VERDICT:

After all that hype, it kinda had to be good.

The Avengers begins with that mega-jerk Loki dropping in on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s underground HQ, jacking the Cosmic Cube right out from under ‘em, and brainwashing a couple key players to do his bidding along the way. When it hits Nick Fury that Loki’s on a mission to open an inter-dimensional portal that’ll open the doors for an alien army to enslave mankind, he starts making some calls. Before he knows it, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Steve Rogers, Natalia Romanova, and freakin’ Thor himself are kickin’ it in a tricked-out aircraft carrier, settling their own differences while scheming up ways to stop that god of mischief before he takes them all down with the rest of us mortals.

Well talk about a long time coming. With the exception of X-Men: First Class, it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen a Marvel movie that wasn’t teasing the shit out of this thing like it was the second coming and we’d be crazy not to be there. But after the disappointments of Iron Man 2 and Thor (yes, I am still the only guy alive who didn’t like Thor), my excitement for The Avengers has waned pretty heavily over the years. Just too much focus on a movie that wouldn’t be out for years, not enough focus on making solid movies for the heroes involved, the movies I’ve been dropping dime on to see on opening night for how many Summers now. As a result, I learned from my mistakes, kept my expectations low, and kept my inner fanboy on his leash while everyone else was counting down the days.

But even now, as I look at that poster, think of how those two-and-a-half hours flew by, feel my grip loosen on that leash…

Damn.

As much as I’d like to say otherwise and save myself from sounding like a kid who just turned thirteen on May 4th, it is pretty effing awesome that this movie exists. It’s a nerd’s wet dream, it’s ambitious as sin, and for a long time, it seemed like nothing more than a wet dream. Thank God this superhero thing caught on like it did. Downplay it all you want, the appeal is there and the money don’t lie. But by the same token, I wouldn’t be saying any of this if The Avengers sucked, ’cause this movie really could have sucked.

I’m still convinced that the reason Spider-Man 3 didn’t work (aside from Peter Parker’s emo phase, of course) is that there were too many villains and just too many side-plots to do them all justice. Get rid of Sandman, have Thomas Haden Church play Venom instead of Topher Grace, I think Spider-Man 4 would be coming out this Summer instead. Same problem with Iron Man 2, only too many heroes. Not to say those were the only problems with those movies, but I think I’m on to something and it’s the same reason I’ve been so nervous about The Dark Knight Rises. Yet here we are with six A-list superheroes with the egos to match, one up-and-coming supervillain with a whole lot of backup, and Samuel L. Jackson shouting and shooting in an eyepatch and a trench coat.

Even without Sam Jackson and his outside voice, they were just asking for it with this one. This was tailor-made to crash and burn in that same ways these movies always crash and burn. But I guess that’s why they brought in Joss Whedon.

I’ll get to the cast in a minute, but the best/weirdest thing about this whole movie for me is how Whedon steals the show from all of ‘em. Most importantly is how well he balances out the screen-time amongst these characters to the point where all of them are constantly present and involved without overshadowing one another. I mean, on the one end are Black Widow and Hawkeye: two characters who I could have cared less about, seemed totally unnecessary from the outset, and whose powers are pretty damn lacking in comparison to the rest of the gang. And on the other end are Thor, Iron Man, Hulk, and Captain America: four guys who do not eff around, totally deserve their spots in the lineup, and could probably kill Black Widow and Hawkeye with the same effort it takes me to wiggle my ears.

But they all represent, they all kick an inordinate amount of ass, and they all have a slew of great scenes that make specific use their specific powers so that they feel truly integral to the story as a whole. Granted, some of the bad guys they face off against look like fish in a barrel at points, but that was a huge accomplishment. If you’ve ever seen Firefly or Serenity, you already know that Whedon can handle a big cast, and needless to say, he handles this one like a seasoned pro. These guys all have their own histories and hangups, they all have their own distinct personalities and values to bring to the table, and I love the way Whedon makes this movie canon by continually referencing their past cinematic adventures. They feel like humans (or gods) as much as they do superhumans, and that could have easily gotten lost in the epic circumstances surrounding them.

The first thing you and your friends’ll do when you walk out of the theater is start talking about who your favorite Avenger was, and thanks to that balance I’m talking about, you’ll all come up with someone different. A thing of beauty right there.

But aside from the nuances of Whedon’s script, I couldn’t believe how funny this movie was, nor was I expecting all the cheer-worthy moments either. The thing is, it’s still your archetypal hero story: Earth is in danger, heroes rise to the occasion, heroes falter, heroes get back up again, heroes save the day. Stay tuned next time, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel. You’ve heard it all before, it’s just the way it’s told that makes all the difference. It’s just a blast that keeps on getting better. It’s superhero story from a guy who loves superhero stories, and it doesn’t take much to see why he got the job.

Whedon, more than anyone else, is why this movie’s as fantastic as it is…but the cast ain’t too shabby either.

