Oblivion (2013)
VERDICT:
4/10 Omega Men
Well that was surprisingly familiar.
Oblivion takes place 60 years after we fought back the aliens who invaded our planet. Though we ultimately won the war, countless lives were lost and the Earth was left a radioactive wasteland. As for the survivors, they decided it was as good a time as any to jump ship and started a new life over on Titan, the sixth moon of Saturn. Back on Earth, one man with a mean case of amnesia serves as a maintenance crew of sorts for some space-age mega-structures that are turning our oceans into fuel for future use on Titan. It’d be a pretty easy gig if it weren’t for the leftover aliens (or “scavs” as they’re called) that keep sabotaging things, but our guy’s up for the challenge. But the more time that passes, the smarter these scavs become. Before he knows it, his simple job ain’t so simple anymore, and as his memory starts to return, his world begins to change.
If this is all sounding a little familiar, then go to the front of the class and give yourself a gold star, friend. Because as intriguing as this all may sound and as purdy as these screen grabs may be, I’ve been having a hard time thinking back on Oblivion without thinking about the movies it reminds me of. So for any of you who are the least bit familiar with some of the all-time sci-fi greats, then prepare yourself for a some déjà vu. We’ve got a Frankenscript on our hands.
“A Frankenscript?!” you scream, the blood rushing from your face. That’s right, little Johnny, and you’d best get to hiding yo’ kids and hiding yo’ wife if you know what’s good for ya’.
If all this is stuff coming as news (being that I just invented it and all), a Frankenscript is a bastard, a lesser child born from icons that came before it. It’s a greatest hits record, one that just doesn’t cut it in comparison to the original albums. It’s like Nevermind compared to that piece of crap that came out in ’02. You get the idea, and it’s a sorry situation alright, terrifying even. But before we form a posse and start killing it with fire, let’s at least take a step back to appreciate the few merits of its existence.
Now, I don’t know how the masses feel on the matter, but I dug TRON: Legacy quite a bit. It was Joseph Kosinski’s first feature-length effort, it had the weight of the nerd world riding on its shoulders, and depending on who you ask, it lived up to the hype. Sure, the script got a little ahead of itself at times, but damn if it wasn’t some good old-fashioned neon fun. Anyhow, it didn’t take much for Koskinski to win me over and it was his involvement in Oblivion that got me interested in the first place.
From a visual standpoint, it’s hard to deny how slick the art direction is here even if it does borrow a lot from TRON and even if it pales in comparison. The difference is that he built a full-fledged digital universe in TRON, where as this is driven more by style points than anything else. Still, from the weapons to the outfits, the vehicles to the architecture, Kosinki’s designs are both easy on the eyes and about the only things that make this bad boy feel new. Wish I could say the same thing about the underwhelming action scenes, but that’s what you get when all your bad guys are carbon copies of lifeless drones.
I guess the only other defense I’ve got is that, as painfully derivative as it is, I was still invested enough to see how everything played out. Then again, when your whole is shrouded in mystery like this, it’s less of a compliment earned than one that inevitably comes with the territory.
Yeesh, as far as defenses go, that one was pretty bad. So without further ado, let’s break out the pitchforks and get to the prosecution!
First off, no one expects every movie they see to be utterly original from head to toe. That’s just crazy, that’s just impossible, and if Quentin Tarantino has taught us anything over the years, it’s that Marcellus Wallace is not, I repeat, not a bitch, and that amazing things can happen when you borrow from other movies. Furthermore, the problem with Oblivion isn’t that it’s unoriginal, it’s just that it doesn’t do enough with the material it borrows from to make the end result feel unique. I can only imagine that the thought process behind this was to take all the best aspects from a handful of classics, mix ’em all together and hope that it t tasted like goddamn parfait.
Oh, and give it a cool name! Gotta give it a cool name.
It’s actually not a terrible idea from the outset, after all, I done bought a ticket and I done took the ride. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before everything just became…vapid. For example, you ever meet someone who’s absolutely gorgeous, I’m talking “Abercrombie gorgeous,” the kind of person you just gravitate towards based solely on their looks and how they carry themselves? You know who I’m talking about, and if you’re courageous enough, you might even introduce yourself to them. You smile, they smile, you say “Hi,” and then they speak. And just like that, nonsense hits your ears, their dead eyes come into focus, and before you know it, your worldview is shattered.
That, in a nutshell, is the makeup of Oblivion: an Abercrombie body with a Frankenscript personality.
Oh yes, everything is not as it seems in Oblivion, but the sad reality is that for every big reveal that it throws our way, it just doesn’t have the substance or character to support it. Despite my interest in watching the truths come to light, I couldn’t have cared less about the hero of our story or even the truths themselves once the layers were peeled back. Not only that, but the way this story is plotted and approached is nothing short of bizzare.
I hated Tom’s opening narration that simply spells out everything we need to know about him and the world as he knows it. For a movie that’s so hellbent on keeping us guessing, why would you just give us the 411 like that? For chrissakes, don’t tell us what’s up, show us what’s up and let us piece the puzzle together on our own. We moviegoing folk are smarter than you give us credit for, and don’t just overcomplicate your plot for the sake of overcomplicating it. It just makes everything look sloppier than it already is.
And I am so effing tired of amnesic protagonists. What a lazy-ass gimmick to keep an audience in the dark, one that even the almighty Maverick couldn’t help me look past. Also not sure where all this praise for Tom Cruise is coming from because the dude is just fine, nothing more. It’s no Collateral, I’ll tell you that much.
Also, last thing: way to give one of your characters one of the worst parting lines since the glory days of Schwarzenegger. Just wait for it, it is horrendous.
I wish I had better news to report, but that’s really the long and short of it. Then again, let’s not forget that it does have its merits. At the very least it’ll keep you watching, and I imagine that’ll quite a long way for a lot of folks. However, if you haven’t seen any of the sci-fi classics that this movie reeks of, then the way I see it is that you’re left with two options. The first is to go see Oblivion and get your brain sufficiently blown every step of the way. It will be awesome, you’ll think I’m crazy, it’ll be a point of contention between us for years to come. The second option (the one that I would recommend) is that you do the right thing and go watch Planet of the Apes, Moon and 2001: A Space Odyssey. I know, I know, it’s three times the investment, but the last thing I’d want to happen is to have the genuine article sullied by an imitator.
It’s really a shame that Oblivion‘s writers didn’t try harder to give us a story of substance after all the grand theft cinema it so blatantly commits, because there was certainly no shortage of material to work with. It really could have been fulfilling, it really could have been something special. After all, the world is a better place with more sci-fi classics to choose from.
But alas, the search continues…
It’s a Disaster (2013)
VERDICT:
5/10 Last Meals
Quite the fitting title at times.
