2012 (2009)
VERDICT:
5/10 Buzzkill Horoscopes
Enjoy the next three years, folks, ’cause this whole apocalypse thing sure is gonna suck.
2012 is the story of how we’re all going to die in three years because the Mayans made a prediction we never listened to where the Sun gets too hot and the Earth’s core boils up and explodes all over the place. But there was one thing those Mayans never could have predicted: John-freakin’-Cusack.
Check mate, Mayans.
This is the latest movie by director Roland Emmerich and it’s exactly what you’d expect from the brainchild of such dramatic masterpieces as Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow. This is a disaster movie. Lots of shit blows up, lots of people die, there’s lots of corny one-liners all-around, and since you’re getting what you’re paying for, it’s actually pretty fun for the most part.
The good thing about 2012 is that even when it tries to be serious, it knows damn well that it’s not fooling anyone. It’s easy to forgive all the melodramatic speeches and canned catch-phrases because Emmerich knows his audience isn’t paying to see an Oscar contender, they just want to see the Earth go BOOM! and that’s what he gives them. He had to at least try to throw some drama in there, and even though it’s all pretty laughable, everything about this movie needs to be taken with a grain of salt.
And when it comes to destroying Earth for entertainment, the special effects deliver (even though you get to see all the best parts in the trailer). Somewhat intense for the most part, but it’s not Die Hard, it’s eye candy.
But even though this movie’s faults are pretty forgivable for the most part, alas, there remains a couple things I just couldn’t overlook.
Yeah, I guess it’s cool to watch Las Vegas and Yellowstone National Park get sucked into the ocean or melted down to nothing, but then I started thinking about what it would be like seeing this if I lived in these places – not in the world of 2012, in real life. With the mindset of how I would react to seeing Manhattan go up in flames, it just ends up being a total bummer. I reached my plateau of bad taste once Emmerich kills off the Pope and sends all of Vatican City crashing down on crap-loads of bystanders. Really? The Pope had to get it? A little much if you ask me.
The whole formula of “thing blows up, hero’s ass gets save by the skin of his teeth, rinse, wash, repeat” is pretty entertaining for a while, but it won’t be long before you’re saying to yourself, “Wow, isn’t this wonderfully convenient for John Cusack and his family.” Granted, it would be pretty lame if he died at the first earthquake, but come on, at least injure the guy or something. Dude is out-driving earthquakes in a limo and outrunning volcanic eruptions without even marking up his suit jacket. Who knew Cusack was so hardcore?
And the amount of well-known actors in this cast is mind-boggling, so instead of going into all of them, I’ll just pick out a choice few. There’s a good cameo by Woody Harrelson as a dirty hippie hellbent on warning people about the end of days, Danny Glover plays the President (naturally), and you know what, John Cusack is actually pretty good. He doesn’t freak out or get too serious when he and his whole family is on the verge of death and he’s pretty amusing to watch for the most part. Has a much better sense of humor than I would if I were in his shoes.
But the worst part about 2012 is how effing long it is. Went to an 8:00 showing of this on Friday and didn’t get out of the theater ’til 11:15. Apparently the running time here – without previews – is nearly two hours and forty minutes.
Why?
What was so important about this plot that forty extra minutes had to be tacked onto it? My good buddy Fred and I were both falling asleep by the third Act for chrissakes, and I never fall asleep in movies. Look, disaster movies don’t need to be this drawn out. Just end it at two hours and everybody’s happy. Felt bad for the people waiting on line for the 11:30 show as I was leaving the theater.
But when all is said and done, 2012 is as good as you would expect it to be. It’s epic, mindless fun and that’s about the long and short of it.
Only thing it’s missing is Will Smith punching aliens, Bill Pullman flying jet planes, and Jeff Goldblum smoking a cigar. Then again, the same can be said for every movie.
“Welcome to Earth!”
Classic.
Billy the Kid (2007)
VERDICT:
7/10 Wallflowers
A fascinating and often uncomfortable look into one very unique kid’s life and the condition he struggles with.
Billy the Kid is surprisingly enough not about cowboys. It’s in fact a documentary that follows 15-year-old Billy P., a bright, yet socially awkward teen living with Asperger’s syndrome as he tries to fit in with his peers, find himself a girlfriend, and tell the world his story by way of a seemingly endless wealth of obscure movie quotes.