If there’s any one Avenger who does kinda steal the show, it’s Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark. There is just so much to like about Downey and Stark in this movie that we’ve always liked about Downey as Stark. The endless supply of one-liners, the simple truth that Iron Man is only getting more badass with time, and the attitude to spare make it pretty clear why he’s in front on the poster. But like I said, it’s hard to steal the show when everyone else is stealing it too. Sam Jackson does a great Sam Jackson as Nick Fury; Mark Ruffalo is solid as Bruce Banner, even though The Hulk blows him out of the water; I liked Chris Hemsworth a whole lot more in this than I did in Thor; Tom Hiddleston was the best part of Thor and is still great here as Loki; Jeremy Renner is cool as Hawkeye; Scarlett Johansson is surprisingly awesome as Black Widow and does a bang-up job of making it known that she’s not just here for the eye candy; and Chris Evans is great as Cap, my only complaint being that they could have fleshed out his character more in terms of where he was at the end of his own movie, but hopefully they’re saving that for Captain America 2. Aside from The Hulk who just can’t catch a break with his franchise, Cap’s easily got the most interesting character arc of the bunch.

There are some things that need to be taken with a grain of salt, like how Bruce Banner magically gets in tune with his greener half and how Tony Stark defies the laws of gravity at a certain point, but if you get hung up on that nonsense, you’re missing all the fun. And let me tell ya’, there’s a lot of fun to be had. So many incredible scenes, total insanity what goes down here.

Yes, it’s a monster of a movie that’s got Hollywood written all over it, but if there’s one thing Joss Whedon has proven as a film maker this year, it’s his ability to exceed the hell out of expectations. I was tired of horror movies, and then along came The Cabin in the Woods, arguably the most significant horror movie of the past decade. I was tired of superhero movies, and then along comes The Avengers, arguably the best superhero movie since The Dark Knight. I, for one, definitely wasn’t expecting that, and I still can’t stop raving about this thing. So what if the formula’s old hat? For a genre that was starting to feel like an assembly line, this feels like a wake up call. It’s a reminder of why we love the formula to begin with and why we keep going to these movies year after year. For the first time in a while, I can’t wait to see a superhero movie, and until The Avengers 2 comes out, the competition’s got a new bar to reach for.

VERDICT:

…or let them sit in the chamber. Whatever.

Set in 1920s China, Let the Bullets Fly is about an infamous bandit who hijacks a wealthy governor’s train, assumes the governor’s identity, and makes for a wealthy town that he plans on robbing. Once inside the town walls, he begins butting heads with a local kingpin who rules over the citizens with an iron fist. Though outwardly civil to one another, the two men start devising plots to take control away from the other and take the town for themselves in the process.

Once I saw the title, once I saw the poster, visions of The Good, The Bad, The Weird began pouring right over me. For those who don’t know, that is a sensation without equal. The Good, The Bad, The Weird is one of the greatest action movies I’ve ever seen, might even be one of the best movies of the past decade for that matter. It’s insane, it’s hilarious, it’s epic, and there just ain’t a weak link in the chain. The thing is, someone involved with this movie obviously saw that movie because there’s quite a lot in common between the two. That’s alright, more film makers could learn a thing or two from that movie. But there is downside to modeling your movie after something so Earth-shatteringly awesome as The Good, The Bad, The Weird: there’s a good chance you’re setting yourself up for failure in the process.

Case in point: Let the Bullets Fly.

In its defense, what an awesome title. John Woo probably dropkicked his dog clear across the Atlantic for not thinking of it first. It’s a title that doesn’t leave much to the imagination, and that’s very much a selling point. Sometimes all you want in a movie is an excuse to veg out while people shoot things for two hours, and this one sounds like a doozie.

And that, dear readers, is why you don’t a judge book by its cover.

In reality, there’s only one real instance where the guns are blazing and the bodies are dropping – where this movie lives up to its name. It’s a good scene, it’s just not good enough to make up for the all other ones that don’t even come close to it. And while there isn’t a scene that goes by without a good old Mexican standoff, it’s usually just thrown in there for effect, like an unnecessary exclamation point, or someone typing in all caps. Most of those usually end in a ceasefire, too. Good times.

Folks, even without expectations, this is all very disappointing and makes for a terribly misleading title. It’d be one thing if its rehashed Robin Hood tale and lengthy scenes of dialogue made up for it, but I’m guessing you already know the answer to that one.

As far as the story goes, it’s a surprisingly tough one to follow, way tougher than it needed to be. Too much talking for the sake of talking, too much repetition from one plot point to the next, “too much” is actually a pretty common them here. Not an impossible story to keep up with, but not sure why it’s so compelled to overcomplicate a storyline that could have benefited from a good dose of simplicity. Although the real problem with this movie is its tone. It’s billed as an action comedy, and though it certainly tries to be just that, it rarely strikes a balance. It’s usually way too dark to be funny, it’s usually way too over-the-top to be funny, and the occasions that it does get some laughs, the moment is awfully fleeting. Dark can be funny, so can over-the-top, but some of the gags here on par with watching a whoopee cushion at a funeral or a Mr. Sparkle commercial out of context. As much as I can give it points for trying, none of it really gels and so much of the movie relies on it.

Not to mention that some of the scenes and plot developments are flat-out fuckin’ nonsense. For instance, a particular scene where one of the gangster’s henchmen accuses one of the bandit’s henchmen of eating an extra bowl of jelly without having paid for it. After a brief argument that escalates faster and higher than any jelly argument has ever reached, the bandit’s henchman decides there is only one way to clear his good name. Cue him pulling out his knife and performing seppuku on himself, then scooping out the contents of his stomach into a jelly bowl before dropping dead.

I don’t even know. I guess I was supposed to laugh or something.

