Ninja Assassin (2009)
VERDICT:
6/10 Overkills
An insightful and challenging think-piece that parallels the ninja arts to the reunification of Germany via the fall of the Berlin Wall at the turn of 1990s. Yeah, that’s definitely what it’s about.
But I can see how others might go into Ninja Assassin expecting it to be about an orphan who’s raised to be the ultimate killing machine, grows a conscience along the way, and inevitably makes it his life mission to kill his former sensei and all the other ninja assassins he grew up with. That or the Berlin Wall thing.
Either way, you pay to see a movie called Ninja Assassin, that’s what you’re gonna get: ninja on ninja action.
Usually this isn’t the kinda movie I’d go seek out, but sometimes that mood hits ya’ where all you really want to do for two hours is sit back, give your mind a break, and watch dudes get mutilated by guys who know thing or two about mutilatin’. So being in that state of mind, I found myself quite satisfied when the upper-half of the first victim’s noggin mysteriously disappeared in a flash of silver within the first five minutes.
The following two minutes deliver just as well, making for one insano opening scene to an already insano-titled movie, but it takes the plot a good long while to get the next scene that rivals the gory bang this sucker starts out with. There’s too many ninja training scenes with too little action, too much time trying to create some semblance of a story that really doesn’t need to be there to begin with, and, in some futile attempt to attract the ladies to this one, too much time establishing romantic subplots. But after all that crap is over with, our favorite ninja Raizo pulls out his knife-on-a-rope contraption from up there on poster and starts going to town on fools without skipping a beat right up until the end credits roll.
Atta boy, Raizo.
And as far as the action scenes are concerned, they’re pretty sweet for the most part. Think Rambo, with swords. It’s totally over the top, there’s tons of CG stuff with ninjas disintegrating into shadows and that knife chain whipping around all willy-nilly, and even though it kinda works against itself at times considering it’s just so much better when there aren’t special effects in fight scenes, man, ninjas are cool. Somehow I forgot that simple fact and I thank Ninja Assassin for reminding me of it. I feel so lame sometimes.
Raizo is also played by one utterly ripped individual named Rain (normally I’d make fun of this, but it’s usually not a good idea to make fun of people who do handstand push-ups on a bed of nails; write that one down kids). Not much of an actor, but he looks the part and can do a lot of cool flips and move really fast for long periods of time, which probably comes in handy for the guy. Point is, dude makes a good ninja assassin. Good job.
There’s not a whole lot to Ninja Assassin that you probably haven’t already figured out for yourself without my having to spell it out, and that’s a good thing in this case. It’s not a great action movie by any means, but if you wanna see a movie with lots of fake blood and a big-ass body count, you’re not gonna be misled here. A fine use of my time if I must say and a perfect escape from a world that is desperately lacking in its ninja population.
And the expected reaction when a vampire meets sunlight is…
A FIERY DEATH!
Speaks for itself, doesn’t it, folks?
RESULTS:
– …Fiery Death!: 27 votes
– …Glitter!: 2 votes
“Team Blade” FTW!
Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987)
VERDICT:
8/10 Road Trips From Hell
It’s Steve Martin and John Candy for an hour and a half. I should end the review right there.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles is about Neal Page – a curmudgeonly businessman in NYC trying to get home to his family in Chicago for Thanksgiving. In a nutshell, everything goes wrong for Neal and he ends up having to spend the next three days making his way from state to state with Del Griffiths – a jovial shower curtain ring salesman who is about as intolerable an individual as Neal can imagine.
Yeah, this one’s a bit late, but I had to give myself a refresher if I was gonna be reviewing the best Thanksgiving movie of all-time. That’s a lot of pressure right there.
I guess the best place to start is with the Neal and Del themselves. Steve Martin’s always been hilarious, John Candy’s always been hilarious, and together, they are still hilarious. Bizarre, I know. The whole Odd Couple dynamic isn’t anything new, but the conflicting personalities of these two guys not only leaves a lot of room for character development but makes Del seem that much more annoying and Neal that much more of a tight-ass. Just a fine casting choice. They both really look the part, too.