I like this kid.
Sought this movie out after seeing posters for it all over the place in NYC two years ago on those POST NO BILLS walls. Normally this kind of marketing doesn’t do jack crap for me, but there’s just something about that poster and that great title plastered over it. You know what, it’s probably just the bow tie and Billy’s numbing gaze. Kid is hot shit.
Anyway, it’s a pretty interesting movie on a couple levels.
I dig documentaries like this that focus on everyday people going through their everyday lives, kinda like Anvil! The Story of Anvil. No frills, nothing fancy, just Billy and a camera for the most part, and that was more than enough to keep me interested. This is the only directing credit of Jennifer Venditti’s and she does a good job of keeping it simple and letting her subjects do the work for her.
It also helps that Billy eats up the attention from start to finish. He’s a very entertaining kid to watch and listen to for the most part, but at other times the opposite kicks into effect and your heart sinks for the guy. From the moment you see his rat tail and his Three Wolf Moon T-shirt, you can tell that Billy probably doesn’t fit in with The Plastics at his school. But the thing is that Billy is proud of who he is, rat tail and all, and you can’t help but admire that. The kid’s got spunk, dammit.
But the main selling point to Billy the Kid is the inside look it gives to Asperger’s in terms of how it effects the people who have it and how others react to it in turn. The main way this effects Billy is that it practically gives him split personalities. In the privacy of his own home, Billy is incredibly well-spoken and has a lot of insightful things to say about his outlook on life. But then when he’s in public spaces trying to make friends or ask a girl out on a date, everything just seems to fall apart for Billy.
I don’t have a whole lot of experience being around people with Asperger’s, and I’m no doctor, but from the little time I have spent, this last part about Billy’s difficulties in social settings is dead on. It’s absolutely heartbreaking when you see Billy trying to make conversation with strangers and not being able to find the words to make everything click together. Made me cringe not only because it sucks watching Billy put himself through this, but also because it seems perfectly normal to him.
Luckily, there are a number of scenes where Billy hits it out of the park in these situations, but for the most part, it’s like watching a sinking ship.
Not sure how many people out there have heard of this movie, let alone seen it, but it’s a pretty insightful watch about a pretty endearing kid. Might not be everyone’s thing, but I dug it. Come on, just look at that poster, how could you not want to find out more about Billy?
Precious (2009)
VERDICT:
9/10 Hard-Knock Lives
It’s been a while since I’ve come across such a genuine and harrowing movie as this. Last one was probably The Diving Bell and The Butterfly back in ’07. Both left me weeping like a baby. I am embarrassing to watch movies with.
Precious: based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire (had to throw that in there) is about a 16-year-old girl – Precious – living in Harlem, NY in the late ’80s. The movie follows her as she struggles to gain control of her life and do what’s right for her all the while coping with her physically and emotionally abusive mother. And she’s also carrying her father’s child.
Nope, that was not a typo.
Needless to say, Precious ends up being one emotional experience to sit through. I like to think that I’m not that much of a softy when it comes to breaking out the waterworks during movies, but good lord does this one pull on the heartstrings. But like I said, it’s genuine. Aiden R. doesn’t cry at that sappy shit.
Now, I can understand how you the paternal incest could be off-putting for some. Actually, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume it’s off-putting for everybody. But the good thing is that it’s handled very carefully without dwelling on the rape scenes or mistakenly make it the center point of Precious’ life. While I’ve heard the novel gets very descriptive about this particular area, I’m glad the movie opted to address it quickly and effectively without getting into any of the gritty details. You don’t need to get to descriptive to get the message across with this kind of thing.
But the incest subject aside, it’s still pretty tough to take at times, primarily because even before Precious starts getting picked on by strangers or chewed out/attacked by her own mother, you can pretty much tell right away that she doesn’t have it easy. God, I feel like I’m making this out to be a sob story. It’s really not. It’s just that there aren’t a whole lot of movies that really get across that life is effing tough in the way that Precious does. It doesn’t jam it down your throat and there’s a ton of redemptive qualities to both Precious’ character and the good people in her life to balance it all out. Granted, things get pretty bad, but Precious proves herself to be one tough cookie.
