Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)
VERDICT:
3/10 Street Rats
Well, at least the game is awesome.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is about an orphan with a sense for justice who gets adopted by a king and grows up to be a daredevil with the ability to single-handedly ransack and overthrow kingdoms by running over rooftops and doing lots of backflips. For all intents and purposes, life is good, he’s the man, but then someone up and frames him for his father’s murder and screws it all up big time. So he peaces out in no time flat before he finds himself on the wrong end of a scimitar and then makes it his number one priority to clear his name with the help of a princess and a nifty dagger that can turn back time.
It’s based off a video game of the same name, and that right there should probably be enough of a warning as to why this movie blows. Now, there are a lot of problems here, all of which I’ll get to in due time, but the big question I kept asking myself throughout this entire experience was “Why in the hell this was even made in the first place?” The problem isn’t the game, because the game kicks ass, but since there are so many good games out there that actually have stories and aren’t considered to be classics just because it’s fun to solve puzzles by jumping, it’s almost painful as to why this of all things games got the green light. It’s just that there was never really any potential to begin with, it’s all just eye candy and that’s what’s been the problem with these kinds of movies all along.
I mean, come on, that’s why Doom sucked, that’s why Super Mario Bros. sucked, that’s why Mortal Kombat sucked (even though the upcoming reboot could totally change that), and that’s why I cry myself to sleep at night. I said it once and I’ll say it again: someone please, for the love of God, make a movie or HBO mini-series of Metal Gear Solid. Really, what is the holdup?
Alright, angry nerd rant over. Back to everything else.
Well, I guess the first eyebrow-raiser is probably why there are so many white people in this movie. Your guess is as good as mine, but Jake Gyllenhaal and Gemma Arterton look about as Iranian as my red-haired Irish grandmother and I don’t know who Jerry Bruckheimer thought he was fooling with that one. I don’t know if I’d call it racist, but “stupid” definitely seems to fit the bill, and it’d be one thing if these two were effing amazing as Prince Dastan and Princess Tamina, but that ain’t happenin’ either. Really too bad being that I like Gyllenhaal, but whatever, this one’s beyond me.
But the other big snafu that’s bad from the start and even worse at the finish is this awful fucking script. That it’s even attempting to make a compelling revenge/love story and not trying to make this nothing short of two hours packed to the brim with more parkour than you can shake a stick at is the real dealbreaker, but everything from the insanely weak dialogue to the bizarre inclusion of ostrich racing as a plot development to a twist that you’ll totally see coming as long as you’ve watched a movie before to characters that no one in their right mind could possibly give a shit about truly makes for a perfect storm of horrendous penmanship. All I’m saying is that we as a people who work hard for those 12 bucks – and not just us angry nerds – deserve a hell of a lot better than this. I’m just thankful I saw it on a plane.
I guess the only real reason to see this movie is for the action, which wasn’t bad for a while there, but there’s nowhere near enough of it and it’s hard to find acrobatics cool when the guy doing them is clearly attached to strings or being, you know, computer generated. If this were anything like one minute of what made District B13 so badass, I’m thinking it might have even reached a 5, but as is, you’re probably better off just learning how to backflip into a pool or picking up an XBOX. Actually, I can’t even think of a reason to see this movie. Harsh, but true.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is entertaining to a degree for the first half-hour or so, but as a whole it’s doing absolutely nothing to convince mankind that video games actually have something to offer outside of how they melt your brain and keep your kids from going outdoors. Just really shitty on every front and I have no idea how Ben Kingsley and Aflred Molina got roped into this, too. Such a shame.
Also can’t believe that they actually made Gyllenhaal wear this crap on his head for a while either. Not a good look.
Finding Nemo (2003)
VERDICT:
9/10 Stubborn Guppies
Yet another stunning Pixar effort that broke me down like a weeping infant.