Needless to say, the movie kinda lost me at that point and never quite recovered. Maybe I just don’t have the same sense of honor that these bandits take oh so seriously, but even just having read the description, that’s a pretty stupid scene, right? That was the best they could come up with to kill off a character without having him murdered?

Death by jelly. Classic China.

But hey, at least the cast is fine. Director/star Wen Jiang is easily the most watchable as infamous bandit Pocky Zhang; Chow Yun-Fat is a tad much as the town kingpin; and that’s about it for people you might know/people I’d care to mention. Yeah, that wasn’t much of an endorsement either. 5 is starting to sound like a pretty generous Verdict. Anyway…

Apparently this was a kimono-crapper of a hit in its homeland of China, so either I’m totally missing something or China’s got some low-ass expectations. There’s also a strong possibility that it just got lost in translation, and immediately comparing it to one of the best movies I’ve seen in years certainly didn’t help either. Still, I wouldn’t go so far as to call Let the Bullets Fly a bad movie, it’s just kinda there. It’s clear that some effort went into making this, and some things are actually kinda fun, but my fondest memory of Let the Bullets Fly was how uninterested I was in this long, boring movie.

Always a great feeling to walk away with.

VERDICT:

What can’t Steven Soderbergh do?

Haywire is about a secret agent working in the private sector of the US government who gets hand-picked to handle an overseas rescue mission. After she does her job like the boss she is, she gets shipped off to Dublin for a routine operation where all she has to do is look pretty and play wife to a fellow agent. Lo and behold, she comes to find that the whole thing’s a set-up, she barely escapes with her life, and she starts leaving a trail of bodies in her wake as she sets out to find who the heck wanted her dead and why.

I wish Steven Soderbergh did more movies like this. I don’t mean that as a slight on his other movies, because if my excitement for Magic Mike is any indication, I’ll see just about anything if it’s got his name on the bill…even if it is Flashdance with dudes. Nevertheless, this is his bread and butter. Put this alongside Out of Sight and The Limey, and I think you’ve got a strong case for Soderbergh being one of the coolest goddamn directors of all-time. High praise right there, some might say too high, but in a world where far too many directors have lost touch with what “cool” is, Soderbergh has proven himself a constant reminder.

Now, without having seen the movie, it doesn’t sound like there’s much to this story that hasn’t been done before. Spy gets a burn notice, spy gets underestimated, spy turns the tables, spy does some burning of her own. No, it isn’t scoring too high in the originality department, but that’s okay. Even with the predictable plot, it’s still fun to be kept in the dark and wonder what’s going down behind closed doors. Come on, it’s a movie about spies offing spies, of course it’s intriguing. I don’t know about the rest of ya’s, but I don’t think this is a sub-genre anyone’s grown particularly tired of, and that alone makes it easy to overlook some of its more familiar qualities. It’s the same reason we’re up to 23 Bond movies and still chomping at the bit for more.

Although what does make this different is the way it’s executed. For starters, the score here is effing amazing. It’s like watching an action movie set to Bitches Brew, and if that doesn’t do it for ya’, then you need to drop what you’re doing and go listen to Miles. It’s not the first time Soderbergh’s gone with jazz to set the mood, it worked like gangbusters in Out of Sight, and, once again, it’s the perfect complement to the film’s tone and Soderbergh’s direction. I don’t know what else to say, it’s just that freaking good. It’s like time traveling back to the ’70s, a time when cool came in droves until Wham! ruined it for everybody.

Look, just go listen to Miles. You’ll understand.

But aside from the score, I really dig how stripped-down this movie is. There isn’t a lot of dialogue, everyone is all business and to the point, and most importantly, everyone uses their inside voices. That, dear readers, is the best kind of dialogue. I like getting my information on a need-to-know basis and I appreciate scripts that don’t feel compelled to spell everything out every step of the way. Would have been nicer if more of the plot was driven by story and dialogue than by globe-trotting beat-downs, but there is a decent story here, certainly decent enough to elevate this from being a mindless excuse to watch Gina Carano go ape on the opposite sex.

Then again, it is awesome watching Gina Carano go ape on the opposite sex.

I don’t speak for the majority, but I’m the kind of guy who likes his action movies raw. That hallway fight scene from Oldboy? That’s what I’m talkin’ about. I don’t need drawn-out firefights, I don’t need computer-generated ninjas on wires, I don’t need car chases where I can’t even tell what I’m watching ’cause the director won’t stop shaking the damn camera. I need people getting down and dirty, mano-a-mano, without all the bells and whistles. Soderbergh knows what I’m talking about, and he doesn’t pull punches.

There are a whole bunch of fight scenes here, more so than I was expecting, and each one managed to get a good “Goddamn!” out of me at some point or other. And I love how camera gets right up in the mix without getting in the way of the fight choreography, because the choreography is on-freakin’-point. It makes real good use out of Carano’s MMA chops and it is scrappy as all hell, like how one would imagine a one-on-one trained killer fight would go. It’s just an action movie after my own heart: a no frills, no-nonsense exercise in people beating the tar out of each other. It’s like watching a live-action remake of the best Tekken matches of my youth, and that is a-okay by me.

