Transformers (2007)
VERDICT:
5/10 ROBOTS?? FIGHTING!?!? YES!!!!
One day during my senior year of college, I came back to my apartment to find my roommate and his friends sitting in the living room with all the lights off watching a movie.
Being the polite roommate, I asked, “Hey, whatchya’ watchin’?”
His response, “Only the greatest movie ever made.” Cue my roommate high-fiving his friend in agreement.
I turned to the TV and was amazed to find that they were watching Transformers. What was I expecting? The Godfather, that robotless piece of shit?
Consider myself served.
Transformers is about good alien robots and bad alien robots who can transform their shape from cars, jets, etc. to giant fighting machines that each have their own little quirks and personalities. Anyway, they come down to Earth to look for something called “the All Spark”, somehow Shia LeBeouf and his unrealistic love interest, Megan Fox, get involved, and then the robots fight for the next hour and half. And I think it’s based off a documentary.
Sure, there’s a semblance of a story and there are people acting in it, but no one’s going into this movie looking to give a shit about the characters or to be moved in some way. When you turn on Transformers, you want action and you want it NOW!
Michael Bay knows this. He’s always known it.
He’s mastered the art of killing brain cells for two hours, made a career out of it, and this might be him at the top of his game. Not to say that he’s got some other masterpiece of film making to live up to, but he knows his target audience and this is exactly what they’re looking for.
With that said, Transformers is fun. It’s got the nostalgia appeal for anyone who grew up around the ’80s and it has some great special effects. And as expected, the action scenes are wild when you can actually make out what’s going on.
But that’s about it.
Shia LeBeouf contributes nothing of substance to the movie, Megan Fox is around for the sex appeal factor, and all the dialogue is pretty annoying, especially since it tries so damn hard to be funny. We all know someone who tries so hard to be funny but just comes off as unbelievably irritating. No one wants to spend two hours with that person in a dark room.
There’s really not a whole lot to say about Transformers because there’s not much there apart from what you see. With that said, I enjoyed watching it, but that doesn’t make it a good movie. This is a Michael Bay summer blockbuster and it’s exactly the movie you would expect it to be:
Robots. Fighting. Robots.
The Vanishing (1988)
VERDICT:
3/10 Grudges Against BRAVO
I finally got to see this last night after waiting for it to appear on Netflix for ages now. What a freakin’ disappointment.
The Vanishing is a French movie about a guy whose girlfriend disappears when they stop at a gas station while on vacation, the boyfriend’s continued search for answers three years after the said “vanishing”, and a guy with a sinister red beard who may or may not be behind it all. Sounds good in theory, but it just isn’t enough.
I’ll try not to give too much away because this is one of those movies where you’re better of knowing next to nothing about what goes on if you want to get the most out of it. And one of the reasons I might be more inclined to dislike The Vanishing is because the first time I heard about it was also the time I had the ending ruined for me.
See, around Halloween each year, Bravo runs a special on “The 100 Scariest Movie Moments”. So two years ago I decided to sit down and watch the whole thing, because I guess that’s what I did with my spare time in college. Since I’m big on horror movies, I knew more or less all of the ones listed, but it was the “scary movie moment” from The Vanishing, a movie I’d never heard of, that really peaked my interest.
Turns out, that moment is what the entire movie was leading up to, a moment that’s intended to be a total surprise to the audience that pretty much makes the whole thing worthwhile. But since I knew it was coming all along, my reaction was about the polar opposite of what it should have been.
Thanks a lot, Bravo.
But then again, the same thing happened with The Sixth Sense and that movie was awesome (I think I’m cursed or something). So keeping that in mind, there’s more to this movie that really didn’t work for me aside from a spoiled ending.
First: it’s boring. It moves along at a snail’s pace, doesn’t really build up the tension the way it should, and it takes forever to move the plot along.
Second: the script more or less spells out the direction the story is going in and doesn’t leave a whole lot to the audience to assume outside of what they’ve probably already figured out. So much for the element of surprise.
And finally: I really didn’t care all that much about the characters or what happened to them because they didn’t really seem to care all that much either. The main character gives up searching for his girlfriend maybe 48 hours after she vanishes, then only takes up the search again three years later because he randomly has a dream about her. That’s not drive, that’s just…I don’t know what that is, but it’s stupid.
The lead (over)actor really bothered me, too. So did the other guy’s red beard.
Maybe my expectations were too high for this movie, and maybe I should have just gone back to playing Halo instead of watching Bravo for five hours. But since I can’t change the past, I just can’t bring myself to recommend The Vanishing. It does have a good ending, but what’s the point of a good ending if everything leading up to it is overwhelmingly forgettable?