It’s a Disaster is about a group of friends who all get together for couples brunch on one fateful Sunday. Some of them are just dating, some of them are married and some are on the verge of divorce. As the morning progresses, things start coming to head, and just as the bubble’s about to burst, the neighbor drops by in his HazMat suit to borrow some batteries. Turns out, some dirty bombs got dropped on nearby San Fran and the lethal gases are making their way over to the neighborhood. Suddenly faced with their fleeting mortality, the friends hole up and try figure out what to do with their final hours.
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like we’ve got a fair number of apocalypse comedies on the horizon this year. I don’t really know why that is, perhaps there’s a memo going around. Whatever the reason, this struck me as different. As much as I’m looking forward to This is the End and The World’s End in particular, I can’t help but feel like they sound and look awfully similar in a lot of ways. A bunch of friends realize that the world’s on borrowed time, so they hit the streets where chaos and hilarity ensue. The difference here is that, 1) the budget’s a whole lot smaller, and 2) the scale’s a whole lot smaller.
It’s kinda like No Exit starring David Cross, and that in itself is a fine way to start. Plus, if I had to choose the last place I’d want to be when the world came to an end, a couples brunch with some fake-ass people would be awfully high up on the list. In theory, it’s quite inspired, but in practice, therein lies the strength and weakness of this movie: having to spend 90 minutes with some fake-ass people during couples brunch.
I’ve been having a lot of trouble trying to pinpoint what it was about these people that drove me so-effing-nuts for roughly two-thirds of this movie’s duration, and the resolution I’ve come to is that they aren’t real people to begin with. Their personalities are forced, their interactions are forced, and their dialogue is so forced that they might as well have been choking on it. Whether it’s one guy who makes Dwight Schrute seem like a man of reason or one girl who acts like the world is a goddamn rave, they are caricatures, they are ridiculous, and they are infuriating to be around. Don’t get me wrong, the intentions are good and I can see how it could have worked, much in the same way that these other apocalypse comedies are (hopefully) going to work. But thanks to a continually irritating script that made for even more irritating characters, all I wanted was to break through that fourth wall, brick some windows and let that nerve gas work its magic.
Never a good sign, and it’s really too bad.
Then again, maybe it’s just me, maybe this just ain’t my brand of humor. To me, it felt more like Broadway humor than movie humor, and with the exception of maybe Spamalot, Broadway humor has never done the trick. One can only handle so many running gags driven by miscommunication and wacky situations before his interest wanes to nonexistence. Remember that painful scene in Lucky Number Slevin where Josh Hartnett and Bubba Blue start arguing over grammar and whatnot? That’s what I’m talking about, and that’s not my thing. ‘Cause let me tell ya’, folks, by the time this script makes its tenth joke about the right way to pronounce “duct tape,” the reckoning couldn’t show up fast enough.
However, there are two silver linings to this sorry situation, the first of which is David Cross.
Now, the thing that sets David’s character apart is that he’s a newcomer to the crowd. This is his third date with Julia Stiles’ character (what the hell has she been up to lately?) and he’s just trying to make a good impression by being his normal self. As a result, he winds up being the only believable one of the bunch, the only one who isn’t chewing up the scenery like a dog to peanut butter. Not only that, but he’s just operating on a whole ‘nother level when it comes to comedic timing and delivery, so much so that whenever he’s on screen the script and his co-stars all noticeably benefit from his presence. Man, the perks of casting David Cross here are so numerous that I can’t help but wonder why he wasn’t in the spotlight from start to finish? Thanks to him, we are blessed with a much-needed respite from the intolerable monotony of watching miserable white people act like miserable white people, and it’s a gift that keeps on giving.
The other silver lining was actually quite surprising, and one that has me torn over whether this deserves a higher Verdict.
Despite how unpleasant I found the first two Acts of this picture, the final Act is quite good. Really quite good, actually. Whereas the first hour is basically driven by a shit sense of humor and these sucky characters being their sucky selves, the last half-hour gets to the meat of the script that I’d been waiting to be served from the get-go. Eventually, the characters stop wallowing in their imminent demise and start taking stock of those around them, and everything just gets better.
I’m not kidding, the shift in overall quality from the first hour to the last half-hour is actually mind-boggling in its disparity, but damn if it isn’t a welcome shift at that. For some reason, it decides to stop laying it on so heavy with the laughs and instead gives each of these caricatures time to mellow out, develop and blossom into some bonafide human beings that I could sympathize with, even care about. Suddenly, everyone’s on the same page with David Cross in regards to both credibility and comedic chops. Suddenly, I was interested.
Granted, it was only a matter of time before the plot progressed from everyone freaking out to everyone making up, I just was not expecting it to make such a broad impact on so many other aspects in turn. Man, I don’t know what Todd Berger started smoking when he wrote the last 30 pages of this script, but that stuff worked like gangbusters right on through to the end credits. If only he had gotten hold of that ish sooner…
With all that being said, I do feel kinda bad for giving It’s a Disaster such a ho-hum Verdict. Even if I could have done without that first hour, that final Act is a keeper and I can’t help but appreciate such an indie take on the apocalypse. It’s also hard to knock a comedy like this because the issue isn’t that it’s not funny, it’s that I didn’t find it funny. I’ve seen Caddyshack 2, I know an unfunny movie when I see one. This is not one of those movies and I wouldn’t knock anyone if they found it to be a gosh darn knee-slapper. So on that note, take this subjective review for what it is and don’t let it deter you if you’re the least bit interested.
Because remember, dear readers, different strokes are for different folks.
To the Wonder (2013)
VERDICT:
4/10 Broken Commitments
So this is how the masses felt after The Tree of Life.
To the Wonder is about an American man and a Ukrainian woman who fall for each other at Mont St. Michel, so much so that he asks her and her daughter to live with him in back in the States. So they move to Oklahoma where life is a lot more boring, and before long, they find themselves falling out of love. She and her daughter eventually move back to Europe while he begins developing feelings for a local woman he once knew in his youth. Next thing you know, the Ukrainian gal is moving back in as they try to give it another go. All the while, a local priest tries to rekindle his own relationship with God, and that ain’t going too well either.
Sounds like a Terrence Malick movie alright.
Folks, I don’t even really talk about it in anymore, but believe it or not, I liked The Tree of Life. Once upon a time I would have said that I really liked it, but alas, it just never got any easier to defend those goddamn velociraptors. And while everyone is more than entitled to their own opinions on the matter, the fact remains that I’m still quite fond of it even after all we’ve been through. It’s still difficult to explain why I like it without alienating myself and sounding like a full-blown movie snob in the process, but what sticks with me most are all the ways in which it was so wonderfully different from anything else I’d seen in recent memory. It managed to accomplish something that was both larger than life and universally human, and it was special, dinosaurs and all.
And while the upside of To the Wonder is that there isn’t a prehistoric predator in sight, the downside of To the Wonder is that it has the same lofty ambitions. As you’ve likely gathered from the Verdict up there, the results aren’t quite as successful.
Whereas Malick’s last movie was about, well, everything really, the main focus of To the Wonder is that of love and all its mysteries. Then again, don’t quote me on that, because no two viewings are alike when it comes to these Malick pictures. Either way, anyone who’s ever been in or out of love can tell you that this sucker has no shortage of material to work with.