Thank God for that. And thank God this movie has such a great sense of humor to boot. You wouldn’t guess, especially at this point in the review, but I found myself laughing out lout along with everyone else in the theater a number of times.
One of the big things that stood out for me aside from the acting (which I’ll get to in a sec) is how well Precious captures the voice of inner-city youth in Harlem. Being that I work with inner-city youth in New York on a daily basis, it really impressed me that this script along with the kids delivering the lines did such a good job of keeping the dialogue so believably colloquial and their mannerisms so authentic. Nor does the script sugarcoat the dialogue for the adults in the movie, and while I’m not sure that this would be a selling point for those who don’t work with NYC teens, it was a big one for me and made everything else feel that much more real.
And as for the acting, the entire cast is nothing short of phenomenal. Newcomer Gabby Sidibe is just excellent as Precious. So much raw emotion and subtle power from such a young kid isn’t something you come by everyday. Really hope things take off for her from here on out, she rocked it.
A good deal of the cast is also made up of musicians, which is an interesting move that luckily works out well. Lenny Kravitz plays Precious’ nurse, not a very big role but he’s quite good all the same. And Mariah Carey of all people totally nails it as Precious’ case worker, completely resurrecting her acting career from the dark depths of Glitter. One of those situations where you have to do a double take to make sure these people are actually Lenny Kravitz and Mariah Carey. Who knew they could look so…normal.
But the scene-stealer of the evening goes to Mo’Nique – yes, Mo’Nique from VH1’s Charm School and The Queens of Comedy – as Precious’ mother. I heard she was good here from all the buzz she got at Cannes or Sundance or whatever it was this year, and she more than lived up to the hype. Not the most flattering individual to be portraying on any front, nor must it have been easy by any means to get the heart of such a tortured soul as hers, but, holy hell, what a powerhouse of a performance. I’m tellin’ ya, if she doesn’t win that Oscar, some shit is up, folks.
And just one more shout-out to Paula Patton as Precious’ teacher and mentor. Never seen her before, but an absolutely fantastic on-screen presence as well.
Before this thing gets too long, should probably mention that it’s also really well-directed by Lee Daniels. He really handles this movie well and arranges it beautifully, particularly in regards to editing. So way to go, Lee.
I really didn’t know what I was getting into with this movie, but I’m beyond glad that I took the plunge. It shouldn’t matter whether you can cannot Precious’ circumstances or not, this is such a profoundly heartfelt and honest movie from every angle that I think you’d be hard-pressed to not find yourself fight down that lump in your throat. Precious currently stands as my #2 movie of the year, right behind Up and right ahead of Inglourious Basterds, so hopefully that counts for something. One of those stories that deserves to be heard.
Has a great old school R&B soundtrack, too.
American Beauty (1999)
VERDICT:
10/10 Awesome Dads
One hell of a debut effort by director Sam Mendes and screenwriter Alan Ball. Also happens to be my good buddy Fred’s favorite movie of all time.
Good choice, Fred.
American Beauty is about Lester Burnham, a guy going through a mid-life crisis thanks to the “good job” he hates, the “good marriage” that failed a long time ago, the estranged relationship he has with his daughter that he sees every day but hardly even knows, and the facade of a “good life” he grudgingly maintains in suburban America for the sake of everyone but himself. Then one day he meets his next-door neighbor – a dope-dealing classmate of his daughter – who teaches Lester by example that life is too short to just sit back and accept the way things are. Lester listens, Lester abides, and so begins the story of the most entertaining and profound mid-life crisis I’ve ever seen put to film.
While I’m on the subject, I’m just gonna go ahead and get my Lester Burnham/Kevin Spacey rant out of the way, mainly because he’s a big reason this movie got a 10.
Alright, here it goes…
Lester Burnham is the man. Arguably one of the top three movie protagonists…ever. Part of that is because he’s played by Kevin Spacey, who also happens to be the man and one of the best working actors out there today (now if only he’d take better roles). It helps that Burnham’s such a well-written character to begin with, but it’s not often in movies that you see an actor really become the character he’s playing. The reason the change from Lester the Buzzkill to Lester the Hero is so effective is because Spacey is just so damn believable and invested as he sticks up a big ol’ middle finger to the life he can’t stand and punches it square in the kisser as he passes it by with an ear-to-ear grin on his face.