Finding Nemo is about a clown fish in the Great Barrier Reef whose seriously overprotective nature accidentally gets his only son captured by deep sea divers and subsequently put on display in a fish tank in a dentist’s office. But like any loving father, he sets out into the great blue yonder to get his boy back, makes some unlikely friends and companions along the way and gradually learns the many benefits that come with letting go and trusting others.
Man, I still have Cars, Monsters Inc., A Bug’s Life, The Incredibles and the first two Toy Storys to revisit, review and gush over and I’m already starting to sound like a broken record here. But since this movie is so damn good and there’s nothing I can do but reiterate the obvious, I present you with one more reason why Pixar can’t be touched.
So even though Pixar movies have always been visual stunners, this may very well be the cream of the crop. Nowadays, the Great Barrier Reef has taken on a sheer cornucopia of taupe-like shades thanks to a laundry list of reasons that all lead back to why humans suck and how Al Gore told us so, but believe it or not, litte Johnnie, the GBR was at one point in history a natural phenomenon that would blow out your retinas with colors and hues you didn’t even know were possible. And while Pixar’s animators continue to up their game in terms of the technicals, there is just so much to look at here from the sprawling species of fish who all bring something new to the table and the reef itself which looks more like something from outer space than a natural formation that’s home to such a large and amazing cast of characters. It’s one of those things that reminds you what a true wonder the ocean is in all its depths and no matter how masterfully the animators have come to manipulate humans, monsters and inanimate objects, they’re gonna have a tough time topping this one until they make a movie about double rainbows.
But as pretty as this is to look at, let’s face it, it’s all about the heart with Pixar.
Depending on the time of the month, I don’t consider myself to be much of a softy. Didn’t shed a tear when Jack the Human Popsicle sank to the bottom of the ocean, I managed to hold it together for the last ten minutes of Rudy, but I don’t know how these guys keep doing it ’cause I’m about to petition for complimentary Kleenex handouts inside the DVD cases. I mean, this is a movie about fish. I shouldn’t be crying about fish, I should be crying about humans. I should be eating fish. But when you know you have a good story, when you know how to tell it so that your audience almost immediately forgets they’re dealing with sea life and can envision themselves in the characters without thinking twice about it, when you can get to the core of what’s important in life and what really matters on a level that everyone can empathize with, that’s when you’ve reached a new plateau of sorts.
God, that moment towards the end where Nemo, caught in a fishing net with hundreds of other fish, looks to his father and says, “Dad, I can do this,” and his father – after making a habit of telling his son everything he can’t do – looks right back in the middle of this life-and-death situation and replies, “I know you can,” how in the hell does that not make you cry?
Beautiful stuff, folks. Absolutely beautiful.
And as wonderfully mature, poignant and funny the script is in driving the story along, the cast of characters and the out of sight voice actors here are really what bring it all together. The permanently neurotic Albert Brooks was a great choice to play Nemo’s permanently neurotic father, Marlin; Willem Dafoe is perfect as Gill, the closest thing this movie has to a Vietnam vet; and then there’s Geoffrey Rush, Brad Garrett, Allison Janney, Milton from Office Space, Dewie from Malcom in the Middle and John Ratzenberger (Pixar’s favorite actor of all-time apparently) all playing their aquatic alter egos, and they’re all just awesome.
But then there’s Ellen Degeneres as Marlin’s gung-ho confidant/resident amnesic blue tang (thanks, Google), Dory, and if there were ever a fish that I just wanted to hug, joke and go on amazing adventures with, it’d be her in a heartbeat. Dude, Ellen is one funny gal to begin with, she makes Dory so much fun, so heartfelt, and the journey really would have been lacking without her. Also pretty wild how much Dory actually looks like Ellen, at least in the mannerisms, only without her dancing over coffee tables and such.