Talk amongst yourselves.
Borat (2006)
VERDICT:
8/10 Funny Bigots
Easily the funniest movie of 2006 and the movie that finally established Sacha Baron Cohen as one of the funniest guys out there today.
Borat is about a Kazakhstani journalist named Borat who goes over to the USA to do a story on American life but ends up trekking across the country to try and marry Pamela Anderson after seeing her on Baywatch and, naturally, falling in love with her. Oh, Borat. You dog, you.
The character Borat first made his appearance as one of Baron Cohen’s three alter-egos on his gut-bustingly funny show Da Ali G Show. If you’ve never seen it, go rent the first two seasons a.s.a.p. or just YouTube the hell out of it.
Borat acts as an endearing, ignorantly racist foreigner in a foreign land whose own totally absurd prejudices of how a woman’s brain is the size of a squirrel (among other gems) are continually reinforced by the people he interviews who actually do believe that men are better than women and that all Muslims have bombs strapped to their chests. A good deal of the interviews are pretty jaw-dropping, it’s a surprisingly effective look into some of America’s more bizarre subcultures, and isn’t it great to see racist jackasses get humiliated in front of the entire world?
Hell yes it is.
The thing is, Sacha Baron Cohen is not a racist. He’s actually a practicing Jew and is the only one in on the joke during his cross-country voyage through America’s South. And that’s why it all works instead of coming off as the most anti-Semitic movie of all time.
Borat is phenomenal comic writing in action and Baron Cohen sends it home like only he can. It’s an edgy and surprisingly smart movie that pushes the envelope in a really unique way and it’s one of those things that people are still going to be laughing their asses off to years from now.
You really have to see it for yourself to understand how good this movie is. It might touch a nerve here and there, but suck it up, you’re an adult. You can handle it.
I also have no idea how Baron Cohen managed to stay in character for so long to plug this movie. He’s either batshit crazy or was born for this line of work. I’m leaning towards the latter.
The point is, Borat is absolutely hilarious. The only drawback is that a lot of the humor revolves around its shock value the first time around, so it doesn’t bring the laughs in subsequent viewings the way it does when you don’t know what’s coming next. If I wrote this review three years ago around this time, it would get an easy 9/10 Funny Bigots.
I really don’t know how Bruno is going to top this. But one can only hope…
Away We Go (2009)
VERDICT:
7/10 Aiden R. Doppelgangers
A very sweet, quirky movie that I ended up liking more than I thought I would.
Away We Go is about two parents-to-be that go through a mid-life crisis of sorts and decide to travel to various locations across the country to find the perfect place to call home for both themselves and their child. Along each stop they meet up with various eccentric couples that each help them discover the kind of parents and husband/wife team they want to be.
The movie starts out as a kind of adult version of Juno and runs with it for a good deal of the script. It’s got the snarky dialogue and more likable, endearing characters than you can shake a stick at. They don’t say things like “wizard” or “homeskillet” in Away We go, but whatever, it works. Juno‘s a good movie, this is too.
I didn’t find myself laughing as hard as everyone else was, but it’s the kind of comedy that I can appreciate without feeling like I have a shitty sense of humor.
But there’s just something about it that didn’t grab me from the get-go and it wasn’t until about an hour or so in that I really started to enjoy the direction the movie was going in. But once the script really catches it’s stride, it has a lot of really heartfelt and impressive things to say about life, parenthood, and what really matters in relationships.
Works well as a date movie, but it’s a good movie in its own right either way. It’s just one of those movies that leaves you feeling good about life.
Everyone in the cast is very good (Maya Rudolph can act? Sure, why not), the characters are all really fleshed out and unique, and director Sam Mendes does a good job with a genre that he’s for the most part pretty unfamiliar with. Soundtrack is pretty good too, kinda like Garden State with a couple of great Dylan tracks as a bonus.
And a big shout out to Allison Janney (Juno’s step-mom in Juno) as the absolutely hilarious wife of the first couple the main characters visit in Arizona. No idea she could be so funny, but she rocked.
I just saw this movie with my good buddy Fred and he loved it. Maybe it wasn’t my kind of movie to start with, but it won me over anyway. Being that I highly respect Fred’s opinions on these matters, if you think this might be your kind of thing, then go with Fred on this one.
More importantly, I am going to sue the shit out of Jon Krasinski. Mofo totally stole my look.
Taken (2008)
VERDICT:
6/10 Dad of the Year Awards
Just finished watching this with my good buddy Fred. So much for not being horrified about my future kids spending a semester abroad.