It’s an amazing display of character development, it’s an amazing display of life in general.
But everyone else is great, too. Annette Bening is fantastic as Lester’s wife, Carolyn, the one person in the family who seems to relish in their superficial existence and has no idea how to cope with her husband’s sudden disdain for it. She’s a great counterpoint to Lester’s whole mindset and Bening does a great job of making her feel both trapped and
Thora Birch (where’d she go?) is good as Lester’s daughter, Jane. Mena Suvari (probably hiding out with Thora) is good as Jane’s best friend/Lester’s lust interest. I thought Wes Bentley (who has since taken up a campaign to destroy his own career from the inside out with big roles in Ghost Rider and P2) was really good as the terribly odd, yet terribly fascinating Ricky Fitts, Jane’s main squeeze and Lester’s weed pusher/personal idol next door. And Chris Cooper and Allison Janney are also awesome in their own disturbing ways as Ricky’s parents.
Probably could have just left that at “everyone else is great, too,” but hey, good casts like this deserve their props.
And like I said, what an amazing script by Alan Ball. Sam Mendes might be the reason this movie looks so damn good, but the brilliant characters, the wonderful dialogue, and the way this thing goes from great scene to great scene to great scene goes right back to Ball. We’ve all got our favorite moments, and that’s ’cause there’s a lot of ’em here.
The plastic bag dancing in the wind.
Lester blackmailing his boss.
Lester chucking the asparagus and changing the music.
Lester working the drive-thru window.
Carolyn belting out “Don’t Rain On My Parade” right before she’s pulls into her driveway.
Just so many great scenes here thanks to a perfect little partnership between Mendes and Ball. Those guys should really get back together.
What more can I say about American Beauty. Best movie of 2000, deserved the freakin’ slew of awards it got that year, and it’s the best thing Sam Mendes has done for the world. Still the most insightful and eye-opening behind-closed-doors look into suburban life, and I’ll be damned if that statement ever changes.
…And the scene where Lester goes off on Carolyn after she stops his advances because he’s about to spill beer on their couch – one of my favorite scenes of all time.
“This isn’t life, it’s just stuff! And it’s become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that’s just nuts.”
Fuckin’-A, Lester. Fuckin’-A.
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
VERDICT:
9/10 FUBARs
I still have no freakin’ clue how this lost Best Picture to Shakespeare in Love. What was up with that? Horseshit.
Saving Private Ryan is about a unit in WWII that are given orders to ensure the safety and return home of one James Francis Ryan after the deaths of his three brothers on the field of battle. The members of said unit also get a plane ticket stateside if they get Ryan back, so it’s a win-win for everybody.
Being that there’s a good chance this movie’s gonna be playing on TV tonight (which has become an awesome annual tradition of sorts) thought this would be as good a way as any to celebrate Veteran’s Day in style.
The funny thing about this movie is that even a eleven years after its release, whenever I talk to people about it, the conversation inevitably leads back to the same thing we were all talking about back in 1998 – the opening scene on the beaches of Normandy. Part of me is tempted to say that I’m surprised everyone is still hung up on that scene, but then again, it’s not often that a movie changes the game entirely over the course of fifteen minutes.
The reason everyone couldn’t stop talking about this opening scene is because war had never been depicted like this in movies before. No sugarcoating. No punches held. Everyone was taken for a loop at how Spielberg managed to pull off such a frighteningly convincing feat of presenting the horrors of war to his audience by placing them as close to the front lines as he possibly could without having them rush the beaches themselves. No other war movie told it like this beforehand and there really hasn’t been a war movie that’s done it better since. I’ve seen this movie a good four or five times and even though I know what’s coming, it is always a rough sit-through.
You want to see why war is hell from the comforts of your La-Z-Boy? Saving Private Ryan oughta do the trick just fine.
Granted, this is a pretty hard act to follow for the remaining two-and-a-half hours, and maybe I’m just getting ahead of myself here, but I don’t feel like the rest of this movie gets the credit it deserves.
The things I actually like most about this movie are two things that Spielberg arguably does better than anyone else out there – character development and honest storytelling. There are a lot of characters to account for but everyone has their own distinct quirks and personalities that make them stand out as individuals. They all have their own stories and getting to hear those stories, getting to see how each of them react to the situations around them – not only in the heat of battle but otherwise – is one of my favorite aspects of this script.