It’s no Up, but after seeing it again and doing a terrible job of hiding my tear-filled doe eyes from my good buddy Fred (who was totally doing the same) during the whole last half-hour, I’m not surprised in the least that this got voted as The Best Pixar Movie a while back. Finding Nemo is gorgeous to watch, its universally affecting and its got some of the best characters in the entire Pixar canon moving it all along to boot. Like I said, can’t touch these guys.
And those seagulls were freakin’ hilarious.
31 Day Movie Meme
So the reviews don’t start up again ’til Monday, but since I’m chomping at the bit here and need to write something before I go NUTS, I’m thowing down my contribution to this 31 Day Movie Meme that’s making its way around movie nerdosphere. Nothin’ fancy, just a crap load of sweet movie questions for me to answer in short, you know the drill. Well, hope you dig it and glad to be back in action.
Sequel That Shouldn’t Have Been Made:
The Godfather: Part III (was this close to putting The Color of Money).
Favorite Oscar-Nominated Film from a Recent Ballot:
Up was my favorite movie of ’09, but I keep going back to A Single Man for some reason.
A Movie That Makes Me Laugh Everytime:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail, of course.
A Movie I Loathe:
Kids.
Movie That Makes Me Cry Everytime:
Searching for Bobby Fischer.
Least Favorite Movie by a Favorite Actor:
Play Misty for Me – Clint Eastwood (will go into further detail during the inevitable Clint marathon).
Movie That Should Be Required High School Viewing:
Stand By Me.
Best Scene Ever:
Damn…gonna have to go with Harry Dunne and his explosive diarrhea.
Movie I Thought I Wouldn’t Like but Ended Up Loving:
Observe and Report comes to mind, one of the proud few in that category.
A Movie That Disappointed:
Where to begin…recently revisiting Return of the Jedi was quite the bummer.
Best Music in a Scene:
Absolutely love The Jesus and Mary Chain’s “Just Like Honey” at the end of Lost in Translation.
Favorite Animated Movie:
Beauty and the Beast.
Favorite Black & White Film:
12 Angry Men.
Best Musical:
Once.
Favorite Guilty Pleasure Movie:
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America.
Favorite Series of Related Movies:
Lord of the Rings.
Favorite Title Sequence:
Pi.
Best Movie Cast:
The Dirty Dozen.
Favorite Kiss:
Gene Simmons. Drawing a blank on this one outside of all the ravenous face-sucking in Brokeback.
Favorite Romantic Couple:
Harold and Maude.
Favorite Final Line:
Stand By Me – “I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?”
Best Action Scene:
The T-800 climbing out the back of a moving pickup and onto the hood of the T-1000’s tanker trunk, then taking out an automatic rifle and lighting that gooey bastard up until the clip empties, then single-handedly flipping that sucker over like a total badass in T2. That was awesome.
The Quote I Use Most Often:
“Easy peasy Japanesy” – Brooks from Shawshank.
A Movie I Plan on Watching:
A second viewing of Mulholland Dr. has been in order for a while now. This is a ridiculous question, by the way.
Freakishly Weird Ending:
The Fountain.
Best Villain:
No idea why he’s the first one who comes to mind, but Clarence Boddicker was one awesome sonofabitch.
Most Overhyped Movie:
Iron Man 2 could have toned it town a bit.
Movie Seen More Than Ten Times:
Was on a serious Matrix kick for a while there in middle school.
Saddest Character Death:
I feel like I’m forgetting an obvious one here, but Jean-Do’s in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly was a tear-jerker.
Scene That Made Me Stand Up and Cheer:
George McFly cold-clocking Biff Tannen. Hell yeah.
Ahhhhhhhh.
Good to get that out of the system. Alright, back to the reviews…
“Sorry, folks. Blog’s closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya’.”
Folks, it’s Summer, and I need a vacation. So that’s why I’m taking one. Problem solved.
With that being said, no reviews for a couple weeks, but fear not, The Crap will go back to the Cutting board on September 6th at the same Bat time, same Bat channel. Yup, it’s one of them long vacations, but rest assured, it will be awesome.
