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The First Annual Crappy Awards

January 16, 2011

That’s right, folks. It’s The Crappies. Might need to work out the kinks on that name, but since The Golden Globes don’t look to be on their A-game this year, figured this would be as good a way as any to hand out some well-earned superlatives and highlight all the ups and downs of this past year in movies that won’t be covered in my Oscar predictions. So without further ado, I give you this year’s esteemed winners:


Breakout Actor of the Year:
TOM HARDY
There were some good ones this year thanks to the likes of Andrew Garfield, Armie Hammer and John Hawkes, but Hardy stole the spotlight right out from under JGL and Leo, he was unreal in Bronson, and he will be an effing awesome Mad Max. What a badass.


Breakout Actress of the Year:
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Yeah, Emma Stone was the peach of the year in Easy A, Hailee Steinfeld held her own like a boss in True Grit and Chloe Moretz had two winning roles going for her in Kick-Ass and Let Me In, but if Natalie Portman didn’t have that Oscar in the bag this year, my vote would go to Lawrence for her turn in Winter’s Bone. No idea where this girl came from, but she is no joke and has the chops of a veteran twice her age. Keepin’ an eye out.


Hardest-Working Actor the Year:

MATT DAMON
Is it just me or did it seem like he was in a good 40 movies this year?


Best Line:
MARK ZUCKERBERG: “Winkelvii.”
It was either that or the “I’m six-five, 220 pounds, and there are two of me,” line, but the plural thing was just too damn good.


Worst Line:
ALICE, right before taking out the Jabberwocky: “Off with YOUR head!”
Awful. Just fucking awful.

Best Comedy:
I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS
Great to have you back, Jim. Keep it up.


Best Horror Movie:
THE CRAZIES
Also happens to be the only horror movie I saw all year, but it was a pretty damn good one at that.

Best Visuals:
TRON: LEGACY
Goo-goo, ga-ga.

Worst Visuals:
RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE
As gimmicky as they come. Still can’t believe I actually saw this.


Best Character:
SCOTT PILGRIM
So epic.


Worst Character:
GREENBERG
Originally went with The Red Queen from Alice, but then I suddenly remembered this guy and it occurred to me that I completely overlooked the definitive whiny bitch of 2010. What a douche.

Favorite Scene:
Ryan Gosling serenading Michelle Williams on the ukelele while she tap-dances along in Blue Valentine.


Biggest “WOW” Moment:
The rotating hallway fight scene in Inception.


Biggest “WTF” Moment:
Casey Affleck introducing his fists to Jessica Alba’s face in The Killer Inside Me. Did not see that one coming, kind of amazed that no one walked out.


Best Moviegoing Experience:
THE ROOM
Don’t see it by yourself, see it in a packed theater at midnight, it will change your life.  And bring spoons.


Worst Moviegoing Experience:
BURIED
Well, it’s actually more of a double-edged sword. Chatty woman a couple rows back wouldn’t shut the eff up, pretty sure the movie was ruined for me as a result, but I did get to tell her off at the end, and that was a major high point of the year. Booyah.

Best Celebrity Sighting:
MIKE STARR
Walked right past William Hurt, saw John Larroquette at a concession stand, was on the same subway car as Kal Penn, but running into The Gas Man and mustering up the courage to tell him that he was great in Dumb & Dumber quickly turned into one of my favorite stories of the year. Dude could not have been nicer, seemed to make his day as much as it made mine. Awesome.


Most Emasculating Moviegoing Experience:
TOY STORY 3
Thank God for the cover of those 3D glasses, because those tears were a-flowin’.


Biggest Disappointment:
IRON MAN 2
Just one big infomercial for The Avengers. Boooooooo.


Biggest Surprise:
EASY A
The best teen comedy I’ve seen in ages, the trailers did not do this baby justice.

Best Trailer:
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
And in related news, the sky is blue.


Best Movie That Absolutely No One Saw:
MUGABE AND THE WHITE AFRICAN
Already gave it an Honorable Mention in my Top Ten, but this really is one of 2010’s best docs in a year filled to the brim with winners. Hit up that Netflix Instant, yo.