But, granted, these guys could have been given a script called Flugzeug, Lokomotive und Automobil, been forced to deliver all their lines in German, and it still would have been hilarious. Still, it doesn’t hurt that John Hughes’ script is damn funny in its own right. Hughes’ formula goes as such: “How can I make Del as aggravating as humanly possible all the while keeping him endearing and likable to everyone but Neal, how can I make Neal’s life increasingly worse over the course of three days without killing him, how many times can a single mode of transportation fail without it getting old, and how can I force these two guys to stay together without having one kill the other. Must avoid killing off Neal and Del.” Simple enough, and it ends up being a pretty effective formula at that.
This is one of those schadenfreude scripts (learned that one from Avenue Q) where a lot of the humor comes from the audience reveling in the misery of the characters on-screen. The plot just goes from one nightmare situation to the next, and even when Neal and Del aren’t together, not a single thing goes right until the very end when Neal gets home and everything gets a little heavy. And since every new scene naturally has to one-up the obstacle before it, the laughs don’t let up.
But one of the best things about Planes, Trains and Automobiles, aside from how freakin’ funny it is, is the said heavy ending. You don’t see it coming, but it’s a welcome surprise that really brings everything full-circle and adds this big heart to the story that you didn’t even know was there. That John Hughes, man. He knew how to write a script.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles is a Thanksgiving classic because it never gets old, partly because there aren’t a whole lot of movies that feature Steve Martin dropping a salvo of F-bombs on Principal Rooney’s secretary from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Lots of heart, really funny script, really funny actors, and a great bit role for Dylan Baker (aka: That Guy) as this hillbilly bastard that make for a solid 90 minutes of comic gold.
Bonus points for cameos by Kevin Bacon, Ben Stein, Michael McKean.
Home Alone (1990)
VERDICT:
7/10 Exercises in Bad Parenting
Gee whiz, child neglect has never been so much fun.
Home Alone is about an eight-year-old kid in Chicago whose family forgets his existence entirely when they all head out on their Christmas vacation to France and leave little Kevin McAllister at home by himself. He matures from brat to adolescent, eats lots of ice cream, watches R-rated movies, and fights off grown men that are trying to kill him.
Oh yeah, and apparently he says, “HOLY COW!” at some point or another. Can’t forget about that.
It was inevitable that I’d get around to reviewing this sooner or later being that there’s apparently some sort of TV alliance that decrees Home Alone be played on the hour, every hour, on every station from Thanksgiving through the end of January each year. This movie is utterly inescapable for anyone that isn’t Amish, but lucky for us electricity-usin’ folk, it’s also pretty funny every time.
Home Alone is a strange blend of adult and kiddie humor, which is probably why it freakin’ destroyed at the box office and subsequently doomed Macaulay Culkin to a life of obscurity – kid could cure cancer and people would still be asking him to make that face on the poster. This interesting mix works for the most part and does a good job of appealing to toddlers and fogies alike, but sometimes it misses the mark. The one scene I always find myself coming back to is when Kevin zip-lines over to his tree house, Daniel Stern looks out the window, doesn’t see Kevin, and proceeds to ask the peculiar question, “Do you think he committed suicide?”
Anyone else catch that?
Maybe a little too dark that time, John Hughes.
In the long run, the whole plot line is pretty much a set-up for the final showdown between Kevin and the robbers, and even though a lot of that time is spent with Kevin just screwing around at home and tossing the joint, it’s all pretty entertaining. It’s fun being home alone, it’s fun watching kids do adult things. Just fun stuff all around.
But still, I’ve got some issues with this movie, none of which weigh into the rating I gave it (because typically I can’t stand it when people nitpick about movies like I’m about to do). So here it goes:
– This Kevin kid seems pretty smart. He sets up a lot of effective traps that I never would have thought of if I were in his shoes. Kinda strange considering he’s stupid enough to not just call the cops as soon as he overhears The Wet Bandits say, “Let’s go rob that kid’s house at 9 O’CLOCK!” Some may say this Kevin was a brave child, I find him to be quite the idiot in this regard.
– Kevin has that bonding session in the church with the creepy old man next door right before he sets up all his little boobytraps. Call me crazy, but this might be a perfect opportunity to maybe let Grandpa Time in on the whole break-in/potential child homicide that’s going down at his house later on that night. If I were a betting man, that Grandpa Time looks like the type who sleeps with a big ol’ gun under his pillow. Flying paint cans, my ass.