So until then, enjoy the rest of August, enjoy the hell out of Piranha 3D, and enjoy Zeroes!
http://www.break.com/usercontent/2007/4/21/Zeroes-278568.html
And the worst movie mom of all-time is…
CARRIE WHITE’S MOM!
Fred Phelps, eat your heart out. In a perfect world, this lovely gal could have been yours. I’m betting that she really hates Comic-Con, too.
Folks, call your moms and tell ’em how much ya’ love ’em. Things could have been a lot worse, so at least thank ’em for not actively trying to murder you.
Good voting as usual. I will miss you all dearly this month.
RESULTS:
– Mrs. Robinson: 0 votes (either there were some seriously bad moms on this list or I totally misread this woman)
– Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest: 4 votes (still need to see that)
– Mary Tyler Moore in Ordinary People: 2 votes (totally would have been my vote)
– Carrie’s mom: 9 votes
– Ma Fratelli from The Goonies: 5 votes
– Mo’Nique in Precious: 6 votes (was clearly good enough for the welfare)
– Pam Voorhees: 2 votes
– Mrs. Bates: 2 votes (chick was ugly)
– Cinderella’s stepmom: 3 votes
– Angela Lansbury in The Manchurian Candidate: 5 votes (Meryl Streep was also a total beast in the remake)
– Other: 1 vote for “The mom from Home Alone who keeps forgetting about her youngest child” (one time was bad, but two times? good god, lady)
Eat Pray Love (2010)
VERDICT:
4/10 Emergency Sabbaticals
Well, I heard the book was good.
Eat Pray Love is about a woman who goes through an ugly divorce, quickly rebounds into a relationship with a younger guy, quickly realizes that she’s a mess and shacking up with a struggling actor isn’t helping, so she quickly jumps to the conclusion that she’s gonna take a year off. And so begins her quest to rediscover the woman she once was by eating ’til her pants burst in Italy, praying herself silly at an ashram in India and allowing herself to love again with a saucy Brazilian stud she meets over in Bali.
I might be the last person on Earth who can claim this, but I’ve never read the book this is based off of. I know, I need to get my head out of the sand and get in touch with my inner-woman stat, but all the same, I feel like something must have gotten lost in translation.
Now, I’ve never met Liz Gilbert, I don’t know a damn thing about her outside of what a good writer she apparently is, but judging by the insano popularity that her memoir has garnered over the past, what, 300 years now, I’m thinking she’s probably a likable gal, someone you’d probably enjoy hanging out with during a year-long international journey of self-discovery. Then again, no one’s perfect, but the problem here is that as much as we all love Julia Roberts, she didn’t really manage to get that “I totally get you, Liz” vibe across to me.
Strangely enough, she’s actually kind of blah. Actually, everyone here is kind of blah.
Thanks to Freaks and Geeks and his turn as Saul Silver – the true 21st Century stoner – I usually of the mindset that James Franco is pretty sweet, but he’s nothing short of meh as Liz’s new boyfriend, David. Never been a big fan of Billy Crudup, but he’s awfully meh as well as Liz’s first husband, Stephen, and the total douche move he pulls during their first wedding dance isn’t helping him any either. And as much as I love Javier Bardem, I couldn’t help but wonder what a badass was doing in this movie as Liz’s Brazilian hunk, Felipe. He’s fine, it just doesn’t seem to be the kind of role befitting of his suave-ass self. And too bad that Viola Davis hardly gets any screen time, ’cause she’s legit. But in the cast’s defense, the script makes them sound like they’re all reading off cue cards instead of trying to convey actual human emotion, so I’ll let ‘em off the hook this once.
But then there’s my man Richard Jenkins.
Richard Jenkins.
Richard Jenkins!
RICHARD JENKINS!
