is the worst thing to happen to the Star Wars universe since George Lucas had kids. A sheer abomination of a character who, amazingly enough, only gets worse as the movie goes on and stands as the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with this script and the entire second trilogy in general. I’ll just leave it at that, we all know what an easy target that faux-Jamaican dumbass is, but, boy, does he deserve it.
And the script really does suck. It is just so fucking bad. Such a juvenile and pathetic sense of humor through and through, all the dialogue blows, it does everything in its power to make the story so much more complicated than it has any right to be and it gives its cast next to nothing to work with. It isn’t so bad when it comes to setting up all the intergalactic politics in light of how things play out five movies later, but Anakin’s story SUCKS and a lot more focus should have been paid to him from the get-go.
Granted, the casting director should have been canned the second they started pushing for Jake Lloyd, but that is no excuse for this mess of a script which retains none of what made Star Wars such a phenomenon to begin with. This is why people burn books.
My friend Rybar also pointed out that during the scene where Ben, Qui-Gon and Jar-Jar take the personal submarine through the depths of Naboo, the exact same scene happens twice. A big fish comes, it almost eats them, then a bigger fish comes along and they barely escape. Two minutes later: their submarine loses power, they start it up again, a big fish comes, it almost eats them, then a bigger fish comes along and they barely escape.
How is that okay? Ugh, that shit drives me crazy.
And a couple things about Jake Lloyd. Why does it always look like he’s taking a hot, painful dump whenever he’s in the pod racer? How in the hell did he beat out every other kid in the world for this role, what was the appeal? Why did you make him say “Are you an angel?” and “I’ll try spinning. That’s a good trick!”? Why is he so young in comparison to Padme? All of these are questions that deserve answers, but that last point was an especially stupid call.
Then again, I tip my hat to Jakey for turning tail and immediately ditching the spotlight as soon as the hate mail started pouring in. Good call on that one, bucko.
But despite how horribly this movie sucks, there is a reason for that 2 out of 10 up there. Well, two reasons actually.
1) The pod racing scene, even with Ani’s explosive diarrhea, is pretty kickass. Pretty wild stuff, it’s a lot of fun to watch, it’s about the only CG scene that doesn’t look kinda dated and it’s such a welcome respite from all the garbage that came before it. The N64 game that was based off it was also the freakin’ bomb (anyone else with me on that?).
2) The final lightsaber battle with Young Ben, Qui-Gon and Darth Maul is arguably the best fight scene of the whole series. It’s nice and long, it’s got a double-sided lightsaber, there’s a lot of kicks to the face and it only gets better when it’s just down to Ben and Maul.
On top of that, Liam Neeson is pretty boss as Qui-Gon (even though he’s not the all-time best Jedi by a long shot), Darth Maul is one cool mother effer and the whole time they’re in Coruscant is the one stretch where this actually feels like a Star Wars movie. Also get a huge kick out of Sam Jackson as Mace Windu, just kept waiting for him to yell, “No, we ain’t gonna train you, bitch! Now get these motherfuckin’ snakes off this motherfuckin’ plane!” And while these factors all help to soften the blow, the only problem is that it’s so much easier to focus on the negatives in this movie because they totally overshadow everything else that works.
The last time I saw this was when Episode III came out, but it didn’t really hit me until watching again this past week how abysmal so much of this movie truly is. I do feel kinda bad giving it a 2 because it started out at a generous 4, but honestly, if this were the one released in ’77, I don’t even think we’d have the next five movies. Background cameos from Warwick Davis only go so far.
Brilliant poster though. One of the all-time greats in my humble opinion.
Winter’s Bone (2010)
VERDICT:
9/10 Backwoods Crackhoods
Folks, say hello the front-runner for Best Pic of 2010.
Winter’s Bone is about a 17-year-old girl who’s forced into being the sole provider for her two younger siblings and sick mother after her father gets sent to prison for cooking up crack. Then one day Johnny Law tells her that her dad’s out of prison, that he offered up their house as collateral for his bond money, and if he doesn’t show up for his court hearing, the state takes the house and leaves her family to live out in the woods to probably die. So our girl Ree sets out on foot to every last terrifying hillbilly she’s related to (and there’s a lot of ‘em) in the hopes to get some kind of answer as to where the hell her dad is before time runs out.
Until last week or so, I’d heard absolutely nothing about this movie, no trailers, no articles, no nothing. Then I caught wind of some utterly glowing reviews that made me feel like a jackass for being so out of the loop and finding out that it won the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance a mere four months after the fact. See, this is why some kind gent out there needs to start paying me to do this before I end up stuck in Killers for all I know. It’s just no good the way things are now.
So dry your tears if you haven’t heard of it, we all have those moments, but now that you know, get the hell out there and see this.
It’s written and directed by one Debra Granik – a woman I didn’t even know existed – and make no mistake, she is the bomb.