Worst Movie of the Year:
ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Saw it with three friends, I was the only one who stayed awake, I should have followed suit. Just stunning how bad it was.

Well, that’s it for this year, folks. Congrats to all the winners, sorry for all the Alice have that I’ve finally gotten out of my system, and thanks for tuning in!

Golden Crappies all around!

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33 Comments leave one →
  1. January 16, 2011 12:47 am

    Excellent list! I approve of the crappy awards. Not that you need it.

    Although biggest WTF moment should be from The Killer Inside Me, but I was much, much more shocked when Affleck beat Kate Hudson so hard she wet herself. Can’t get that shit out of my head!

    • January 18, 2011 1:45 pm

      Thanks, man! Yeah, that was awful, but I think just the added surprise of the Alba scene was what did it for me. And that went on WAY longer, too.

  2. January 16, 2011 12:48 am

    Quit picking on Alice in Wonderland!! Even if you didn’t like it, you missed out on the really terrible stuff like Takers, The Last Airbender, Legion and Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Well, you didn’t actually miss out of them.

    Agree with your biggest surprise and biggest disapointment. I knew the potential for Iron Man 2 to be good was minimal after I saw the trailer, but I held out for hope anyway. And Easy A caught me out of nowhere.

    And speaking of out of nowhere, Jennifer Lawrence, where did she come from? Look forward to seeing her alongside my man James McAvoy in X-Men: First Class.

    You need to see more horror films. Although, to be honest, there was maybe one or two horror flicks better than The Crazies. I guess you can just stick to the classics for now.

    • January 18, 2011 1:46 pm

      Hahaha. I’m done with Alice, I swear, and I’m sure I would have gone for any of those other four if I’d actually seen them. But Alice was pretty damn bad…

      And I had no idea Lawrence and McAvoy were gonna be in First Class. Here’s to hoping it doesn’t blow.

      And I agree, I do need to see more horror movies. I love horror movies, I have no excuse for dropping the ball.

  3. January 16, 2011 3:17 am

    I agree with everything you said about Alice In Wonderland – what a disappointment. Glad to see you agree with me on that hallway fight in Inception, which truly is among the most jaw-on-the-floor moment I saw in ’10.

    Re: Tom Hardy, you’d never pick him as such a badass after his truly dreadful turn in Star Trek Nemesis (badly overacted, if you ask me), and I am so glad he’s finally getting roles suited to his ability.

    Could I perhaps mention some other Crappies?

    Best Director From Nowhere – Ben Affleck for the Town
    Best Score – Hans Zimmer for either Inception or Despicable Me (with a bias towards Inception…)

    • January 18, 2011 1:53 pm

      Glad you agree on both the awesomeness of Inception and the awfullness of Alice. You know what’s up.

      And while I remember seeing Nemesis back when it was first in theaters, I don’t quite remember Hardy’s performance. But I’ll take your word for it since I will most likely never be seeing that movie again.

      And I was thinking about a Breakout Director Crappy but ditched it for some reason. Good call though. I’ll get to the score when the Oscars come around though, don’t you worry.

      But Trent Reznor’s totally gonna win it.

  4. January 16, 2011 12:52 pm

    Great List! I have to agree all around basically even though there still are some that I need to see, but other than that great job!

  5. January 16, 2011 1:05 pm

    Great list. This reminds me that I need to get around to seeing The Killer Inside Me.

    Can’t really argue against most of these. And a good variety mixed in as well, not just picking and choosing from the same seven or so movies that most reviews end up doing.

    • January 18, 2011 1:54 pm

      Thanks! Yeah, there was a good mix of stuff this year even if it took a while for it all to come out. And get ready for The Killer Inside Me – truly insano shit.

  6. January 16, 2011 1:18 pm

    Yes on Best Line. And Biggest “WOW” Moment.