So I think I’ve made it crystal that the action here ain’t lacking, but the acting ain’t too bad either. Carano doesn’t have to do a whole lot thanks to how played-down the speaking scenes are, so she makes due and gets it done. And taking the brunt of Carano’s punishment are the absolute handsomest devils off of Hollywood’s A-list, none of whom are particularly known for having their asses handed to them. We’ve got Ewan McGregor, Antonio Banderas, Michael Douglas, Michael Fassbender, Bill Paxton, and Channing Tatum, all of whom are solid, even if they are spread a bit thin. Despite this being the second time I’ve actually liked a Channing Tatum movie, there isn’t much to highlight in the acting department. All the same, everyone’s as good as they usually are and they do a great job of shadowboxing convincingly against a gal who beats people into goo for a living.

Haywire doesn’t do anything all that new as far as action thrillers go, but what it does do, it does exceptionally well. It bleeds style, it runs at a seamless pace, and it’s just one of those movies where it seems like everything’s working in unison. Perhaps my Soderbergh love has swayed me, but I had a blast. It’s been a while since I’ve seen such a slick action movie. And, honestly, what’s not to love about Gina Carano? There will never be enough tough, badass women in the world of movies, and Soderbergh deserves a high-thirty for seeing the potential in Carano and essentially making a movie that revolves entirely around the beast that she is.

Sarah Connor would be proud.

CAPTAIN AMERICA!

Folks, I had a post all ready to go last night declaring Tony Stark the victor, but leave it to the good old U.S. of A. to pull off an overnight squeaker. Steve Rogers, man. What a badass.

Apologies for the two-week poll, but thought I’d let this one simmer until the movie actually came out. Still haven’t seen it yet, so don’t ruin anything for me, but we shall discuss this further next week.

Swell voting, folks.

RESULTS:
- Captain America: 13 votes
- Iron Man: 12 votes
- Hulk: 10 votes
- Black Widow: 9 votes (she must freakin’ destroy in that movie, ’cause that seems like a generous amount of votes)
- Thor: 5 votes
- Hawkeye: 3 votes
- Nick Fury: 2 vote
- Vision: 1 vote (always found him kinda weird)
- Beatrix Kiddo: 1 vote (why not?)
- Spider-Man: 1 vote (am I the only one who thinks Spidey should have been subbed in for Hawkeye instead of getting a series reboot to make up for his absence?)
- Dodge: 1 vote (Dodge Avenger, well played)
- Agent Coulson: 1 vote (nice)

So The Kid from The Kid in the Front Row‘s been making the rounds with some of us movie bloggers lately, asking us about our respective sites and what compels us to write so damn much about movies? Being that I’ve asked myself that same question, I jumped at the opportunity and done got myself interviewed.

Thanks to The Kid for asking the questions and all the kind words to boot, so without further ado:

KID: “This is going to be a pretty long project since no one told me that blogging is a freakin’ black hole of a commitment.” I love that. When did you realize you’d lost your life to blogging?

ME: Oh, man. I don’t know if there was ever a moment where I looked at my life and wondered, “What have I become,” but very early on it hit me that this was gonna be a hard thing to stop. It’s not as all-consuming as it once was though. When I started, I was cranking out anywhere from five to seven reviews a week. It was pretty much all I did with my free time. I used to have a job where I worked from 1pm to 9pm, and every morning I would watch a movie, start a review by lunch, and finish it during my dinner break. I did that five days a week for almost a year. Madness.

Now that I’ve toned it down though, the whole process has become far more enjoyable. I’ve got more hobbies than I know what to do with, so it’s nice to have the time to pursue other interests simultaneously.

Did you design the logo banner at the top? I love it.

Wish I could take credit for that, but my friend Ben Bishop is the man responsible. He’s an artist/graphic novelist (not sure if that’s a thing) up in Maine, and as you can tell, he is the man. I just told him who I wanted him to draw, and he took care of the rest. I don’t like to brag about anything ever, but yeah, it’s awesome as all hell. Seriously, check out/buy his stuff. He’s no joke.

You blog a lot. Do you find it easy to keep your writing fresh and to a standard you’re happy with?

It has gotten easier, and I think a lot of that has to do with, like I said, moderating how much time I put into it. That being said, I’m very much my biggest critic. I can’t even read some of the earlier reviews I wrote, and some of those Verdict catch phrases make me hang my head in shame. Then again, I’m pretty sure a lot of people feel like that about their work. I used to have a couple reviews that I was really proud of and would keep in mind as a standard, but I’ve come to realize that some movies just foster better reviews than others. It’s much easier to write about really good movies or really awful movies than it is to write about something mediocre.

It’s also easier to focus on the quality of what you’re writing when you’re not doing it for the sake of doing it. Took me a while to learn that.

I like the idea of your site, to write in the way, like you say, “The way I would talk about them with my friends.” But, the more you write, I’d imagine the better you get technically, as a writer – so do you find it hard to keep to that approach?

It’s hard in the sense that the site has grown into something almost contradictory to what it started out as. With a slogan like “…for people who don’t read movie reviews,” it doesn’t really make sense to have reviews that are over 1000 words long. That used to make sense when the reviews were clocking in at 500-800 words, but I feel like I’m shortchanging the movie if I don’t write down everything that came to mind while watching it, which is apparently a lot more stuff than it used to be. But I do try to make up for it with what I’m actually saying about the movie. And unless I just finished a six pack or am talking with a fellow film junkie, I almost never ramble at length about a movie the way I do on the site.