The cast is also made up of everyone from every movie you’ve ever seen. The unit alone is made up of Ed Burns (awesome), Tom Sizemore, Jeremy Davies (aka: Eugene from Eugene in Rescue Dawn), Vin Diesel (pre-car thief), Giovanni Ribisi, and, of course, Tom Hanks. What is there left to say about Tom Hanks? He’s one of the greatest actors of all-time and just an all-around standup guy. Naturally, he’s great here as the unit’s leader and once again steals the show. Guy’s come a long way since Bosom Buddies.
Paul Giamatti, Ted Danson, and Nathan Fillion all get bit roles, too. So that’s a nice little bonus.
And not to beat a dead horse, but even after the opening scene at Normandy, the action scenes are freakin’ phenomenal. An absolutely wild and harrowing experience.
The only problem is that I feel like Spielberg has a hard time finding the right way to wrap up his movies, like the very end of Schindler’s List for example, and the same thing could be argued here. The final scene at the cemetery in Normandy along with the “Earn this!” theme might come off as sappy to some, but nonetheless, not a big complaint in light of everything else it does right.
Saving Private Ryan is just an incredibly well-made movie and redefined the face of war on the silver screen. One of those movies that I’ll to stop whatever I’m doing and just watch whenever it comes on TV.
Freakin’ Shakespeare in Love. That Joseph Fiennes is a ninny.
Three…Extremes (2004)
VERDICT:
8/10 Sick Minds
Well, it sure lives up to its name.
Three…Extremes is a collection of three short Asian horror films by accomplished directors from China, Japan, and Korea. One’s about a woman who eats gross shit, another is about a good guy being forced to sin, and the last is about a girl in a box. I’ll elaborate in a minute.
It’s been a while since I went through my Asian horror phase, but thanks to a recent conversation with my co-worker on the subject, I figured it was about damn time I jumped back in and gave this movie a watch after having it on me Netflix queue for years now. Wasn’t expecting a whole lot from this, mostly because I’m usually not big on short films, but, man, I forgot how good J-horror (and apparently C-horror and K-horror) movies are.
Western directors really don’t make ’em like this; just look at all the bastardized J-horror remakes that have come out like gangbusters since The Ring in ’02. Not the most impressive track record.
Anyway, let’s get down to the…extremes.
First off, there’s Dumplings by Chinese director Fruit Chan (whose other efforts I’m completely unfamiliar with, and you’d think I’d have heard of someone named “Fruit” by now). The story here follows that of an aging actress trying to find the fountain of youth through the secret recipe in Bai Ling‘s dumplings. I leave it up to your imagination to figure out what the secret ingredient is, all I’ll say is that, unfortunately, you’re on the right track.
This is easily the most extreme entry of the bunch for a number of reasons. Part of it is the dumplings themselves, part of it is the effing sound of the woman savoring these things one by one, but mostly it’s because the woman knows damn well what she’s paying for and keeps on coming back for more. Taps into some pretty hairy shit in regards to the depths of vanity and the depth of the human soul. It’s the least impressive from a stylistic standpoint, but succeeds as the most horrifying of the three.
Next up is Cut by Park Chan-wook, director of Oldboy (which I really need to watch again, this time without those abysmal English dubs). This one’s about a nice guy movie director that gets kidnapped by a hard-knock extra from his films and is forced to choose between strangling a child he doesn’t know or having his wife’s fingers chopped off one by one every five minutes – the kicker being that his wife’s a pianist. Extreme on a different level, somewhat Saw-esque, but also goes into that whole depth of the human soul thing.
The great thing about this segment is that it’s actually really fun; well, not so much the finger-cutting, but everything else is a blast to watch. All the credit in this regard goes to director Chan-wook’s wild directing style and ability to maintain a lighthearted tone in a life or death situation like this. It gets comical and surprisingly funny at times, but it’s a welcome sense of humor that sets it apart from the otherwise grim contrast of the other directors’ segments. Might not be as extreme as Dumplings, but is arguably the most original.