After all, love is a pretty mysterious thing, one that even history’s greatest wordsmiths haven’t been able to describe with true clarity. And when this story starts out, love is all around, love is contagious, love is simple. It’ll make you uproot your life without thinking twice, it turns men in fathers, girls into daughters, lovers into something more. It’s undeniable, it’s uncontrollable and the thought of it disappearing never crosses your little mind. This is how it always starts.
Unfortunately, the good times don’t last for long in this story as much of it is spent meditating on the bitter side of what was initially so sweet. What starts as a story about “Yes!” eventually becomes a story about “Why?” As in, “Why do people stay in failing relationships?” and “Why do people fall out of love?” The double-edged sword of these questions is that as relatable and timeless as they are, they are questions without answers.
And I don’t mind that, as I wasn’t expecting Terrence Malick to suddenly drop the knowledge that our bleeding hearts have been searching for all this time. After all, it’s only natural to want to explore that which can’t be explained and it probably would have been worse if it were answers that he started providing. But what I do mind is how he goes about his exploration, painting us a constant reminder that the J. Geils Band was right all along, that love does in fact stink.
If you haven’t experienced it in some form or fashion, count your blessings, because watching someone you care about fall for someone that doesn’t deserve them is just torture. All you want to do is shake ’em around and hope they come to such an obvious realization, but since you don’t want to risk losing a friendship, you bite your tongue and hope for the best. Oh yes, it sucks. But even if you haven’t experience it on a personal level, it can still be awfully infuriating. Take Chris Brown and Rihanna for instance. These are two people I ordinarily wouldn’t care less about, but the fact that they’re still together after what he did to her is enough to make my blood boil. Not to say that the relationship between the two leads in To the Wonder is at all comparable to that of the world’s worst role models since Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher, it’s just that it sucks to watch.
By and large, this is what To the Wonder is driven by: me, helplessly watching on as two people I didn’t care about kept leaving and returning to their increasingly toxic relationship. Not only that, but I also got to helplessly watch on as a priest tried to salvage his relationship with God in light of the pain and suffering of those around him. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t get any answers either. I get the connection between the stories and it’s an inspired (albeit inconsequential) one at that, I just wish there had been more substance to support the style.
As the trailer will show you, not only does To the Wonder deal with a lot of the same grandiose themes as The Tree of Life, but it also bears an awfully strong visual resemblance. Same sweeping cinematography, lots of similar imagery and there are times when it’s enough to make you drool on your shirt. The one big difference is that The Tree of Life was more about the man behind the camera than the people in front of it. That much was clear from the start and made it that much easier to forgive the lack of character development along the way. To the Wonder, on the other hand, is all about the people in front of the camera, only the formula hasn’t adjusted. As a result, I felt like I barely got to know these people, and even after witnessing their ups and downs with one another, they were still strangers to me by the end of two hours.
I don’t need to know everything that’s going through their minds, I don’t need to know anything about them for that matter. However, it would have been nice to see them portrayed as real people going through real crises rather than placeholders with voice-overs. You look at something like Badlands, a movie that revolved around two utterly fascinating characters and features some of the most striking visuals you’ll ever see, and I can’t help but long for more. It’s just hard to appreciate the way Malick approached this movie as it only serves to detract from what could have been an achingly human story. As a result, it left me bored, frustrated and frequently uninterested, and that’s just bad business.
I just wish I had felt something for these characters, even if that something was a firm disliking towards them. Make my blood boil, make me want to scream, because the last thing I ever want to feel in a story like this is numb. But so it goes.
Oh, well.
By now it should go without saying that if you didn’t dig The Tree of Life, you won’t be digging To the Wonder. But as someone who digs the hell out of Terrence Malick, it was disappointing to discover something so terribly muddled and repetitive beneath such an absolutely gorgeous surface. Bully to Malick for aiming high, bully to Malick for doing his thing, but if there’s anything at all that I’ve taken away, it’s that there’s something to be said for getting back to basics. Love may stink, love may be mystery, but regardless of what it is, it should at least feel alive.
Can’t win ’em all, Terry. Can’t win ’em all.
And the best Steven Soderbergh movie IS…
OCEAN’S ELEVEN!
Nothing against Clooney & Co. and nothing against you fabulous boys and girls, but I gotta say I’m a little surprised by this one. Ain’t exactly why I’m bummed about his “early retirement,” then again, a good time was obviously had by all. So on that note, well done, Steven. And for that matter, swell voting, folks.
We’ll miss ya’, buddy. Please come back to us.
RESULTS:
– Ocean’s Eleven: 8 votes
– Traffic: 7 votes
– Out of Sight: 6 votes (robbed, I say!)
– Erin Brockovich: 3 votes
– The Informant!: 3 votes
– Solaris: 2 votes
– Contagion: 2 votes
– Haywire: 2 votes
– Side Effects: 1 vote
– The Limey: 1 vote (I really need to see that again)
– The Girlfriend Experience: 1 vote
– sex, lies, and videotape: 0 votes (where is the love, people?)
– Schizopolis: 0 votes
– Che: 0 votes
– King of the Hill: 0 votes (anyone actually seen this? keep hearing good things)
No (2013)
VERDICT:
8/10 Coup Campaigns
Funny how little has changed after 25 years.
The time is 1988. The place: is Chile, South America. For 15 years, Augusto Pinochet has been running a dictatorship if there ever was one. Those who oppose him are those who disappear, and everyone in Chile knows it. Eventually, the rest of the world’s leaders decide to kinda sorta do something about it by pressuring Pinochet to put his rule to a vote. Rather can cause an international crisis, Pinochet agrees and puts the fate of his office in the hands of his people. Those who want him to stay vote “YES,” those who want him to go vote “NO.” In the month leading up to the election, each side is given 15 minutes of airtime each night to promote their cause on television. No is the story of a commercial director with a comfortable life and no real reason to get involved. Nevertheless, he puts his life and livelihood on the line in order to lead the “NO” campaign to victory with a feel-good approach that no one thinks’ll work.
Pretty sure I’ve mentioned that history has never really been my strong suit, and believe it or not, Chilean history is no exception to the rule. Weird, huh? I don’t know about the rest of ya’, but everything in that last paragraph was news to me, and you should have seen me try to explain it to my wife.
“Wanna go see this movie with me? It’s getting really good reviews.”
“What’s it about?”
“Well, it takes place in Argenti…Venezue…South America, and it’s about this advertising campaign to take down Augusto Pinochet…”
“Who’s Augusto Pinochet?”
“Dictator. Bad dude. Anyway…”
“It’s in subtitles, isn’t it?”
“…The main guy is really good-looking.”
“…”
“…I’ll pay for dinner?”
“…Fine.”
Such is the burden of being married to a movie nerd. I should really pick up an atlas one of these days.
