The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

VERDICT:
3/10 Porta Bodies

See it to say you saw it.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is about two chicks vacationing in Europe who head out for a night on the town, get a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, wander deep into the woods to look for help and wind up at the doorstep of a German surgeon who specializes in separating Siamese twins/doing weird-ass shit to Rottweilers. Anyway, they get roofied, tied down to an operating table with a Japanese guy, and wake up with their mouths sewed to each others bums and such. Then they fetch newspapers for a while.

Good times.

So if there’s one thing that kept this baby from getting a final verdict of 2, it’s that this sure does have one inspired car crash of a premise. I remember when I first heard about this movie some time last Spring, it took all of two seconds for me to think, “No way is that shit coming to America.” But color me shocked, color me somewhat impressed by the strange fascination us Yanks have with torture porn, because while this movie may be royally disappointing for the most part, at least it’s got one effing crazy gimmick to work with.

It’s the one topic that a lot of my conversations circle back to these days and it’s one of the rare times where I actually got kind of excited when I finally saw it appear on Netflix Instant. And how could you not have the “I Survived The Human Centipede” conversation? How could you not be at least a little bit interested to check this out? The only problem is that once I finally did, it immediately occurred to me that writer/director/probable snuff film advocate Tom Six just had himself a good idea and not a whole lot else.

The problem’s not that it’s too gross or that it upset me to the point where all its strengths were rendered null and void, it’s just that it’s a shitty horror movie that continually nails every pitfall that every shitty horror movie always falls into.

Why do these girls wander miles away from civilization, completely ditch the man-made roads and head into the fuckin’ forest to find help? Why do they drink whatever this modern-day Dr. Mengele is offering them without assuming that they’re probably gonna get roofied? Why does one of the girls wait until the last possible second to make an escape attempt before going under the knife? Why does the head centipede pass up two golden opportunities to finish off his captor, instead opting to randomly turn the tables on himself? And why do cops always split up when they search a house like the freakin’ idiots they are?

Serenity now, man. We’re in the 21st Century now, horror cliches aren’t exactly news. Guess that’s what happens when you let a guy named Tom Six make a movie.

Also pretty astonished that people actually volunteered to be in this movie. Simply can’t wrap my head around these lovely ladies telling their moms about their breakthrough role, inviting the whole gang to the premiere, and then having to sit there as the women who brought them into the world watch them eat poop and scream into buttholes with a German guy riding on their backs. I know, it’s just a movie, but the idea of someone reading this script and going, “Tom Six, you’ve got yourself a mid-section!” just isn’t processing. And with the exception of Dieter Laser who pulls off his role as wacky Dr. Heiter because his neanderthal bone structure and baritone pipes seem to imply that he’s nothing short of Smeagol’s and Buffalo Bill’s bastard love child, the acting ain’t too memorable either. Definitely not a movie worth showing your boobs for.

Well, the bite-size review for The Human Centipede could easily be “The cinematic equivalent of 2 Girls, 1 Cup”, but I guess the biggest problem is that this is 20 times longer than it should be. Once the operation is over and done, the plot goes nowhere and there’s still an hour left. It’s not scary and since all the gory visuals are hidden behind oodles of gauze, it’s actually pretty tame considering. Yeah, it doesn’t need to show much to get the desired reaction, but for such totally extreme shit, I’m thinking it might have helped to have gone gung-ho instead of leaving it up to the imagination for once. Not sure I’ve ever had that complaint, but suggestive blood doesn’t quite drive it home. Still, pretty nutty stuff. And that whole “100% Medically Accurate” tagline on the poster is priceless.

But I have absolutely no idea how there are apparently two sequels being made from this. Absolutely no idea what else there is to say or do outside of stitching together more dumbass drifters until we’re at The Human Centipede (Conga Line Sequence). But who am I kidding, I’d probably see that.