Taken is about an ex-soldier trying to repair his relationship with his daughter because he was too busy killing people for the good ol’ U.S. of A. to be a part of her life growing up. So in trying to be the cool dad, he lets her and a friend go spend a couple weeks in Europe. Then they get kidnapped by Albanians on the first day there, prompting dad to go on one of his trademark killing sprees to get her back.
Being the cool dad is never easy.
It’s directed by Pierre Morel (check out his first movie District B-13, wild action movie) who puts together some sweet action scenes here and there, but for the most part it’s one of those movies where there’s so much crap going on at once that it all just kind of blurs together. Can’t imagine what a seizure-fest this must have been in the theaters.
The story’s nothing special, the dialogue is fine, but dear lord, when did Liam Neeson turn into such a badass?
This is Oskar Schindler we’re talking about here, never done an action movie in his life. But for some reason, Neeson is absolutely awesome as the ten-foot-tall one-man wrecking crew whose entire arsenal of close combat fighting moves boils down to “Chop. Neck.” Never gets old and it sure does the trick.
Wasn’t expecting much out of Mr. Neeson, but he sure as hell carries the movie and he does a surprisingly great job.
Taken was also written by Luc Besson, director and writer of some of the greatest action movies ever made (The Professional and La Femme Nikita being the best of the bunch). You can see traces of Besson in the way the movie is paced at times, but Taken really isn’t a good judge of what he can do as a writer and a film maker. Just sayin’.
There’s also no main bad guy in the movie, which is kind of a double edged sword. While it’s fun to watch Neeson snuff out one extra after another who can’t shoot or fight worth a damn, there’s no one to really root against or anyone who just might be capable of stopping this walking Irish bloodbath. I think we’re just supposed to assume he was in the U.S. military, but whatever, minor casting glitch that will probably get my neck chopped if I complain about it.
But in the end, Taken is a fun movie. The hour and a half fly by in an instant and if you’re not looking to think to any great extent, can’t really go wrong here. It’s not a great action movie, but it’s worth seeing for Neeson who makes it better than anyone else could have.
That’s the last time I trust Albanian human-traffickers.
Pootie Tang (2001)
VERDICT:
6/10 “Sah da tay”s
Yeah, 6 out of 10 is a pretty generous score for this movie by most standards, but we all have our guilty pleasures.
What can I say. It cracks me up.
Pootie Tang is about an urban superhero of sorts who named himself Pootie Tang because he’s cool as all hell, too cool for the English language in fact, which is also why he says things like “Wah da tah!” and “Sine yo pitty on the runny kine” instead of using actual words that mean things. But things go awry in Pootie’s life when a tramp seduces him and steals his pimp-belt that he uses to slap the shit out of evildoers, thus sapping him of his crime-fighting abilities. Tragic.
It’s written and directed by Louis C.K., an absolutely hilarious guy whose standup is actually a million times funnier than this movie is, so it’s got that going for it. The cast is also comprised of the entire cast of The Chris Rock Show from way back when, which was a damn funny show. And Pootie Tang is played by some guy named Lance Crouther who hasn’t done anything before or after this movie came out, but he gets the job done anyway.
Aside from the running gag of Pootie Tang’s made-up language, the comedy in the movie is just silly and slapsticky, more often than not opting for something that might be funny instead of something that actually makes sense. Doesn’t work all the time, but it’s got its moments.
Chris Rock is also pretty good, but he’s done much better. Wanda Sykes is in it too, but Wanda Sykes sucks. And if you’ve seen the latest season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, J.B. Smoove, the guy who plays Leon Black, is in it too, and he’s got some good lines. I guess that’s about it.
And don’t be surprised if you’ve never heard of Pootie Tang. For some reason, everyone at my office was quoting this movie all day yesterday, but when I came home and asked my roommates and my good buddy Fred if they’d seen it, I was answered with a resounding “What the fuck is Pootie Tang?” People weren’t exactly racing to see this movie when it came out either and so it has thus fallen into the annals of obscure comedies long forgotten. I think I feel a tear coming on.
Pootie Tang‘s not the funniest thing out there, not by a longshot. But if for some reason the moon and sun align on the winter soltice and you happen upon this movie while channel surfing, I’ll stand by it and say that it’s good for a few laughs.
One of those movies that’s funnier in retrospect when people start randomly quoting it, like it’s some secret bond that only you, that other guy, and Pootie know. This has happened to me more than once and it’s reason enough to watch Pootie Tang. It’s a truly magical feeling.
Treasure that moment, people.
Never let it go.
The Proposition (2005)
VERDICT:
9/10 Much Needed Showers
Along with 3:10 to Yuma, this is one of the best Westerns to come out in the last ten years and it’s grittier than chewing on a mound of dirt. Trust me, that’s a good thing.