Folks, remember that name, you’ll be glad you did. He plays Richard (awfully convenient), the only other white American at the Indian ashram who eventually serves as Liz’s catalyst in helping her get past her divorce, and in keeping with his most incredible performance in The Visitor, he is very much the man. Whereas everyone else in this movie feels like actors reading their lines, Jenkins is a saving grace as the one genuine, authentic human being of the bunch and the five minutes he’s given to really let loose are the best five minutes of the whole effing movie by a long shot. Man, I could gush about this guy like crazy because he deserves to be a household name at this point, but I’ll save you the trouble and let you see for yourself when he inevitably gets an Oscar nod for this.
Richard Jenkins. So awesome.
So this movie’s got its fair share of issues, but there is still something totally wonderful about it. It’s more a testament to Liz Gilbert and her book than anything else, but since there can’t be a single person on this Earth who hasn’t wanted to drop everything, smash open that piggy bank, get the hell out of dodge and just take a year for yourself in the one, two or three places on your bucket list that you’ve always wanted to visit, it’s very cool to come across someone who actually took that leap. It’s damn inspiring, it makes me want to fast track it over to Bali like you wouldn’t believe, and it’s great to see someone who didn’t just wait for the right time to present itself like we all do.
For all of Ryan Murphy’s bizarre direction that’s chock full of unnecessary zooms like he just discovered where the button on the camera was and the way he rushes the plot along in total “Let’s get this over with” fashion, I wouldn’t be surprised if Italy’s, India’s and Bali’s tourism departments were sending him blank checks this past weekend. Absolutely gorgeous scenery (well, maybe not so much India), and while it’s not quite a cultural love letter on the lines of The Motorcycle Diaries or Lost in Translation, it’s hard not to be pretty envious of all the folks that were involve with making this movie/paid vacation.
On the one hand, Eat Pray Love probably wasn’t my thing to begin with, but, as always, I kept an open mind and gave it more than a fair shot. It might be more interesting if you’ve read the book, but since the only reason I want to read the book now is because it has to be better than this, don’t quote me on that. Julia’s done far better, she’s more just playing the part here than anything else, but at least we’ve got Jenkins. Could have been worse, but considering how huge the source material’s become, I’m thinking it should have been much better.
Q & A
So after digging the hell out of Hatter’s latest post where his most epic fan club (me included) outright barraged him with more blogging/movie questions than any man would know what to do with, I couldn’t help but be jealous of the guy. So on that note, I’ve added a new “Q & A” page up there at the top as a tribute of sorts – carrying along the torch, if you will. Seemed like as good a time as any to kick this baby in to gear with all the meme love and general nostalgia that’s been going around as of late, so shoot me all your movie/blogging/Vietnam questions if you feel so inclined and I’d just be tickled pink to answer ’em in this ongoing little experiment of mine.
So once again, thanks way in advance for reading, writing and all that good stuff, giddy as a toddler with some Pixy Stix to see how this plays out.
And go see Scott Pilgrim already!
The Films That Defined Me
So my man Marc over at Go, See, Talk! has put together this nifty little meme asking all us nerds to run down by genre all the movies that shaped our celluloid minds. Some of these might be repeats, but they’re all from the heart, and isn’t that what really matters?
Beautiful, Aiden. Just beautiful.
Well, here we go…
HORROR
Child’s Play & Evil Dead II
Yeah, it’s pretty stupid, pretty dated and as un-freightening as you can get by today’s standards, but due to a series of unfortunate events involving a highly impressionable five-year-old Aiden walking into the last fifteen minutes of this movie and witnessing Chucky holding a butcher knife over a boy who looked an awful lot like yours truly, this sure did the trick. Not the best horror movie by any means, but the only one I’ve ever had a healthy fear of for an outrageously lengthy amount of time. It wasn’t until stumbling upon Evil Dead II (my personal fave) in High School that I gained a entirely newfound respect for the genre, but that ginger doll still creeps me out like no other.
