The Best Movies of 2012: #102 – 81

That’s right, boys and girls, after taking the month of January to play catch up, it’s that time of year again. And because watching 94 movies in 2011 just wasn’t unhealthy enough, I done went and outdid myself by watching a cool 102. Don’t ask how I manage to maintain a social life, don’t ask how I managed to get anything else done with my life these past 12 months, because your guess is as good as mine. Wish I’d had the time and willpower to give them all a proper review, but hey, there’s always next year.

Anyhow, what do you say we get things started off right by dredging through last year’s garbage as we make our way to the top? Sound good? Groovy…

102. The Divide (Full Review)
It was worse than a Tyler Perry movie. Need I say more?

101. Good Deeds (Full Review)
It’s a Tyler Perry movie. Need I say more?

100. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (Full Review)
If you haven’t seen it, just stick with the awesome trailer and walk the hell away. Lord, how I wish someone had given me that advice last year.

99. Compliance (Full Review)
Sorry, folks, but this one’s still torture porn to me.

98. American Reunion (Full Review)
Saddens me to see a franchise I grew up with get so needlessly and violently shat upon. None of the charm, none of the laughs, and none of the heart that made these movies so special to begin with. Then again, that’s coming from a guy who doesn’t have kids and didn’t go to his high school reunion.

97. The Vow (Full Review)
Not exactly the most relatable love story I’ve ever heard, and boy howdy, was it as annoying as it was predictable. Counting this as Channing Tatum’s mulligan for 2012.

96. Contraband (Full Review)
I wish I could remember what I did and didn’t like about this movie, but most everything seems to elude me…except for Giovanni Ribisi’s weird-ass nasally voice, that one’s still crystal. Oh, and wrapping duct tape around your head as a disguise. Brilliant!

95. Let the Bullets Fly (Full Review)
Another one that’s escaping me. Something about every punchline falling flat and some guy scooping a bowl of Jell-O out of stomach to prove a point. Good times.

94. The Woman in Black (Full Review)
An outrageously creepy trailer and some downright gorgeous visuals just weren’t enough to balance out these infuriatingly stupid characters. Good riddance, dummies.

93. The Dictator (Full Review)
Like I said, at least he got to dump ashes on Seacrest.

92. Wreck-It Ralph (Full Review)
Seriously, what the hell does Candyland have to do with video games? As a lifelong gamer who had awfully high hopes for this one, the fact remains that this was just some juvenile shit that did more harm than good in bringing some respect and appreciation to the world of video games.
Ugh, thank heavens for Paperman.

91. Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie (Full Review)
Certainly helps being a Tim and Eric fan to begin with, but alas, sometimes TV just doesn’t translate to film. Although I am still giggling to myself over Eric getting a Prince Albert.

90. The Amazing Spider-Man (Full Review)
The single-most unnecessary movie of the year that did nothing to justify its own existence in this world. Did end up creating quite the dialogue though, and not to mention the best Honest Trailer of the year.

89. Prometheus (Full Review)
Nitpick away, this one warrants it. Admittedly gorgeous, and lord knows how boring this cast would have been without Fassbender, but as interested as I am to see where this story goes, it would have been so much better had it had nothing to do with Alien at all.

88. John Carter (Full Review)
Before I’d read the book, everything just felt overcomplicated, dumbed-down, and off. After I’d read the book, my suspicions were finally confirmed. But hey, at least I got a good read out of it.

87. Killer Joe (Full Review)
Really dug it until those last ten minutes.

86. Brave (Full Review)
Sure, it looks phenomenal, but I’m still just baffled by its childish sense of humor and muddled/backwards message, especially coming from Pixar of all studios. Whatever those guys are smoking right now, someone please cut them off and switch them back to their old brand.

85. Hyde Park on Hudson
Of all the stories to tell about FDR, they tell the one where he gets a handy from his cousin in the first ten minutes. All in all, just a mind-numbingly tedious biopic for such an extraordinary life. Seriously, the whole thing revolves around whether or not the King of England will eat a goddamn hot dog.
Serenity now…

84. Red Hook Summer
Loved the ending, just wish the rest of it had been more like Do the Right Thing and less like Crooklyn, I suppose.

83. Flight
Watch Denzel drink, watch Denzel get sober, watch Denzel fall off the wagon, watch Denzel get back on. I know I’m in the minority on this one, but the whole rinse, wash, repeat formula just drained me. Couldn’t stand any of the characters either. Also have to wonder about a script that vouches for the healing powers of cocaine. Yeah, just wasn’t a fan, gang.

82. Once Upon a Time in Anatolia
Also pretty sure I’m in the minority on this one, but I just didn’t get it. At least the last half-hour caught my interest, but the two hours before that? Not so much, unfortunately.

81. Alps
Stranger than strange despite a pretty intriguing premise.

Distinctly remember last year’s list having far worse offerings on Day 1, and to be fair, I should have known better with some of these. And on that note, it’s all uphill from here. So stay tuned for the next 20 tomorrow and have at it in the Comments section, folks.