And rounding out this trifecta of messed up shit is Box by Takashi Miike. This man’s name might have raised an “Oh, fuck” eyebrow for some of you out there, and rightly so. For those who don’t know Miike-san, he’s the crazy bastard behind such J-horror family favorites as Audition and Ichi the Killer (both of which I’ll get around to reviewing soon enough). And while Box doesn’t reach the same degree of brutal sadism that Miike’s name has become synonymous with, this was the only segment that really gave me chills as I inched away from the TV screen while reminding myself, “It’s just a movie.”
Box follows a reclusive woman trying to unlock the mystery behind a recurring nightmare of hers where she finds herself being buried alive while trapped in a box. I know, vague description, but that’s kind of the appeal. You’re not really sure what the hell is going on for a while, and I’m not really sure what the hell was going on by the end either, but that actually seems to be the norm with Miike’s movies. It’s weird, but you just gotta go with it. Regardless, it’s beautifully filmed and Miike does a great job of building up the tension without throwing in cheap scares to dull the overall effect. Really impressive and truly eerie throughout.
The thing I like most about Three…Extremes is that every segment succeeds on its own and they don’t need gimmicky commonalities to tie them all together, like in the recent Trick ‘r Treat for example. Despite their running times, they’re extremely effective as horror movies and the benefit of watching them in sequence is that it gives the audience a real appreciation for each director as a unique storyteller. Three…Extremes isn’t for the weak of heart, stomach, or mind, but if you’re looking for a horror movie that starts with a bang and keeps on firing off rounds right to very end, say hello to these three crazy bastards.
And Clint Eastwood’s best acting role of all time is…
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY!
It goes without saying that Clint is the coolest mofo on the planet, and while every last one of his movies is an exercise in sheer badassery, few rival that of his turn as The Man With No Name in what just might be the best Western ever made. Think I would have voted for Bill Munny in Unforgiven or Walt Kowalski in Gran Torino, but let’s not kid ourselves, they’re all winners.
Good voting, folks.
RESULTS:
– Dirty Harry: 1 vote
– The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly: 8 votes
– The Outlaw Josey Wales: 1 vote
– Unforgiven: 4 votes
– Million Dollar Baby: 1 vote
– Gran Torino: 6 votes
– In the Line of Fire: 2 votes
– Escape From Alcatraz: 1 vote
– Other: 2 votes, both for Space Cowboys, which is very awesome.
So effing cool…
Wild Things (1998)
VERDICT:
7/10 Mean Girls
Cat fights, murder, threesomes, and Bill Murray. Sounds like a winner to me.
Wild Things is about a studly High School guidance counselor in an upscale area of Florida that gets accused of raping one of his students who also happens to be the daughter of the wealthiest woman in town…who he’s also slept with. While trying to defend his innocence, he gets accused of raping another one of his students. As you might expect, his life gets turned upside-down, but nothing is as it seems when your dealing with…WILD THINGS!
Alright, so it might not be the best movie title (I can’t get that damn Tone Loc song out of my head now) and the only reason anyone’s probably seen this movie is because of the infamous threesome scene I alluded to, but believe it or not, all those other scenes you fast-forwarded through were actually worth watching. Who knew?
It had been a while since I’d seen this and it had been a while since I’d watched a whodunit of sorts, but thanks to a suggestion by my good buddy Fred, I’m glad I gave it another shot.
So, the script here has its pros and cons. For one, it’s pretty sharp and is filled with solid twists and turns right up to the very end. Being that I could never write a script like this, it gets many a point in that regard. The characters are also pretty good, the only problem is that their dialogue isn’t all that great. With the exception of Bill Murray, everyone seems like they’re just kinda going through the motions with their lines, and for the most part that’s the writer’s fault. You’d think a hot and heavy movie like this that’s backed up by a pretty well-known cast and set to a score by George Clinton (one of the coolest men alive) would have some pretty smooth dialogue to go along with it, but alas, beggars can’t be choosers.
And I’ll just get it out of the way before every paragraph starts to inevitably lead back to this statement like it always does – Bill Murray‘s got the best role in the movie is Matt Dillon’s ambulance chasing attorney, party because he’s got the best dialogue, partly because there’s no one better to get as your comic relief, and partly because…well, he’s Bill Murray. One of those characters that you wish was in the movie more because everyone else is just so damn serious. Lighten up, guys.