But the tone of voice, the way nothing’s very highfalutin – that is how I talk about movies with my friends, and that’s gotten better. It’s absolutely true that the only way to become a better writer is to keep writing. I don’t know, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I’ve learned a lot about why I like and dislike movies in the process. That’s been a huge payoff that I never really expected to gain.

You seem to pretty much catch every new release that’s out there. Do you do that on purpose, because of the blog; or is that something you would do anyway?

Totally ‘cause of the blog. I watched a crap ton of movies before this all started, but it’s reached a whole new level of unhealthiness over the past few years now that I actually have a reason to watch them. These days, it’s rare that I miss a movie I want to see, and the ones I don’t get to are usually a hot piece of cheese anyway. Nonetheless, I’m open to anything and am a firm believer that every movie deserves a fair shake. But, again, moderation is key. Borderline o.d.’d on movies and reviewing after the new year. Just too much of a good thing, was stressing me out like whoa.

You interact a lot with comments – is that something you enjoy doing?

Totally. If people weren’t commenting, I would have stopped this a long time ago. I think for anyone who writes, it means the world to know that people are reading, even if they disagree with you. I’ve never considered myself an authority on movies anyway, so it’s always great to get a discussion going with those who wanna talk.

You’ve won lots of Lammy’s and awards and things. Regrettably, I never really interact with the whole LAMB thing. Do you think I’m missing out? What do you get from being a part of it?

I was big into the LAMB for the first couple years, not so much now, unfortunately, but being a part of it has been awesome. Met some great people along the way and it was integral in gaining the readership that I have now, not to mention how the site looks and reads. Cut The Crap owes a lot to the LAMB.

I just saw your ‘Best Movies of 2011‘ post – and you have hundreds of likes and comments, where did they all come from? Were you featured somewhere?

Yeah, that was nuts. The powers that be that control the Freshly Pressed page on WordPress have been very kind to me in the past, and when that one went up, homeys went crazy. What can I say, man, people love lists. Just hope it got folks to check out some great movies that they wouldn’t have seen otherwise.

What do you do outside of blogging?

 I play too many video games, I’m learning the banjo, I’m training for my first half-marathon, and I’m also writing screenplays, watching movies, and reading avidly. As for work, I’m actually on the prowl since I’m moving to Vermont in a couple months, but if anyone wants to paying me to write reviews for a living, I am all ears.

VERDICT:

Not what I was expecting, and, for once, that’s not a good thing.

Into the Abyss is a documentary about two men from Texas: Michael Perry and Jason Burkett. After being convicted for a senseless triple homicide they committed in 2001, Perry and Burkett were sentenced to death and life in prison, respectively. Through a series of interviews conducted over the course of a year, we hear from the convicts themselves and those they’ve affected since having been brought to justice.

The only other documentary by Werner Herzog that I’ve seen is Grizzly Man, and while I liked Grizzly Man, it wasn’t without it problems, or should I say problem. Don’t get me wrong, the man makes good movies, and I can see why he’s regarded as an Untouchable of sorts in some circles, but the problem, strangely enough, isn’t so much his movies as it is Herzog himself. Despite how intriguing the subjects of his films are – subjects that speak volumes without his involvement – it’s his insistence on writing himself into them that always makes me wonder.

With Grizzly Man, he ultimately used the film as a soap box to voice his opinions on Timothy Treadwell and whether or not the man had any place living amongst bears in the first place. Treadwell alone was more than enough to keep me interested for two hours, but why Herzog found his ramblings to be the perfect complement to a story about a guy who lived with bears is beyond me. See what I’m getting at?

So with Into the Abyss, it’s hard to say what exactly Herzog was trying to get at.

It all starts out with him interviewing a priest who talks about how his time spent with death row inmates has made him realize how fragile and important life truly is. Then it shifts to Herzog interviewing Michael Perry – the convict on death row with less than two weeks left to live. With formalities out of the way, Herzog tells Perry that even though he might not like him, he does respect him because he doesn’t believe in capital punishment. At that point, I’m thinking this is a great setup for a death penalty documentary, something that’s gonna divide viewers like gangbusters and get them talking ’til they’re screaming. This is a movie I would love to see.

But that’s not the movie I got.

Instead, Herzog shifts gears and talks with an officer who goes over the triple homicide and takes us to where the bodies were found. Then he talks with the family members of the victims, asking them where they were when they heard the news and whether they were close with their siblings. Then he talks to a prison guard who used to oversee executions. Then he talks to Jason Burkett’s father, a guy who’s spent pretty much his entire life behind bars. Then he talks to Burkett’s wife. Then he talks with a guy who kind of knew Burkett, and proceeds to ask him a lot of questions about what it’s like to learn how to read at such a late age. And, no, I have no clue why he got so hung up on that tidbit.

After starting things off the way he did, I don’t know why Herzog decided to halt his initial line of questioning that was working so well. These are the people who would have some incredibly compelling opinions on the death penalty, yet most of their time is spent talking about anything but. And not that what they do have to say isn’t compelling in its own right, it was just a lost opportunity for Herzog to ask the question that everyone watching this will undoubtedly be thinking: “Do Michael Perry and Jason Burkett deserve to die?” On top of that, this isn’t Rhode Island we’re talkin’ about, this is Texas, a state where you get the chair for jaywalking. This is a story that revolves around a triple homicide, and with the setting to boot, I couldn’t think of a more (for lack of a better word) ideal platform to really talk about the death penalty from all sides of the equation.