Being from the suburbs of New York, I can’t exactly claim to know a whole lot about living in the backwoods of the Ozarks, but apparently the sun never, ever comes out, all the trees are deader than dead and not a single resident has running water in their Shantyville showers. Granted, it is Winter, but, boy, it must totally suck to live there. But there’s a strange beauty about it, the way she embraces wide open spaces that complement the dead seriousness of the story’s tone and the way it effects the locals is ever-present and something else. This could have easily been the most grim and depressing movie setting next to the The Road, but it’s not, instead it’s authentic, fitting and mighty, mighty impressive. I like that.
Also love that Granik’s characters come off as street smart and intimidating rather than the 21st Century homicidal redneck cast of Deliverance. These folks may not have the best oral hygiene or find themselves featured on MTV Cribs any time soon, but these people – banjo parties and all – are no freakin’ joke and are shadier than you can possibly imagine.
In a nutshell, Granik has put together one seriously gritty movie and it doesn’t take long to start marveling at her keen eye for the stark and ear for the raw.
See, kids, this is how you write, this is the most refreshing damn script I’ve come across in ages. It’s such a simple plot, such a simple premise, the first half-hour is more or less comprised of our 17-year-old protagonist making home visits, and it is a thing of beauty. It’s just so uncommon to find a script anymore that feels like a throwback, where the characters don’t mince words and each sentence is packed with more meaning than most writers can get down in a fucking soliloquy, and that’s just one of the many reasons why it stands out. There is just so much power behind the dialogue and silence that even the scrawniest of individuals feel like they could feed you to the hogs without batting an eye, and even though I don’t know why Garnik is one of the minorities who can actually pull this off, she does so with ease and I’m applaud her for it.
But the real driving force behind it all is newcomer Jennifer Lawrence as our protagonist, Ree. I don’t know where this girl came from, but if she doesn’t get nominated for an Oscar this year, I will be pissed, I will be livid, I will boycott those damn awards and go to bed at a reasonable hour for once. An incredibly well-written character to begin with, Lawrence has more inherent maturity, gravitas and steadfast confidence going for her than most actors who have been in the game since she was born. I’ve never come across a girl like Ree before – which is unfortunate – and she is in all honesty right up there with Sarah Connor as one of the great badass movie heroines.
There’s also a great performance by John Hawkes as Ree’s uncle, Teardrop. Only seen him before in Deadwood, Eastbound and Down and You, Me and Everyone We Know, but the guy made quite an impression and it’s about time he landed a kickass role like this. Really good actor, really good character, and it’s about damn time people started recognizing him.
Man, I haven’t gushed over a recent movie like this in a while. I don’t know how many theaters out there are playing this at the moment, but after drudging through six long months of effing horrendous offerings from Hollywood, it is so damn good to remember what it’s like to go to a movie, love the said movie and not feel robbed of 12 hard-earned dollars. Winter’s Bone might not be your thing if you’re itching to make some feel-good memories, but it was right up my alley and I really hope it takes off. But even if it doesn’t, seek it out. The pickin’s are awful slim, gang.
Legally Blonde (2001)
VERDICT:
7/10 Bend and Snaps
Surprisingly funny and terribly sweet.
Legally Blonde is about an extremely ditzy, yet incredibly bright college grad who manages to get accepted into Harvard Law and is placed on a big time case with an A-hole senior lawyer to prove that a fitness guru is innocent of murdering her husband while she was supposedly having an affair with the pool boy.
It had probably been a good eight years or so since I first saw this with my mom at 14 (yup, that was a killer social life I had, but my mom totally rocks) and even though I remember enjoying it at the time, I wasn’t exactly stopping the presses at my all-boys High School about how they all needed hit up Blockbuster asap. Anyway, finally sat down and watched it again last weekend after channel surfing past it a good 80 times over the past decade and, strangely enough, was immediately hooked to the point where I got more “Are you serious?” stares from my girlfriend than the time I spent a Saturday morning laughing my ass off to the Freaky Friday remake on Disney.
I really have no grasp whatsoever on the kinds of movies I like.
But this one’s all about Reese Witherspoon, and, man, I am so back and forth about her. The girl’s got spunk and charisma to spare and I freakin’ loved her in Election, but while I usually like her in the moment, her performances don’t tend to stick with me after the fact. Don’t know why that is, one of history’s mysteries I suppose, but nevertheless, she’s kind of awesome here as Elle Woods.
Like I said, the gal’s spunky and charismatic like no other, but the cool thing about Elle is that she’s not stupid; definitely a space cadet at times, but not stupid. She’s more endearing and fun than anything else and it makes her character unique instead of turning her into an easy stereotype. I can’t think of a whole lot of movies where the dumb blonde isn’t just that, and that’s a big reason why Legally Blonde works as well as it does instead of feeling like White Chicks or something.
It’s a script that works to its strengths and some of the court scenes are really damn funny because they’re all catered to Elle’s expertise in everything that lawyers apparently don’t give a rats ass about, like the science of perms and every gay guy’s weakness for designer clothes. Could have been stupid, ends up being a total rip.
Also features a very funny performance from Stifler’s mom. Good stuff.