– Kevin’s mom spends a lot of time and effort trying to get back home to Kevin, yet not once does she resort to renting a car. Odd.
– Why didn’t Kevin’s mom just stay with the rest of the family instead of trying to book it back to Chicago? They all walk right through the front door five minutes after she does. Man, she must have felt stupid.
– Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci would be paralyzed from the neck down before they even reached the front/back door.
But then again, that’s not the point of Home Alone. Without these flaws you wouldn’t have a movie to begin with. After all, the best part is finally getting to see Stern and Pesci get the Three Stooges treatment at the hands of a child. Those fifteen/twenty minutes still crack me up and are enough to garner a 7 out of 10 on their own.
It’s not John Hughes’ best script, director Chris Columbus gets it done, the acting is fine – a solid John Candy cameo always helps the cause – and it’s got enough heart to keep it from being cheesy as all hell. Look, Home Alone‘s a Christmas classic. One of those things I can’t help but like.
True story: First time I saw this in theaters, ran right out of the theater screaming my head off the moment Kevin put that tarantula on Daniel Stern’s face. Good times.
And what ever happened to Daniel Stern? I liked him.
That Thing You Do! (1996)
VERDICT:
7/10 Future VH1 Posterboys
13 years later and that song is still catchy as hell.
That Thing You Do! is about four guys in ’64 that start a band in their garage called The Oneders (pronounced “1”-ders – it’s a running gag). Anyway, they write a hit song, the country goes freakin’ crazy for it, they get signed by a big-time label, and as The Proclaimers can probably tell you, things get complicated as they try to break out from their notoriety as the band behind America’s favorite one-hit wonder.
Pretty cool idea for Tom Hanks’ first writing/directing effort. Come on, who doesn’t like one-hit wonders? The Proclaimers freakin’ RULE!
It had been a while since I’d seen this, but That Thing Yo Do! is one of those movies I always find myself happy to revisit. Maybe it’s a nostalgia thing since my Dad bought the soundtrack and, fittingly, all we did was listen to that awesome song over and over, completely ignoring the rest of the album, but this is just a feel-good movie in it’s own right that’s hard not to like if only for the song.
But that’s the funny thing about this movie, it all goes back to the song. It’s the best part of the movie, and even though Hanks does a lot of other things right, they all kinda get overshadowed in the long run.
Then again, one thing I do love about this is that the drummer is the main focus of the band. Tom Everett Scott is totally sweet as Shades. He’s a good character in general and both he and Hanks do a fine job of finally showing the world how cool drummers and drumming actually are. It’s about damn time. Damn singers and guitarists getting all the credit…
Steve Zahn is also great as the lead guitarist (its beyond me how this guy isn’t more mainstream by now, dude is hilarious). Man, there’s a million people in this movie. Liv Tyler as the lead singer’s girlfriend, Ethan Embry as the bass player (appropriately named T.B. Player), Tom Hanks as the band’s manager, Rita Wilson as a waitress, Charlize Theron as Shades’ girlfriend, Giovanni Ribisi as the band’s first drummer, Clint Howard as a radio deejay (Clint Howard rules), Colin Hanks for five seconds, Chris Isaak for ten seconds, Kevin Pollack for fifteen seconds, and I’m sure there’s about fifty other people I’m forgetting. Might not be a selling point or anything, but hey, I thought it was cool. That Tom Hanks sure does get around.
But like I said, Tom Hanks’ big problem is that he made that song too damn good. His directing is fine, the script is fine, but nothing else really stands out like that hit single. It’s an interesting story and Hanks probably has the best lines of the movie, but by the time credits roll, the only thing you’re gonna be doing is playing air drums to “That Thing You Do!”
The funny thing is that there’s a couple other good songs on this soundtrack based on the tracks The Oneders play in the movie that aren’t their big hit, but I guess that’s the whole point, and it works. After all, does anyone know any other songs by The Proclaimers? I’m sure they’re there, but that’s what I’m sayin’.
But alas, minor faults and all, That Thing You Do! is a fun trip with a great premise. Been whistling that song to myself the whole time I’ve been writing this and there’s no way you won’t be following suit after all is said and done.