The Proposition takes place back in the day in the Australian Outback where two of three criminal brothers on the run are caught by the law and are given a proposition: if Guy Pearce (the middle brother of the family who’s been caught) brings in his straight-up evil older brother, the law will let Guy and his younger brother go free in turn. It’s got a real Cain and Abel feel too it and it’s one bad mother.
It’s the debut effort by director John Hillcoat (who’s also putting out The Road this Fall), and it’s a beautiful, yet brutal experience in equal parts. The brutal aspect is pretty much due to the script written by first-timer Nick Cave (frontman of the band Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds) who outright shits on the notion of sugarcoating life in the Australian West and puts together one in-your-face morality story that most screenwriters would kill for on their first try.
And the beauty part comes in the form of the Australian Outback itself. It’s not often that the setting of a movie ends up playing as much a part of the story as the characters do, but it’s clear from the get-go that everyone and everything is affected by it in some way or another. The scenery is nothing short of breathtaking and it’s something else to see what big sky country is really like. And not like Texas-big sky country, this is the real shit.
That’s right, Texas. Consider yourself messed with.
But the story is great, the characters do not fuck around what.so.ever., they’re backed up by great actors (Ray Winstone and Danny Huston – awesome), and this is the only Western I’ve seen that even comes close to making Clint Eastwood and John Wayne look like pussies. That’s like sacrilege for me to say that, but I’m serious, this movie’s not pulling punches. Very violent, the bad guys are seriously coldblooded, and man, it sure does a great job of conveying that life in the Outback sucked ass.
I’ve recommended this movie to a number of my friends and more often than not they come out less enthusiastic about it than I thought they would, which is always a bummer. The main compliant across the board being that it’s too slow. I’ve never noticed it, but then again I might be a little biased because I love Westerns. Love, love, love, Westerns.
So if you’re not hopped up on Pixie Stix when you watch movies and don’t need explosions every half-second to not be bored, or if you’re just looking for a good Western, or if you just like kick-ass movies with ruthless, hardcore dudes who would make you lose all bowel function if they stared at you for too long, then go watch The Proposition. It’s a personal favorite of mine and one of the few movies I actually own.
Screw that Baz Luhrmann Australia crap. This is freakin’ Australia.
The Believer (2001)
VERDICT:
6/10 Products of Excessive Teenage Angst
Really didn’t know what I was getting into when I put this bad boy on my Netflix queue. In hindsight, I probably should have.
The Believer follows a twenty-something Jewish skinhead living in New York who is struggling to inwardly justify his anti-Semitic beliefs to himself by serving as the spokesperson for an up-and-coming fascist movement led by Billy Zane, of course. And the laughs just keep on coming.
The closest thing I can compare this movie to is American History X, a great movie that also revolves around individuals dealing with anti-Semitism. I’d always thought that American History X was a pretty tough movie, but man, it’s got nothing on The Believer.
I’m not Jewish, so I don’t know how I would take this movie if I was, but even as a Catholic I was pretty unsettled by it. The script, the dialogue, and the plot are all filled with such an overwhelming amount of hate and questionably bad taste that it really makes the whole experience one tough pill to swallow.
There is a kind of ambiguously redeeming value to the story by the movie’s end, but it takes such a surprisingly long time to get any kind of substantial character development in a positive direction that all the negative qualities of the main character just overshadow the potential good in him. When you’re dealing with something as serious as anti-Semitism, hate crimes, and Holocaust denial among other things, keeping that redeeming quality prevalent should be a priority.
The Believer was the launching vehicle for Ryan Gosling, who plays the main character, and he is seriously intense in this. He’s a great actor to begin with, another one of the best actors out there who aren’t getting the real credit they deserve, and this is one of the best things he’s done (next to Half Nelson). The role is no joke and it quickly becomes clear that he’s not screwing around. Good way to make people forget that you used to be in the Mickey Mouse Club.
The Believer won the Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival in 2001, which is kind of a big deal, so there are obviously people out there who are going to disagree with me on this review. And it’s not all bad. It’s got a really taut script that’s executed really well by Gosling and it’s one of the more challenging movies you’re ever going to see, but it’s just such a difficult movie to sit through that I found myself wondering why I was watching it at times.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t see it, but just know what you’re getting into and I guess try not to take it personally. Yeah, it’s just a movie, but it’s also one of the most unnerving movies I’ve ever watched in my life.
And for the love of God, don’t see this just because you liked Gosling in The Notebook.
Not. A. Chick flick.