  7. January 16, 2011 1:24 pm

    I’ll agree with Tom Hardy and Jennifer Lawrence as the breakout stars. Jennifer Lawrence gave my favorite performance this year.

    I’d argure that Leo DiCaprio is hardest working, carrying two giant blockbusters (Inception and Shutter Island).

    I’m so happy that you hated Alice in Wonderland as much as I did. Worst line, worst character, I couldn’t agree more.

    Great awards! I’m going to post a link to this page on my site.

  8. January 16, 2011 2:46 pm

    Rather disappointed in the hate for Alice… seems like people down here did like it. I really did like it.

    • January 18, 2011 1:55 pm

      Wish I could have let up on it, but it was a major buzzkill. Won’t knock you for liking it though, just different strokes for different folks is all.

  9. January 17, 2011 12:13 am

    Yes. Okay.

  10. January 17, 2011 9:31 am

    great inaugural Crappies! Mike Starr! legend! yeah, i hated alice in wonderland too

  11. January 17, 2011 2:34 pm

    Digging the Crappies.

  12. January 17, 2011 2:47 pm

    Cool list. Nice to see The Room listed — definitely my favorite movie-going experience of the year as well!

  13. January 17, 2011 5:08 pm

    Clearly you saw better movies than the guys at HFPA. Totally agree with Hardy and the rotating hallway scene in Inception. Good thing I haven’t seen Alice, no interest in it anyway.

    • January 18, 2011 2:00 pm

      Hahaha. Thanks! And continue to stay away from Alice, you’ll never get that time back.

  14. January 17, 2011 5:37 pm

    Gosh, that Blue Valentine scene was a damn heartbreaker. So ironic.

    • January 18, 2011 2:01 pm

      It totally was. Transitioning from that to them eating takeout in The Future Room was the ultimate high-to-low contrast. Still, that was some scene.

  15. January 17, 2011 5:53 pm

    Isn’t Helena Bonham Carter annoying like… everywhere?

  16. January 19, 2011 11:23 am

    Yes – keep getting those digs in on Alice In Wonderland – it was up there with Burton’s worst films. Yes, I’d rank alongside the down and dirty Planet of the Apes remake. Ergh!

    • January 19, 2011 11:37 am

      Man, I wouldn’t argue with you on that one. Apes was awful, but so was Alice. Can’t win ’em all, Tim.

  17. HermioneO permalink
    January 21, 2011 1:37 pm

    I honestly don’t understand the hate-on for Alice. I thought it was good (not great) and I really liked Helena – I wanted to punch her in the face and I feel that’s what I should have felt. And I agree that there’s nothing like a warm pig for your feet. Yards better than their god-awful remake of WW and the Chocolate Factory. Maybe they would have done better with WW and the Dixie Dance Kings.

    I was surprised at how many of your film selections I haven’t seen, but thumbs up on the accuracy of your ratings for the Crazies, Resident Evil, Scott Pilgrim, and especially Easy A. That was supposed to be one of my guilty secrets for the year (yeah yeah, stupid little chick flick) but it turned out to be one for bragging rights.

    Through the blessings of the wondrous Netflix I shall eventually see the rest.

  18. January 25, 2011 3:18 pm

    It wouldn’t be possible for me to agree with you much more, save for the few flicks I didn’t see (like, say, Mugabe, Phil Morris). Just tremendous work, Aiden.

    …though the “6’5″, 220” line was way better. Ok, not way better, but better.

    You gotta get over the video game movies fix….don’t know why you torture yourself with shit like Resident Evil 18. Just askin’ for it there…

    Academy Award nom Bill Hurt <<< Mike Starr. Love it!

    • January 25, 2011 3:23 pm

      Haha. Thanks, man.

      Had to see Res Evil for that video review gig I had, never would have seen it otherwise. Still, pretty amazing that Alice in Wonderland still ended up being the worst movie of 2010.

      Also forgot that Steve-O ran by me in Times Square and I think there’s one more I’m still forgetting. Eh, whatever, it was no Mike Starr.

      And def see Mugabe and Phillip Morris. Those were out of sight.

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