That Tom Hanks…what a guy.
Happy Thanksgiving, folks!
The Godfather (1972)
VERDICT:
10/10 Bloody Cannolis
Might just the greatest movie ever made and still holds up as the best in the trilogy.
The Godfather is about clean-cut war hero Michael Corleone – of the Corleone mafia family – who returns home only to find himself getting his hands dirty after an attempt is made on his father’s life by a rival family.
Couldn’t really think of a fitting Thanksgiving movie to write about considering I haven’t seen Planes, Trains and Automobiles in ages, but since I feel like AMC is inevitably going to have a Godfather marathon going today, this’ll do.
This is one of those situations where I probably won’t have much to say because there’s only so much you can write about something that’s near-perfect. With that being said, here it goes.
For starters, the acting’s phenomenal. Marlon Brando – who had already established himself as one of the greatest actors of all-time – in what might be the greatest role of his career as Don Vito Corleone. Won the Oscar for it, no one was surprised. Al Pacino in his break-out role as Michael Corleone – one of the few times where he rocks it without going “HOO-WAAH!” all over everyone’s ass. A nice change of pace for Al.
Robert Duvall, James Caan, Talia Shire, Abe Vigoda, and a slew of other side characters that are all great and just as memorable as the next. I could go on, but for fear of dragging on like a bastard, just trust me, everyone here is out of sight.
But the reason I like this movie far more than its sequels (not counting Part III, no one counts Part III) is because Coppola makes this movie about family that happens to be in the mafia, rather than the other way around. Yeah, a lot of people get whacked here – which isn’t all too family-like – but you also really get the sense that these Corleones legitimately care for each other. Sonny protecting his sister from getting her ass whupped, Michael moving his father’s hospital bed, Vito trying to keep Michael out of the family’s affairs, Michael’s entire character arc – every time the Corleone’s make a move, they’re doing it for the good of their family, and that’s something you don’t really get in Part II, at least not in Michael’s story. There’s such great development here for every single character that it doesn’t take long for you to get connected and feel like a part of the family yourself – another thing you don’t really get in Part II, at least not in Michael’s story.
Another thing worth noting is that all the violence and the shock factor this movie had going for it back in ’72 still holds up impressively well today. The horse’s head, Michael’s shootout in the restaurant, Sonny at the toll booth, the legendary baptism montage – there’s a lot of ’em (and they all kick ass). I feel like a lot of movies that made people gasp in the ’70s don’t really have the same effect today as they did back then, but somehow The Godfather managed to change all that and will probably still have people going “Good lord!” for years to come while still feeling totally authentic. Well done.
Look, if you haven’t seen The Godfather, you really don’t know what you’re missing. The script is practically perfect on every front. The dialogue is quotable beyond belief and the plot line is only complemented by the flawless pace-setting that Coppola moves it along. The acting – timeless. The directing – incredible. And, man, just such a great, complex, and entertaining story that makes three hours go by in a flash.
Not sure that it’s my favorite movie of all-time, but its easily in the top 3 and it might just be the closest thing to a perfect movie you’re going to find.
The Departed (2006)
VERDICT:
7/10 Cahs Pahked in Hahvahd Yahd
I’m well aware of the heat I might be catching for this one, but this was not the best movie of ’06. Letters From Iwo Jima got robbed.
The Departed is about two moles: one’s a Boston cop who finds himself deep undercover as the right-hand man to a kingpin in the Irish mob, the other’s a member of the said Irish mob who finds himself deep undercover in the upper-ranks of the Boston police force. One is trying to take down the mob from the inside out, the other is trying to protect the mob from the outside in, and both are trying to get each other killed so they can do their damn job.
Pretty crazy stuff.
It’s all based pretty closely off a Chinese movie called Infernal Affairs that came out in ’02, only this time there’s cell phones and text messaging instead of lame-ass morse code – Neat! But if you haven’t seen it, give it a whirl. The plot is better in a lot of ways even if the script isn’t as strong in others.
Anyway, let’s start with the good then move our way down.