ACTION
The Matrix
Literally must have watched this 30+ times when I finally got it on VHS back in the day. Still mindblowing, still cool as hell, favorite fight scene is probably between Neo and Smith in the train station, I just couldn’t get enough of this thing. One of the all-time great action movies.
SCI-FI
Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope
Hard to beat the day I discovered Star Wars, though I do have fond memories watching 2001 and Planet of the Apes with my dad during a Summer-long sci-fi fest in Junior High. All classics.
DOCUMENTARY
Bowling for Columbine
Yeah, it didn’t come out until I was in High School, but this was probably when I finally realized that “documentary” wasn’t the same thing as “boring way to spend two hours”. Not too keen on the whole Chuck Heston scene as I once was, and it took me a while to realize that this movie is about far more than just gun control, but Michael Moore sure did a bang-up job of breaking through my preconceived notions. Thanks, buddy.
COMEDY
Monty Python and the Holy Grail & Dumb and Dumber
The only two times I’ve ever watched a movie and had to hold my groin for two hours straight because I was that close to passing out from laughter and pissing myself in public. Actually ran into The Gas Man on the train the other day and somehow gathered up the cojones to tell him, “You were great in Dumb and Dumber. You just made my day.” The dude was beaming, we shook hands, he waved to me while leaving the train long after the moment had ended, it was beautiful. One of the many perks of living in NYC and having a Rain Man-like memory for C-list actors.
DRAMA
Ordinary People & Glengarry Glen Ross
Was tempted to say Braveheart for this one since that really threw me for a loop as a youngster – enough so that I had it at my #1 spot for a while – but Ordinary People really is in a league of its own. First movie I ever owned, still one of the greatest family dramas you’ll ever find, unbelievable acting and writing, shook me right to the core. And as for Glengarry, it’s the best script I’ve ever heard. Like a darker, meaner version of 12 Angry Men, it’s one of the greatest examples of what you can do with great writing and a room full of guys who know how to act and say the F-word like a pro.
WESTERN
Once Upon a Time in the West
The first Western I remember liking was Tombstone, but it wasn’t until I saw Once Upon a Time in High School that I truly fell in love with the genre. Leone at his best, amazing that he managed to outdo himself after Good, Bad, Ugly. That Charlie Bronson and Henry Fonda were no freakin’ joke. You know, Once Upon a Time in High School actually sounds like a pretty damn good idea. Just what The Breakfast Club was missing.
THRILLER
Jagged Edge
Man, I haven’t seen this in ages, no idea if it’s as good as I remember, but I was all about it back in the day. Seems to be one of those movies that time forgot, but a pretty wild mystery thriller worth checking out all the same.
SPORTS
Breaking Away
I wish I had actually paid more attention to Hoosiers as a kid, because I’m thinking that would have been a top contender for this spot, but after resently revisiting Breaking Away, this one’s hard to deny. REFUND?!?!
FANTASY
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Still need to get around to this LotR marathon I keep pushing back, but this was a game-changer for me, far more so than the sequels. So much better than the book (at least those painfully boring first hundred pages in the Shire), must have seen it at least three times in theaters and was one of the few movies I was flat-out giddy to own on DVD. Just amazing on every front. Awesome.
Can’t think of any more genres to run through right now, so that’s a wrap until further notice. Hop on over to GST to check out the rest of the entries and join in the love, they will change your life.
Back to the Future (1985)
One of the best time travel movies out there and the ultimate go-to when no one can come to a consensus on what the hell to watch.
Back to the Future is about High School kid who just can’t seem to catch a break in his one-horse town, that is until his friend – a mad scientist, naturally – turns a ridiculous sports car into a time machine and accidentally sends him thirty years into the past to the days when his parents were still single. Lo and behold, he ends up altering history, his mom starts hitting on him instead of his dad, and he spends the rest of his short time in the Fifties struggling to get back home and make things right so that his mom will stop trying to get him in the sack.