What makes it worse was that watching Herzog question these people was like watching a prosecutor lead a witness. If the interviewee doesn’t feel like talking about something or finishes a thought without saying what Herzog wants to hear, he’ll ask them a follow-up question that get them to do just that, without fail. For example:

Herzog approaches the bench, “How do you feel about what happened to your brother?”

The woman weeps into the microphone, “I don’ know. I can’t put it into words.”

Herzog persists, “Would you say that you’re feeling…sad?”

She nods, “Yes, I’m feeling sad.”

“Objection, your honor!,” yells Aiden from behind, kicking out his chair like a total boss.

END SCENE.

One of the great thing about documentaries is that they capture life as it happens, not as a filmmaker wants it to happen. Maybe I’m just naive when it comes to what really happens on the set of a documentary, but something about putting words in people’s mouths strikes me as a serious slight towards the beauty of the medium and it only mutes the impact of what’s being said in the first place.

As much as Herzog’s approach tainted the experience for me, it is his movie and it’s as much his prerogative to put himself into it as it is mine to write myself into a review. If that means getting on a soapbox or forcing a conversation of sorts, then so be it. Then again, this isn’t his story. He’s not the one in shackles, he’s not the one whose family’s been murdered. The stories I’m anxious to hear aren’t his, and I wish he’d taken that into greater account.

Although, like Timothy Treadwell, the interviewees do make up for it. The tragic lives of these people are completely foreign to me, ones I never hope to empathize with, but given their circumstances and what they’ve had to go through, their testimonies hit home. It’s heartbreaking to hear Burkett’s father talk about having to celebrate Thanksgiving with his son behind bars. It’s eerie to hear the former guard talk about his days as executioner. And, more than anything, it’s scary to hear Michael Perry deny his horrific crimes to the teeth, right up to his injection. Brought back visions of Rashomon and the things people will say to clear their conscience, even with death at the door. And speaking of bizarre, don’t even get me started on Burkett’s wife who fell for him after she started writing letters to him in prison. I will never understand that kind of “love.”

I’ve been on a mean streak as of late in the great documentary front, so much so that I can’t even remember the last time one left me so lukewarm. As a portrait of people coping with, and/or preparing for, death, Into the Abyss is fascinating. As a testament to anything more insightful than that, it falters under Herzog’s ego. Ultimately, it’s less of a conversation than it is a passing glance at life, and that’s a shame given the potential at his disposal. So much more could have been gained from the people in this movie, but what is gained is nevertheless worth hearing.

VERDICT:

Finally.

The Cabin in the Woods is about a jock, a blonde, a burnout, a token black guy, and a pure-of-heart virgin who go road trippin’ to a backwoods shanty for the weekend. Despite the ominous warnings signs that keep popping up left-and-right, they unpack, settle in, and get to partying. Then one of them gets curious, accidentally unleashes the forces of evil, and whaddaya know, their weekend gets totally ruined.

Yup, sounds like a “cabin in the woods” movie, and, no, that Verdict is not a typo. This here is the most significant, intelligent, and perfectly-executed contribution to horror in almost a decade. It’s also hilarious. I shit you not. Unfortunately, I can’t go into any specifics as to why that is, but let me try with a question:

When was the last time you saw a really great horror movie?

I’m not talking about the last one that made you lose bowel control, and I sure as hell ain’t talking about Paranormal Activity 3. I’m talking about the gamechangers, the ones that not only scared you silly, but achieved something truly unique in the process. As far as the last ten years go, I could count ‘em on one hand: Shaun of the Dead, The Descent, The Ring, The Orphanage, and 28 Days Later. By that math, it’s been four years since I last saw a really great horror movie, and that, my friends, is weak. Different strokes for different folks, but as someone who really likes horror movies, there just haven’t been enough good’ns to balance out all the knock-offs.

See, the problem with shitty horror movies is that they keep on cannonballing into the same old pitfalls and/or keep on recycling the same old gimmicks. I mean, why are stupid people still being written into these movies? How many times have we sat through a movie only to hear echoes of “Don’t go into that cellar, yo! YOU GONNA DIE!” through the theater? No shit you shouldn’t go into that cellar! The guy in row six shouldn’t have to tell you not to do that, especially when no one in their right mind would do that in the first place.

And lookee here, y’all! It’s another “found footage” movie, only this time it’s with some dumbass teens who go vacationing in the ruins of fucking Chernobyl of all places. NO! Terrible vacation spot! Turn off the camera and go get ripped in Cancun with the rest of your horny teenage friends. Problem solved!

Serenity now. Such is the gift and the curse of The Blair Witch Project.

As much as I love horror movies, most of the time it’s just frustrating to love horror movies. The reason I’m saying all this is because The Cabin in the Woods knows where I’m coming from, it feels my pain. Back when I was in college, I daydreamed about writing a script like this: a horror movie by two guys who are fed up with horror movies. And it’s about damn time someone made this movie, because as the figures show, things haven’t gotten any better.

For as long as they’ve been around, horror movies have gotten all-too-easily written off as nothing more than blood, boobs, and cheap scares. And that sucks. It’s like how everyone knows Stephen King as “the horror guy” yet so many forget what a great writer he is, not to mention that we wouldn’t have Shawshank or Stand By Me if it weren’t for him. But by the same taken, a lot of the criticism is warranted. It’s a genre that’s grown increasingly comfortable with mediocrity because exorcisms make for big paydays and the masses will pay up. Granted, this isn’t a problem that’s exclusive to horror movies, but it’s a problem all the same. I don’t know what it’s gonna take to get people to start taking this genre seriously again, maybe another Seven or Silence of the Lambs would help, but we gotta stop supporting ones that are just piggybacking off the last big hit.

