Yeah, it’s controversial, but it’s also a piece of crap.
Kids is about a bunch of underage kids in New York City whose day-to-day routines are made up of smoking weed like chimneys, drinking enough malt liquor to make N.W.A. look straight edge, and having more unprotected sex than Ron Jeremy’s clone army.
Apparently my High School years were pretty freakin’ timid.
Didn’t really know what to think of this one the first time I saw it back in my teen years, but due to a recent refresher viewing at the suggestion of my good buddy Fred, I’m kinda surprised at how clear my hatred for it has become. Funny how much things change over the course of eight years.
Here’s the deal, the movie primarily follows two kids named Casper and Telly. Within five minutes of meeting these little a-holes, you realize that there is not a single redeeming quality about them. It’s not so much that the stuff they’re doing is unrealistic, because I’m sure there are a good deal of kids out there who can very easily relate to Casper and Telly, it’s just that they made me want to punch them in the face from beginning to end. These are the kids that get chewed out by drill instructors and sent off to boot camp on Maury because all they care about is raising hell and ruining lives. These are not the people I want to spend ninety seconds with let alone ninety minutes, these are the kids who deserve to get their ass beat like clockwork, but that’s unfortunately who we’re dealing with.
Don’t have much to say about Casper because he’s pretty much playing second fiddle – even though he is a totally despicable individual in his own right – but Telly…where do I even start? Telly is easily the most absurd thing about this movie for a number of reasons. He’s played by newcomer Leo Fitzpatrick, and I don’t know what he’s like nowadays, but he was one awful child actor. Laughably bad. It’s hard not to roll your eyes at anything he says or does because Telly doesn’t look the part either. He talks like an idiot, he’s skinny as a rail, I bet he had as much game in real life as the Anime Club did at his actual High School, and my good buddy Fred pointed out that he also bears a striking resemblance to McLovin.
Telly’s a stud? My ass he is.
Casper, for all his awful character flaws, at least looks and acts the part. Telly’s just a joke. But honestly, are there really kids out there who really talk all day every day about how many girls they violated and how they went about doing it? Huge chunks of this movie are completely devoid of plot and simply revolve around watching kids get high and rant about all their sexual escapades for lengths at a time. Is that really always the topic of conversation and are there actually other kids who want to hang out with these kids?
Give me break, man. Fuck those kids.
The only thing this movie has going for it is Chloe Sevigny as Jenny – one of the many girls that Telly screwed over. I’ve been on a major Big Love kick as of late and it’s cool to see how she got her start as the only member of this cast I actually believed. It also features Rosario Dawson in her first role, which is cool, I guess.
It’s also got a pretty decent soundtrack, but whatever, I refuse to give this movie a 2.
Look, I get what Kids was going for, I get that it’s a wake-up call, but this wasn’t the way to go about it. I couldn’t help but think about how much better this movie would have been if it were a documentary with real kids talking about the real drugs they’re doing and the real sex they’re having. Now that would rattle some feathers and make it less of a spectacle than it ended up being. Shock value only works for so long and when it becomes a movie’s cornerstone, it’s bound to crumble.
Telly. What a ridiculous casting choice.