If there’s one Oscar this movie did deserve – and one painfully patient individual who deserved it even more – it was for directing. It might not be his best movie (I smell a weekly poll…) but if there’s anyone out there who knows how to make crime thrillers look good to both movie geeks and Joe the plumber, it’s Martin Scorsese. There’s a lot going on in this movie and Scorsese does one hell of a job of keeping his audience’s attention from start to finish all the while infusing it with his signature style that you can’t take your eyes off of. This is one of those movies that’s good to go back and watch a second time around just to pick up on the directorial flair and subtleties that helped win this guy the Oscar. It had been a while since he’d done something I liked, but come on, it’s Martin Scorsese. Dude’s a legend.
And does anyone remember those scenes where there’d be this long shot of Matt Damon or Leo and the whole screen would zoom in black until it just looked like you were seeing them through a peephole? Still trying to figure out the meaning behind that, but hey, still dug it.
Unfortunately, everything else kinda has a double-edged sword it.
The acting here is pretty damn good for the most part, but there were still some performances that I’m not too big on. You know what, Jack Nicholson was one mean bastard as Irish mob boss Frank Costello. It’s too bad he had to make that damn rat face and start ad-libbing all over the place (you know what scene I’m talking about), because if it weren’t for that, he would have gotten a lot more praise. All the same, it’s no skin off his back. Jack Nicholson’s the man, what else is there to say?
Matt Damon’s actually pretty solid as Costello’s mole; well, he’s been pretty solid ever since he took on Jason Bourne. So way to go, Matt. But I’m sorry, folks, Leo still isn’t doing it for me. Yeah, he’s all serious and shit now, but he could afford to tone it down a bit. I already went off on about this in my Revolutionary Road review, so I’m gonna try not to dwell on this. It’s not that he’s a bad actor by any means, I just think he’s getting a lot more credit than he’s due right now. Yes, he’s come a long way since Jack, but the guy is still overacting like a mofo and he can’t pull off a Boston accent for his life. I couldn’t believe it when I heard him talking like that again in the Shutter Island trailer (which actually looks pretty good). I don’t know, maybe it’s me.
And am I just crazy or is there anyone else out there who thinks that the two best performances here were from Mark Wahlberg and Alec Baldwin? Not only did these guys have the best lines but they were arguably the coolest characters in the movie, too. These were the two actors I found myself talking about every time this movie came up in conversation, and while Marky Mark didn’t deserve the Oscar either, I’m glad he got a nod at least.
Martin Sheen‘s also good, but Martin Sheen’s always good.
The other pro and con here is the script. For the most part, the script kicks ass. It’s a really impressive adaptation with lots of great, sharp dialogue, it keeps the suspense up for the entire duration, and it’s jam-packed with very well-written characters. There’s really not much you can knock it for…except for one thing: the last 15 minutes of the movie.
Honestly, what the fuck was that about?
Up until the point where the shit hits the fan at 100 mph, I was really digging this movie. Man, I about laughed out loud in the theater by the time the final scene was over. Without giving it away (at least I hope I’m not), I just couldn’t believe that all the time this movie spent building up these characters and their circumstances was essentially just tossed to the wind in one fell swoop. Just a bad way to end a movie, dare I say it was a cop-out.
But flaws aside, The Departed is still a good movie. It does a lot of things right, it’s a wild story, it’s a great return to form for Scorsese, and since the guy’s got one swell taste in music, there’s a fantastic soundtrack here to boot (even if everyone is sick and tired of that “…AND I LOST MY LEG!” song by the Dropkick Murphys). Might not have been my #1 pick for ’06, might not have even been in my top five, but I can see why I might be in the minority here.
And the discussion board is now open…
Not Quite Hollywood (2008)
VERDICT:
7/10 Vegemite Sandwiches
Just one more reason why I need to get off my ass and make my own damn movie already.
Not Quite Hollywood is a documentary about the revolutionary Australian genre exploitation movies that came to rise in the 1960s but never quite made it to the big time and have since been all but forgotten. This isn’t Baz Luhrman and Peter Weir we’re talking about, this is gratuitous sexploitation romps, grisly C-grade horror movies drenched in karo syrup, and some of the most badass car chase action movies you’re likely to ever see.