With that being said, this is a huge step in the right direction. It’s a brilliant premise, a brilliant vision, and it’s brilliantly executed by everyone involved. It’s just one more reason to thank the Nerd Gods for writer/producer Joss Whedon, and writer/director Drew Goddard is gonna have a tough time topping this with his eventual sophomore effort. And as far as the cast goes, it’s great across the board. I think the last thing I (or anyone else for that matter) saw Bradley Whitford in was Billy Madison, but I’m glad he dug himself out of that pit of obscurity ’cause he’s a freaking riot here in a role that I’m not at will to talk about. Same goes for the mighty Richard Jenkins in a role I can’t talk about either (why doesn’t that man have an Oscar yet?). All the teens are perfectly cast as well, but newcomer Fran Kranza totally steals the show as the guy we’ve all been waiting for to show up in a horror movie. The guy in row six knows what I’m talkin’ about.

I really wish I could write more about this because I could geekout something fierce, but I guess that’s what the Comments section’s for. Although I will say this: if you love horror movies and have been continually disappointed by them for all the same shortcomings, your prayers have been answered. Even though it’s a whole lot funnier than it is scary, The Cabin in the Woods is nevertheless a watershed moment for the genre. And regardless of genre, it’s hard to find a movie so astute as this.

In fact, the only folks I can imagine not liking this movie are people who have literally never seen a horror movie before, or people who actually go into this hoping to see dumb kids get killed in the woods again. If you’re in the first group, I understand; horror ain’t for everyone and this isn’t a good place to start getting familiar. But if you’re in the second group, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You deserve to be robbed of $13 just as much as those kids deserve to die for not sticking together.

Anyway, I’ve rambled enough and you get the idea. This is one of them gamechangers, simple as that.

THE THREE STOOGES!

Has anyone seen this yet? Is it as awful as it sounds? It sounds pretty awful.

Either way, scrapin’ the bottom of the barrel here, folks. Can’t wait to see what Hollywood’s got in store for us next year.

RESULTS:
- The Three Stooges: 6 votes
- Red Dawn: 4 votes
- The Amazing Spider-Man: 4 votes (was Spidey 3 really that bad?)
- Snow White and the Huntsman: 2 votes
- Total Recall: 2 vote (absolutely no reason to remake that movie)
- LOL: 2 votes
- 21 Jump Street: 1 vote
- Dredd: 1 vote (well, it can’t be worse than the original)
- Mirror Mirror: 1 vote
- Contraband: 0 votes
- Silent House: 0 votes
- Dark Shadows: 0 votes
- The Great Gatsby in 3D: 0 votes (ZERO VOTES?! WHAT?!)
- Sparkle: 0 votes
- “They really are remaking Judge Dredd, Total Recall, and Red Dawn?”: 1 vote (preachin’ the choir, man)

So much better.

VERDICT:
10/10 Uncommon Men

Lightning in a bottle, folks.

Undefeated is a documentary about the Manassas Tigers: a high school football team from Memphis, TN that’s been the laughing stock of their league for as long as anyone can remember. They rarely won a game, they never made it to the playoffs, and the only way they got funding was when other teams paid them to lose. For upwards of a Century, this was business as usual, but then a local businessman signed on as their volunteer coach and all that started to change. Four years later, the Freshman are now Seniors, and with their futures in the balance, they take their last shot at a winning season.

Apologies to the five of you who are still tweaking out over The Artist, but if there was one saving grace of the Oscars this year, it was Undefeated winning for Best Documentary. Since it premiered at SXSW last year and only made it to a handful of theaters this past February, I’m pretty sure it messed up some Oscar brackets as a result, but if any movie (aside from The Interrupters) deserved the win, this was it.

Now after reading that synopsis and looking at that poster, there’s a chance you’re already thinking: this sounds like the same damn underdog sports movie we get every year. For a lot of people, that still ain’t much of a deterrent, but for the skeptics, you just gotta trust me. This is different, this is better. This is Hoosiers, The Blind Side, Rudy, Rocky, Breaking Away, and Friday Night Lights all rolled into one. If you have a favorite sports movie, you’ll find some if it here, but more than anything else, this is Hoop Dreams. That right there is a movie that I could go on about, but one of the many things that separates Hoop Dreams as one of the greatest sports movies of all-time is that it’s about so much more than basketball. I’ll save the diatribe for its own full review, but the CliffsNotes version is that Hoop Dreams was about the broken world we live in, and the basketball prodigies it focused on just happened to be the ones who brought it all to light. Had it been adapted from a script, it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as effective. But because it was real, it was impossible to forget the story of Arthur Agee and William Gates.

I mean, come on, if the choice was between watching Miracle or watching the actual ’86 US hockey team upset those Commie bastards, I don’t even think Kurt Russell would choose the former. Nothing beats the real thing when it comes to sports. It’s why we watch.