But the one issue that made me shake my head and laugh for all the wrong reasons is the way everything wraps up absolutely perfect in the end. Trust me, that didn’t spoil a thing for ya’. I know that’s just the kind of movie this is and it’s not like I didn’t see it coming from a mile away, it’s just that the whole “How can we keep one-upping ourselves so that Elle Woods can have the greatest life evern in a two-minute time span without giving her a Nobel Peace Prize?” was a bit too much is all. Not like I’m wishing for a car crash or anything, but “excessive” is the word.
No idea why Luke Wilson is in this either as Elle’s romantic interest. Dumb haircut, cardboard performance, and for a guy I usually like, he was awfully miscast.
Legally Blonde is enjoyable, semi-campy fun with a nice, simple message and while it’s not the funniest thing I’ve seen in recent memory, it’s a lot better than I remember it being and it had me chuckling quite a bit. Predictable? Sure. Cookie-cutter? Oh, hell yeah, son. But who cares? I sure don’t. Another Saturday morning well-spent if you ask me.
Billy Madison (1995)
Barely edges out Happy Gilmore as Sandler’s best contribution to society since “The Chanukkah Song”.
Billy Madison is about a twenty-something man child who has to graduate from first through twelfth grade in one-week intervals in order to take over his father’s wealthy company before a real weaselly scumbag businessman beats him to the punch. Along the way he falls for his third grade teacher who initially hates him, but then he pretends to wet himself and she can no longer resist him.
Yeah, this is a really freakin’ stupid movie, but just go with it.
Ya’ see, kiddies, long before Click, Zohan, Chuck & Larry, The Longest Yard, 50 First Dates, Eight Crazy Nights, Mr. Deeds and Little Nicky, there was good old Billy Madison, and oh how sweet it was. It was the year 1995, it was a funnier time, it was the days when people used to actually watch Saturday Night Live instead of relying on Betty White and Lazy Sundays to balance out the crickets, and it was the first time a youngin’ from New Hampshire named Adam Sandler made his big time movie debut (not counting Mixed Nuts).
And as if it even warrants mentioning, Sandler did alright for himself from that point on, and for good reason, too.
With the exception of all his gibberish talk at the beginning and the whole “Do you have any more gum?” line when everyone breaks into song, Sandler makes people laugh because he not only plays a damn good idiot, but he knows how to write like an idiot, and I mean that in the best way possible. Along with SNL co-writer Tim Herlihy, the funniest gags and situations can more or less be broken down to the “random” category, and since I can be a huge fan of random when it’s closer to Monty Python and further from Family Guy, I thoroughly enjoy what this movie has to offer.
Whether it’s Chris Farley and Norm MacDonald stealing and eating thirty kids’ lunches, Bradley Whitford being engulfed in flames during a pie cooking competition (only to show up magically unscathed in the next scene) or how James Downey keeps on talking about his tramp of a wife in the middle of an academic decathlon, it’s all hilarious and there’s a lot of it to go around.
Apparently it doesn’t hurt to write a script while both high and drunk.
Look, there isn’t really a whole lot to analyze with Billy Madison, because it’s kinda hard to convey the humor that goes along with old women saying that they’re cooler than Miles Davis because they piss their pants, but if that right there just made you chuckle, there you go, you’re on the level. But there’s also a great Steve Buscemi cameo, but he’s arguably the strangest aspect of the whole movie.
Billy Madison is unbelievably juvenile and it might not be your thing if you don’t find 69 jokes funny anymore, but it always cracks me up, I still quote it far more than I probably should and it’s one of the best and most bittersweet reminders of how funny Sandler can be. I have gone through the occasional phase where this has just been too dumb for me to handle, but I really don’t know what I was thinking, I’m all better now.
What can I say, I grew up on it and so did all my friends. We’re a silly lot.
Does help to watch with alcohol though.
“That’ll end your PRECIOUS field trip pretty damn quick!” So good.
Oh, you guys…
So I know this is delayed, and it’ll be brief ’cause I suck at these things, but last Thursday I found out that my peers over at The LAMB awarded me with the Best Movie Review LAMMY along with noms for Best New LAMB, Best Blog Name and Funniest Writer for all my ranting and swearing over here at Cut The Crap and I just wanted to say thanks. Thank you not only to everyone who voted for me – you’re all in the will, I’m a man of my word – but to everyone who continues to visit, comment and indulge this little project of mine. There are days where the last effing thing I want to do is spend an hour writing a review on The Time Traveler’s Wife (which I’ll unfortunately have to get around to one of these days), but it’s times like these and folks like you that keep it fun and keep me going, so, really, thanks a million. And major congrats to all the other winners and nominees, it continues to be an absolute blast following your work and being a part of this interweb community of movie geekery has truly been something else.
Thanks to everyone who bought me congratulatory drinks this past weekend, too. Those were delicious.
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 
_%7B81E46C3E-0657-473E-8012-E9D415379A76%7D.jpg){kind=link}
