Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

VERDICT:
5/10 Whomping Willows

Worked a lot better as a novel.

Harry Potter and Chamber of Secrets picks up during HP’s sophomore year at good ol’ Hogwarts. This time around, a magic elf in a potato sack is trying to keep him out of school in order to save his life from unnamed dangers, Ron breaks his wand like an idiot, the Malfoys are bigger dicks than ever, kids are getting petrified left and right and everyone thinks Harry’s behind it because he can talk to snakes, and something tells me that sonofabitch Voldemort is somehow tied into it all. Just a hunch.

So it’s not quite the identical book-to-film adaptation that Sorcerer’s Stone was, and while I initially considered that a pro and con in equal parts, it’s a lot easier to appreciate someone sticking to a winning formula when stuff starts to get left out and unnecessary additions get put in. If you haven’t read the books, you won’t notice and you won’t care, you’re probably better off for it actually, and even though a lot of my gripes might be on the nitpicky side, something about this story really got lost in translation.

The weird thing is, the biggest eye-rollers here are the ones that haven’t been altered from Rowling’s source material. Maybe it’s just ’cause she’s a damn good writer or maybe I was too caught up daydreaming about how awesome it would be to use memory charms like I was in the MiB, but they weren’t eye-rollers when I was reading through them. Acted out, it’s a whole other story. No idea how I so easily brushed it off before, but there are just way too many deus ex machina/right-in-the-nick-of-time moments going on here to ignore. Whether it’s an enchanted Rent-A-Wreck that barrels out of the forest and saves our mop-topped heroes from a spidery death or a freakin’ phoenix (whose powers are merely whispered in passing) that drops by with the one super rare weapon/super rare cure that Harry needs to avoid a venomy death, it all feels quite convenient.

I don’t know. When I first tried getting through the series, I tore through the first book, couldn’t wait to read this one, and then gave up on it about 100 pages in. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realize my mistake, but by page 99, the magic was gone, I wasn’t sucked in and it just felt like another year back at school instead of “HARRY-FUCKING-POTTER, DESTROYER OF WORLDS, IS A-GOIN’ BACK TO HOGWARTS AND NOTHING’S GONNA GET IN HIS WAY! HUZZAH!” And while this adaptation doesn’t really carry that same back-to-school blues vibe as much, I wasn’t smiling anywhere near as much as I was in Sorcerer’s Stone. The story serves its purpose, we’re introduced to a couple key items that come into play down the line, we learn more about Voldy and the whole “wizard bigotry” issue gets addressed, but all in all, it’s not quite as memorable as those before and after it.

There’s also just too damn much going on at once here. Major characters and old favorites are introduced to us one minute, they throw their weight around, and then disappear for an hour only to return to the forefront at some critical point in the story. For the painfully annoying characters like Dobby the house elf, that high-pitched pain in the ass Moaning Myrtle (so damn annoying), and that smug bastard Draco, the hour-long break is clutch, but since it also means less screen-time for Kenneth Branagh as Gilderoy Lockhart, it kinda sucks. Totally forgot that Branagh was even in this, nor can I believe how they managed to rope him into doing this outside of convincing him that “It’s like King Lear…but with muggles,” but he’s awesome as Lockhart. Never thought much of Lockhart in the books since he also falls into the “smug bastard” category, but Branagh’s just perfect and he hams it up like a pro. Definitely a winning change of scenery.

And everyone from the last movie is here too (except for that asshole Quirrell), and not a lot has changed on that front aside from all the cracking voices. Emma Watson’s good as Hermione, Rupert Grint is fine as Ron, and Daniel Radcliffe’s Joker smile gets weirder with each Summer as Harry. Could have used more Snape, especially since Lucius Malfoy comes off as poor man’s bleached version of the guy, but Snape’ll get his spotlight in due time.

But aside from all this bitching and moaning, it’s still a good story. Having finally read through it, Chamber of Secrets ain’t bad in the least, but it’s also at the bottom of the barrel in comparison to the other six. The actual Chamber of Secrets itself is cool, it’s just fun to revisit everything, and up until the last half-hour, this was at a 6 or a 7. Alas, that final Act was pretty weak and I don’t know what Chris Columbus thought he was doing getting all melodramatic on us.

And maybe I’m just forgetting, but does the book actually end with everyone hugging Hagrid and giving him this epic standing O in the great hall? I don’t think it does, but either way, that was a stupid-ass way to end the movie. What the hell did Hagrid do but avoid getting his salad tossed in Azkaban for a night? Damn, Sirius Black better get a fucking parade in this next movie.

Too damn long, too. 2 hours and 44 minutes of wizards hitting puberty is no way to start your morning.