Naturally, everyone else isn’t as memorable as good ol’ B.M., but they’re still pretty good. Except for Matt Dillon. He’s not very good here. He really hams it up as the guidance counselor, but I think some of that has to with the fact that he’ll always be Healy to me.
I can’t think of anything else Denise Richards has done with her career outside of her role here as the Matt Dillon’s student/rape accuser, her Bond girl stint as Christmas Jones (really?) in The World is Not Enough, and a god-awful reality TV show on E!, but something tells me she’s gonna have a pretty hard time making people forget about this one. Call it a hunch. Doesn’t have a whole lot to do with her acting abilities, but that’s just what happens when you show your boobs to the everyone on Earth.
Trust me, I know.
Kevin Bacon is also good as the cop investigating Matt Dillon’s case. Typical Kevin Bacon performance. Gets the job done and gets it done well, but that’s to be expected when you have the ultimate last name.
And Neve Campbell is pretty good as the second girl that accuses Matt Dillon of having his way with her, even though she’ll always be Sidney Prescott ’til the day she dies. A lot of good development going on with her character, probably should throw some credit to the screenwriter on this one, too.
Okay, enough about the acting, I’m rambling. The point is that I was surprised that this movie was actually good and it’s too bad that it’s only remembered for “that scene” – despite how nuts that scene may be. It gets a little slow at times, but all the plot twists and saucy liaisons kept me entertained from beginning to end.
Just one more great reason not to screw your students. Believe you me, teachers, it ain’t worth it.
Hollywood Shuffle (1987)
VERDICT:
6/10 Cattle Calls
Somewhat dated, but holds up as a sharp and original satire on a pretty brutal industry.
Hollywood Shuffle is about Bobby Taylor, a struggling actor with aspirations to become the first black Rambo or Sam Spade as he tries to make it in the cutthroat world of entertainment. But when his big break finally comes around, he has to choose between following his dreams and sacrificing his own dignity at the cost of fame.
I’d heard about this movie for a while, well, mostly through a segment on I Love the ’80s, but it wasn’t until I borrowed it from a fellow movie buff and nearly went a full six months of letting it collect dust that I felt compelled to finally give this a watch. I don’t think he’s going to be lending me any more movies.
I’ve never really seen a whole lot of other movies like this, probably because I grew up with Saturday Night Live instead of In Living Color, but don’t get me wrong, it’s still funny; it’s no Chris Farley-as-a-Chippendale’s-dancer funny, but what is? It’s got an uncommonly racy (pun intended, I guess) sense of humor and it works as a bluntly truthful behind-the-scenes look into the life of a budding actor as he comes to terms with the cost of quick fame.
The script is written by Keenen Ivory Wayans (right before becoming the brainchild of both I’m Gonna Git You Sucka and I.L.C.) and Robert Townsend (who I only really know from after school repeats of The Parent ‘Hood on the WB – anyone else remember that show?) and they really tap into a sense of humor that not a lot of screenwriters go near.
Without being any more vague that I already am, the closest thing I can compare this is Chappelle’s Show. There was this skit Dave Chappelle used to do called “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong” where someone would always screw themselves over because they were too concerned with keeping it real to care about the consequences of what they were doing. Go and YouTube it if you have no idea what I’m talking about, it’s some funny shit. Like all of Chappelle’s best skits, it works because it’s poking fun at stuff that only black people know how to poke fun at. It’s the kind of stuff that would be pulled off the air in a heartbeat if it were written by a white person, but who cares, it’s still freakin’ hilarious.
Hollywood Shuffle has that same “putting a mirror up to culture and society” vibe and it just runs with it. The white directors look like jackasses because every criticism they offer always boils down to, “That’s good, but can you be more…black,” and because that’s the stereotype that the black actors have fallen into, they play along accordingly. It ends up being a send-up of a lot of different things, from blacks, to whites, to Hollywood, to the ’80s, to how some of our most beloved movies would have turned out if they were cast with black actors. It’s not vindictive or anything, it’s very tongue-in-cheek, and there wasn’t a time where I was watching this and thought, “That is such bullshit.” And that’s pretty important with this kind of subject matter.
But at the same time, these sequences where Townsend is daydreaming about schools where classically trained black actors are taught how to act like slaves and street thugs, or what movie reviews would be like if Roger and Ebert were black, and a slew of other “What if…” situations make up a surprisingly large amount of the running time. They’re all pretty funny, but they go on too long and aren’t entertaining enough to make you forget about how much it’s breaking up the flow of the main story.