Anyhow, despite having a near-infantile knowledge of the events at hand, the appeal to No was there. The good reviews never hurt, so does Gael Garcia Bernal’s track record/acting chops, and what’s not to like about movies that end with a vote? Just look at Lincoln, I could barely breathe during that vote and I totally knew how that sucker was gonna turn out!
Not only that, but it seemed like there was a sort of timelessness to No. I’m no marketing wizard and by no means am I trying to parallel political or cultural climates, but the “NO” campaign’s whole happy-go-lucky approach instantly made me think of the campaign that Obama ran in 2008. Obama’s ’08 campaign wasn’t fueled by smear tactics or finger-pointing over past mistakes even though it very easily could have been. Unlike that mud fight that just wouldn’t seem to end last year, his message was one of hope, change and bridging divides for a brighter tomorrow. In case you missed it, it worked like gangbusters.
As to how it’s working today? Well…talk amongst yourselves.
What’s interesting is that the “NO” campaign plays out in a very similar fashion. When our guy Rene Saavedra steps up to take the reigns, the old guard expects him to shine a light on 15 years of torture and oppression that’s touched the lives of just about everyone in Chile. After all, why wouldn’t you go down that road? That’s why there’s a plebiscite in the first place! But that’s not Saavedra’s goal, and that’s not his story. He’s from a privileged family, he has a fruitful career, and his only real connection to the tyranny of Pinochet is his son’s mother who spends most of her days getting locked up for protesting. To him, the “NO” campaign isn’t about seeking justice, it’s about winning. And if there’s one thing he knows, it’s that torture and oppression don’t sell.
Happiness, on the other hand, is a hard ticket to beat.
I can’t stop thinking about why writer/director Pablo Larrain went with a character like Saavedra to be the face of this story, because the more I think about it, the more levels it keeps working on.
It goes without saying that the “NO” campaign is an easy one to root for and that when it’s time to tally the votes, you’ll be hard-pressed to be uninterested. When you boil it down, it’s the good guys versus the bad guys, simple as that. Now, if we’re going by movie logic, an underdog story like this is usually driven by a man or woman of the people. An Abe Lincoln, a Norma Rae – that kinda crowd. But once again, that’s not Saavedra.
He’s not a “bad guy” by any means and it’s not like he’s unlikable either, it’s just that he’s invested in this campaign for reasons entirely different from our own and those around him. We’re all in it for a democratic Chile, but it’s hard to say at times why he’s even in it at all. He rarely gets emotionally involved and his biggest incentive for sticking around seems to be bragging rights that he won’t even brag about. He’s an advertising man and the “NO” campaign is just another job. Sounds like a cold dude, a dude who in many ways is not unlike Maya in Zero Dark Thirty. But yet you care about him, because you care about his mission, because you want him to succeed, because – unlike Maya’s campaign – the happiness that surrounds him is nothing short of contagious.
And that’s messing with me, man, because part of me feels like Saavedra’s character doesn’t belong in this story. But the more that I’ve thought about it and how it relates back to that ’08 campaign, the more I’ve come to realize that there’s more to this story than I was originally expecting.
On the surface, this is a story about the fight for Chilean democracy. Under the surface, it’s about getting people to drink the Kool-Aid. One would think that they’d cancel each other out, but despite their conflicting natures, they work rather harmoniously together. Not to mention that both are still incredibly present in our world today. As effective as it is in telling this fascinating, universal story about fighting for freedom under a banner of smiles, it’s just as effective in telling this subversive, universal story about propaganda and manipulation. When all is said and done, it’s hard not to feel like one of the manipulated in turn, but how can you really tell if you would have voted “NO” to begin with? Like I said, it’s an emotional head trip, and a brilliant one at that.
It also does a fantastic job of blurring the lines between fact and fiction. From a visual standpoint, it looks like Larrain dug up all the best camcorders that the ’80s had to offer and hired some hard-up bystanders to be his crew. It ain’t exactly crisp, but it’s not supposed to be either. The idea is to make you feel like you’re watching a document rather than a recreation, to make you feel like you were there when it was all happening. When scenes are filmed, they’re filmed with the grace and style of one of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Actors are used in staging the filming of the commercials, but it’s the genuine article that we’re treated to when the ads are actually broadcast. Even the dialogue can be hard to keep up with as characters talk freely with and over one another throughout.
The name of the game here is authenticity, and though its VHS trappings may not be everyone’s cup of tea, y’all can color me impressed. Really made me feel that much more invested in a movement and a story that I had no real connection to at the start. And who am I kidding, image quality’s overrated anyway.
Needless to say, No is one inspired, multilayered and affecting story about democracy and “democracy,” one that’s only gotten better the more time I’ve had to think about it. I don’t know how much it will appeal to those not taken by Chilean history or subtitles, but it really is worth a go if any of this sounds the least bit interesting. Because even if all this mumbo jumbo isn’t exactly selling you on it, it still works really well as an inspirational slice of human history.
And, as per usual, Bernal does not disappoint. Got all kinds of time for that guy.
Evil Dead (2013)
VERDICT:
7/10 Hardcore Rehabs
Stumbles a bit, but gets it right where it matters.
Evil Dead is about a group of friends who go spend the weekend at their old cabin in the woods to help one of their own kick her dope habit. Unbeknownst to them, the aging shanty was recently the site of a demonic purging because some freaking idiot went and read from the Necronomicon. So they settle in for the evening, get to snooping around and eventually make their way to the basement. Lo and behold, they find dozens of dead cats hanging from the ceiling and a flesh-bound book wrapped in barbed wire – you know, the usual stuff. Rather than hightail it out of there, they decide to stay the course and help their friend get clean. But because some people just can’t take a hint (even when it’s sprawled in blood), one of them gets to reading the Necronomicon like a freaking idiot. Next thing you know, our junkie-on-the-mend gets possessed by a good old-fashioned soul-eater and starts gunning for all her buddies. Good times.
Before we go any further, it probably bears mentioning that Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead – that’s the movie this movie is based on, boys and girls – is as near-perfect as it gets when it comes to horror. Can’t speak for everyone on the matter, but in my humble opinion, it’s one of the best times you’ll ever have with the genre, and it’s still as horrifying, relentless and ridiculously fun as it was 32 years ago. There’s good reason why it’s the blueprint for every cabin-in-the-woods movie that’s followed in its wake (The Cabin in the Woods included), because few, if any, movies have ever managed to do what The Evil Dead does without crossing over into the realm of torture porn endurance tests.
If you haven’t seen it, I don’t know what tell you other than to drop what you’re doing and hit up Netflix Instant. After all, rumor has it that it’s the only movie that ever truly freaked out the late, great Ol’ Dirty Bastard, and if that isn’t the pitch of a lifetime, I don’t know what is.
So even with Raimi on as a producer, it goes without saying that this sick puppy had a tall order to fill. We’ll get to the bad news in a little bit, but the good news is that a lot of the things that make the re-up work are a lot of the things that made the original work.