Man, what’s not to love about this movie? This is right up there with Raiders of the Lost Ark and Ghostbusters in that no matter how much time goes by, no matter how many inferior sequels/remakes get churned out (because, let’s face it, this is totally gonna get remade one day, and probably with Zac Efron), no matter how young, old, masculine, feminine, dead or alive you are, Back to the Future is one of those rare gems that will always be awesome. It’s hard to single out one thing about what’s made this movie so iconic over the years because it’s pretty much a total blast from start to finish, but the best way I can sum this up is that it’s a textbook example of how you make a bangin’ Summer blockbuster without having to sacrifice quality or originality.
And on top of that, it’s working with time travel. What a pain in the ass.
When you consider all the plotholes that a film maker has to be constantly avoiding along with the inevitable meningitis-inducing afterthoughts that come with trying to figure out whether or not the characters will keep going back in time and re-live their lives for all of eternity after everything’s said and done, the genre can tend to be pretty hit-or-miss. You take a movie like Primer and you’re more or less resigned to taking Nyquil on a daily basis just to calm your brain down enough to get a good 2 hours of sleep, but the thing that director Robert Zemeckis and writer Bob Gale do well throughout is that they keep it simple. Nothing too tricky, just give it the old A Sound of Thunder treatment, throw in a pimped out time machine and outright refuse to waste a minute with anything that’s going to remotely bore the audience. A solid formula if there ever was one, no idea why it isn’t followed more religiously.
But from the outrageous increase in DeLorean sales that this spurred to the “Flux Capacitor” practically earning its way into Webster’s to every last running gag about the reality of living in the ’80s to the fact that every single actor in this movie will always be remembered as Biff, Doc or one of the McFlys, there’s something almost magical about this movie. It’s just pure fun, it’s like a thrill ride that you just want to get right back on line for as soon as it spits you back out, and even though you know all know all the dips, turns and loops by heart, they’re just as exhilarating as they were that first time over the hill. Heavy, I know, but you gotta love that constant sense of urgency this movie has going for it that pits Marty in one insanely time-constrained and impossible-to-solve situation after another right up until that clock tower bites it.
And the cast really is great. Christopher Lloyd – who has tragically fallen off the face of the Earth – is so freakin’ good as Doc Brown. He’s got that “neurotic Einstein” shtick down pat with those bug eyes and permanently-electrified hair and he’s a perfect opposite to Marty’s too-cool-for-school life preserver and matching Huey-Lewis-is-my-personal-Jesus attitude. Thomas Wilson plays Biff Tannen – the quintessential meathead asshole – to a tee, and Lea Thompson is fantastic as Mary’s mom, Lorraine. But Crispin Glover (aka: Earth’s Creepiest Human) is the man as George McFly. Damn, when he clenches up that fist of his and cold clocks Biff like a total badass outside the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance? You’re a filthy liar if you’ve didn’t cheer out loud during that scene.
And, of course, there’s Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly, and what a dreamboat he is. Mike is so damn likable as Marty, he fits the role like a glove (sorry, Eric Stoltz), and like we all didn’t want to just run outside, steal a kid’s skateboard and grab on to the back of the nearest pick up truck as soon this movie ended ’cause of him. God, Michael J. Fox rules.
Man, it blows my mind when I meet people over ten-years-old who still haven’t seen this movie. Not that it’s gonna be any worse if the first time you see it is on your deathbed, but Back to the Future is synonymous with my youth and it’s just as great with each new time I revisit it. Still have no idea have Marty and Doc got together in the first place, but whatever, this movie is a total riot and you’d be hard-pressed to find a more enjoyable way to spend two hours plopped in front of your TV. It’s not a 10, but it’s close.
Did make for a pretty awesome ride at Universal Studios though.
Knife in the Water (1962)
VERDICT:
4/10 Lazy Rivers
A bit too artsy-fartsy for its own good.