Also, I feel like black actors have come a long way since ’87. But then again, I’m not really one to talk.
This is probably one of those movies that gets better with repeated viewings and I can see myself giving it another watch some day in the distant future, but until that time, Hollywood Shuffle‘s staying at a comfortable 6. Had me smiling a lot and snickering to myself when the plot wasn’t dragging, but wasn’t the sidesplitting experience it’s been hailed as by the folks on VH1. Until the follow-up review, give it a look. Not as good as Chappelle’s Show, but I don’t think Chappelle’s Show would have even existed if it weren’t for this.
The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009)
VERDICT:
5/10 Insufficient Fares
It is what it is. Not as good as the original.
The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 is about one bad mofo that hijacks a New York City subway car and holds its passengers hostage until the city pays him ten million bucks in one hour – at which point he’ll start offing folks for every minute the money’s late – and the train dispatcher that has to deal with this jerk so that he doesn’t go on a killing spree.
Yup, just another day in New York City.
Now, I’m not the biggest fan of director Tony Scott and this most recent effort of his isn’t really doing much to sway me in his favor. The guy’s famous because he’s Ridley Scott’s brother and because he’s been churning out one generic Summer blockbuster after another almost every year for well over a decade now even though he hasn’t done anything worth noting since Crimson Tide back in ’95. But I’ve already gone on my Tony Scott rant in my Man on Fire review. The point is he hasn’t really upped his game here and still remains a hack in sheep’s clothing.
For those who haven’t seen it, the original Taking of Pelham One Two Three is a freakin’ fantastic movie. It’s a bit dated by today’s standards, but the thing it has going for it was its unusually well-written and surprisingly hilarious script. It did well to balance out the tension with a great sense of humor to keep it from getting too serious for its own good. And while the script in 1 2 3 does well to stay true to the plot line of its source material (at least for the most part), it’s desperately missing the kickass script that made the first run-around so memorable, so much so that it ends up being an Achilles’ heel of sorts for the rest of the movie as a whole.
John Travolta plays our train-jacker, Ryder, a role originally played by Robert Shaw (aka: Quint from Jaws). Shaw was awesome in the role because he didn’t show a lot of emotion, played it cool no matter what kind of shit hit the fan, and didn’t mince words or let his guard down during hostage negotiations. And while Travolta is fine here, that subtlety has gone straight out the window. Now Ryder yells a lot, is about as cool as a common street thug with a handlebar mustache, and yaks away to the dispatcher as though he were begging to be caught. Unfortunately, this script change isn’t exactly an improvement, nor was the decision to establish him as the bad guy by having him end every sentence with “MOTHERFUCKER!”
Very well played, indeed.
And Denzel Washington is fine as the train dispatcher, Walter Garber, but, once again, isn’t as good as Walter Matthau was in the role. I was talking to a stranger about Denzel on the train to work recently – one that didn’t get hijacked for a change – and she made a good point that it seems like every role Denzel takes nowadays pretty much boils down to him running around in a suit while yelling on his cell phone. Maybe it’s cause he keeps signing on to do these Tony Scott movies, but I think it’s about time Denzel upped his game and started doing more movies that allowed him to just be a badass while standing still, like Training Day 2 or something, where I guess he would be playing a zombie.
But the upside of this movie is that since the original was good, the remake manages to retain some of that magic and stay entertaining to a certain degree. Can’t say that Tony Scott’s editing choices and overall visual style still don’t confuse the hell out of me as it goes from a normal frame rate to blurry slo-mo every two seconds for no reason at all, but that’s to be expected by now. Ends up being a somewhat intense movie even though it gives away some of the outcomes from the get-go.
Oh, and Luis Guzman has a bit role as Ryder’s accomplice. So does John Turturro as the hostage negotiator. They don’t really do much to stand out or anything, but, hey, I like these guys. They’re funny dudes.
Anyway, didn’t have very high expectations for this movie, can’t say I was really disappointed as a result. Pretty forgettable experience, especially in comparison to One Two Three, but still, 1 2 3 could’ve been worse.
Take that as a compliment, Mr. Scott. You ain’t getting a whole lot of ’em from my end.
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