As that charming tagline on the poster will tell you, Evil Dead is not effing around. Yeah, there are a few jump-out-of-your-seat moments peppered throughout, but that’s not what makes it so terrifying, not in the slightest. See, what’s so damn great about The Evil Dead is that when thing start going wrong, they go really, really wrong. For chrissakes, if the first thing your demon does after getting loose is get to committing tree rape of all things, rest assured that everyone watching’s gonna get the memo. Because when tree rape is your precedent, the only thing that’ll be on anyone’s mind is what in the hell they’ve gotten themselves into and what in God’s name could possibly come next?
Just as The Evil Dead kept making good on its title in that regard, the remake handily delivers. First-time director Fede Alvarez not only does a great job of upping the ante while paying tribute to the original, but he plays to the original’s strengths. He follows the blueprint, gives the bloodthirsty fans exactly what they want, and even manages to channel Raimi’s flair with a camera. The dude’s done his homework, the dude is one of us, and for that first hour or so, the end result was nothing short of groovy.
Oh yes, everything was going great for that first hour. It was gnarly as hell, the laughs were there, and the theater had turned into a gosh darn hootenanny. If only every horror movie was as fun as that first hour was, and if only it could have kept that gravy train a-rollin’…
Unfortunately, this is where the legacy of The Cabin in the Woods comes in.
The biggest reason I was so hesitant upon going into this movie was because of the much-needed service that Joss Whedon and Co. paid to the horror genre last year. Thanks to The Cabin in the Woods, the formula that The Evil Dead created and Evil Dead operates on was finally put down after decades of abuse. It was a moment I had long been waiting for and it single-handedly paved the way for a future devoid of stupid teenagers who, despite all Earthly logic, kept swimming right into their goddamn barrels. Since then, I honestly never thought anyone would dare return to that formula, but for better or worse, here we are. So let’s get down to brass tacks.
For the most part, these characters aren’t even all that stupid, some could even pass as smart in certain horror circles. This is good, this is progress, and as a result, they can hardly be blamed for the fates that befall their filthy souls. However, there are exceptions to every rule, because one complete jagoff is all it takes to ruin the fun. The jagoff in question here is the estranged brother of our junkie-turned-Kandarian demon, and while his behavior is forgivable when everyone thinks his little sis is just going through withdrawal, even the most forgiving of moviegoers have their breaking points. For someone who refuses to face the facts or take any real meaningful action for as long as he does, the length of his survival is both dumbfounding and infuriating. The silver lining is that his friends eventually start treating him like the jagoff he is, but even that just makes his jagoff-ness seem that much more out of place.
Adding insult to injury, just when it seems like he’s finally getting his shit together, the writers up and decide that it’s time to start jumping sharks. Apologies for the obscure reference from a garbage movie, but does anyone out there remember that scene in Hollow Man where Elizabeth Shue miraculously escapes from a walk-in freezer by somehow turning a defibrillator into the world’s strongest electromagnet? It was twice as ridiculous as it sounds, and it’s exactly the kind of horseshit plan that our jagoff uses to fight back. Won’t spoil it for you, but believe me, you’ll know it when you see it.
Serenity now, man.
It wasn’t enough to make me forget about all the good times, it’s just that there were way too many instances in that last half-hour where I and everyone around me were collectively yelling at the screen over how things were playing out. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if The Evil Dead had had characters and moments like these, but even at its most ridiculous, it never descended into sheer idiocy.
And what’s with making the same homages multiple times? We get it, Ash had one hand, one tribute is enough. There are also some really tense scenes here that just end rather abruptly and are never addressed again, which is just no bueno. I mean, even when they were chopped up to bits, those homeys in The Evil Dead were still kicking right on through to the end. On that note, kind of a weak ending, too. Really can’t remember the last time a horror movie ended on such a relative high note.
Anyhow, I’m getting ahead of myself, time to tone this sucker down.
Despite all these gripes, the fact of the matter is that a 7 is no Verdict to scoff at and there’s a good deal worth commending Evil Dead for. I dug its efforts to flesh out the characters for a change (Jane Levy’s in particular) and I appreciate that there’s was actually some kind of reasoning behind each new person who got possessed rather than going with the “just because” formula of the original’s. I wouldn’t call it a necessary remake per so, but it’s by no means a cash cow or a carbon copy, and that’s a whole lot more than I can say for most movies of its kind.
As much as I wish someone had stepped in and given that final Act another rewrite for good measure, the Evil Dead‘s heart is still in the right place and it’s one hell of a fun time to boot. At the end of the day, that’s what I’m taking away from it and that was all I was really hoping for anyway. After all, why shouldn’t horror movies be fun?
Room 237 (2013)
VERDICT:
8/10 Dull Boys
So much for it being about the worst dad ever.
Room 237 is a documentary about the many different meanings, messages and interpretations that have been derived from The Shining after countless viewings by some diehard fans who just can’t get enough of it. And unless you’re part of the club, chances are it will all be coming as news.
The first thing I did when I heard about this movie was send the trailer to one of my colleagues. Now, I like The Shining as much as the next guy. It’s one of the all-time greats of the genre and there’s never been anything quite like it (as far as I’m aware). Although as much as it makes me want to drop whatever I’m doing whenever it’s on TV, it’s still not my favorite Kubrick movie and it’s still not something I’ve found myself coming back to over the years. What can I say, I’m a 2001 kinda guy.
Anyway, back to my colleague, the one who’s got the that floor pattern on the poster as the wallpaper on his computer. I sent him the trailer not really knowing what this documentary was about or what I would eventually be getting myself into. Not surprisingly, he’d already heard about it and began to tell me quite an unusual story.
He told me that he’d done some digging of his own at one point and time, eventually coming across a theory that even he couldn’t quite believe. The theory went as such: contrary to popular belief, The Shining is not about a dad who goes nuts and tries to kill his whole family, but is in fact Stanley Kubrick’s way of telling the world that the moon landing in 1969 was staged and that he was the one who helped stage it. My colleague couldn’t remember all the details, but the grounds for this interpretation was based on Danny wearing a sweater that had an Apollo spaceship on it and something having to do with Room 237 itself. Needless to say, we both had a good laugh over it.
It was a crackpot theory, the kind of thing that would make you question a person’s sanity. Sure, even with a base understanding to go off of, it doesn’t take repeat viewings to see that The Shining leaves a lot to the imagination. But the moon landing? Dude, come on, I’m worried about you over here.
It was such a crackpot theory that I couldn’t believe Room 237 would even have the sense to entertain it. There was just no way.
And yet it did, and here I am, more skeptical than I ever thought I would be on the subject. I’m not saying I believe it, I’m not saying we didn’t land on the moon, but damn, if that crazy bastard doing the voice-over doesn’t make an unusually convincing case for himself. Buzz Aldrin’s gonna sock me in the mouth for that one, I just know it…
To say the least, it’s a surprisingly effective documentary.
