My Bloody Valentine (2009)

VERDICT:
4/10 Irrelevant Holidays

Probably should have seen this one in the theaters when it was actually in 3-D, but still, special glasses can only help so much.

My Bloody Valentine is the story of Harry Ward, a coal miner that gets trapped in a mine on Valentine’s Day because the boss’ son’s a jackass, who for some reason decides to goes on a killing spree with a pickaxe while he’s down there until he finally gets rescued. So he gets out of the mine alive, slips into a coma, wakes up a year later, goes on another killing spree and is presumably shot dead by the town sheriff. Fast forward ten years, the boss’ son rolls back into town to sell off his father’s coal mine after conveniently disappearing for a decade, he tries to win back the girl of his dreams, and it turns out that Harry is also back in town killin’ folk like gangbusters.

Weird, huh?

With the exception of this whole calling card thing of Harry’s where he chips out his victim’s heart and puts it inside one of those heart-shaped boxes that usually have chocolate inside – which is charming – Valentine’s Day really doesn’t have much to do with the story whatsoever. It’s not like in Halloween where the holiday and the villain actually play into the movie’s title, but whatever, the original MBV was a Halloween knock-off anyway.

And while a more fitting bad guy for this movie would have been an angry cupid with razor-tipped arrows, Ward’s still a moderately cool serial killer, proving once and for all that pick axes can be pretty damn effective. Also kinda dig the whole Psycho Mantis/coal miner look he’s got going on.

Yup, I am resorting to nerd references.

But aside from Harry, MBV‘s got a lot of problems. The directing by Patrick Lussier (of White Noise 2: The Light and Dracula III: Legacy fame) is shit, the acting is also shit (especially on the behalf of this guy, Jensen Ackles – the mining boss’ jackass son), the characters are whatever, and the surprise ending is total horseshit. Yeah, you might not see the final twist coming, but that’s probably because it completely disregards key events that happened beforehand, thus managing to create even more glaring plot holes instead of providing the necessary answers so that everything comes full circle. Reminded me of the ending in High Tension, which also made no effing sense.

And while the characters aren’t overtly stupid for most of the movie, their I.Q.’s managed to drop at a staggering rate by the last half-hour (e.g.: NOT SHOOTING THE KILLER WHEN THE GUN IS POINT-BLANK IN HIS FACE). They’re definitely not the smartest gang in town, but there weren’t any occasions where I found myself rooting for someone to die just because they’re total idiots.

But hey, can’t say I’ve seen too many horror movies that have lengthy chase/murder scenes that start out with ten minutes of full-frontal nudity and end with dwarves getting their heads impaled in a most extreme manner. I’ll give that one to MBV, that was pretty crazy.

Not sure whether it was supposed to be funny or whether I was laughing because it was just bad, but when you have to ask yourself that question in a situation like this, it’s usually not in the movie’s favor.

Thought I was gonna like this movie more than I did, and while it does have its moments watching it in the comfort of your own home, I’m betting this would have been a lot more enjoyable seeing in a crowded theater. It’s only so much fun yelling “3-D!” at the TV screen, imagining what certain scenes would have looked like in…the third dimension! instead of actually seeing the bullet/eyeball/human jaw careening towards your face like it was intended to. Still not on the 3-D bandwagon like the rest of the world seems to be, but I can see how it could have been cool. Much cooler than Ebenezer Scrooge in 3-D.

It’s entertaining in spurts, but My Bloody Valentine‘s still isn’t a very good horror movie. Definitely not as good as the band of the same name, either. Google that shit.