Knife in the Water is about a middle-aged guy and his young wife who pick up a hitcher after nearly running him over on their way to the marina for a weekend sailing getaway. For some reason or another, the husband decides to invite the drifter along after chewing him out like no other, so they set out for the open seas and thus begins one of the strangest and most awkward weekend excursions this side of that time they went to Bernie’s.
So aside from recently touting The Fountain as one of the greatest movies of the past decade despite my being the only person on Earth who probably thinks so, one of my biggest embarrassments as a “critic” these days is how wildly unfamiliar I still am with Roman Polanski’s long, affluent, and generally treasured career. You’d think that his making the headlines as the new NAMBLA spokesman as of late would have at least prompted me to finally get around to Chinatown or Rosemary’s Baby, but it wasn’t until a recent conversation with a co-worker who’s big into the whole French New Wave thing that I finally got around to expanding my horizons with this cheeky Pol instead of just calling it a day with The Pianist and The Ghost Writer.
As much as I’d like to say that I’ve been a goddamn jackass for bumping this down on the queue for so long, it’s usually not a good sign when you start a movie and then proceed to take a two-hour nap at the start of the final Act. Yeah, I was coming off an all-day training at work so I was a bit tuckered out from partaking in some thirty-odd icebreakers, but it really didn’t help that the movie got exceedingly worse from the time I woke up again and hit PLAY. But whatcha gonna do?
So everything that works about this movie leads right back to Polanski. There’s something to be said for anyone who can make a halfway decent movie that revolves entirely around three folks on a bite-sized schooner, let alone make it look absolutely gorgeous from start to finish, but that’s exactly what he does. For a debut effort, it’s hard to ignore his skill behind the camera and he does a great job of cranking up the strangely uncomfortable suspense when it’s not just dragging along. Man, beautiful cinematography, and for such an oldie, it’s pretty amazing how these fantastically simple images don’t feel dated in the least. A saving grace if there ever was one.
But then there’s everything else, and I don’t really know where to place to blame.
You’d think that one of the big requirements that comes with a movie making it into the Criterion Collection is that it’s been remastered to a point of near-perfection, right? Call me crazy, but those DVDs don’t come cheap for a reason. But oddly enough, this here is the exception to the rule as it seems like maybe 70%-80% of the dialogue was actually translated from Polish to English while the rest of it just sits there defiantly in its native language, leaving me desperate to know what in the eff they’re talking about far more often than I would have cared to. I’m guessing that a good deal of it is just stuff they say in passing, but it really offsets the dialogue as a whole and it does a huge disservice to the script when you have to piece it together for yourself. Why this happened, I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: it sucks. Someone needs to write a letter.
But that’s not the only problem with the dialogue. Everything about these characters, their actions and their conversations didn’t feel genuine in the least, it just felt weird and all too often lacked motive, explanation or normal human emotion. One particular encounter between the wife and the hitcher at the end of the story felt completely out of the blue and unprovoked and I really didn’t know what the hell to make of it, especially since it’s clearly intended to be a huge turning point in the dynamic between the three characters. I don’t know, there were a lot of times where the characters inexplicably go from one emotional extreme to another and not enough consistency in terms of maintaining plausible lines of thought which lead to plausible courses of action. Just too many “What did that come from?” moments.
The acting is fine from our three characters and I guess they do their best with the material, but it’s hard for me to develop a connection when I have no explanation for their wacko behavior.
If I had seen this in a Film Studies class with some hoity-toity prof analyzing the shit out of it, something tells me I would have come away with more than I did, but as is, Knife in the Water might not have been the best place to start my long-overdue journey through Polanksi’s life works. There are certainly some great aspects about it and it does edge towards something awesome, but I gotta say, “snoozefest” is the word of the day right now. All I know is that the next time I see this – which I hope to someday considering that people tend to hold this baby in very high regard – I’m bringing along a 5-Hour Energy shot for the ride and someone had better fix these damn subtitles.
Cut The Crap Movie Reviews 