The thing is, it’s hard to convey why that is without sounding like a full-blown conspiracy theorist in turn. I mean, with the exception of maybe Pi and Pulp Fiction, I’m not the kind of moviegoer who revels in cracking every code that may or may not even be there. I’ve gone down that road, and there’s simply no end to it. I don’t need that kind of stress in my life. But that’s exactly what this is: a talking heads movie that’s steered by nitpicky people with some truly inspired/batshit bonkers viewpoints. They’ve dissected The Shining to where they’ve drawn out maps of the Overlook Hotel, contacted the owners of the actual hotels that were used for filming, and superimposed the movie over itself with one version playing forwards and the other playing backwards. Why? Because it was there. It is borderline unhealthy how deep these people have gone, and for that very reason, it’s actually hard to write them off as loonies.
The way they talk about The Shining, they’re not out to convert us or make us feel like idiots for not seeing it their way to begin with. They’re just trying to show us how they saw the movie, completely comfortable with the conclusions they’ve drawn, regardless of whether or not anyone else shares them. For them, it’s all right there, and that kind of approach goes a long way in making them seem like your everyday moviegoer and their opinions seem that much more believable. A lot of these guys didn’t even like the movie when they first saw it, but for some reason or another it either stuck with them until they finally understood why that was.
Not only that, but these guys did their research. They know everything there is to know about Kubrick, they know exactly what kind of director he was and that there’s no such thing as a flub, an Easter Egg or happy accident in his movies. When Stanley Kubrick puts something in the frame, it’s been put there for a reason and it’s up to us to figure out why. Not calling the guy a genius or anything as I’ve had my doubts in the past, but the man knew what he was doing and he had an IQ of 200 to boot. If it were any other director, these testimonies just wouldn’t have the same weight to them. After all, if there’s anyone who could have pulled off a fake moon landing, it’s the guy who did 2001: A Space Odyssey, a movie with special effects that I’ll never be able to wrap my head around.
Unfortunately, for all the sells that I found myself buying, not every theory is as convincing as the next. I can understand how someone could watch this movie and see it as one big metaphor for the Holocaust or the eradication of Native Americans, but when you start drawing connections between certain scenes and unrelated events in your own life, that’s just grasping at straws. Just because your kid’s head split open in a nightmare doesn’t mean it relates to a horror movie from 1980. Also had a hard time with some of the subliminal messages that Kubrick supposedly threw in there, but to each his own, I suppose.
I was thinking about re-watching The Shining before going into this, but in hindsight, I’m glad that I didn’t. Well, it probably wouldn’t have mattered either way, because as long as you’ve seen it once, that’s all the preparation you’ll need. The real difference here is how I’m going to view it from here on out. While I’m sure it’ll still work like gangbusters on a purely horrific level, I can tell already tell that I’ll be looking for the signs. Not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing, but I expect it’ll be something else.
I can imagine that it can’t be easy to make movies about movies in any way, shape or form (especially about movies that actually exist), and I’m also guessing that’s why there’s so few of them in this world. It’s not an easy pitch for some and I feel like there are only so many movies out there that really bear this kind of treatment/analysis. But being the movie nerd that I am, I was all ears from start to finish. As for my wife, the trooper that she is? Not so much, and I don’t blame her. I owe her for this one.
Needless to say, Room 237 is catering to a pretty niche audience, and if you’re not already intrigued, then you’re probably not part of it. It’s the kind of movie that critics and cinephiles will go flat-out ape over and will make casual moviegoers feel duped for trusting the reviews. Don’t get me wrong, there are exceptions to every rule, but by and large, that seems like the way this cookie’s gonna crumble. So if all this crazy talk has you the least bit interested, by all means, take the plunge. But if you’d rather not risk having The Shining ruined for you by some movie nerds with microphones, continue on and cherish those memories.
And in case you’re hoping, it has no explanation for that guy in the bear/pig suit. For God’s sake, will someone please explain that guy in the bear/pig suit!
Electrick Children (2013)
VERDICT:
7/10 Rock Gods
Music, Mormons and immaculate conceptions. What’s not to like?
Electrick Children is about a sheltered Mormon girl with little to no knowledge of the world outside her family’s rustic compound. On her 15th birthday, she has her very first encounter with a cassette player and finds herself instantly smitten with the space-age gizmo. Unfortunately, cassette players also qualify as the devil’s work, so later that night while all are asleep, she sneaks into the basement and starts breaking some rules. She listens to a tape and is one with the music until she gets caught in the act and gets a slap on the wrist. A short time later, our girl finds out that she’s done got herself pregnant despite never having been with a man before. Her parents find out, and shockingly enough, they don’t believe her “knocked up by a cassette tape” story. Thinking quick, they decide to marry the girl off and banish her brother from the family to boot (you know, since they think he’s the baby’s father). But rather than go along with that horseshit plan, she and her brother carjack the family truck and book it to Las Vegas to find the “father” of her baby (aka: the lead singer from the band on the tape).
As far as movie premises go, I can see some folks reading that last paragraph and thinking this all sounds a tad silly. Heartwarming? Possibly. Realistic? No. If that just so happens to be the case, then no worries, child, you can’t win ’em all. But as for me, this here premise is something inspired.
I mean, anybody who’s ever dug any kind of music has gone through the same life-altering transformation that leaves our girl Rachel here a rock-and-roll virgin Mary. We’ve all heard that song, we all remember how our lives were unalterably changed from that day forward (or at least I do. Maybe it didn’t knock you up, maybe it didn’t lead to an arranged marriage with Cletus down the way, but as someone who can’t even remember what life was like before music entered into the picture, it’s awfully relatable and then some.
But that’s not even the interesting part. Even it this had nothing to do with music, how great is that immaculate conception thing? Hell of a way to rope your audience in from the get go and keep them longing for answers. For Pete’s sake, it’s the physical manifestation of the moment a girl becomes a woman, and the notion that the father may or may not be a cassette tape only makes it that much better. It’s crazy, but as much as you’ll want to write it off as nonsense, you can’t, because you’ve been there. Awesome.
But strangely enough, that’s not the most interesting part either. The interesting part is what comes next, or at least what I thought was coming next.
By now, I’m guessing a number of you are already working out how this ditty plays out (ie: waiting on baited breath for the next hour until we finally discover the truth behind this “miracle baby”). And once these kids make their way to Sin City, I was thinking the same thing. And while much of the plot is driven by that very quest, it isn’t long before the whole baby daddy thing falls to the wayside and reveals this story’s true colors.
As you may have caught on, this whole baby thing is ultimately a catalyst for something larger, something more universal than is initially let on. Before long, it becomes a story about growing up, letting go, and following the signs when life throws them your way, and it works. It works because few figures in history were more innocent than the Virgin Mary, and it works because few things in history have corrupted that innocence quite like music and everything that comes with it. And whether it’s from a religious standpoint, a musical standpoint or somewhere in between, it works on a number of levels to boot. It works because there’s no right way to approach Electrick Children and there’s a lot to take away from it, and it’s hard to imagine this story being told any other way.