It’s a pretty fitting title for one utterly insane look back at a whole slew of groundbreaking movies that Hollywood wouldn’t even go near, not even by today’s standards. Chances are you’re in the same boat as me and haven’t heard of 99% percent of these movies outside of Mad Max, but that doesn’t matter, because if things go according to plan, you might just find yourself with pen and paper in hand ready to write the names of these suckers down.
Then again, I can see how this one might not necessarily go according to plan for a lot of people out there. Not only is this a movie about movies you’ve never heard of, but it’s only really catering to all us cinephiles/nerds in the audience as it more or less boils down to people talking about movies for two hours. And while those are two hours I’d gladly spend, I’m not gonna delude myself into believing that this is gonna convert anyone that’s not already part of the congregation.
So for all you out there who are still reading and still interested, here’s what the movie breaks down to.
Not Quite Hollywood is split up into three sections that all provide the audience with a look into what was really going down in Australia when the rest of thought it was all boxing kangaroos and dingoes eating babies.
The first part covers the whole sexploitation genre, and who knew those Aussie’s were such horny bastards. Can’t say that I’ve ever seen such a constant barrage of full-frontal nudity in a movie before, so much so that it could easily pass for softcore porn after a while, so…way to go, Australia, I guess. It gets to be a little much after a while as it’s not exactly glorifying the female body as it is exploiting it, but, man, times were different back then. Pretty interesting in light of the Australian censors nowadays, something that could be said for the next two sections as well.
The second and third parts focus on the horror and action genres. The horror stuff has this early Sam Raimi vibe to it, and even though there’s not a whole lot going for this section, it’s interesting to look at these movies in contrast to what America was putting out at the time. But the action genre…wow. If you’ve seen Mad Max, you’ll understand what I mean. They still don’t make car chases like the Australians did back then, and boy howdy do they stand the test of time. No special effects, overtly dangerous camera angles, complete disregard for personal safety, tons of destruction, super high-octane, and enough badassery to go around to make Vin Diesel piss himself running. Fast and furious my ass.
It’s all really interesting for the most part and some of the commentary had me laughing out loud, but after a while it gets to be a little overwhelming. There’s a lot going on with these movies and in between trying to catch what everyone is saying and the total overstimulation of it all, Not Quite Hollywood sort of ends up being its own worst enemy. And some of us can only listen to people talk about B-movies like they’re golden oldies for oh so long.
Recently I read an interview with one Rob Zombie where he said that Hollywood has turned into a “scared town” that is too afraid to back original movies in lieu of financing another shitty remake that’s going to be box office gold. And you know, Rob is right. As someone who’s had it up to here with all the bullshit that gets released in theaters nowadays just because a frightening amount of people are more than ready to dish out their money on movies that fucking suck, I take a look back on the movies showcased here in Not Quite Hollywood and I think, “What the hell happened?”
Sorry if I’m going off on a bit of a tangent here, but this is one of those movies that gets you thinking, primarily about how ridiculous the so-called “limitations” are that have been put on amateur and veteran filmmakers alike by the producers who only have eyes for the Benjamins. It’s very fitting that Quentin Tarantino is one of the main commentators here, because this is a guy that truly loves movies regardless of their budget and is living proof that you can make effing great movies as long as you just go out and do it.
To say that movies in general have changed a good deal over the course of 40 or 50 years is one disheartening understatement. This is a celebration of filmmakers who had balls, of guys who just went out there and did it regardless of their budget, of movies that are unabashedly lewd, horribly gory, and unanimously crazy, and considering how much green the new Transformers sequel raked in this year, these are indeed qualities to be celebrated. Not Quite Hollywood isn’t for everyone, and sorry for the long review, but if you’re a total movie geek like me and are interested in this kinda stuff, it might just be right up your alley.
Good on ya’!
And the best Rocky movie is…
ROCKY!
Probably should have seen this one coming, but since I’ve got a soft spot for Clubber Lang, epic training montages, and Rocky single-handedly defeating Communism, figured it was worth a shot.
Good voting all around.
RESULTS:
Rocky: 13 votes
Rocky II: 1 vote
Rocky III: 2 votes (no love for the T.)
Rocky IV: 6 votes
Rocky V: 5 votes (a mind-boggling amount of love for Tommy Gunn)
Rocky Balboa: 1 vote (actually wasn’t half bad)
Egg milkshakes for everyone!
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 