With that being said, these are the reasons why Undefeated isn’t just another sports movie: because it’s about so much more than football, and, most importantly, because it’s real. As much as I love documentaries and would love to some day make one, this is one of those documentaries that makes me wanna stick to writing fiction. You see a movie like this and you can’t help but wonder: what were the freakin’ chances. The sheer timing of this movie and how everything came together the way does is beyond mind-boggling. It’s probably easier to call it fate. I don’t know what led directors Daniel Lindsay and T.J. Martin to this inner-city school in Memphis, I don’t know what made them start filming during the season they did, and I don’t know how they ended up with so many incredible individuals to focus on. I hate using the phrase “movie magic” because who the hell actually says “movie magic,” but there must have been some kind of voodoo witchcraft involved with how this all came together. Whatever the explanation, I’m just glad there were cameras around.

But it’s funny, because most of the movie doesn’t even take place on the field. It’s a movie about a football team and we hardly even get to see them play. Then again, that leads us right back to square one: this isn’t really about football anyway. The heart of this story is the relationship amongst Coach Bill Courtney and his players and watching how these young men handle the challenges of life, challenges that would leave a lot of people broken and beaten.

Their grades are slipping, the roofs on their homes are literally caving in, some of their parents are either dead or in jail, and they have a million other reasons to pack it up and turn into the high school dropouts that so many people expect them to be. But they don’t.

Coming from a social work background, it was inspiring and then some to see the way Courtney works with his team. I’ve worked with kids like these, and when things aren’t going their way, getting through to them can be enough to make someone in Courtney’s shoes give up. But he doesn’t. If they storm out of a team meeting, he gets in his car, goes to their home, finds out what’s wrong, gets them back on their feet, and brings them back to resume the meeting. I’ve had some good coaches in my day, and I have had some full-on shit coaches, but I don’t even think the best of them would have done something like that for me. And that’s because he keeps going the extra mile to understand his players, understand what they’re going through, and understand that the opportunities before them are too important to take the easy way out.

The point is: everyone deserves to have known a Bill Courtney in their lives. Someone who doesn’t let you give up, who sees the potential in you, who won’t stop until you see it too, and who understands that the important thing in life is not how you handle success, but how you handle defeat. Hopefully this isn’t the most bizarre analogy imaginable, but if Yoda were a high school football coach, he’d be a lot like Bill Courtney. (And just to be clear, we’re talking about Empire Yoda here).

His role in the lives of these young men is paramount to how they succeed as individuals and as a team, but at the end of the day, they’re the ones who make it happen, they earn the credit they gain. At the start of the year, you’ll meet some of these kids and wonder how much longer before they wind up in cuffs or the scene cuts to a funeral. By the end of the year, you might as well be watching a whole new set of teens, ones that any parent would be proud to call their son. And just like with William Gates and Arthur Agee, you’ll leave wondering how O.C., “Money,” and Chavis are doing.

For the past two months, I’ve been ordering everyone I so much as glance at in passing to put all their plans on hold and see this immediately. I get chills when I think about this movie, I wrote half this review with goosebumps up my arms. I was lucky enough to see this in a theater, and when I wasn’t laughing out loud or cheering like a Manassas booster, I was flat-out bawling with everyone else. Lump in the throat, quivering lip, tears down the cheeks – the works. Man, you put me in front of Kramer vs. Kramer or Searching for Bobby Fischer, I’ll well right up, but I have never reacted to a movie the way I did with this. Roll your eyes, burn an effigy, petition to have my Man Card revoked, I don’t care, ’cause I think that’s awesome.

When I talk about movies with people, there aren’t a whole lot that actually get a deeply physical, emotional reaction out of me just by talking about how great they are and how they impacted me as a person. That’s how I get when I talk about High Noon, and that’s how I get when I talk about Undefeated. This is one of those movies that makes you wonder why documentaries don’t get nominated for Best Picture, why instead of seeking this out, we spent over $22 mil to see if 3D glasses would make Episode I suck less. With each new scene that will floor you harder than the last, these are the movies that remind us how truly amazing humanity can be and how fortunate we are to be a part of it, even if we’re simply bearing witness in a movie theater. No matter how much life you’ve lived or how many stories you’ve heard, there is so much to be gained and so much to be learned from the people in this movie and the story it so profoundly tells.

It is required viewing, it’s as important as life, and even though there’s already a scripted remake on the way, do yourself a favor and see this first.

STEP UP REVOLUTION!

Because there was so much left unsaid…

Serenity now, folks. Serenity now.

RESULTS:
- Step Up Revolution: 8 votes
- Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance: 7 votes
- The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2: 6 votes (bonus points for an unnecessary amount of colons)
- Taken 2: 5 votes
- Piranha 3DD: 4 votes (actually want to see that)
- Paranormal Activity 4: 4 votes
- American Reunion: 3 votes
- The Bourne Legacy: 3 votes
- The Expendables 2: 3 votes
- Underworld: Awakening: 2 votes (criminally low number of votes)
- Journey 2: The Mysterious Island: 2 votes
- Men in Black III: 2 votes (can’t be worse than the last one)
- Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days: 2 votes
- Wrath of the Titans: 1 vote (again, criminally low)
- Madagascar 3: 1 vote
- G.I. Joe: Retaliation: 1 vote
- Ice Age: Continental Drift: 1 vote
- Resident Evil: Retribution: 1 vote (no idea how that only got one vote)
- “ALL OF THEM”: 2 votes
- “I cannot pick just one”: 1 vote
- “Literally all of these”: 1 vote