The thing is, I’ve seen movies like this, it just isn’t often that I get to watch movies like this. It’s a good-looking movie, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not talking about the visuals right now. The best way I can describe it is that Electrick Children is an experience you can groove to. You can dig as deep as you want, there’s no shortage of things to read into, but the more I watched, the more I found that I was going with the flow. It’s really nice, actually, and it just felt right. What can I say, writer/director Rebecca Thomas sets the mood like gangbusters here, and it makes me wish more film makers had such a free-flowing way about them.
And despite all the Mormon banishment and teenage pregnancy going on here, the characters are refreshingly restrained. Sure, it’s not all flowers and sausages given the events at hand, but I feel like this could have turned into a Maury episode in the wrong hands. Instead, they use their inside voices when conflicts inevitably arise, they don’t really talk all that much to begin with, and that too does wonders in creating this easygoing tone I’m talking about. It’s a subtle picture that Thomas paints, and more importantly, it’s genuine. You care for these kids, you want to see how everything work out for them, and you hope it ends up in their favor.
In a nutshell, it’s the kind of movie I simply enjoyed being around and spending time with because all the elements just seemed to complement each other. Hopefully that makes more sense on paper than it does in my head, but in the spirit of making sense, I’ll say this: Thomas knows what story she’s trying to tell and she knows the right way to tell it. This goes a long way, and it’s a compliment I wish I had the pleasure of handing out more often.
And, man, what a perfectly catchy song for Rachel to fall in love with, even more so considering it was the first time I’d ever heard it, too. Been a good two weeks or so since I saw this movie, and I’m still listening to that thing on the daily. God, music is awesome.
Electrick Children has been an interesting movie to write about, largely because it’s so unusual in both theory and practice. It’s a weird premise that gets executed in ways I wasn’t expecting, and while that might actually turn some folks off in the long run, I couldn’t help but I couldn’t help but dig it every step of the way. The cast is also good (bonus points for any movie that finds a place for Billy Zane), but it’s hard to play favorites with this number since the whole is equal to the sum of its parts. It’s one of them team efforts, I suppose. To tell you the truth, I’m still wondering whether I should get it over with and just give this an 8 already, ’cause by the time I put my Best Of list together next year, I wouldn’t be surprised if this one gets a well-deserved bump.
Didn’t change my life or anything, but as far as life-changing stories go, this one was a keeper.
Spring Breakers (2013)
VERDICT:
6/10 Girls Gone Wild
And just like that, my college career has never seemed more boring.
Spring Breakers is about four girls going to college in a dead-end town. All they want to do is get the hell out of dodge, so they start saving up their money in the hopes of going to Florida for spring break. When the big day finally arrives, they realize they’re short on funds, but rather than settle for a good old-fashioned staycation, they stick up a local restaurant to finance the trip. Next thing they know, they’re living it up down in Florida with more booze, drugs and horny teens than you can shake a stick at. One thing leads to another and they find themselves arrested for their lecherous ways, but wouldn’t you know it, they wind up getting bailed out by Vanilla Ice’s evil twin. They go back to his place, start enjoying the life of a trigger-happy drug dealer, and since it is spring break and all, it isn’t long before they’re living like trigger-happy drug dealers, too.
When my wife asked me over the weekend why on Earth I was going to see Spring Breakers, I really didn’t have a good answer for her. I nervously mumbled that it wasn’t what it looked like, tried to legitimize my decision by mentioning that the director did Kids (which sounds way worse out loud than it does on paper), then quickly changed the subject when I realized I had lost the battle. The fact of the matter is that it’s hard to tell someone you’re going to see Spring Breakers without getting written off as That Guy going to That Movie, the one with Disney Channel’s greatest hits gallivanting in bikinis the whole time.
But in my defense, it is by the guy who did Kids, and anyone who’s ever seen a Harmony Korine movie knows that bikini-clad popcorn fluff is not going to be on the menu. Still, I don’t even like Kids, I actually can’t stand it, but some part of me just to find out what the hell was going on with this thing. It couldn’t be 90 minutes of fun in the Sun driven by bad decisions and sex appeal. It just couldn’t be. Right?
And then the credits starting rolling.
And then the title came up.
And then the dubstep kicked in.
And then we’re on a beach, the camera zooming in on one topless girl after another. They grind, they funnel, and they smile for the camera while jocks pour beer over them for five minutes straight.
And there I was, That Guy at That Movie.
I’d like to say that I was misled, but at the end of the day, I only have myself to blame. I knew all too well what kind of movies Harmony Korine makes, and for some reason I thought that this time it would be different. It’s not unlike the naive optimism I have every time I go into a Lars von Trier movie. “Maybe this ending will be a happy one,” I say to my chipper self. Three hours later, Kirsten Dunst is getting blown up by a planet and there I am, crying on the inside asking strangers for a hug. And while Spring Breakers is by no means the soul-crusher of an experience that Kids is, it still has Harmony Korine written all over it.
For those unfamiliar, Harmony Korine is in the business of two things: white trash nightmares and parents’ worst nightmares. It’s no stretch of the imagination to say that this little ditty falls comfortable in the latter category as it’s exactly the kind of getaway that would keep a couple from reproducing. Cocaine and liquor? Check. Armed robbery? Check. Prison time? Check. Knocking boots with a drug-dealer who keeps The ATL Twins for company? Unfortunately, check. With that being said, and even if you’re not a parent, don’t be all that surprised if everything that’s so exploitative and abrasive about this movie offends the hell out of you long before it’s over. That’s just Harmony Korine, and the sooner you learn that the better.
Furthermore, all this non-stop debauchery doesn’t leave much room for story, dialogue or character development. Sure, you’ve got Selena Gomez as the God Squad member of the group who gets all conflicted about what they’re getting themselves into, and though its skeletal at best, there is a plot that eventually moves things along. But for the most part, a lot of the scenes just never seem to end, and most of them keep inexplicably cutting back to extreme closeups of boobs on the beach. As a result, it gets awfully hard to pay attention to (let alone give a shit about) what these characters are saying or doing most of the time. Ultimately, it’s tough to justify the majority of this movie as being all that different from what goes down in the first five minutes, yet depending on who you ask, it actually kinda works.
I mean, I can’t help but wonder about anyone who goes into this movie hoping for some kind of quality story, dialogue and character development. Not to belabor the point, but you’re barking up the wrong bush if that’s what your hopes set on. More than anything, Spring Breakers is, like spring break itself, an experience. The party never stops, everything looks like it was filmed from the inside of a tanning bed, and if your senses get bruised in the process, don’t expect an apology. It might not be the kind of movie you were expecting or even wanted to see in the first place, it’s the kind of movie that’s just begging for some walk-outs, but that’s also what makes this little monster so unique. It just refuses to compromise every step of the way. Not only that, but it’s often quite gorgeous to take in and gets more out of a blacklight than the back room of a head shop.
