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Troll 2 (1990)

February 24, 2011

VERDICT:
0/10 Double-Decker Bologna Sandwiches

As totally awesome as it is totally awful.

Troll 2 is about a happy family that decides they need to go on vacation, and since every other spot on the planet was apparently booked up, they head off to the pleasant town of Nilbog. Long before they arrive, the youngest son starts talking to the ghost of his dead grandpa who continually warns him about the dangers of goblins and the evil tricks they use to turn unsuspecting people into plants, but every time the kid opens his mouth to relay his pappy’s warnings, everyone just thinks he’s just crazy and depressed. So they head off to Nilbog, the ex-grandpa starts going nuts with the warning signs to get his ex-family to turn around, but no one listens and they soon find themselves stranded in a veritable orgy of goblin treachery.

You may be wondering why I keep calling them goblins instead of trolls considering the movie’s title and all, but since absolutely no one in the movie ever refers to these vegetarian man-eaters as trolls either, that’s just the way it’s gonna be. Such is one of the many mysteries of Troll 2, such is one of the many reasons why it deserves a 10 just as much as it deserves a zero.

So after having a total blast with my introduction to Battlefield Earth last week and coming to the realization that I’ve been cheating myself all these years by sticking to movies that aren’t complete shit, it took me all of thirty seconds for me to find this on Netflix Instant and keep the streak alive. I didn’t think it could get any worse than Travolta and his man-animals, but amazingly enough, this here is on a whole ‘nother level. It’s the synth-fueled soundtrack that sounds like a two track compilation from Sonic the Hedgehog: The B-Sides on repeat, it’s those cheap-ass goblin masks, it’s the way each new victim ends up getting turned to green jello for some reason, it’s the acting, it’s the dialogue, it’s the plot, it’s the whole freakin’ package that all comes together to make this masterpiece that can only be described as The Best Worst Movie of All-Time.

This is one of those rare things that I can’t quite wrap my head around because I can’t quite believe it exists. It is so effing bad on so many levels from the very first scene to the very last, it continually one-ups itself in the idiocy department until all we’re left with is a nine-year-old boy warding off a goblin horde with deli meats, and to go down the list of everything that’s made this movie so infamous over the years would not only make zero sense out of context, but it would only be doing you a disservice. You simply have to see it to believe it.

God, I really don’t have much else to say about this movie because, really, what is there to say about a perfectly bad movie? I’m still going back and forth as to whether or not this was actually intended to be a piece of crap or if absolutely no one got the memo and this is what they were left with, but whatever it is, I’m crazy about it.

The only other time I’ve ever had this much fun watching a truly shitty movie was with The Room, and that may very well be the best time I’ve ever had going to the movies, period. I feel bad giving Troll 2 the lowest verdict possible since the day I get to see this in a packed theater at midnight is a day I am very much looking forward to, but since the only reason it’s so great is simply because it’s so abysmal, it wouldn’t be fair to shortchange it with a 1.

Absolutely gotta see it and I can’t wait to see it again.

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21 Comments leave one →
  1. February 24, 2011 12:58 am

    This movie was so bad it was actually somewhat funny at first… but then it’s just terrible. I actually felt a physical response to how atrocious this was because I had to take a freaking nap midway through the movie. It felt like a 4 hour movie even though it’s actually 100 minutes.

    • February 24, 2011 9:20 am

      Hahahaha. It did feel long, but the unintentional humor was there for me from beginning to end. Can totally understand it wearing thin though after a while.

  2. February 24, 2011 1:43 am

    OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • February 24, 2011 1:43 am

      That was such a terrible movie. At least The Room was funny, this was just utter crap.

      • February 24, 2011 9:20 am

        Hahaha. I don’t know, man. Those are two pretty hilarious movies.

    • February 24, 2011 9:22 am

      Hahaha. Still the best part of that highlight reel.

  3. February 24, 2011 7:58 am

    It must be touch watching all these crap films, Aiden. Give yourself a break…go watch Titanic!

    • February 24, 2011 9:22 am

      Haha. I don’t know if I have it out for myself *that* much.

  4. Ryan permalink
    February 24, 2011 8:41 am

    So is there a Troll 1?

    • February 24, 2011 9:22 am

      Yeah, apparently it has absolutely no connection to this movie. Go figure.

      • Moose permalink
        February 24, 2011 9:33 am

        I heard Troll 1 was a minor success, so they just took this movie and called it Troll 2, even though it’s not related at all, and the enemies are goblins instead of trolls. Can’t wait to see this, now that I know it’s on Netflix Instant, I’ve heard a lot of bad/good things about it.

      • February 24, 2011 9:36 am

        Yeah, that’s what I heard too. So weird. Give it a shot, man. Think this one is right up your alley.

  5. nothatwasacompliment permalink
    February 24, 2011 11:54 am

    Now you can watch Best Worst Movie and you’ll start to understand why Troll 2 turned out so poorly. It’s partly because the writers and director didn’t speak english very well, partly due to the low budget, and also partly due to the fact that the actors were all novices and/or mentally disturbed.

    • February 24, 2011 11:56 am

      Hahahahaha. I really can’t wait to see it. What a perfect storm that set must have been.

  6. Max permalink
    February 24, 2011 2:09 pm

    haha Awesome! …’cept not.

  7. February 24, 2011 5:44 pm

    Man, I really need to see this film. I keep reading stuff on how awful both Troll 2 and The Room are. I might have to do a double bill of both films one day.

    • February 25, 2011 2:42 pm

      Hell. Yes.

      Double bills don’t get much better than that, dude. DO IIIIT!

  8. February 26, 2011 3:22 pm

    Words cannot express how freakin’ awesome this movie is! You really gotta watch Best Worst Movie now, it is the perfect complement to Troll 2. I have been meaning to review that myself… Kudos to the kid for checking up with everyone in the movie 20 years later. Really, really entertaining.

    • February 28, 2011 1:49 pm

      Hahaha. I will, I will, I will. Was itching to see it from the moment I started this movie up. Great subject for a doc if there ever was one.

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