Beetlejuice (1988)
VERDICT:
8/10 Demonic Shrimp Cocktails
I’ve seen this movie two or three other times in my life and never really got what all the fuss was about. Always thought it was too dark, too strange, and not that funny either. But then again, I also loved The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is arguably all those things maxed out. I was a confused child.
So when my good buddy Fred turned this on last night, I figured, “Sure, why not?” And this time it was great. Weird how that happens.
Beetlejuice is about a husband and a wife who die in a car crash then turn into ghosts who have to scare the new owners out of their dream house, only they suck at it and eventually turn to Beetlejuice – a freelance “bio-exorcist” who scares the shit out of people like it’s noboby’s business – to do the job for them.
Great idea for a movie and it’s arguably Tim Burton at the most accessible height of his strange vision. Just one of many examples why Burton is one of the most original directors and storytellers out there.
While I’m on the subject, I’m a big fan of Tim Burton. Planet of the Apes aside, he’s got one hell of a resume’ and is always putting out really good stuff that most film makers wouldn’t even go near. And that’s what’s great about him, that he can take scripts and movies that would otherwise be entirely disturbing, nightmarish experiences and turn them into something almost dreamlike that people embrace and connect with. Go watch his take on Sweeney Todd, takes a lot of talent to make people laugh at folks getting their throats slit for two hours.
Anyway, I’m supposed to be talking about Beetlejuice. All those things I said about what makes Burton great, they’re all here in this movie.
The special effects don’t hold up all that well, but the makeup is great, the writing is good, and the cast is good, too, featuring every middle-aged actor who hit it big in the late-’80s/early-’90s and was never heard from again (an unrecognizably-young Alec Baldwin being the only one who made it out alive).
But Michael Keaton, the freakin’ king of the ’80s, really brings it all together as Beetejuice himself. What could have potentially been an entirely unlikeable character, even though he’s more or less the villain of the story anyway, ends up being a major selling point of the movie thanks to Keaton’s insano, mile-a-minute, hilarious performance that quickly turns him into the best character on-screen even though it takes him about an hour to finally show up.
As a result, my one complaint with the movie is that there’s just not enough Beetlejuice. Who cares about Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis as lame-ass ghosts. When you call a movie Beetlejuice, you should probably make it a point to show more Beetlejuice. He’s the ghost with the most, baby.
That aside, it’s still a fun movie, it’s got a great, morbid sense of humor, it’s got great music (that might be a nostalgia thing from watching the Beetlejuice cartoon as a kid). And come on, it’s Tim Burton. So go watch Beetlejuice, then go watch some other Burton movies, and remember the Keaton.
Never forget the Keaton.
Burn After Reading (2008)
VERDICT:
5/10 Grinning Headshots
Man, what a deceptive trailer. Definitely not the upbeat, enjoyable movie I thought it was going in to.
Without getting too into the excessive amount of sidestories and subplots that take place in this movie, Burn After Reading is more or less about two fitness instructors who accidentally get their hands on an ex-CIA operative’s memoirs and try to blackmail him into paying them for it so that one of the instructors can pay for her plastic surgery.
Like a lot of movies by the Coen brothers, the story is fueled by a slew of different characters whose lives are all intertwined, yet all have different motives, and everyone has the wrong idea of what’s really going on. But then again, it’s put together in a way that’s not too hard to follow if you’re actually paying attention. I was ironing while watching this and I still knew what was going on. So way to go, Coens.
Burn After Reading is a mix between the subtle comedy of The Big Lebowski and the pitch-black morality tale that is Fargo…only it’s not as funny as the former and not nearly as affecting as the latter. It works at times, but so much of this movie is so damn dark and depressing that it gets hard to balance out the humor.
The story is decent, doesn’t really have a whole lot to say outside of “don’t be vain and don’t be an amoral jerk like everyone in this movie is”, but it’s nothing special. There’s some great dialogue once in a while and the characters are all very unique and well-rounded, but there’s too many to really care about what happens to them
The big thing that Burn After Reading has going for it is its cast. There’s a crap-load of famous people in it and they all do a great job of bringing something different to the table. Big fan of J.K. Simmons (the dad from Juno) as the head of the CIA and one of the few voices of sanity that’s trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
And while I don’t think Brad Pitt’s much of an actor (textbook case of Pretty Boy Syndrome), I have to give him credit for giving one of the more noteworthy performances as one of the idiot fitness instructors. Some people should really stick to non-serious roles.
I don’t know, maybe this is one of those things like The Big Lebowski where I need to go back and watch it again for me to really get how good it is. Or I could just watch The Big Lebowski instead.
Yeah, good idea.
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 