And not for nothing, but big ups to whoever the casting director was here, because getting Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens on board was quite the ingenious move. Not that it would have been any less shocking if say, Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes and Snooki were playing the parts, but in the spirit of creating an all-too possible nightmare for parents of teen daughters across the globe, who better to corrupt than the role models they grew up with? Needless to say, these girls go for the gusto, and the same goes for Rachel Korine (Harmony’s wife).
As for James Franco, thank heavens for James Franco. Believe it or not, but there was a point towards the end of the first Act where I’d just about had it with these girls partying their asses off from one scene to next. It was exhausting, and one man can only squirm in his seat for so long before enough is enough. But just as the novelty was wearing off, James Franco enters into the picture as Alien, and from that point forward, everything got better. Because if there’s anything to be said of James Franco, it’s that the guy knows how to have fun in front of the camera. He knows how ridiculous he looks, he knows his name is “Alien,” so rather than do something stupid like take himself seriously, he grabs some guns off the wall and starts jumping on the bed, screaming “LOOK AT MY SHIT!” while the rest of us laugh along.
In short, he’s just what this movie needed and he couldn’t have showed up at a better time. Not to mention that he’s responsible for some of the best scenes in the whole movie (eg: robbing fools blind to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Everytime”).
Oh, and since folks keep asking me whether he’s attractive with his cornrows and platinum grill, the answer is no, he is not. I know, I know, it takes all kinds, but like the rest of this movie, he’s a parent’s worst nightmare, not a thug-life dreamboat by any stretch of the imagination. Easily one of the stranger questions I’ve fielded as of late.
Anyhow, if there’s anything to take away from this here review, it’s that Spring Breakers is effing crazy, way crazier than you’re likely expecting or even prepared for. I’m not even really sure if I liked it or not, and when pressed on the matter, “it’s interesting” has been the answer of choice. At any rate, I can appreciate it for what it is, and for better or worse, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. With that being said, there’s still no one on this planet I could imagine recommending it to in good faith, but if your curiosity’s already gotten the better of you, don’t say I didn’t warn ya’.
Admission (2013)
VERDICT:
4/10 Princetonian Candidates
Easy front-runner for Whitest Movie of the Year. So, yeah, it’s got that going for it…
Admission is about a middle-aged woman who’s made her way up the ranks after working as an admissions counselor for 16 years at Princeton University. She has a long-time boyfriend, doesn’t have any kids, and is doing her damndest to get her boss’ job once he retires. Hers is a comfortable, if not painfully predictable life, and just when it seems like everything’s going great, it all starts crumbling down around her. Her man suddenly leaves her for the woman he knocked up, that leads to some major stresses in her work life, and then she finds out that one of her applicants might be the child she gave up for adoption back in college. Needless to say, the gal’s got a lot on her plate, but since life stops for no woman, she tries her best to get that promotion while secretly being a mother figure to a kid who might her son.
Nothing against Tina Fey, nothing against Paul Rudd, but the sad, sad truth of the matter is that this here romcom wasn’t exactly high up on my Must See list for the year. What can I say, that trailer just wasn’t selling it for me, and having not read the book beforehand, that didn’t help matters either. However, desperate times call for desperate measures. For those who’ve been paying attention, this past winter has been one of the worst moviegoing seasons in recent memory. As a result, it’d been over a month since I’d actually seen a new release on the big screen, and the itch to just see something, anything, was becoming flat-out insatiable.
So when my wife asked me to go see this, I was more than happy to oblige.
Now, one thing to note here is that while I wasn’t expecting much from the outset, my wife was in the same boat. The other thing to to note is that my wife had read the book and happened to love it to pieces. But like yours truly, she wasn’t impressed by the trailer either and thought the whole thing just seemed off. Nevertheless, a date night was in order. So we ventured onward, compared notes, and since I’ve already got Tina and Paul on the brain, I guess I’ll start there.
I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here when I say that anyone who’s so much as turned on a TV in the past decade could write up a laundry list of reasons to love Tina Fey. She’s arguably the funniest woman alive, and if her hosting gig at this year’s Golden Globes was any indication, the girl’s only getting funnier. Still, outside of her defining role as the voice of a burrito in Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters, TV’s been her bread and butter. And, unfortunately, Admission isn’t doing much to change that.
Granted, her character isn’t really a laugh riot to begin with, but she’s not even all that likable either. Not that any movie needs a likable character for it to work, but it certainly does help to have one you can at least care about. Although this does beg the question as to why Tina Fey, the laugh riot with likability to spare, was even cast as Portia Nathan in the first place? Ultimately, the casting decision makes Portia come off like the unfunny version of Liz Lemon whose wonky moral compass and constant stressing suddenly doesn’t seem so endearing anymore. That’s just no bueno.
I mean, yeah, you feel for her because her husband’s a royal skeeze and all, but that’s about as good as it gets. It’s just hard to cut her some slack, let alone feel for her when she starts sandbagging student applications to get her “son” into Princeton and keeps on bottling up her emotions whenever she runs into her ex and his new squeeze. Maybe if she had been more like Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids, maybe if she’d gone off on that jerk in her life the way Kristen so gloriously did at the bridal shower, maybe I would have warmed up to her more and had a vested interest in whether things worked out for her. But alas, there was just something inherently difficult about trying to sympathize with an admissions counselor at one of the most elite schools in the nation. Maybe that’s just me.
It’s too bad really, because anyone call tell you that Tina Fey is better than this and that this unfunny script with its painfully forced dialogue is the one to blame here. So the upside to the situation it wasn’t her fault, but when it comes to comedians trying to venture out of their comfort zone, this is no Truman Show if you catch my drift.
Not to mention that Michael Sheen is also pretty grating as Portia’s ex, but Michael Sheen is usually pretty grating these days. Again, maybe that’s just me.
On the other hand, I would love it if Paul Rudd kept taking parts like this for the rest of his days. He’s one of the few people in this movie that makes his character seem natural and enjoyable to be around, and it goes a long way. Add this to his refreshingly subdued turn in The Perks of Being a Wallflower as yet another reason I wish he’d quit slappin’ da’ bass all the time. Sorry, folks, but that shit makes my skin crawl.
And newcomer Nat Wolff is also good for a lot of the same reasons as Portia’s possible son, so big ups to him. Other than that, I wish I had more to report on. It’s not like it does anything egregious, it was just as forgettable as they come.
Then again, I always have a hard time evaluating a movie like this because I knew I wasn’t the target audience and I had an awfully strong feeling it wasn’t going to win me over either. Needles to say, it met my expectations, and that’s all I really have to say about Admission. But as for what the wife thought about it, she was far more forgiving. It definitely wasn’t as good as the book, she knew it wouldn’t be, and that’s okay. Her big concern was that the trailer made it look like a slapstick romcom, but since it ended up being a closer to the source material than advertised, that went a long way. She wasn’t going in with delusions of grandeur, she was just hoping for some light, enjoyable fluff, and at the end of the day, that’s exactly what she got.
And hey, if the wife is happy, everyone’s happy. Write that one down, kids.
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 